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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Smoking and lying

66 replies

Boutdesouffle · 27/12/2012 01:40

DH gave up smoking almost 12 years ago, when our third child was born (after much persuasion!) I have always been vehemently anti smoking. He has after all this time started smoking again, I really can't abide it. He smells and lies constantly. I want him to move out, he thinks this is an over-reaction, but
I really cannot live with a smoker, especially as he lies about it constantly (previous trust issues - to avoid drip feeding!) Is it OTT to throw him out over this?

OP posts:
Cheesemonkey · 27/12/2012 01:43

Yes!

chrismissymoomoomee · 27/12/2012 01:45

You had 3 kids with him before he gave up, it didn't bother you enough to not have children with him then so why is it such a big issue now? I suspect this may be about the previous trust issues rather than the smoking though.

BunFagFreddie · 27/12/2012 01:47

It is, sorry. Lying about having a sneaky fag is totally normal behaviour for any relapsed smoker been there and done that. He's probably feeling rather ashamed of caving in and knows you how against it you are. OTOH, he is chemically addicted to nicotine.

Poor chap's caught between a rock and a hard place!

Ferngirl · 27/12/2012 01:48

Yes

Original poster
Boutdesouffle · 27/12/2012 01:51

12 years people!!! Wink yes it is probably more to do with the previous trust issues, I just hate all this furtive behaviour, maybe I am just looking for excuses to throw his stinky arse out ... I really really do hate it though.

OP posts:
FestiveElement · 27/12/2012 01:53

If you are in a place where you are looking for excuses to throw him out of his own home, then it's understandable that he's in a place where he wants to smoke.

Original poster
Boutdesouffle · 27/12/2012 01:55

I don't imagine someone that selfish would even realise I would throw him out though. His smoking is his own stupid choice

OP posts:
jessjessjess · 27/12/2012 01:59

Okay, you win the moral high ground. But (as a relapsed smoker myself) I suggest you get him to go to his GP for some help.

Petsinmypudenda · 27/12/2012 02:01

Dud he smoke when you met him?

LuluMai · 27/12/2012 02:01

I do wonder, if he smoked when you started a relationship with him, why you did actually begin a relationship with him if you hate smoking so much?

Original poster
Boutdesouffle · 27/12/2012 02:05

Jess, but of course Wink am genuinely interested in GP though, are there better options than 12 years ago? Yes pets he did, and he gave up 12 YEARS AGO.... Sorry to keep labouring that point, but I am so horrified that he could start again after how hard it was to give up (and yes, I did support him then)

OP posts:
Original poster
Boutdesouffle · 27/12/2012 02:08

I am anti-smoking because of supporting him to give up last time, I saw how addictive it was and how absolutely horrible, I am just so disappointed that he could start again after all we went through giving up before Sad

OP posts:
FestiveElement · 27/12/2012 02:09

Even if he doesn't realise that you would throw him out, I'm guessing he still managed to notice his marriage is under some strain.

Yes, smoking is a choice, but it can be very hard to resist, especially if there are stresses gong on and you don't feel you have the emotional strength to keep resisting.

If you have other trust issues, you might be better of focussing on those, the problems you have, rather than the symptoms like smoking.

LuluMai · 27/12/2012 02:12

I think once you've been a smoker from a young age for a number of years, it becomes so ingrained into your psyche that no matter how many years you've given up for, that potential to smoke is always lurking in your brain. This isn't true for everyone but it is true for many people and unless you've been a smoker I don't think you can really understand. I'm not excusing him, but I've heard of people starting again after longer periods than 12 years (and it is possible he had the odd fag during that time that you were not aware of).

Original poster
Boutdesouffle · 27/12/2012 02:13

As a non-smoker I guess I have never had to deal with the temptation. I am genuinely shocked that it could rear its ugly head after so long though. I would love him to focus on the real issue, I think smoking can also be a great escape from the 'here and now' Sad

OP posts:
LoopsInHoops · 27/12/2012 02:13

You need to be supportive not reactionary.

Original poster
Boutdesouffle · 27/12/2012 02:15

Lulu, yes I think he did, and I think he genuinely thought he was no longer 'addicted' I must admit I hate him for being so weak... sounds horrible I know, but I can't help it

OP posts:
Original poster
Boutdesouffle · 27/12/2012 02:16

Loops, I do agree to some extent, but I can't. I was sooooo supportive first time around so why the fuck has he bloody started again. I don't have it in me again, it was bloody horrible

OP posts:
trapclap · 27/12/2012 02:19

Is it cigarettes or weed he is smoking? (you talk about it being an escape from the here and now)

Original poster
Boutdesouffle · 27/12/2012 02:21

Cigarettes, he uses it as an excuse to go outside, so he can't possibly deal with the kids, talk to his wife, deal with real life, etc

OP posts:
jessjessjess · 27/12/2012 02:25

Remember that bit in Friends where chandler says "it's not a cigarette, it's the thing that's been missing from your hand?" Well, that.

Do consider the GP as smoking cessation support is superb these days.

Nicotine is a) hugely addictive and b) a very strong anti depressant, as it activates the same receptors in the brain. It's worth considering what kind of smoker he is - I am what I would call a Linus-blanket-smoker, ie I have given up several times but tend to relapse in times of stress or depression and use smoking as an emotional crutch.

Original poster
Boutdesouffle · 27/12/2012 02:30

Thank you Jess, I know it goes deeper than just doing it to annoy me, I will suggest he goes to GP, I am just so fucking furious with him though, yes you do talk sense, but I am grumpy!!

OP posts:
FestiveElement · 27/12/2012 02:30

That's how I started smoking again, because I wanted the five minutes outside. I was very unhappy at the time.

It is hard to understand if you have never been a smoker, but he isn't being weak. He has actually been very strong for 12 years. When you have been addicted to something the feeling of wanting it doesn't just disappear, you have to keep on fighting the urge. I have never managed it for more than a few months when I haven't been pregnant or bfing, it's really really difficult, especially if life is being difficult.

Do you have anything you use to escape reality sometimes? Too much MN, chocolate, cooking, whatever. Different people have different crutches and distractions from life, smoking just happens to be a particularly horrible one!w

Original poster
Boutdesouffle · 27/12/2012 02:38

Yes, I guess he has been strong for 12 years, and of course I have my guilty little escapes. I have NEVER lied about them though

OP posts:
jessjessjess · 27/12/2012 02:41

Hope he agrees to GP and gets help to quit. Good luck