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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell my Dad to stop shouting at deaf DD?

66 replies

meMillyme · 27/12/2012 14:57

My DD (5) is profoundly deaf. She lip reads and signs and her speech is excellent.

My Dad has a terrible habit of bellowing everything at her at the top of his voice in a very precise and clear way. He is fully aware that she can hear quite literally nothing but still insists on doing it.

I've said to him several times that there is no need to do it and he will strain his voice, but he won't stop. It's uncomfortable for everyone else to listen to him shouting his head off all the time (did it yesterday at the panto!)

AIBU to have a serious talk about this with him?

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MyLittleAprilSunshine · 27/12/2012 17:01

That's very strange.

I can see why in the beginning he may've thought he was helping. Saying it in a normal voice would help more obviously as she can see the lip movements and read them. If you shout everything is exaggerated. I'd also find it a bit aggressive if someone was shouting at me all the time!

I used to be in a bus with someone who was completely deaf. It was quite fun we did a bit of signing and whenever we didn't understand eachother he had a pen and paper pad with him so we could write whatever we were trying to say down, it was very useful for both of us. He could also show me the sign for whatever I was trying to say. I had about 3 or 4 phrases memorised, new hello and goodbye, some colours, love, sad and angry. I think I still know them now.

But I would recommend him doing a course in BSL. I may do one myself one day, although we don't have anyone deaf or partially deaf in the family - it is always very good to know.

I hope your Dad eventually comes around.

Bobyan · 27/12/2012 17:26

I could be completely off track here but speaking as someone who has hearing loss, in my experience this sort of thing can be a sign of denial.
I've seen Grandparents refuse to accept the diagnosis of profound hearing loss and then as the child grows older refuse to learn to sign and continue as if they can just ignore what they have been told about the child's hearing levels...

Bobyan · 27/12/2012 17:27

By loss I also mean deafness in general.

maddening · 27/12/2012 17:45

Do any of the deaf associations do courses for families of deaf children? You could send him on one - if he spends a lot of time with her it would be worth it?

hatchypom · 27/12/2012 19:53

Do you think he doesn't understand her hearing level. Does she wear aids, old people often don't have the level of amplification they need, so it becomes habitual to speak up. You say she has good speech yet doesn't hear anything, which sounds confusing to me as a mother of 2 profound kiddies.

mum11970 · 27/12/2012 20:00

I was thinking the same hatch. My bil is profoundly deaf and cannot speak at all. I thought you needed a certain level of hearing for speech but I may be very wrong.

Original poster
meMillyme · 27/12/2012 20:16

No she doesn't wear aids, her speech is good and clear, she didn't start to speak until she was 3 1/2 though

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LargeLatte · 27/12/2012 20:19

Bobyan beat me to it - I was thinking he is in denial. Have you explained why she has hearing loss, what's not working, what she can actually hear? A diagram, a model? Something fact based and concrete for him to wrap his head around? I'm not saying he is consciously thinking that he you're not to be believed, but it must be a difficult thing to come to terms with. To help him stop shouting, could your dd raise her hand to signal 'stop' - explain to him that she will do this when he is shouting and she can't lip read.

beakysmum · 27/12/2012 20:30

You say that her speech is excellent, though she is profoundly deaf and does not wear aids?
Do you means that she talks with her mouth? Or that her overall communication is excellent, by using sign? How does she express herself?

Just trying to work out what your Dad is thinking he will help her do that she is not already doing, when he shouts?

hatchypom · 27/12/2012 20:56

Speech is in certain frequencies and levels but if she's at the profound end she would need very powerful hearing aids, a cochlear implant or a brain implant depending on the issue in the ear, but developing speech without appropriate amplification is very hard - so well done

Original poster
meMillyme · 27/12/2012 20:57

She signs and speaks through her mouth to people who can't sign. Her speech is excellent t for a profoundly deaf child, it's not at all difficult to understand her.

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Original poster
meMillyme · 27/12/2012 21:00

She does speak honestly - I'm not making it up Grin

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Original poster
meMillyme · 27/12/2012 21:02

She has worn aids in the past but finds them uncomfortable and irritating. Hates the thought of having objects in her ears..

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MaryChristmaZEverybody · 27/12/2012 21:03

Can you get her to tell him?

"grandad, I can't read your lips when you are shouting, could you just talk normally because it's easier for me" - that type of thing.

I suspect there is an element of denial - not critical denial, more a very strong wish that she could hear him if only he could shout loudly enough.

I think it is hard for grandparents when their grandchildren have any sort of "disability" because they have no input into managing it, they just have to accept it, which is hard often for older people when disability used to be something to be ashamed of.

Original poster
meMillyme · 27/12/2012 21:06

Worth a try Mary. I think you're right. Be tells people she is'poorly'' which is not a good attitude to have

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HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 27/12/2012 21:06

How does she know what words sound like?
I am not doubting you! I am just blown away to learn that someone who has never heard a sound in her life can know what sounds to make, how to put them together, etc. i mean how does she know that an a is ah and not uh or oh ?
That's so amazing. She's so amazing.

MrsDeVere · 27/12/2012 21:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 27/12/2012 21:08

Xpost. Sorry, I though you were saying shed never been able to hear, but xpost with you saying she used to wear an aid

MrsDeVere · 27/12/2012 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Violet77 · 27/12/2012 21:13

Have you tried shouting at him....see if he likes it.

Original poster
meMillyme · 27/12/2012 21:15

She used to yes bet hated wearing it. I didn't want her to feel uncomfortable. Her speech is great and she's a little chatter box.

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Original poster
meMillyme · 27/12/2012 21:17

I will definatley try the signing idea. Getting DD to 'teach' him is a great idea too.

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NeonFlapjacks · 27/12/2012 21:30

meMil, NDCS do information weekends for grandparents of deaf children. Might be worth considering (if he'd go). My mum - who has always been totally supportive and informed - loved it. Picked up loads of hints, was able to voice her fears/worries etc without feeling she was burdening me. MIL is a bit like your dad, she genuinely means well but just doesn't 'get' it despite our best efforts. I think it's partly generational with her. She shouts at her deafened friends so figures she needs to shout at DD.

Original poster
meMillyme · 27/12/2012 21:35

Neon do they? What a great idea. Dad's birthday is at the end of January so I might get that as part of his present.

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Original poster
meMillyme · 27/12/2012 21:38

How does dyour daughter react to the shouting neon?

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