To Be Annoyed about this (Poss SN) Childs Behaviour

[fantasticfanjo]

Ok so we went to The Panto last night which wasn't a cheap night out with the tickets costing £100 + for 4 of us.

We were sat 4 seats in with a family of 4 occupying the end 4.

The Father of other the family preceded to lift his DS aged about 10/11 over the seats (spare) to the row in front so he could get a better view and was now sat directly in front of my DP.

This child then spent the entire performance jumping up and down on the seat in front,shouting loudly for sweets,flapping arms,banding his head with his shoes which he'd taken off and generally distracting everyone around him. To give the father credit he did repeatedly tell the child to shut up /sit down and threaten him etc.

Although My experience of ASD is quite limited, I'm assuming the boy was on the Autistic spectrum and although the panto is a family performance and I expect to be disturbed by kids needing a wee,rustling sweets etc AIBU to be pissed off with our evening be ruined especially seeing the boy could have been seated on the end of the aisle where he would have disturbed others less ?

Autists are the ultimate square pegs, and the problem with pounding a square peg into a round hole is not that the hammering is hard work. It's that you're destroying the peg

I think this statment is ridiculous tbh. There are no round holes or square pegs. Everyone is different.

The trick would be for everyone to be an oblong hole and oblong pegs. All changing slightly to accommodate each other.

Can we all go back a step... forget the 'rights' of the subject and get to what is really important...

This child...

In my son those sort of behaviours would be telling me that he needs OUT of wherever he is - either overstimulated or anxious...

Seems to me his behaviours were not being responded to and in my experience (in my high functioning son and friends who have children across the spectrum) is that should the trigger (in this case the panto) not be removed or made easier for him to cope with then the behaviours get bigger and louder.

That is not pleasant for anyone, least of all that child.

Absolutely he had a right to be there but it doesn't sound to me like it was sitting well with him - even if he was enjoying it and stimming from excitemtn can cause such a massive sensory overload... he needed help to cope - either going out of the theatre for a bit or eye protectors or something - my son would have pulled his hood up and had mine or his own hands over his ears.

I can not see how leaving the situation unchanged for a whole panto benefited this child... though as the person sitting next to them you can not tell them to parent. In some ways they were lucky that you were as tolerant as you were - my son would have told him to shut up then if he hadn't or when I tried to explain that it was ok for this child to break the rules then he no doubt have had a meltdown and so I would have asked to move very early on.

Can you not tell the difference between general and specific? You are choosing to read a whole lot of stuff that is not actually in my posts.

I am really fed up of being attacked for stuff that I have not said and not done. Are you taking it out on me because you haven't had a chance to have a go at all the people who do stare or make unhelpful remarks?

Great post, doris.

Pantomimedam

In being autistic, my child is not being 'strange' he is being autistic

The sooner people accept that the better

He can't modify his behavior and I will die one day so I cant protect him from normal' people forever

Autistic people behave differently to you

Get over it

Accept it

Let me die without worrying how you normal lot will treat my child please

Add message | Report | Message poster AmberLeaf Fri 28-Dec-12 19:34:14

No singling you out Edam, that goes for everyone

I did not say your son was strange and you did indeed single me out. The post was addressed to me.

I agree yohoho. Yes dd is autistic with a 2 year dev delay, it is still my responsibility parent to set boundaries and guide her, the best we can. I have removed her from situations where it is obvious se is not coping, ad disciplined her when she has been naughty ad parsed her when sh has been good. She does have to live in society so has to try and fit in somehow

Edam, then you are wilfully ignoring my other post.

But yes you did mention 'strange' behavior, but I sdidnt feel you were attacking my son, I think you protest too much.

Autism is a disability that can effect the ability to control actions & reactions. Would u be posting if the child had an obvious physical disability effecting motor control. Can result in equally noisy physical & vocal movements. How would that b judged ?

The concept of choice is naive at best. The idea that you could teach your child to "pass" as normal and then allow him to "slip comfortabley back into weird and wonderful behaviour" is not anything like most peoples reality.

That isn't what I said. I said that conformity is not always best. However if it is never taught on any level how can one choose it?

As parents we endlessly choose what appropriate and achievable manners are for our children.

except Amber said she does not make that choice. She refuses to. she said I can't and won't moderate my sons natural behavior. She isn't making a choice about what is appropriate and achievable.

It was in regards to that comment I made my objections.
You say the OP should have paid for a private box. Should the family of this boy, they (in all probability) knew what his reaction to the panto would be(which is why they moved him somewhere with more space).

