I am thinking about cutting myself off from half of my family. Am I being an unreasonable cow?

[BaublesAndCuntingCarolSingers]

My dad and his side of the family have a knack of making me feel excluded/like a black sheep and obviously it really becomes apparent at times like funerals/weddings and christmas.

My mum and dad separated when I was 4. I had a close relationship with my dad until I got to about 13/14 and became a bit of a handful I got sent to stay with him and my stepmum after an almighty row with my mum and stepdad. My dad and stepmum locked me in their house whilst they went to work. I managed to escape and ran off to a friend's house and my dad didn't speak to me for ages after that. Since, despite burying the hatchet, we've had a stilted relationship to say the least. I thought we'd turned a corner when I got married/had DS. We seemed to be becoming closer again then it all fizzled out. I see dad and SM once every few months usually when they can fit us in for half an hour after all the sundry relatives/dogs/cats etc etc. Example, we got squeezed in on xmas eve at 6pm after SM's mum had gone home. As usual, we were made to feel like we were intruding on their time. In fact, we've never done anything over christmas with them. Never been invited over for lunch on boxing day or even a drink. The two times I've invited them, they've cancelled, once when I was it Waitrose actually paying for the food and champagne.

Dad has 11 siblings and I do get on with all of them. Never had any problem with them except they always seem to leave me, DH and DS out of things. An example is on saturday apparently one of dad's sisters is having a get together at hers. First I heard of it was when my cousin text me today asking if we were going. We do live about 10 miles away from everyone else, but we have always made the effort when we've been invited to anything else so it'snot like we're giving off CBA vibes.

Also, my grandad died last christmas (2011) I said to my dad that if everyone was putting a verse in the newspaper (they do this in my family) to let me know when it was happening and I would put mine in too. Cut to a few weeks later and my mum rings to say everyone has put verses in the newspaper for grandad. I felt like such a nobber. Out of 10 grandchildren, there was only me not included. Dad and SM had put theirs in and not even mentioned it.

There are other things but this post is long enough. I feel like cutting myself off from them. It actually made me cry this morning that we've been left out of yet another event. I don't get why. I don't think we're horrible people. Our friends seem to like us and my MIL's side/mum's side of the family seem to like us. It makes me especially sad and angry for DS as DH's dad died when we first were a couple so DS has one grandfather who can't be arsed with him. We go for literally WEEKS without speaking. It's doing nothing for my self-esteem being constantly excluded by them so would I be being unreasonable and a bit immature if I just cut myself off from them?

Thanks for reading if you managed it

YANBU

take a look at the stately homes thread in relationships too maybe?

God no, go for it.

I cut off my parents and sister earlier this year, I've or yet had cause to regret it at all. in fact, the thought of the 3 of them sitting there all on their own on Christmas day was most satisfying.

I've not yet. Sodding autocorrect.

How did you do it, Stratters? Did you tell them or just quietly slope out of theirlives?

I have managed to read your thread, but not sure if I have everything right.
I sympathise with you feeling excluded or at least the last thought of/considered. Probably as you live farthest away. You have a large extended family, and normally children have more grandparents - including step GPs. than other children. So my concerns are with your DC. Does your step father not consider your DC as a grandchild? Most do.
I would not cut myself off from your family as it would not achieve any plus points for your DC. I understand how hurt and angry you are with them. I felt like that with my family, but for the sake of DD, I didn't.

I feel for you OP, but I suspect you'll have to develop an extremely thick skin. The other thing is that your DFand his rellies are losing out on time with you and your family, especially your DC.

The one thing you have to remember is that it may be possible for your DF and his relatives to bitch about not seeing his GC, but if they aren't willing to make the effort to see his GC, then just leave them to it and get on with your life. It takes two people to form a relationship and if one is doing the mule's share of contacting and the other is doing pretty much sweet FA, then that says more about them than it does about you.

There is one good thing to come out of the lack of contact..........the peace and quiet from those who don't give a rats arse about you and yours .

I hope you find a way around or through this dilemma.

DHs family is the same, we are cut out of all family events, we aren't even included in the family birthday calendar (DCs get cards when they remember). Earlier this year DH was badly beaten up, it was Front page in the local news, spread all over face book, none of his family asked if he was okay or if we needed help. DH finally realised how badly behaved his family are.
I don't know if he should confront them and explain how he feels about their behaviour towards us or if we continue as we are, ignoring and hoping that any contact (30 mins by MIL in 12 months) drys up.
It's tough, especially when I remember the live and attention I got from my GPs and I know my DCs will probably never get any of that, but their cousins do.

I too am considering cutting off half my family (sisters) after yet another Christmas of sending things and being ignored in return. I am getting to the age where bothering hurts too much as it is not reciprocated. I think you should think what hurts the most.

