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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Smoking and lying

66 replies

Boutdesouffle · 27/12/2012 01:40

DH gave up smoking almost 12 years ago, when our third child was born (after much persuasion!) I have always been vehemently anti smoking. He has after all this time started smoking again, I really can't abide it. He smells and lies constantly. I want him to move out, he thinks this is an over-reaction, but
I really cannot live with a smoker, especially as he lies about it constantly (previous trust issues - to avoid drip feeding!) Is it OTT to throw him out over this?

OP posts:

jessjessjess · 27/12/2012 02:47

Also in all seriousness didn't mean to talk down to you - just I am another relapsed smoker and know it is a fool's game to equate smoking with not caring or similar because you do care, you do want to stay off the fags... but the devil on your shoulder wants a cigarette a bit too much.

And then you end up in a vicious circle where you failed so you may as well continue to fail and have just one more...

I wish I had stayed in the camp of finding it repulsive and never ever had my first cigarette. You never truly quit, it's like being an alcoholic.

Original poster

Boutdesouffle · 27/12/2012 02:56

It probably would be helpful to him if I could view it that way, I just find it so bloody difficult, I have managed to pick myself up without these crutches and cannot understand how he can't do the same, which I know isn't helpful, I just hate his lying, it is so disrespectful and also (dare I say it) weak

OP posts:

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 27/12/2012 03:03

Yabvu.

I don't get how you would throw him out and yet you had 3 kids with him while he smoked.

With your judgements of being 'weak' I am not surprised he is lying, tbh. He probably feels shit for relapsing and then has you banging on and looking all disappointed in him.

If you think ita worth losing your relationship over, kick him out. But remember that when you threaten something you have to be prepared for it to back fire.

He may decide that he would rather go.

Original poster

Boutdesouffle · 27/12/2012 03:10

I don't even know if it is fully the smoking, more the lying and the weakness, as previously mentioned there is history and whilst I fully accept that it may look like a crazy knee-jerk reaction, I think it is more the straw that broke the camels back. But it is still a huge fucking straw; smoking is disgusting.

OP posts:

ComposHat · 27/12/2012 03:21

I can only reiterate what others have said. You may have had a point if he had been a lifelong non-smoker and then suddenly started smoking 80 a day.

However, you started a relationship with him and he was a smoker, you had three kids with him whilst he was a smoker. If you really find/found it so disgusting, why/how did you tolerate it for so long? No wonder he is reduced to lying in the face of such contradictory and high-handed behaviour.

My OH is also vehemently anti smoking, but can't bring herself to be kissed on the cheek by a smoker, let alone have kids and set up home with one. I think she is a bit OTT in her anti-smoking trip, but at least she is consistent.

If there are other problems in your marriage which you hint at in your last post, start addressing them, but don't let this be the focus for all that anger and frustration.

Original poster

Boutdesouffle · 27/12/2012 03:26

He gave up! I didn't live with a smoker 'for so long'. I didn't just hint at problems in my last post, but also in my opening post! I openly admit that this may not seem rational, but I fucking hate it so much, I hate that I supported him in giving up (probably as hard for me as him) I just think it is pathetic and weak to start again!

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 27/12/2012 03:52

YABVU

LoopsInHoops · 27/12/2012 04:01

Champix. I'm getting some today.

Original poster

Boutdesouffle · 27/12/2012 04:08

I will suggest champix, but he is very passive and also in denial! Good luck to you loops!

OP posts:

Fairylea · 27/12/2012 04:19

Well my ex dh didexactly this. And it was part of us separating. But just a part. Everything was going wrong and that was the icing on the cake for me... is that how it is for you?

Like you he quit and then started again, lying and saying he wasn't. I absolutely cannot bear smoking. Hate it. He would smoke in the bathroom with the window open and had the naivety to think I wouldn't be able to smell it. I could never kiss him because he stank of smoke.

He went to get champix ... which my chain smoking mum used successfully .. but took them for a week and then basically couldn't be bothered.

So I don't think yabu actually. I think if you feel that strongly about it it's hard for you to let it go and the denial and lying makes you feel so so angry I know. The fact they give up and then start again makes it more difficult because you feel so disappointed.

My now dh has never ever smoked just like me. I learnt my lesson and could never be with a smoker or ex smoker after that.

Original poster

Boutdesouffle · 27/12/2012 04:28

Fairylea, yes, it is just the final straw. I think many people on this thread have concentrated on the smoking, which is to me completely unacceptable. But the biggest problem we are facing is that he is lying. I also hate those feelings of disappointment you describe, I stuck by him being such a twat when he was giving up because I wanted to support him, I can't go through that shit again. I am so glad someone understands.

OP posts:

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow · 27/12/2012 04:40

you don't sound like you love,respect or even like him! think you need to be honest with yourself and him with why you would find it so easy to throw him out.
with the lying, has he hurt you with bigger lies? seems like a big reaction to the smoking

Original poster

Boutdesouffle · 27/12/2012 04:45

Yes. Much bigger lies, but, of course, he swore he would never lie to me again. So those little lies about smoking aren't actually so little are they? (not drip feeding, I did mention it before) I love him, but cannot respect him, sadly

OP posts:

AlienRefucksLooksLikeSnow · 27/12/2012 05:03

maybe you would both benefit from going to relate? like it or not he won't be able to quit without your support, how do you feel about that? (apart from pissed off!)

