Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not be thrilled with necklace from partner

78 replies

deb630 · 27/12/2012 13:42

I dont know if i am being an absolute cow or not. Was given a locket, I smiled and said it was lovely, even though i hated it. I ltr took it off and when he asked did i like i ummed and ahhed, and tried to say in the nicest way, that its just not me,its gold, i only like white gold, its too big and showy, and fussy, i only like very plain and simple small things.He had a fit, said i was ungrateful,but if i have to wear something for the rest of my life,i would have preferred to have at least liked it.He and his family, have made feel like im the lowest of the low. Im not a nasty person,i just feel so awful over this. He walked out on xmas day, and our relationship is on the rocks, we are meeting to talk tommorow night

OP posts:
Mumsyblouse · 27/12/2012 14:10

Yes, but he deliberately pursued the matter, knowing full well that you probably didn't love it, so he could have a 'justified' strop at you and make you feel bad. My husbnand didn't like my present last year, I teased him about it, but it makes not a jot of difference to how we feel about this. I bet this isn't the first time he's gone off on one or his family have made you feel bad, if you are truthful.

RooneyMara · 27/12/2012 14:10

Okay. So he was brought up by his gran. That might not mean anything, but it is a situation that has the potential to create a lot of anger issues - anger against his mum for not being there, being the central one.

This can really affect the way a person sees all women. I'm throwing this out there as I've seen it before. But I could be well off track so sorry if I am.

Just worth thinking about - but honestly I don't think his reaction has ANYthing to do with what you did or said. It's not your fault. He's being a git.

usualsuspect3 · 27/12/2012 14:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
deb630 · 27/12/2012 14:15

I love him so much, but sometimes he just creates issues over nothing. he split up with his wife of 24 yrs, she cheated on him twice, he keeps saying he doesent want arguments or to fall out,but its not real life if you never fall out or argue is it

OP posts:
FanjoTimeMammariesAndWine · 27/12/2012 14:15

As usual, I agree with usual

Original poster
deb630 · 27/12/2012 14:16

RooneyMara, you are very insightful,he has real issues with hismum, dont think he can forgive her, more than once, when i have said something, he has sadi i sound like his mother, and thats the last thing he wants!

OP posts:
RooneyMara · 27/12/2012 14:22

Oh crikey. I'm sorry to be nearing the mark, really - it would be better if I'd been wrong.

Men who have huge mother issues can sometimes take those out, without meaning to, on every woman they are with - it's not you, it's her he's angry with and he sounds like he would benefot from some therapy to sort this out and separate it from the reality of a normal relationship.

You'll never be good enough or react in the right way, or love him enough, otherwise - not in his eyes Sad

How long ago did they break up and how long have you been with him?

RooneyMara · 27/12/2012 14:24

Btw is called transference...he's transferring what he feels about his mum, onto you, because you're there basically and she isn't.

It's not rational or fair on you. He can sort it, but it will take time and commitment and an acceptance that he is doing this - and I bet he will find that very hard to admit.

Whether you stay or not is your choice. But be aware it could get worse. Depends what you're willing to take. I hope he was not abusive to his ex?

Original poster
deb630 · 27/12/2012 14:25

They broke up 3 yrs ago and we have been together just a little over 2 yrs

OP posts:
Original poster
deb630 · 27/12/2012 14:26

nO e wasnt abusive,verbally maybe, but ot physically.He can be the most caring, lovely person, but just completely over reacts, and just takes things to heart, and is over sensitive

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 27/12/2012 14:34

You said he's overreacted before, can you give some examples? Because I think he's bad news actually. Saying you're acting just like his mother, who you know he hates, is incredibly manipulative

RooneyMara · 27/12/2012 14:35

Well, I think it sounds like you have some issues to work on together - more his than yours, clearly - but it could be salvageable if he's willing to admit he was OTT about this.

I can't think of any normally adjusted, well balanced and fair minded fellow reacting like he did just because you said it wasn't really 'your sort of thing' - and you didn't throw it in his face.

Good luck but please approach the meeting knowing yuo did nothing wrong. My parents always tell each other if they don't really like something, have a chat, go and exchange it together. He sounds over invested in you, he needed you to be some fantasy picture of gratitude he had in his imagination, and you weren't, so he's not being fair - it's like the gift wasn't about you at all but about getting a satisfactory reaction from you, for his own self.

does that make sense?

usualsuspect3 · 27/12/2012 14:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thixotropic · 27/12/2012 14:37

Here is another little piece of perspective. My dh (bless him) is a total drama queen, lives for the excuse for a good theraputic strop.

His present to me this yr was similar to yours, in that it wasn't really 'me' it was nice, thoughtful but not what I would use.

When he asked me if I liked it, said it was nice then I paused trying to decide what to say.

This bit is where our stories differ, op

He said if you don't like it, no problem I send it back.

I thanked him for his kind thought, we had a cuddle, then he asked me what I did want and ordered it for me. (More RAM for my computer, arrived today and I'm chuffed to bits with it.)

So op and I handled it very similarly, but even a certified drama queen just took it on the chin and exchanged it.

Seems to me like there must be something underlying with your dp, op.

RooneyMara · 27/12/2012 14:38

In fact I'd go as far as to say, he's having a relationship which doesn't quite involve you as a person - the fact you didn't like it should matter to him because you weren't happy, not because you made him feel like he failed or something.

As I said, not about the locket.

MajesticWhine · 27/12/2012 14:52

This reminds me of a time when my partner gave me a handbag for Christmas. I tactfully said that it wasn't really my style, and could I change it. He had bought it abroad and had no receipt, so there was no way to change it. It caused a huge row and he was very hurt, and really overreacted in my opinion. Then it later transpired that he had been having an affair and was using every excuse to pick a fight with me and find excuses for me to be the bad guy.

I'm not suggesting this is the same scenario here, but I suspect it is not about the locket, just as in my case, it wasn't about the handbag.

usualsuspect3 · 27/12/2012 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sallyingforth · 27/12/2012 16:25

It's not just about the locket. There is something more.

RooneyMara · 27/12/2012 17:00

No one said he's having an affair. I mean it's a possibility but it's only that at this stage...like it is in most relationships, well, unhappy ones/ones where someone is behaving oddly.

RooneyMara · 27/12/2012 17:02

and while you're shouting down everyone else's opinions on this, Usual, what about your own take on it? Any thoughts? Or not?

ImperialBlether · 27/12/2012 17:06

Usualsuspect, it's clearly more than just an issue about the locket, don't you think?

whois · 27/12/2012 17:08

It's not just about the locket. There is something more

^ Yeah it's not normal to go total bat shit over a bloody Christmas present!

TheNebulousBoojum · 27/12/2012 17:14

What a good job that you weren't a 7 year old given an iPod nano instead of a touch. Then you would have been told to be grateful and not to be such a sulky little madam.
But being an adult, you are entitled to be grumpy about not getting a present you like? Rather than being polite and pretending that it was lovely.
It surely has to be about more than you being grumpy over a present for him to walk out, your relationship sounds in a lot of trouble for that to be a trigger.

RooneyMara · 27/12/2012 17:25

I wouldn't consider that a very valid comparison Nebulous tbh.

TheNebulousBoojum · 27/12/2012 17:28

Why not?
She was given a present that cost a lot of money that he'd chosen for her and she didn't like much, and showed her disappointment.
His feelings were hurt and he flounced off.