To ask if there is any way to handle this differently?

[NothingIsAsBadAsItSeems]

It's a very long story so please bare with me and I don't want to drip feed

My SIL is lovely but has had a very hard life and as a result refuses to go any where near my DH. She won't be in the same room as him and refused to allow him to attend her wedding or any family get together that her and my brother wish to attend (DH, quite unfortunately, looks similar in build and looks to her very abusive ex).

For the last three years this has meant that if my parents or my brother host a family get together DH either can't attend or does attend resulting in a lot of tension and a very upset SIL. If we are hosting one then either only my brother attends or he makes an excuse not to attend. I've no idea whether or not she is seeking help dealing with her past but I hope she is

Is it unreasonable to want to attend family gatherings with my DH without worrying about how it will affect SIL? Or to not have my mum or brother asking if I wouldn't mind just bringing DS with me? Or asking me which weekends my DH is working so that they can plan a meet up for when he is?

SIL doesn't have any close family and seems to be thrilled that she's been taken into the fold and is mothered constantly by my mum . Any family gatherings that SIL doesn't attend DH is allowed to attend. I'm starting to feel pushed out of my own family, if that makes sense, since I'm not happy leaving DH behind every time there is a family event

DH says he doesn't mind and would rather not attend if attending is going to cause SIL stress. Thinking about it since my brother got married I've attended fewer and fewer family events and have made a lot more effort to do things with my PILs.

• I'm not entirely sure this is the right place for my thread. If not I'll ask for it to be moved.

You need to talk to your family,

Stop indulging her, do not attend anything without husband, he has done nothing wrong, being excluded because your sister in law can not differentiate between someone in her past and him is not his responsibility.

If you have children, why are you allowing their father to be exiled from the family? It must be hard for them to understand.

I would also ask what sort of treatment your SiL is undergoing and ask for evidence, It sounds as if you are all being played.

Your SiL really doesn't sound all that lovely if she demands that your blameless DH is excluded from family events merely because he looks a bit like her abusive ex.

Your family really need to stop colluding with this behaviour. Of course it is not unreasonable to want to attend family gatherings with your DH. You should really stop pandering to this and try to get things sorted out.

If she acts like that with you, she is hardly lovely. Do sil and db live closer to your parents? I feel sil is trying to push you out of the fold, by excluding your dh, then you will follow suit.
What would your db do if the situation was reversed?

What do you parents say when you don't go to events because of this.

She should be the one not to go. Or actually do something to move past this.

This situation is ridiculous and if it was my brother and sil I wouldn't exclude my dh

In fact how did this come about.

What happened the first time? Did she ask your dh to not attend or tell someone she wouldn't go if your dh did and he offered to not go?

Has this been promoted by Christmas or is there a gathering coming up?

I really think you need to have a conversation with your mum about this, I feel it's up to them primarily to be the ones to neutrally deal with this. They obviously care about their family so shouldn't be facilitating or avoiding dealing with something that's dividing it so significantly. Maybe it's just not been something they've felt they need to deal with if it's never being directly bought up?

Bit of armchair psychology for you, but speaking as someone whose has had a fair bit of crap over the years, there comes a point when you risk your issues becoming the defining thing about you. People who constantly make exceptions or engineer situations for your needs - in the long run - aren't helping. It makes everything in life about your problems therefore your problems are always near the surface iykwim?

The time for sympathy and support is so you can put this in order in your head, heal and get yours scars hardened enough to deal with being a part of the world around you. Yes there will always be triggers, but if you know how to heal yourself a wobble can be soothed. If you don't ever learn you will constantly spend your life in a never ending cycle of unhappiness and believing that sympathy is the only way to know people care and love you. It's not healthy and it drives people away eventually.

Sounds like she is jealous of you and/or wanting to replace you.

I think you should sit your parents down and point out how much you and DH have been pushed out.

The more you write about her the more manipulative she sounds.

Make it a new year resolution that you attend family events together as a family.

They say that they'll catch up with us later in the week/month but are happy to suggest coming without DH. I don't see the point of going to family gathering when my family will still be at home...

I would prefer it if she was at least comfortable enough to be in the same house, if not the same room, as DH. I'm going to have to talk to my parents about it it's highly likely that they don't realise excluding DH isn't the answer

OP

If she has had such a horrific time as you believe, I'm not doubting that, then it could be that simply looking similar to her ex is all your DH needs to "do" in order for her to think that he also behaves in a similar way. Fe, and nowhere near as traumatic as this situation sounds, I dislike Robbie Williams. Love his music but dislike him personally because he looks like my brother, and he reminds me of my parents.

It sounds like she needs professional help, can you gently suggest this to your DB - not directly to her. It's not only to make family relations easier, she could go back to work, if she isn't now, and have a colleague or boss who looks similar to the ex. She really needs to deal with the issues so that she can lead a normal relaxed life.

