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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think adults who can't drive are a nuisance

815 replies

Atthewelles · 27/12/2012 14:07

Barring situations where an illness or financial circumstances proscribe it aibu to think adults who can't drive are a PITA. People have to constantly go out of their way to collect/drop them off places; arrange plans around the times that suit the non-driver who can't travel solo but has to tag along with you; always be the designated driver who can't have a drink while the non driver happily slurps a third glass of wine etc etc etc

Yes, I have been spending too much time with a non driving sibling over the family Christmas but AIBU to think that a perfectly functioning adult (who is extremely technically minded) in full time paid employment, should bloody well learn to drive.

OP posts:
Offred · 30/12/2012 19:39

Yep, I don't go out unless my husband drives me(!) that's because it is absolutely impossible to get around without a car(!) Nevermind that 99% of the journeys I make are by bike!

It is you autumn who is making driver out to be scary by insisting they all drive when they are medically unfit and this is ok because everyone does it...

TrampyPants · 30/12/2012 19:41

Do you have a railcard? Return for 3 of us to london from shropshire is £30.

Just accept, some people are happy without cars. Cars are not necessary.

autumnlights12 · 30/12/2012 19:41

*it goes back to the old days, when husbands drove their wives everywhere and was often used as a form of control; knowing where the little woman was and when she'd be back. I don't know a single independent woman, with the means to afford a car, who would choose not to.

Utter bollocks*

No.
Utterly true.
I had Aunts who behaved like this. I knew lots of non driving women in my childhood. Sadly it wasn't always seen as necessary for 'her indoors' to drive. You can call it bollocks, but doesn't make it any less true.

Offred · 30/12/2012 19:41

And which is it? Drivers are terribly put upon by non-drivers OR non-drivers are women oppressed by the patriarchy? I'm putting on my dh or I'm controlled by him? Which?

TessCowDirect · 30/12/2012 19:42

You've never met me then autumn Grin

I will admit that there was a time, when the DC were very little, that I thought that me being able to drive would make life easier. However, at that time, I could not afford to run a car.

We are now a two car family (DH & DS1). As the main earner in the household, you could say I have paid for both the cars yet I absolutely have no intention of learning to drive. I hate cars.

If I did learn to drive, we would need another car as both DH & DS need theirs for work. The car would then sit on the drive all week as I work in the city centre and I am not going to pay parking fees and sit in a traffic jam when there is public transport. I would not use the car if I was going out for a drink. I hate shopping. I'm just not convinced that I would make much use of a car at all.

Offred · 30/12/2012 19:42

That's the thing btw autumn, not everyone sees their own convenience as the single most important factor in decisions they make about their lives.

TrampyPants · 30/12/2012 19:44

It may be true for you and some other women. Not for everyone though, not for me (dh doesn't drive) not for offred, nor the others on here who are happy to not drive. You really are so blinkered!

An abusive man is an abusive man. He will be abusive whether you can drive or not.

cantspel · 30/12/2012 19:46

My husband has never driven and he is now in his 50's. When we met he was living in central london and had no need to drive.
I do drive and did when we met but he has still never learnt. i think it is 50% lazyness and 50% not having the confidence. But it is a pain that he can never do his share of the driving, offer me a lift or pick me up if i want to go on the lash without him. My son plays alot of sport and you always have 25% of players who would not be able to play if drivers like me were not willing to offer lifts as it is not possible to get a bus at 7.30 in the morning to some random field the otherside of the county.
Driving is a life skill and you do limit your choices and put yourself at the mercy of others generosity if you cant drive.

nailak · 30/12/2012 19:47

trampy i dont think you know a wide range of people then!

my mum was a single parent, worked as a teacher, very much independent as who would she depend on! lol we managed without a car, for the past 25 years she has been taking the bus and train to work and it works out the same time as a car journey would anyway!

we did all shopping, going to activities, visiting etc by bus. I grew up used to this lifestyle and therefore dont find it weird.

Your experiences may be different, but it doesnt mean because you havent experienced something (like an independent women who doesnt drive even though she could) that it is not common, just you havent seen it or you havent realise you have seen it. Obviously you judge people's lifestyles and if they are "independent" or not and their choices. So your view is obviously not objective.

Brodicea · 30/12/2012 19:50

I never learned to drive because my mum, and then I, could never afford it.

I think it's really narrow minded to assume you are some kind of lazy skank for not learning - it is like £20 a lesson where I live!

Anyway, I never ask for lifts, I always get the bus or the train - why not suggest that to your errant kin?

amillionyears · 30/12/2012 19:50

A lot of these things even out in life.
When the children were littler, I used to be the main car driver of their friends groups. But they did more of the hostessing.
Worked out well.

