I am thinking about cutting myself off from half of my family. Am I being an unreasonable cow?

[BaublesAndCuntingCarolSingers]

My dad and his side of the family have a knack of making me feel excluded/like a black sheep and obviously it really becomes apparent at times like funerals/weddings and christmas.

My mum and dad separated when I was 4. I had a close relationship with my dad until I got to about 13/14 and became a bit of a handful I got sent to stay with him and my stepmum after an almighty row with my mum and stepdad. My dad and stepmum locked me in their house whilst they went to work. I managed to escape and ran off to a friend's house and my dad didn't speak to me for ages after that. Since, despite burying the hatchet, we've had a stilted relationship to say the least. I thought we'd turned a corner when I got married/had DS. We seemed to be becoming closer again then it all fizzled out. I see dad and SM once every few months usually when they can fit us in for half an hour after all the sundry relatives/dogs/cats etc etc. Example, we got squeezed in on xmas eve at 6pm after SM's mum had gone home. As usual, we were made to feel like we were intruding on their time. In fact, we've never done anything over christmas with them. Never been invited over for lunch on boxing day or even a drink. The two times I've invited them, they've cancelled, once when I was it Waitrose actually paying for the food and champagne.

Dad has 11 siblings and I do get on with all of them. Never had any problem with them except they always seem to leave me, DH and DS out of things. An example is on saturday apparently one of dad's sisters is having a get together at hers. First I heard of it was when my cousin text me today asking if we were going. We do live about 10 miles away from everyone else, but we have always made the effort when we've been invited to anything else so it'snot like we're giving off CBA vibes.

Also, my grandad died last christmas (2011) I said to my dad that if everyone was putting a verse in the newspaper (they do this in my family) to let me know when it was happening and I would put mine in too. Cut to a few weeks later and my mum rings to say everyone has put verses in the newspaper for grandad. I felt like such a nobber. Out of 10 grandchildren, there was only me not included. Dad and SM had put theirs in and not even mentioned it.

There are other things but this post is long enough. I feel like cutting myself off from them. It actually made me cry this morning that we've been left out of yet another event. I don't get why. I don't think we're horrible people. Our friends seem to like us and my MIL's side/mum's side of the family seem to like us. It makes me especially sad and angry for DS as DH's dad died when we first were a couple so DS has one grandfather who can't be arsed with him. We go for literally WEEKS without speaking. It's doing nothing for my self-esteem being constantly excluded by them so would I be being unreasonable and a bit immature if I just cut myself off from them?

Thanks for reading if you managed it

Why do parents do that?
Why do they favour one child over another?
Do they think we don't notice?
I have had operations when i was younger and my parents didn't even come to the hospital with me!
I was sent out to work from 14 and every penny I earned went to my parents.
My siblings never contributed a penny.
I was the one expected to cook, clean, iron, look after my mother when she was "ill"....:(
No more.

What fun, friendship, support or family loyalty are you getting from them? Nothing and it's obviously causing you great stress. My mum used to cause me great stress and when I cut her off the relief was great. I would just quietly not contact them in future and if they do contact you be polite but don't try and plan anything, it!s just not worth your effort especially when it is obviously undermining/ hurtung you. Good luck and have a fab peaceful, stress free 2013 ...... You can choose your friends .....as they say!

God there are some shit parents out there!

My mum was the same, a narcissist who caused endless problems with her children. We pussy footed around her appalling behaviour for years, afraid to upset her.
We did eventually cut off all contact and I never regret it, only feel very sad for all she missed out on with her amazing, wonderful grandchildren. She could have been involved in all of that but she wasn't. And it was no bodies fault but her own.

Mine doesn't seem fussed about her grandchildren, they've had no contact, apart from 2 awful letters and the world's smallest, coldest Christmas cards, which went straight in the bin.

God some parents are crap aren't they?

I have no idea what I have done to make my home too stressful to visit, although I strongly suspect that that is just an excuse and that my DF or DSM have taken umbrage at something I've inadvertently done but they're not prepared to tell me so I have to guess for eternity.

Very true though greencolor about it sucking all of my emotional energy when it could be better focused on my dcs. Time for me to chalk up my palms and find a grip.

.

I have had days where I sob over crap like this from my family(s). I'm part of two, but don't feel fully included in either.

I have decided that my own little family is going to be my place of love and refuge. I do what I have to with the others, but I'm not going to allow them to hurt me any more.

My dad favours the dog over both me and my brother. He even said so, big post on facebook about how he loves his dog more than his children. I bit my tongue and said nothing. Something else set me off today though and I finally gave him a piece of my mind. In writing, so no clue how he'll respond, but I've had it with being ignored and then him making himself out to be this super dad.

I think there comes a time when you have to decide if it's worth the angst and effort to keep up the relationship at all. What do you get out of it?

Sassyfrass I have a relative like that whose catchphrase on every blog and email is a cutesy phrase along the lines of "my whole life is (her hobby) and nothing else". And her hobby ain't being a grandparent.

Oh yeah my dad definitely loves his pets more than me or his grandson. He stands there fawning over his vile Jack Russell whilst his 5 year old grandson tries to get a modicum of attention from him

I've cut off all my side of the family aside from one brother & don't regret it one bit. Luckily i love my in-laws. Do I mourn the fact that DD has only one GP (FIL sadly passed last year)? Yes I do. Do I mourn the fact tht I don't have a mum to turn to for advice & support? Yes I do. But I still don't regret it.
My parents are nasty pople that just ooze poison & I don't want them anywhere near my family. It has meant that I no longer see any relatives on that side at all - long reasoning I won't get into.
So my advice.... Think long & carefully about your decision & be fully prepared for the reality of cutting them off. But it might be the most freeing decision you ever make.
I wrote parents & brothers a letter explaining my reasons. Subsequently spoke to brothers (worked with one but other was a mamas boy twat!). told parents never contact me again. End of.
Good luck

I cut all contact to my mothers family about 8-9 years ago. They are seriously nasty people who, among other things, got themselves arrested at a funeral, and told my dcs that they are 'bastards' because they don't agree with the church that dh and I married in.

I still have a restraining order in place against one of them.

You are totally NOT being unreasonable. I won't put up with friends treating me in this fashion, why should I stand for it simply because they are family? I see it as protecting my dcs & dh from their disgustingly awful behaviour, and tbh cannot see a time where I would willingly speak/contact them again.

The sense of relief is amazing.

On the subject of how to do it. My dh wrote his parents a fairly polite letter telling them how he felt, the result was that we never heard from them again. God, the relief!

My DH found that when touch with them he never stopped hoping that they would love him, it it a constant kind of rejection. He is much happier now, we haven't even had so much as a card for 6 years and they don't know how many children we have.

Imagine not hearing from your family for 6 years Baubles - does that feel better? If so, do it.

I am not on FB...too often used to bully and be cruel to people IMHO.
I have no idea what will happen wrt my situation.
I know that at some point I will need to go into more detail with my parents and siblings and am dreading it.
I don't wish ill to any of them. On the contrary, I wish I could have made their lives happier, god knows I tried.
I just don't want a relationship with them where they can let me down and treat me badly.

One thing I've learned from my parents. There are some people you just can never make happy. Make yourself happier & stop trying.