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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my Dad to stop shouting at deaf DD?

66 replies

meMillyme · 27/12/2012 14:57

My DD (5) is profoundly deaf. She lip reads and signs and her speech is excellent.

My Dad has a terrible habit of bellowing everything at her at the top of his voice in a very precise and clear way. He is fully aware that she can hear quite literally nothing but still insists on doing it.

I've said to him several times that there is no need to do it and he will strain his voice, but he won't stop. It's uncomfortable for everyone else to listen to him shouting his head off all the time (did it yesterday at the panto!)

AIBU to have a serious talk about this with him?

OP posts:
MammaTJ · 27/12/2012 15:00

Do explain that shouting distorts the lip movements away from those of normal speech, so she is less likely to understand him than if he speaks normally.

It needs to be done for the sake of your DDs relationship with him.

Original poster
meMillyme · 27/12/2012 15:02

Hii, I have done, sadly to no avail

OP posts:
ZebraInHiding · 27/12/2012 15:05

Poor dd :( tell him she can see he is shouting and it scares or or makes her think he is actually angry or she is in trouble?

CalamityKate · 27/12/2012 15:07

How weird and annoying.

Does he say why he does it??

Original poster
meMillyme · 27/12/2012 15:07

I definatley need a strong chat with him as nothing I've said has sunk in yet. My Dad adores her and he thinks he is being helpful!

OP posts:
quoteunquote · 27/12/2012 15:10

Explain it helps if he whispers, he just needs retraining.

snowmummy · 27/12/2012 15:10

Yep a strong word is required. He needs to get his head around this and act accordingly.

WhoWhatWhereWhen · 27/12/2012 15:13

It's not complicated is it, do you think he has some form of dementia?

Floralnomad · 27/12/2012 15:13

Does he do sign language ,if not perhaps you could get him on a course and encourage him in that direction.

complexnumber · 27/12/2012 15:14

Don't get angry with your Dad (not that you have given any indication that you are angry with him), he may just need a bit more time to understand how best to communicate with his DGD.

You would hope that he will soon realise that shouting does not help at all and he will need to adopt other strategies.

Several years ago I took evening classes in BSL, I can't claim to remember much, but merely being in an room where many others were profoundly deaf opened my eyes as to the issues that needed to be addressed by all parties. Could he possibly attend a course near you?

Original poster
meMillyme · 27/12/2012 15:19

Thanks for the replies. No I don't think he has dementia I think he's just stubborn! It's been explained to him multiple times but doesn't get through.

Sign language is an idea. DH and I can sign and her 7- year- old Brothers are learning.

OP posts:
CalamityKate · 27/12/2012 15:39

What - he thinks he's being helpful even though you've told him numerous times that he isn't?

In that case he either needs a rollocking or to be taken to the GP.

In fact if you're fairly sure he isn't experiencing the onset of dementia and is simply being awkward, then saying in a very concerned way "Dad, I dont want to worry you but I think it's time we saw the doctor. We've noticed your memory isn't what it was. For instance we've told you loads of times that shouting at DD doesn't help but you still do it. When shall we make an appt for?"

GailTheGoldfish · 27/12/2012 15:43

Do have a word with him, politely but very firmly. And suggest he might like to go on a Deaf Awareness course as well as learning BSL. It might help him to meet a Deaf trainer on these courses who can tell him first hand what it's like to be on the receiving end of a shouty hearing person!

Fairenuff · 27/12/2012 15:44

Could you ask your dd to simply close her eyes if he shouts at her? (Assuming that she can tell from the expression on his face that he is shouting, or you could give her a signal).

That would make a quite a statement - if you are going to shout, I'm not going to listen, pure and simple.

CalamityKate · 27/12/2012 15:50

I'm still baffled why he does it TBH.

You say it's stubbornness but really, in this situation why on earth would he be stubborn?! Why would he do something that he's been told clearly doesn't help the DGD he claims to love?!

Original poster
meMillyme · 27/12/2012 16:18

Thanks everyone some great ideas here. I'm afraid iris down to his stubborn attitude; he flies off the handle when 'critisized' or disagreed with.

The absolute devastation expressed by his and my Mother when we first discovered Hope was deaf infuriated me, but tgats for another thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
meMillyme · 27/12/2012 16:19

Expressed by him and my mother rather

OP posts:
GailTheGoldfish · 27/12/2012 16:32

Another reason why it might be good for him to meet other deaf people, to show him how to communicate but also so he can see that deafness doesn't have to be a barrier to achievement or success.

AnneElliott · 27/12/2012 16:35

I would agree a BSL course. DH is hard of hearing and we did it a few years ago and it was fantastic. We met so many deaf people and people with deaf children, it might open his eyes. DH has the problem if peo

AnneElliott · 27/12/2012 16:37

Sorry posted too soon. DH gas the problem that people shout at him when it does distort the lips and makes lipeeading harder. He just keeps repeating "don't shout" until they stop doing it.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 27/12/2012 16:41

Have you tried this

"Dad. Why do you shout? you know she can't hear anything."

"Yes, but why do you shout, when we've been over this? Is it that you don't believe me that she can't hear anything?"

"What do you think that shouting will achieve?"

"So can you tell me why you shout if you accept that she cannot hear any sounds at all?"

"Do you realise that by shouting, you are making it harder for her to lip read?"

That sort of thing.

Really question him on it. Make him justify why he does it. If he isn't able to, perhaps that will get through to him.

CalamityKate · 27/12/2012 16:42

So he thinks he knows better than you about what is helpful and what isn't?

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 27/12/2012 16:43

Missed one off
"Do you think that if only you could manage to shout loud enough, she could hear you?"

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 27/12/2012 16:52

memilly - i hope you don't mind, but i have reported your post at 16:18 as you have mentioned childs name
apologies if you meant to and don't mind it being used
better safe than sorry :)

PS YANBU

Original poster
meMillyme · 27/12/2012 16:56

No I didn't realise! Thank you Smile

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