I too would like advice from someone who has done it. Do you just stop calling / texting etc or do you send a final "piss off" message?

Baubles is it possible that your aunts and uncles are relying on your dad to pass messages and invitations on?

Binky, your poor DH :(

Digerd I have a stepmum but no stepdad :) SM considers DS to be her grandson. I think. He calls her nanny and she signs cards to him as nanny. They just don't bother with him. No phonecalls to see how his first day at school went, no acknowledgement of anything other than birthdays/christmas.

Dione, I have wondered this. Then I drive myself mad thinking "Well is he not telling us on purpose so that we don't go"?

My parents had a messy divorce which some of his side blamed me for. It was my fault as I told DM about his affair after walking in on it. I was 12.
My dad continued to have a relationship with my DSis who is 11 years younger than me. He even came to pick her up on my birthday and totally ignored me. As she got older, DSis realised what was going on and started refusing to go to family get togethers without me or spoke about me constantly at things.
I had a very strained relationship with aunts and uncles. My poor dgf had dementia and didn't really understand what was going on.
I tried to make some kind of reconciliation as I got older but not being invited to my dgf 80th party that every man and his dog had been invited too really hurt.
At my dad's funeral, one aunt practically pushed me into the grave whilst getting past me to hug my sis. (the whole funeral was like an eastenders episode)
Anyway, I have very little to do with any of them now and it is so much nicer. I had nothing to apologise for and wasn't going to keep trying anymore. The rest of my family and my dh's family are all I need.

Drama, that's awful pinning blame on you like that for HIS wrongdoings :(

I think too that with such a large family, it is expected that you would be contacted by one of them as dad and sm can not be expected to phone each and everyone themselves. Have you mentioned that you were upset at you being < inadvertently> left out.? SIL also. Don't expect they sent invitation cards out to everyone, or anyone? Lack of communication is the fault here, everybody thinking someone had told you?
But your dad cancelling your invite to them to presumably go to another relative instead, is very hurtful to you.
Are you his only blood-line child? He is under the pressure of his 11 siblings , I would think.

I don't think my dad cancelled to go to another relative, sickness was cited both times I just don't think they like spending time with us! Conversation is very forced and awkward. DH turns into a bumbling idiot in front of dad and SM because he feels so awkward.

I don't know. If I was hosting a get-together I would personally make sure everyone I wanted to come knew about it. I am FB friends with most of my aunts on that side.

Honestly, I suspect they are just self-involved arses and that is who they are. Here you are, working so hard to build a relationship with them, and they can barely notice much less appreciate. They are probably like this (unappreciative, ungrateful) all the time but you aren't in a position to see it all the time.

They will still be like that if you phase them out or drop them, but at least you would be looking after your own well-being to guard yourself from such disappointment.

Have your aunts sympathised or acknowledged the situation with your dad on FB? And feel so sorry for your DH. His own dad died and FIL makes him feel like a "bumbling idiot". That is awful.

Your post makes sense, Sticky.

No, the situation is never mentioned, Digerd. I've "joked" with one aunt that I really like that I don't even know if my dad even likes us and she just told me not to be silly and laughed it off, but that's how I feel :(

I had a bit of a breakdown last year and I remember trying to tell my dad on the 'phone what was happening to me. I didn't come out and say "I'm having a breakdown" but I told him that I was having awful anxiety attacks that were debilitating me and that I was feeling very down and I don't think he cared. "Oh dear" was the extent of it.

very detailed and sensible post.

when people are hurting you, you have a duty to cut them out of your life. that's what happened to my 'friends'. one by one i realised that they caused me more pain than pleasure, and they had to go.

if your relatives come back to you later and ask why, tell them the truth - it hurts to be the one who is left out of everything.

Sorry, I got distracted by a real jawdropper.

I told them. And I'm afraid I didn't mince my words. It was very therapeutic, and I now wish I'd done it years ago. This Christmas has been lively, so peaceful and stress free, and the DDs are glad to see the back of them too.

Thank you Bunny.

I think I definitely do want to cut them out, I am just not sure about how best to go about it. Quietly sloping off seems the best and easiest option.

Link, Stratters.

Tell me what you said, tell me what you said!

Here you are, dulling. Vulgar Fry Ups, wot larks.

Told em the truth, that they were shit parents that always favoured my bully of a sister, that decent parents didn't send their little darling to a hideously expensive boarding school of her choice, whilst sending their other child to the roughest comp around. It didn't do any good, they simply told me I was raving and jealous. Fools.

^ That's the tip of the iceberg, I could bore you all night with their inadequacies, but it would be quite literally boring you.

Oh, I saw fry-ups. It made me LOL-cry. :(

Awww Stratters. :( That's horrid. The bastards.