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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to dislike a child of 6?

88 replies

Boomerwang · 27/12/2012 22:08

I'm battling with myself here because I don't like my niece but I feel weird about it, like she's too young to be disliked by an adult. Do you understand what I mean? Or am I being really unreasonable?

I often think to myself that I wouldn't let my own child do the things my niece does, but it's starting to happen. I don't mean that my niece is influencing my child (who is only 9 months) but that I'm seeing changes I don't like which are similar to what my niece does and I'm wondering if I'm being reasonable to attempt to stop them or if it's too early, as indicated by my niece's behaviour?

As for disliking my niece, I'm not sure why. Perhaps it's just the things she does, which is normal boundary pushing behaviour which she's generally allowed to get away with. So maybe it's not her I dislike, but what I see her do as the result of bad parenting?

Am I odd?

OP posts:
KentuckyFriedChildren · 27/12/2012 22:32

I dont see why her being a child should automatically mean you should like her? Confused As long as you dont show her that you dont like her then I dont see the problem. That would be cruel. You cant like everyone family or no family. I dislike one of my friends children because he's a whiney little sod but I would never treat him differently because of it. It's nothing to do with parenting in his case he's just like that and it grates. YANBU

FunnysFuckingFreezing · 27/12/2012 22:32

6yo'ds are generally lovely if they have been brought up properly. It is a shame that you don't like her, but if she is unpleasant then you don't have to.

WorraLorraTurkey · 27/12/2012 22:32

OP stands for Original poster and Opening Post.

Xmas Grin
amillionyears · 27/12/2012 22:32

Ariel,it still does sound like she is implying it though.

Gilberte · 27/12/2012 22:32

Have you ever thought her own parents might dislike her? I don't mean they don't love her, I'm assuming they do. But they may be struggling with her boundary pushing themselves and it can be hell to be that parent.

Btw I didn't think for a moment you were suggesting your niece was influencing your baby. In fact you said "I don't mean that my niece is influencing my child ".

I am curious as to what changes you are noticing in a 9 month old. 9 month olds don't push boundaries or misbehave.

LingDiLongMerrilyonHigh · 27/12/2012 22:35

Ha ha, that'll learn me!! I didn't read Ariel's post properly and thought she said 'OPs should read more closely'. Hoisted by my own petard...

Tweasels · 27/12/2012 22:36

What changes are you seeing in your 9 month old that are similar to your 6 year old niece? Madness that is.

However YANBU to dislike a child. I dislike loads of them.

notengodinero · 27/12/2012 22:37

You're not alone OP. I didn't like my nephews for a very long time (they are now 6 and 11) as they were undisciplined brats. I know it's the fault of the parents, but I just didn't want to spend time around them as they were very unpleasant to be around. It's hard to like a child (who was about 7 at time) who opens a carefully chosen Xmas present from you and says "I don't like it, it's rubbish" Xmas Shock. and whose parents say NOTHING.

Their parents have got a little stricter over the last year or so, and I have warmed to them. But it was hard. I'll also admit to worrying about the influencing my DC's negatively (I have toddlers) in the future. I can't help it, I'm very protective!

I think part of my problem is that I'm just not a fan of children in general. I adore my own, but have no tolerance of others. Sorry everyone Blush

pigletmania · 27/12/2012 22:42

Not all funny, some have not nice personalities which therefore carried to adulthoid

AudrinaWhiteChristmasAdare · 27/12/2012 22:45

I'd always been a bit scared of a friend's little girl. She is very pretty but has something about her which wouldn't be out of place in a horror film - the cold dead eyes of a hedge-fund manager or Tory MP. We used to call her The Heir of Slytherin Blush but now that's she's a bit older we can see that she's quite sweet really... On the surface at least... Nah, we're still wary as her mother is an utterly duplicitous bitch. YANBU Grin

Original poster
Boomerwang · 27/12/2012 22:46

sorry perhaps I didn't word my OP well. I did say that I don't think my daughter is influenced. She's far too young for that. I guess I was trying to give examples of the similarities, to compare behaviours. What I wanted to make sure of was that it was ok for me to steer my daughter away from behaviour that I see my niece doing and disliking her for it. I wanted to know if it was appropriate at this age or if I should give my daughter free rein and then rope her in later, which I'm concerned might be confusing for her.

Yes, I do feel all wrong for disliking a child. She does have good qualities, like everybody does. I certainly wouldn't EVER make her feel bad about herself and I would never attempt to tell another person how to bring up their child. I'll definitely keep this wrapped up. I'm a bit confused about my feelings, I guess I wanted to know if it was normal or not.

OP posts:
MsVestibule · 27/12/2012 22:48

YANBU to dislike a child. I know quite a few children the same age as my DCs (5 & 4), and TBH, I'm not that fussed on any of them. Some of them I can take or leave, one I actually dislike, and it's nothing to do with the parenting of that particular child.

BTW, I fully accept that others probably feel the same way about mine Grin.

LingDiLongMerrilyonHigh · 27/12/2012 22:53

Boom, I think you have to remind yourself that a) it's the behaviour you don't like rather than the child - and that's fine. b) your niece is a work in progress, she may well be a pain in the backside now but she's got a lot of growing up to do, in a few years or even months she could be completely different and a lot more likeable.