Original poster

Boutdesouffle · 27/12/2012 05:16

Yes, we definately would, I have asked (begged...?) but he is happier just remaining in denial. I really don't think I can give him any support to give up because it was so hard before. I said I have always been very anti-smoking, but I think that actually it was probably the experience I had with him that pushed me into being so intolerant. Thanks for all the responses.

OP posts:

Morloth · 27/12/2012 06:29

Well, I couldn't be married to a smoker, the stench would just about drive me nuts.

So IMO YANBU.

If DH suddenly lost his mind and started smoking we would have to split. It is a dealbreaker for me.

EmmaBemma · 27/12/2012 06:42

The fact that he's taking it up again after having given up 12 years ago should show you how tenacious an addiction smoking is. My mum recently started smoking again after a similar length of time fag-free. I honestly understand your disappointment and frustration but you are also being rather callous I'm afraid - and definitely unreasonable to throw him out, FFS.

EmmaBemma · 27/12/2012 06:43

I can also understand why he lied to you at first - partly, the lies and self-deception are part of addiction, but also you sound like you don't really even like him very much and I bet you would have hit the roof even if he'd been honest from the beginning.

AuntLucyInTheNorthPole · 27/12/2012 06:47

I am also going against the trend here with an YANBU. My DH did this after the birth of our second child (although he was winding up to it for the entire pregnancy with a bit of 'social smoking'). I absolutely hated it. The lying, the deceit, the foul smell. I could hardly look at him whenever he came in reeking. Decimated our sex life - I found him physically repugnant whenever he smelt of smoke.

One of the things that I hated was that he had actively chosen to restart a lethal addiction which if unchecked would almost inevitably take 10+ years off our lives together. Several of my family members died of smoking related conditions

And yes, he smoked when I met him. Still felt like a horrible betrayal when he restarted after 4 years 'clean'.l, knowing how I hated it. He has stopped again now, thank Christ.

EmmaBemma · 27/12/2012 07:18

"he had actively chosen to restart a lethal addiction"

Have you ever bothered to find anything out about how addiction works? Your husband didn't make a free choice to start smoking again like you choose to have toast instead of cereal for breakfast. When you've been a smoker you're always battling the impulse on some level - every cigarette you don't smoke is an active choice, not the other way around.

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 27/12/2012 07:26

OP why did you have kids with a smoker?

you are still being unreasonable in my opinion. You had kids with an addict. He was a addict when you met him. he was an addict when you had 3 kids with him. With an addict there is always chance of relapse.

Lying is awful. But I can actually sympathise. You keep talking about the effect on you and how it was probably worse for you. It wasn't. It was worse for him, trust me.
you seem to have such contempt for him. He is annoyed, disappointed and upset with himself and then sees the contempt you have for him. He is in denying it because he doesn't want to face it. Its addict behaviour.

If you can't cope with it, then split. But next you pick a partner pick more carefully. Sounds like you want someone near on perfect. Every body has moments where they are 'weak'. Its those times that your partner should be there to help.

It doesn't sound like you are interested in doing that. So maybe it is best you split. You both deserve and actual partner.

polkadotsrock · 27/12/2012 07:36

You need to 'throw him out' but not because he smokes or lies but because you don't have much of a relationship left. Clearly I don't know you so could never apportion 'blame' but all signs are pointing to unhappiness in both camps and that's just not a healthy environment for anyone (no pun intended). If he is refusing counselling I don't see what else you can do. Perhaps it might shock him into action and he may seek some help, but even if he did I'm not sure you could change your opinions on him and regain some of the respect that you have, rightly or wrongly, lost. I'm very sad for you OP, this is not a nice situation to be in when there are three children involved.

wallypops · 27/12/2012 08:03

Sorry - but while I think YABU I completely understand, and I would feel the same. When I started going out with my XH he smoked, as did I. But he still does and I don't any more. I avoid going to peoples houses where there will be smokers, and if I can't, I remove all my clothes in another room and wash my hair when I get home as I cannot sleep with that stinking smell in my room. So I do completely understand. I could not be with another smoker and the bad breath just completely blows me away. My kids feel the same and stip their clothes off the second they get back from their dads, and wash their hair and teddies too. I promise I do not get them to do it - it comes from them.

Really sorry to all those smokers out there. And I did restart after both my pregnancies once I had stopped breast feeding. Then I had pneumonia, and since then I really can't bear it.

If I was recruiting, I would always choose the non-smoker over the smoker. I suspect that's not legal, but I really do feel that strongly about it.

As for the rest, how can you work on your marriage and the other issues if you cannot bear to be in the same space as your husband. What are his reasons for starting again? The lying is presumably to stop you "getting at" him, but is there any chance you could go for joint counselling? I think I would find it difficult to find a way through this with help.

Good luck with it all.

tiggytape · 27/12/2012 10:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Alisvolatpropiis · 27/12/2012 13:41

I can understand you being upset. I really can. I think kicking him out is VU unless this is your version of the toothpaste argument?

I've been smoking since I was 14. I'm 24 now. It's going to be an absolute bastard to quit. I know people who have quit smoking and they refer to themselves as recovering smokers not ex smokers,in the same way alcoholics say recovering alcoholic. None of the ones I know who have quit smoking can "just have one". It is wildly addictive.

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