I am thinking about cutting myself off from half of my family. Am I being an unreasonable cow?

[BaublesAndCuntingCarolSingers]

My dad and his side of the family have a knack of making me feel excluded/like a black sheep and obviously it really becomes apparent at times like funerals/weddings and christmas.

My mum and dad separated when I was 4. I had a close relationship with my dad until I got to about 13/14 and became a bit of a handful I got sent to stay with him and my stepmum after an almighty row with my mum and stepdad. My dad and stepmum locked me in their house whilst they went to work. I managed to escape and ran off to a friend's house and my dad didn't speak to me for ages after that. Since, despite burying the hatchet, we've had a stilted relationship to say the least. I thought we'd turned a corner when I got married/had DS. We seemed to be becoming closer again then it all fizzled out. I see dad and SM once every few months usually when they can fit us in for half an hour after all the sundry relatives/dogs/cats etc etc. Example, we got squeezed in on xmas eve at 6pm after SM's mum had gone home. As usual, we were made to feel like we were intruding on their time. In fact, we've never done anything over christmas with them. Never been invited over for lunch on boxing day or even a drink. The two times I've invited them, they've cancelled, once when I was it Waitrose actually paying for the food and champagne.

Dad has 11 siblings and I do get on with all of them. Never had any problem with them except they always seem to leave me, DH and DS out of things. An example is on saturday apparently one of dad's sisters is having a get together at hers. First I heard of it was when my cousin text me today asking if we were going. We do live about 10 miles away from everyone else, but we have always made the effort when we've been invited to anything else so it'snot like we're giving off CBA vibes.

Also, my grandad died last christmas (2011) I said to my dad that if everyone was putting a verse in the newspaper (they do this in my family) to let me know when it was happening and I would put mine in too. Cut to a few weeks later and my mum rings to say everyone has put verses in the newspaper for grandad. I felt like such a nobber. Out of 10 grandchildren, there was only me not included. Dad and SM had put theirs in and not even mentioned it.

There are other things but this post is long enough. I feel like cutting myself off from them. It actually made me cry this morning that we've been left out of yet another event. I don't get why. I don't think we're horrible people. Our friends seem to like us and my MIL's side/mum's side of the family seem to like us. It makes me especially sad and angry for DS as DH's dad died when we first were a couple so DS has one grandfather who can't be arsed with him. We go for literally WEEKS without speaking. It's doing nothing for my self-esteem being constantly excluded by them so would I be being unreasonable and a bit immature if I just cut myself off from them?

Thanks for reading if you managed it

They're twats, and they don't deserve me. I'm worth a million of her, she openly admits she's going to put them in a home, they wanted me to live with them when they get old.

Dat's right, girlfrieeeeen'

It'll come back and bite them on the arse, Stratters. When they're stuck in some piss-stinking day room watching re-runs of Dad's Army.

This is what baffles me about my dad also; he is the 2nd youngest sibling. Chances are most of his siblings will pass away before him. If SM also dies before him, who does he think is going to go and do his weekly shop for him when he is too old to do it? Or just look after him in general? I'll pass him the number for meals on wheels, he can sort himself out.

I hear you. My parents are divorced, and I have already cut my biological mum out of my life, however I could have written your post.

I have been in tears over the behaviour of my family this Christmas. I've suspected for a long time that we've been stage managed out of stuff, and then my db confirmed it. Apparently they don't feel welcome in my home (WTAF :( ), and my home is too stressful and chaotic. I manage a demanding full time job leading a large team, as does DH, we have three dcs, the eldest of whom is profoundly disabled - but apparently I am judged on my home. I hasten to add that my home is clean, if a little chaotic, and that my dcs do us proud. It's just a shame that my 'd'F cannot see that :(. Arses.

What is your house supposed to be like, Peggy? A museum? :( Wankers.

The lot of 'em.

Wankers.

Dad's Army is too good, they can watch reruns of Sorry and Hi de Hi.

I thought that when I typed it actually, Strats.

What about Ever Decreasing Circles? That was proper shit. And Bread.

One of MIL many excuses for not visiting was that she didn't like the house, not what was in it or the amostphere etc. but the building itself, an Edwardian terrace, she lives in an Edwardian detached, I can't see what the problem was.
We have now moved, she still doesn't visit, her excuse is its a long way to drive, we live 2 miles away,just off a main route that she drives down every weekend.

Bread. And Citizen Smith.

On a loop with Sorry and Some Mother's thingywotsit.

And Surgical Spirit for days when they have been particularly bothersome.

I could have written the first part of your post! My folks split when I was four and in my dads head the family crystallised I think once my sister was born and I'm just this complete afterthought. My sis gets invited to all the family parties despite never ever having people round her house or even throwing parties, and she gets invited to my uncles annual party every year. And yet we throw parties and invite all the relatives, and every year I have to hear from my sister about my uncles party. Last time I had to phone my uncle and practically beg for an invite. I don't know why cos I get on really well with my uncle. I suspect my Dad slags me off to everyone and tells them I can't be bothered with my family because he can't talk about anyone without slagging them off, and I don't know how to counter it Without just being super super nice.

I used to try hard with all my female cousins and relatives, but in the last couple of years I gave up. I met all of them recently at uncles party and didn't make any effort to reach out to them. Dad implied I was a complete embarrassment and attention seeker if I brought the musical instruments I play with my kids to play at the party, so I didn't bring them but sat demurely in a corner and my dad ignored me all day. I think my dad resents anyone hogging the attention or limelight or being good at anything.

