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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect (D)P to cancel his plans when the DC are ill?

82 replies

woopdiedoo · 27/12/2012 14:32

I don't think IABU but maybe I am.

DD1 has a flu like illness. She is on day 7. We have 2 other DC who have colds but are not nearly as ill as DD1. There is no gas on the meter, the house is fucking freezing, we've run out if basics and I have no money to get these things nor do I want to drag all 3 DCs out to get them.

DP had planned to go out today for a couple of weeks but u had forgotten all about it until he said 'right, I'm off out now', at 11 this morning. I'm so angry with him.

It's not like he never goes out, he was out drinking from 12 noon yesterday and got back at 8.30pm. He tears Xmas like a massive alcohol fest which I can't understand as I'm not a big drinker. He drank all day Xmas eve while I got everything ready for Xmas. He doesn't appreciate how much effort goes into these things. He will also be going out New Year's Eve whilst I am stuck at home.

He works long hours and this is the first time in a long while that he has some time off to spend with us and he is choosing to go out drinking instead. I never go out anymore and I never get a break from the kids.

So AIBU to expect him to stay at home to help me with the DCs or at the very least make sure that we have the things we need so I don't need to drag them to the shops?

OP posts:
OhDearNigel · 27/12/2012 15:42

I would not expect DH to cancel plans just because DD was ill. However he also would not dream in a month of Sundays to go out on the lash while we had no food or warmth in the house

Time to break free OP x

Original poster
woopdiedoo · 27/12/2012 15:42

I will definitely have to keep quiet. He would kick me out there and then if I told him I was planning to leave. Thank you for the advice re paper work, that's not something I would have thought about myself.

The thing is, I don't feel that angry. I did when I first posted but I'm not sure how I feel now. Just numb and fed up I suppose.

OP posts:
harryhausen · 27/12/2012 15:44

OP, I have no advice better than what's been given already. I just wanted to give you a virtual hug to say that you do deserve MUCH better than this.
The only other DH I know who behaves like this is my DBiL who's an angry, verbally/emotionally abusive nasty alcoholic. Don't let it get that far.
SmileX

BerryChristmas · 27/12/2012 15:44

And you're still with him.......why? And you WILL stay with him........why?

Original poster
woopdiedoo · 27/12/2012 15:45

Maybe I would have been ok about him going out had it been a one off (and we had heat and toilet roll) but he goes out all the time and u never get a day off.

There's just so much unfairness in our relationship. Everything seems to be to the benefit of himself and I'm expected to put up with it because I'm a woman and mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
woopdiedoo · 27/12/2012 15:49

I'm always so surprised to hear on here of all the people who have lovely and supportive OHs. Sometimes I think DP doesn't realise such men exist because all his friends are the same as him. Most if my friends have DPs like him. The only good examples of relationships I see are in here and (some) tv films/programmes.

I suppose I have stayed up to now because I live him, we have a family, I get some financial support from him (ie the house is paid for) and he's not a total turd, he has some redeeming qualities. Just not sure if these things are enough anymore especially if it means the DCs are not put first.

OP posts:
OhDearNigel · 27/12/2012 15:52

Here are some tips on "Leaving Safely" from a leaflet I send out to some of my clients

  • Have some money saved in case you need to use a taxi or bus
  • If you don't have a mobile, sind somewhere you can quickly and safely use the phone should you need to
  • Take important documents such as marriage and birth certificates, court orders, passport, benerit and bank books and medical records
  • Have a small back packed with an extra set of keys for the house and car should you need to leave in an emergency
  • Take essential medicines
  • Do not leave unless it is safe to do so

I know you may think that because there's no physical abuse it doesn't qualify but the financial situation puts you fair and square in the middle of an abusive relationship. Women's Aid will help you and I also recommend the website Rights of Women - they have lots of handy legal information there for women who are planning to separate from abusive partners

Sunnywithachanceofjinglebells · 27/12/2012 15:55

Hello lovely

It might be worth calling Shelter's helpline to find out if there's help available for your housing situation, and benefits.

YANBU at all, btw.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife · 27/12/2012 15:55

He is a total turd

Snazzyfeelingfestive · 27/12/2012 15:57

OP, no wonder he doesn't like you coming on here - it's because people on here are going to point out what a crap partner and father he is being. You're quite right to go. What decent man goes out spending on himself leaving his family cold?

Can you go to a friend's over the next few days, if you can't go to your parents yet?

catgirl1976geesealaying · 27/12/2012 16:00

Move out to your parents

He is a complete cock. How the actual fuck could anyone go out enjoying themselves knowing their ill children don't have enough nappies?

Angry
CaptChaos · 27/12/2012 16:22

The cock wants you gone, if he didn't he would have heating on for himself, if no one else.