TrampyPants · 30/12/2012 19:50

Nail, I think you mean autumn Grin

Cant I really don't think driving is a life skill. Being able to cook is a life skill. Being able to change a plug is a life skill. Driving is not. Imagine if driving was compulsary, imagine the mess, the roads, the parking, the accidents, the cost...

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 30/12/2012 19:51

I can drive but I live in London so have no need for a car. I have the means but no desire to own my own, what would be the point?
But it is a very valuable life skill and I love the fact that I can use any number of 'car for a day' rental schemes when having a car is far easier than getting a train (and often cheaper).
For me it means freedom and I do feel a bit sorry for people who don't have that skill because it does make life a lot easier.

Offred · 30/12/2012 19:54

I don't see why the sport thing is the non-driver's problem though, things should not be organised completely around cars because not everybody can drive, that is just a fact. It is pretty inconsiderate to the many many people who can't drive to make things only accessible by car. My ds used to play football and most of his fixtures were accessible by public transport though. In fact he played many more matches than lots of the team despite being totally crap because we always were available for matches unlike other people who for some reason never seemed to be able to commit to the matches.

TrampyPants · 30/12/2012 19:56

I can see how it might be useful at times. But not a life skill. A life skill is something that you need to lead a healthy, happy, independant life.

I taught my dsis to plumb a washing machine, change a fuse/plug, unblock a sink, fit an oven and cook. Only a few of those are life skills, all are handy. But not all are necessary.

TessCowDirect · 30/12/2012 19:59

We were recently going round to friends for an evening. One of the friends said he will come round and pick us up. We live 3 streets away and no more than a 10 minute walk !!

zukiecat · 30/12/2012 20:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cantspel · 30/12/2012 20:01

sport is always going to involve some sort of travel. With your example of football you play a home game and an away game. If the away team is also a local team then yes you could get the bus but if you play county league or a cup game then much more unlikely to be local. And depending on your location could well be an out of town pitch in the middle on no where.
You cant always find pitches local and the older the kids get the harder it is to get a full size pitch.

TrampyPants · 30/12/2012 20:03

Ds plays rugby. We live in a village. Its all doable.

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 30/12/2012 20:05

I think it is a life skill. It's something you learn which makes life a lot easier for you and other people, much like the skills you mentioned. But I've got no chip on my shoulder about people who choose not to learn, it's all about what suits the individual.

cantspel · 30/12/2012 20:07

I know nothing about youth rugby league so cant comment but in the 2 different football leagues my son has played in over the past 8 years you need a car or someone willing to offer a lift.

TessCowDirect · 30/12/2012 20:09

dickie I agree with you that it is down to what suits the individual.

However, I do think learning how to manage on public transport is also a life skill - for all those times that the car won't start, is in the garage etc.

I know a few drivers (yes DH, you included) that haven't a clue about getting around without a car.

TrampyPants · 30/12/2012 20:12

We get the bus or taxis to matches. Its honestly no biggie. Even if I could drive, I wouldn't. I think there are too many cars on the road and people are too reliant on them.

Offred · 30/12/2012 20:23

Yep and I'm a bit Hmm at this "relying" on car drivers who hate "being made to feel like they have to offer lifts" and I'm wondering if it applies to any of the people who have occasionally insisted on giving me lifts before i had four dc/got the cargo bike even though I didn't really want them to drive me and dc or when it has made the journey harder e.g. Someone who insisted on dropping me at a station near their house because they "couldn't allow" me to get the bus again even though it took me an extra half an hour to get home, or people who insist I can't take my dc out in the cold/rain/weather or insist I can't expect them to walk/cycle "that far" to the point I feel I have no option but to cram us into their car, to then think they may have been resentful about me relying on their car is a bit amusing. fundamentally I don't think car drivers want it to be possible to walk/cycle a lot of the time because it makes them feel lazy.

Cerealqueen · 30/12/2012 20:28

Everybody's circumstances are different. I don't drive, live in a big city and walk whenever possible. I use public transport. I shop locally and do the occasional on-line supermarket shop. DP drives and he enjoys it but uses his car for work so even if I wanted to, I'd not have use of a car and we can't afford to run two cars.

I like that one of us is not car bound so the DCs see that walking is a healthy enjoyable option to getting around. I lost my baby weight very quickly for both Dcs and when car bound people comment I remind them that with school pick ups and drops offs, I am walking for at least 40 minutes a day, sometimes twice that. That in itself is a good enough reason for me not to drive, frankly.