I do aggree also dayshift

yabu that poor boy would think nothing of what he was doing. I have two autistic godsons and sometimes they are truly awesome kids but other times there is no controlling them it probably would have been better if the boys dad had gone and sat with him in the seats in front but you shed in no way be pissed off! that is how many kids grow up in society today.... WITH SPECIAL NEEDS! my daughter is sn too and I really do struggle in public with her to the outside world she just looks like naughty child shorts away with murder ( she doesn't though) and I will be taking her to pan to next year and as long as she is behaving within what she normally would I wont b tell I her to shut up etc. a lot of e time it is better to allow an kids to do stuff like then boy was ( flapping his arm etc) because that's how they best expresses themselves and I often feel a lot of scrutiny and expectation to keep my dd 'calm' because it would disturb others....hell no! she is who he is and so is at boy!!! sounds like he enjoyed it though

mayb the child was being naughty? Mayb the Childs level of understanding didnt allow him to respond correctly. Maybe the dads requests were more for the judging public than any real attempt to gain control. We just dont know, so dont judge!

"I will never explain and apologise for my sons behavior."

That's a rather inflexible attitude. As has already been asked - what about the rights of others to for example - enjoy the theatre or a meal? What about the right of the OP to enjoy a show that she has paid for? Recalling a thread earlier in the year where a posters vehicle was damaged by an (apparently, allegedly?) SN child - what about the right of others to not have their property damaged?

You use the example of a child who cannot walk above - taking that example further should we tear down every listed building in the country if they're not wheelchair accessible?

Surely part of society is getting along with one another? And surely part of this is compromise?

Why is it only disabled people that are expected to 'compromise'? ie change their behavior?

If my child had cerebal palsy for example no one would expect any more than his capabilities, but because some people see autism as a behavioral issue, he is expected to change,

Sorry, go away and learn about neuro developmental disorders/conditions.

Beanie, I do often apologise for my sons behaviour as he isn't able to do so. I also accept that there are places my sons wchair can not access, that's just life! Personally I would not allow my son to upset another families enjoyment. My son may have very little awareness of the world around him but I do, so I hope I would behave differently to the parent in the op. BUT I would never judge, that may b the only occasion that family have managed to get out together..who knows. It is amazing just how much slack society will cut fir physical disabilities as opposed to behavioural.

My son and every other autistic person, every person with cerebal palsy, every person with downs syndrome etc etc, is part of society

We are all part of society

Amber Who has said only disabled people should compromise.

We all should compromise.

I won't moderate my sons natural behavior is not compromise at all.*

Please don't assume that those who disagree need to learn about neuro developmental disorders. This just disagree with you.

I don't think you are being unreasonable. If I'd paid that kind of money I'd fully expect to enjoy the show no matter who was seated around me. I wouldn't have just sat there and said nothing though. I get quite defensive about stuff like that. I would have spoken to the parents and if nothing changed I would have found a member of staff from somewhere. If they couldn't do anything I would ask for my money back, transfer my tickets to another date or something along those lines.

However, I know full well that I'd be refused a refund because another patron has spoilt the experience. I'd be accused of being disabilist (how DO you spell that? the spell checker is annoying me) too.

Some of the attitudes on this thread are amazingly selfish.

In an understandable attempt to allow children with special needs to live as full a life as possible, some parents expect that everyone else should put up with whatever disruption is caused no matter what.

Yes it's important that children who are autistic get the opportunity to do the same things as other children can do, but not to the detriment of other children. All children are equally important, one child having autism doesn't make their participation in a special and expensive event more important than another child's.

I have one child who has ASD, and one who doesn't. If either of them made it impossible for other people to enjoy what they had paid to do I would remove them, because I'm their parent and that's my job. It is not my job to fight so ferociously for my child's rights that I can disregard anyone else's children. That's just not how society works.

Amber here is an example.

My son can not tolerate busy cramped spaces. My family had a celebratory meal at a very popular (but small) restaurant. It was not in DS' best interest to go. Also it would have been unfair on other diners and my family if he had have had a melt down.

The choice was that I did not go. It was in ds interest not to go, but also for the sake of other people enjoying a night out.

It was a compromise. Me and dh take him to restaurants during quieter periods. so he still gets to go (and the week after much of the family joined us) but it is a better solution for him and others.

The same as my nephew goes to quieter viewings of the cinema.