I should follow PP advice about getting things together, most especially his bank details and his wage details, so that CSA can kick his arse!

What he is doing is abusing you and abusing your children, if you stay without making plans to leave he will continue to abuse your children, it's a no brainer really.

ClaraOswinOswald · 27/12/2012 17:59

Make sure you log out of MN when not using it- he may find this thread if he knows you use the site. It sounds like you have made your decision and will be leaving him. There is sound advice on this thread, please follow it. Good luck. x

ShellyBoobs · 27/12/2012 23:06

He sounds like a total knob.

I know not everyone pools all their money and calls it 'theirs' rather than hers/his money but I just can't imagine a situation where leaving you and DCs without heat and food, and you only having old clothes while he has new ones, is 'normal'.

Xmas Sad
sashh · 28/12/2012 00:12

Tbh I rely on credit a lot. I know I shouldn't and due to my debt it will make leaving him more difficult.

That's financial abuse.

What sort of human, let alone a parent, leaves sick children in a cold house with no food?

Read that last bit again.

He is abusing you and the children, he is controlling you financially.

Go to your parents ASAP.

peaceandlovebunny · 28/12/2012 00:20

he's a partner, not a husband. you can walk away. do. seems like you've decided to do it, so go through with it. take the children, go to your parents. get your children warm and safe. don't go back to him.

Original poster
woopdiedoo · 28/12/2012 08:52

Hi everyone. Thanks again for all the advice.

I managed to get to the shops with the DC yesterday. He came home just before midnight. He had a go at me this morning because I didn't get up straight away with the DC. I told him I can't do this with him anymore. He wants me to sleep in the DC's bedroom until I leave and has informed me that he is going out again today. I think there may be another woman, it wouldn't be the first time.

Feel really upset today and angry at myself for putting up with him so long.

Problem is we have a wedding booked for early next year so now I have to inform everyone that its cancelled and cancel with all the suppliers. I feel bad on all the people who have paid to go on my hen do and the family members who have plane tickets booked.

I can't get over how selfish he is. How can anyone be so nasty and selfish?

I'm worried about arranging contact for the DCs. He's not very good with our 2 year old and shows massive favouritism towards DD1.

I'm also not thrilled about going back to my parents. They are hoarders and the house is quite dirty but I know it's just a stop gap until I can clear my debt and get a place of my own.

My head is a mess Sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
woopdiedoo · 28/12/2012 09:03

I forgot to add that dd1 kept asking for him, she's a daddy's girl, so I let her call him. He told her he'd be back before tea so she was really upset that he still wasn't back when I put her to bed.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 28/12/2012 09:20

Things are going to be tough for a while but you're doing the right thing. Just think - 2013 will be the year you make a warm, happy home for you and your dc and stop being treated like shit.

Keep mumsnetting - it's good for you Smile

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 28/12/2012 09:35

what a selfish twat!

so glad to hear you are leaving. he is not good for you or your dc's. take this time now to get things organised and settled and find out about getting your own place. you may be going to live with hoarders, but i bet they put the heating on

good luck Smile

Original poster
woopdiedoo · 28/12/2012 10:01

Yes, they do have a warm house at least and not all the housework will fall solely to me, so there are definite benefits.

He's spent the morning screaming at me, telling me this is all my fault, how I'm being pathetic over one night out Hmm, blah blah. His behaviour is just strengthening my resolve to LTB.

I just feel sad for the DC, it's going to be such an upheaval for them but I know this us in their best interests long term. If I stayed and they accepted the same sort of abuse from their own partners I would be devastated and know that I only had myself to blame.

He's also insisting that I pay the rest of the wedding off. Not sure how I'm supposed to afford that with all my other debt.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 28/12/2012 10:08

Are the bills for the wedding in your name or his or both. If they are in joint names or his name then sod him. You owe him nothing.

Original poster
woopdiedoo · 28/12/2012 10:17

Some bookings are in my name, others in joint names, particularly the venue which we still owe £1000 to. All I can do is set payment plans up with them, I don't have any money to pay them. I guess they could go after ex but he has a string of ccjs against his name so they won't get anything from him. It will likely ruin my very good credit rating but right now I don't care, it will be worth it to get away from him.

OP posts:
Snazzyfeelingfestive · 28/12/2012 10:18

What Chaz says above. He can insist all he likes, if in his name that's tough. Plus go and get a free half hour with a solicitor to find out about finances after the split.

If you were my friend, I w ould rather I had to cancel a plane ticket for your hen do than see you marry an utter cock like this.

AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 28/12/2012 12:34

fgs, hear this

when he comes crawling back, and you cave in yet again, do not marry this man