If I were you I would find a way to not find out about parties, like if you R on Facebook with family just delete them, what you don't know about can't hurt you. And think to yourself how stupid your family are and how they generally suck at life because you are a great person and they will not get to see that side of you. Their loss, not yours. :)

God yes just cut them off. You don't need to do anything, they ave done that fr you by excluding you from stuff. They are horrid nasty people who you don't need dragging you down.

I think, sadly, that some people simply shouldn't be parents. Good thing my sister never bred, she'd be another Godawful self absorbed parent. She's too selfish and irresponsible to own a pet imo.

Baubles I remember years back reading an article by a psychologist on family issues which boiled down really to "play them at their own game". She said that is someone is too intrusive you should start intruding on them in just the same way and they will (hopefully) back off. I don't know if that theory works but, if it does and you decide you would like to maintain some sort of relationship, it may be worth just backing off and seeing if they make any effort. Maybe they make no effort because they think they don't need to as you always will IYSWIM.

Having said that the theory may be shit because I have a DB who makes no effort so I have just stopped chasing him and haven't heard from him either

Bups, you're too lovely to be bothering with cunts like them.

You would not be unreasonable at all. 10 miles is nothing - that's no reason to exclude you at all.

I'm wondering whether it would be worth saying something along the lines of: 'I feel that we're often excluded from things - for example . It really hurts and it's like you don't want to know us. I'm not going to contact you anymore but if you want to keep in touch, you know where I am.'

It lays out your cards and if you're going to cut contact, you don't have anything to lose. On the other ham, it might leave you feeling more open and vulnerable.

I have no experience of this though so others will be able to advise better, but I'd be very hurt by all that too.

Thank you Stratters

GreenColor, are we related? Sounds eerily similar. You sound lovely :(

"Having said that the theory may be shit because I have a DB who makes no effort so I have just stopped chasing him and haven't heard from him either"

That is totally what would happen

Ham = hand

Here's my philosophy... My nuclear meltdown family (ie the one I was born into) did a shit job with me, but the family I made myself is so far, touch wood, a good place with happy children and good self esteem. If I waste any emotional energy trying to please the nuclear meltdown family, I cause myself emotional damage (had a very rough couple of years when my mum wrote to me saying she didn't want to be our mother any more) and I will not go back to that. So now I only involve myself with nuclear meltdown family to the extent that I can be bothered (ie not much) and their opinions are worth squat to me.

So in short - put your kids first, protect your own mental health so you can be a good mother and one day your kids will thank you. Don't waste a second trying to be a good daughter. Sounds like its a mugs game, and could damage you if you get involved with it. Cut them off!

ChasedByBees that sounds sensible. Gets the point across and is non-confrontational.

Thanks Baubles, I find this sort of thread endlessly fascinating that these patterns of favouritism/dysfunction exist all over the place and other people are going through similar things to me. Makes me wonder why it happens. And how to stop it happening, ie how do we raise our kids so they aren't causing this pain to their kids one day?

Basically, GreenColor, I am just trying to do everything that parents didn't and not do everything that they did

Me too, Bups. I don't think there's a better thing that we could do for our children.

It doesn't have to be a huge deal. I may seem cold hearted but blood IS overrated IMO and the only unconditional love I believe in is that towards your children.
My philosophy is that if someone does not cause a positive effect on my life then they go. No big argument, no Eastenders showdown they just do not exist to me anymore. That goes for anyone,friends and family. Life is just too short to spend getting angry and upset.
I cut my DB off this year because he is a selfish man-child who is a little too fond of Drama. I realised that every big event in my life over the past few years had been marred by his childish actions in some way and his presence in my life had no positive effect. I don't hate him, if he approached me and apologised, I may form some sort of relationship but as it is my life is much smoother without him.
Don't feel obligated to cling on to people that make you unhappy. Sometimes the effort it takes to 'Sort out' these toxic relationships is more than they are worth.

i dont think it would be boring for you to talk about it. it may just be good for you to let out all the feelings. once they are all out you are ready to move on. i wonder if you ever tried to ask them why they did all this to you and it was hurtful. Did they do it on purpose ?times change and what people are like last year may not be what they will be like this year or in another 5 years time. so its worth maybe just hanging around there without any major mess, however you are the best judge of how much more you can take.

I have come to the conclusion that I have to do this too.
My parents were coming here for Xmas lunch.
My dc excited.
Then they come early and tell me that they are taking my sister (who can drive and has a dh) to the ooh gp as she may have a uti and she doesn't want to spoil my nephews Xmas day,
I put lunch back and tell them to phone me if they are going to be later.
They phone 5 mins before the time I said and are then over 40 mins late.
My mum then sits down at the table, food is obv cold, and relishes telling us all that everyone at the ooh gp was vomiting everywhere!
Lovely.
My ds2 has only just got over flu...he has been ill for over a month. Noro is just what he needs!
My sister then texts later to ask if she can come up with my nephews....I say no and then she texts me to say she is off to her pils (in a town some distance away)
So I don't think she is at deaths door exactly.
So sick of it.
I am sure sis had a lovely Boxing Day party at her house yesterday :(