And no YANBU to want to be able attend family events with your DH if he isn't the source of her anguish. Just out of interest, does your DH take this personally? If he does his body language could be making her nervous, again not his fault.

Assuming nothing truly bizarre is going on (your DH is actually her ex's long-lost identical twin or similar) then this is outrageous behaviour and needs to be stopped.

I would suggest a frank conversation with your parents and telling them that you are no longer willing to even have a discussion about coming to events without your DH, and that you are not prepared to be punished for something that is absolutely nothing to do with you.

Sad as your SIL's past no doubt is, there is no justification for her behaviour. She might well be entirely incapable of getting past her instinctive reaction to the sight of your DH, but her response is entirely her choice. If she canot cope with the sight of an entirely blameless individual then it is up to her to modify her own behaviour - not demand that someone else is mistreated. She should simply stay away, not expect your DH to be excluded.

The fact that she is taking this course of action makes me suspect that this is less about her issues and more about being the centre of attention. You need to deal with this. Or are you afraid your parents will pick her over you?

I assume she has had a truly traumatic past/incident. She has to get over this and move on. I wonder what else she can't/won't do.

There is nothing she can't get over. An old tutor had a client come to him for PTSD. She had been kidnapped, held in a flat and raped. She had panic attacks, phobias, anxiety... He helped her (remarkably fast too).

This does need dealing with now. It's not your DH's problem, so your parents stop need to think that excluding him is the solution to her problems. And it's just going to cause more. I would raise the idea in their minds that your DS might grow up to look like him, and will they be happy to end their relationship wth their DGS to keep her happy?

I can't believe you parents think its ok to exclude your dh.

Don't feel obliged to offer a solution, if you tell your parents how this situation is upsetting you and your family and you (even taking into consideration. Her past and current problems) don't agree this can continue, it's not up to you to offer solutions. This is a situation your db and parents have decided is an acceptable way of dealing with things. It isn't and you won't be participating any more so it's up to them.

They can either deal with having a fractured family, deal practically with your sil, or they can send you the very clear message that you either like it or lump it. Please stick to your guns. People can be pig headedly stubborn until they actually experience you following through. It doesn't have to involve complete separation from people, but it will mean less contact if they choose to continue.

Basically you have to choose and be prepared to either carry on with things the way they are or wait for them to come around to a better compromise.

I missed a point, how do you respond when your parents suggest you visit without DH? I would probably just say, "no, we'll all visit"

YANBU. However, she sounds like she is very sad and is in urgent need of help to come to terms with what has happened in her life so she can move on and be happy and not let it interfere with other people being happy. Sympathy all round I think.

Do your parents have psychological problems or issues with you or your husband?
I find it odd that it hasn't occurred to them (in any way that impacts on their actions) that this is hurtful to you and your husband and that your mum hasn't become aware that she is favouring her childlike neurotic DIL over her more adult and capable daughter. Does your mum "need to be needed"?
I can't imagine suggesting my daughter and her future partner stay away from me because my son marries someone prone to panic attacks if someone resembles someone else and his wife won't sort out her problems.

OP, you need to talk openly and honestly with your parents and possibly also brother and SIL. Go in with an open mind in case she is willing to get help. But don't go and see them without your DH anymore, try and resolve this. The people mentioning your DS are right - is he next?

You may not like the results but at least it will be honest and you can make decisions for next steps.

You and your DH have been far too accommodating, stupidly so IMO. My "best friend" decided she didn't like my bf (now DH) and wanted me to exclude him from situations where she would be present. I was aware that this was due to her own issues, and I am sorry she has had such a tough time, but for me that condition was a dealbreaker and the friendship ended.

Everyone has issues but they can't expect others to rearrange their lives to suit them. If your SIL has a problem she needs to deal with it herself, she can't expect you and your DH to suffer for it when it's not anything to do with you.

I don't think this is anything to do with him looking like her ex. I think it's to do with her shoving you out of the way so that she is the daughter in the family.

Your family are incredibly unfair and you need to speak to them - better still, write it down and send it, so that you can keep calm.

I hate to sound cynical, but how do you know she had a hard life and that your husband looks like her ex? Does your only information come from her?

What ImperialBlether said.

This is one of the strangest threads I've ever read on here (and I've read a few).

I can't get my head around it. Who's idea was it for your DH to stop attending? Why doesn't your brother talk to you on the phone? Or your SIL?

Sounds like they don't like you and using the abusive ex to isolate you.

Very - Brother does talk to me on the phone SIL not so much and the only time she every voluntarily rang us was when we announced that we were expecting DS. Basically to tell me that DH IS abusive and to try and convince me that he was either already abusing me or that he was going to start It has to be the strangest phone call I've ever had. Anyone who knows DH knows he isn't.

Reading back what I've posted it does look like I let her walk all over me but I honestly thought not having to have a constant reminder and getting help if she is would help :(