I'm still not sure what a 9 month old could be doing that could be compared with the behaviour of a 6 year old though? Or what could be construed as 'bad behaviour' in a child of that age?

notengodinero · 27/12/2012 22:53

I think 9m is a bit too young to be trying to influence behaviour. As long as you are loving and attentive to your child you don't need to do anything more at this age.

My eldest is three and pushes boundaries like a bugger! I just make it clear that the bad behaviour is not acceptable, although I get ignored a lot of the time, I will continue, and ensure i am setting boundaries very clearly. That's what seemed to be missing for my DN's. Their behaviour was only ever challenged very weakly and with pretty much zero effect. I completely understand that children can be horrors and will push boundaries with all their might. But, if I see the parents doing nothing about it, I have zero respect or time for them.

ImperialSantaKnickers · 27/12/2012 22:54

It's normal to like some people and dislike others, and children are people. However children can change dramatically. A girl who was an infuriating brat between Reception and Yr4 went away to her mother's country for four years and has come back delightful. Another has become a right little cow, having been a joy in the primary years. In both cases it's been a reflection of the happiness of their parent's relationships imo. Keep parenting your way and fingers crossed dn will improve with age.

Original poster
Boomerwang · 27/12/2012 22:55

Examples of similar behaviours:

Shouting to get attention
Slapping, grabbing, pinching, pulling hair
Expecting to share whatever others are eating
Throwing toys around
Refusing dinner because they know dessert will come faster and throwing a strop if it doesn't

I'll stop there because I've just read that back to myself and realised I'm describing completely typical baby behaviour and now I feel a bit of a prat.

I'm not much cop at this parenting thing. Apparently my niece's progression is delayed by about two years and I have no idea what's normal for her age or not.

I'm sorry, I think I've made a badly constructed OP and now my subsequent replies are deviating from it. Perhaps comparing my own child with my niece wasn't what I should have done when even if I didn't have a child I'd still be asking if it was normal to dislike a 6 year old.

OP posts:
Gilberte · 27/12/2012 23:01

Yes it's typical baby/toddler behaviour

My 5 year old still wants to share whatever I'm eating (but then my DP also pinches chips off my plate)

My 5 yr old throws toys when in a strop

My 5yr old sometimes refuses dinner

My 5yr does raise her voice/sing/do something annoying to get my attention.

My 5yr grabs things off her sister

When having a meltdown she does all of the above

Guess I'm a lousy parent in most people's eyes

whathasthecatdonenow · 27/12/2012 23:01

OP, my niece also has delayed development, in her case because of a brain tumour she had when she was 5. It is now becoming increasingly apparent that she is more like a 4 or 5 year old than an 8 year old. It is difficult to adjust your expectations accordingly at times.

LingDiLongMerrilyonHigh · 27/12/2012 23:02

Boom, yes that does sound like very normal baby behaviour! It can be exasperating though.

If your niece has delayed development then I would imagine it would have a negative impact on her behaviour - perhaps she gets frustrated at times. 4 year olds can be pretty stroppy too.

Try and play to your nieces strengths, for example, my nieces and nephews can be very badly behaved, rude, demanding, mean spirited with my older kids (i.e. deliberately taking their stuff and hiding it to spite them). But they are lovely with my toddler, so loving and endlessly patient. So when I see them I give them little jobs and responsibilities to do with the toddler; it keeps them out of trouble and I get a real kick out of seeing that sweet side to their nature. Really try and focus on the positive - for your sake. It makes you feel really crap disliking a young child.

allbie · 27/12/2012 23:03

I have a suspicion your sister has been posting that she feels her DD is not liked by her DAunt! Is your niece the eldest with younger brothers? Think you need to sit down and have a chat with her! Good luck!

LiegeAndLief · 27/12/2012 23:11

Don't know if I've missed this, but how often do you see her? We've just had my parents to stay for Christmas and my 6yo ds had a personality transplant involving much shouting and jumping on people. We don't see my parents vey often and he is always like this, he just gets over excited mixed with some anxiety and goes mad. I spent the whole visit telling him off. It makes me feel really sad that my parents never see him being hi usual lovely self.

Incidently, if I saw someone I knew eating something nice I would want to share it too, and I'm 33. Can't really imagine having a biscuit o something without offering to everyone present, including 6yos.

MaryChristmaZEverybody · 27/12/2012 23:27

If your niece is behaviourally delayed, have you considered being sympathetic to her parents, and trying to understand that they may all be struggling?

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine · 27/12/2012 23:53

Developmental delay of 2 years at age 6 is actually quite significant SN.

YABVVU to be so judgy.

My DD is 6 but even more delayed..more like a 2 year old..so she has tantrums and 2 year old behaviour. Fortunately people close to us understand and don't just think of her as a bratty 6 year old

MaryChristmaZEverybody · 27/12/2012 23:58

Yup, Fanjo, that's what I thought.

If the parents are admitting to two years developmental delay, the child has quite serious problems. And the parents are coping with that, and judgement from relatives and others Sad.

I suspect that the op disliking the child may be the least of their problems, sadly.

FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine · 28/12/2012 00:02

It's sad isn't it Mary!

Not surprising though as we have all come up against such judgement, I know.