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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect (D)P to cancel his plans when the DC are ill?

82 replies

woopdiedoo · 27/12/2012 14:32

I don't think IABU but maybe I am.

DD1 has a flu like illness. She is on day 7. We have 2 other DC who have colds but are not nearly as ill as DD1. There is no gas on the meter, the house is fucking freezing, we've run out if basics and I have no money to get these things nor do I want to drag all 3 DCs out to get them.

DP had planned to go out today for a couple of weeks but u had forgotten all about it until he said 'right, I'm off out now', at 11 this morning. I'm so angry with him.

It's not like he never goes out, he was out drinking from 12 noon yesterday and got back at 8.30pm. He tears Xmas like a massive alcohol fest which I can't understand as I'm not a big drinker. He drank all day Xmas eve while I got everything ready for Xmas. He doesn't appreciate how much effort goes into these things. He will also be going out New Year's Eve whilst I am stuck at home.

He works long hours and this is the first time in a long while that he has some time off to spend with us and he is choosing to go out drinking instead. I never go out anymore and I never get a break from the kids.

So AIBU to expect him to stay at home to help me with the DCs or at the very least make sure that we have the things we need so I don't need to drag them to the shops?

OP posts:
Laquitar · 27/12/2012 14:54

I'm Shock

You don't even sound angry.

How is he going? Petrol, taxi?

You need to sorrt out your finances, budget and priorities.

MrsMcEnroe · 27/12/2012 14:54

"I'm SAHM so I have very little money especially since I bought the Xmas food shop. We can afford food and heat just about but the money is in his account. I just though it would have been nice of him to make sure we were ok before he pissed off out."

I think you need I leave him. If you are a SAHM with no money, but your partner has money, it's because he is choosing for you to have no money. How exactly does he expect you to feed and clothe the children? Does he expect you to use your child benefit while he gets to spend all his earnings on himself? I'd be willing to bet that this is exactly what he thinks. Why on earth is all the money in his account?

Original poster
woopdiedoo · 27/12/2012 14:57

The house is his outright. If I go it will have to be to my parents. I can't go til the end of January though as they have family staying but I know they will take us in.

I guess I don't sound angry because I'm not even surprised. This is just indicative of his entire attitude to me/his family. I am very hurt though. I have been hoping things will change but I know I am clutching at straws.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 27/12/2012 14:57

Punishing you is bad enough but leaving his sick kids in the cold in order to do it is just so so wrong.

ZebraInHiding · 27/12/2012 14:59

It does not sound very nice for you and the DVD :(

dreamingbohemian · 27/12/2012 15:00

x-post

Perhaps start making plans for late January then -- you can always cancel if he has a massive turnaround, but meanwhile start investigating benefits and removals and everything else you need to do.

Original poster
woopdiedoo · 27/12/2012 15:00

I get the tax credits but they have been reduced by a lot this year and I am struggling, especially as it is me who buys everything for the children. Tbh I rely on credit a lot. I know I shouldn't and due to my debt it will make leaving him more difficult.

He has been promising to give me money from his wages each month but it hasn't happened.

OP posts:
MrsMcEnroe · 27/12/2012 15:02

Then it sounds as though the best thing you could do is to move in with your parents, and claim child support from your DCs' father via a solicitor / the CSA...

Must be horrible for you, I'm so sorry.

Laquitar · 27/12/2012 15:02
Sad

Then use the time till you go to your parents to gather info, legal advice and to photocopy everything.

For now can you borrow some money for gas?

Original poster
woopdiedoo · 27/12/2012 15:04

Yes, I will get the ball rolling in leaving. I've had enough and I can't go on like this anymore.

Sometimes it's small things that make me think WTAF am I doing? I was folding washing earlier and all my stuff is pyjamas that are years old compared to his piles of clothes and that boils down to the fact that I can't afford clothes for myself.

And I'm doubting myself all the time about whether what he does is normal because I've put up with it for so long. Hence me coming on here.

OP posts:
Original poster
woopdiedoo · 27/12/2012 15:06

I will borrow some money from DS's money box for gas and put it back later. I absolutely hate doing that though Sad.

OP posts:
BoysAreLikeDogs · 27/12/2012 15:07
Sad

he is a cock

are the children his? you are in a very vulnerable position, no income and cohabiting. Agree you need to get legal advice

ChaoticforlifenotjustChristmas · 27/12/2012 15:07

Seriously leave the bastard. You deserve better than this.

ClaraOswinOswald · 27/12/2012 15:09

I hope you don't mind me asking, but are the children his? If they are, you don't have to leave, whether he owns the house or not.

If not, cut your losses and move in with your parents. You and your children deserve better.

New year, new start, good luck.

Iggly · 27/12/2012 15:09

Jesus Christ on a bike.

What's with the whole his money/your money bollocks?

You both have children, you both have a house to keep warm etc. why is he acting like a student/bachelor who only pays for his stuff?
And why do you put up with this?

Bluestocking · 27/12/2012 15:10

None of this is normal - except borrowing money from children's money boxes, we all do that! You poor thing, this sounds like a horrible situation.
I agree with the posters who say use January as time to gather all the important documents and information you can. Passports, birth certificates, copies of his pay slips, etc. Stay strong and keep us posted.

Original poster
woopdiedoo · 27/12/2012 15:10

Yes, 2DCs are his, one mine from a previous relationship.

He has promised time and time again to put the house into joint names. Another one if his false promises.

I have only been on MN a few months but it has really opened my eyes. I have been standing up for myself much more since joining. Guess it was just a matter of time before I had to accept that the DCs and I deserve better.

OP posts:
Original poster
woopdiedoo · 27/12/2012 15:12

I'm starting to realise that I put up with his shit because my DM put up with the same shit from my DF. I don't want my girls thinking this is ok though Sad.

OP posts:
Original poster
woopdiedoo · 27/12/2012 15:13

I have asked him to leave and let us stay here so many times but it's just not worth the fight and hassle.

New start at my parents will be best all round I think.

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 27/12/2012 15:16

No wonder he doesn't want you on here so much, if it's helped you stand up to him more!

TurnipCake · 27/12/2012 15:20

I'm so glad you realise you and your children are worth more than this. Use this time now to collect important paperwork you may need, this time next year, you will have a lovely Christmas with your children and without this piss artist

Lulumama · 27/12/2012 15:22

don't wait til end of jan, speak to your folks today, tell them the score and I am sure they will make room for you adn teh dcs now

you need to move whilst you are still angry, not wait for him to come gome and have a chance to talk you round

ihearsounds · 27/12/2012 15:26

I wouldnt be waiting till the end of the month. I would be looking at options now.
Find out if housing benefit do a rent deposit scheme.
He doesn't give a shit about his family. He should be supporting you financially not letting tc and cb do this. What would happen if tc were reduced further? he would allow is family to starve while he lives a single life.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 27/12/2012 15:34

As others have suggested. Take some time to gather important paperwork e.g. birth certs and passports
All bank account details
Information about his employment to help with your CSA claim

Also start gathering together stuff that matters to you such as photos. Even if you can't go straight to your parents I'd be tempted to drop the important paperwork off there as soon as you can.

Don't let him know you are thinking of leaving unless you are sure he won't react badly. Just keep your head down and quietly get on with your plans.

Best of luck.

Onezerozero · 27/12/2012 15:36

Hold onto that anger and use it to make things better. You don't want your daughters to end up with a man should treats them like this.