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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Smoking and lying

66 replies

Boutdesouffle · 27/12/2012 01:40

DH gave up smoking almost 12 years ago, when our third child was born (after much persuasion!) I have always been vehemently anti smoking. He has after all this time started smoking again, I really can't abide it. He smells and lies constantly. I want him to move out, he thinks this is an over-reaction, but
I really cannot live with a smoker, especially as he lies about it constantly (previous trust issues - to avoid drip feeding!) Is it OTT to throw him out over this?

OP posts:

BunFagFreddie · 27/12/2012 13:47

All it takes is the one cigarrette to start you smoking again. The trouble is, when you haven't smoked for ages, you forget how addictive it is. You honestly believe you're cured and you really can just have the one. It isn't true, and this is how many people relapse.

WorraLorraTurkey · 27/12/2012 13:48

"Throw him out"??

Like a piece of rubbish?

Thankfully there are laws that protect Husbands and Wives being 'thrown out' of their own homes because one person throws a hissy fit.

Try to help him if he wants to be helped and supported.

If he doesn't and you can't stand him smoking, you can leave your home.

KellyEllyChristmasBelly · 27/12/2012 14:47

You sound very controlling. He's an adult. If you were having one to many or eating too much would you accept this my way or the high way behaviour from him? You are not his parent you are his partner.

KellyEllyChristmasBelly · 27/12/2012 14:50

WorraLorraTurkey Happy Christmas :) Hope you had a good one x

PandorasSocks · 27/12/2012 15:20

To be honest (and I did think about not being) I don't blame him for going back to smoking, wanting 5 minutes peace outside etc. You sound incredibly unreasonable, controlling and reactionary. At the risk of pissing you off more, have you examined your own behaviour within your relationship?

I'm genuinely not having a personal go at you, but I think a little self-reflection might not do any harm here before you discard your DH.

WorraLorraTurkey · 27/12/2012 15:24

You too KellyElly and Happy New Year!

DrRanj · 27/12/2012 15:26

When I met my exp I was a smoker. After much pressure from him, I gave up. I relapsed a couple of times. He was so fucking judgey about it each time and made me feel thoroughly ashamed. He is now an ex, through MY choice because he was a controlling twat. Current dp couldn't give a fuck if I smoked all not, and ironically I have remained a non-smoker for our entire relationship. Putting pressure on him will not work, when he is ready to give up he will.

BunFagFreddie · 27/12/2012 15:28

Shaming smokers into quitting isn't the way to go.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 27/12/2012 15:33

Are you my sister OP?! She threatened to chuck her husband out earlier this year because she caught him smoking again. I've talked her out of it (for now) because quite frankly, while I'm not his biggest fan he doesn't deserve the boot for falling off the wagon and having a few fags.

I'll tell you what I told my sister.

You are being massively unreasonable. He smoked when you first met him (sounds like) and despite you hating cigarettes you still shacked up with him and had his kids. The more you nag and whinge at him the more "legit" reasons he has for smoking as he will point out that you are "stressing him out so much he NEEDS to smoke".

I understand you not liking it btw. My DP smokes like a chimney and I do wish he'd give up. But it's not my decision to make, it's his. I have insisted though that as smoking is expensive he isn't to buy cigarettes anymore but smoke rollies as these are cheaper, thus affecting the family budget much less.

Befevered · 27/12/2012 17:37

He's going to be pissed off with himself more than you'll ever be. I know many people who fell off the wagon and not one of them was proud of their decision. In fact if you find me a smoker who doesn't find what they do completely disgusting let me know. FTR I speak as a smoker of 15 years and someone who quit for 3 years and started again.

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 27/12/2012 17:50

YABU. You are neither his boss nor his owner. It's OK to insist that he smokes outside the house, and it would not be unreasonable to ask him to (for example) keep a jacket in the shed to wear while he smokes, and to wash his hands and use a mouthwash after he's had a cigarette, but smoking is not illegal. But it's not up to you to order him to stop smoking; his body, his choice.

BTW as with any addiction: no one can force an addict to quit. You could decide to end your marriage over his smoking - everyone has the right to end a relationship they no longer want to remain in - but you couldn't force him out of the house for smoking without a lengthy court battle.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/12/2012 19:04

I don't think you get to "throw him out", OP. You can end your marriage though if it's really that awful. You're not the boss and you both have children together. Oh and you certainly did not 'go through it' the same as he did when he was giving up smoking. Grow up.

cumfy · 27/12/2012 19:05

How did a vehement anti-smoker marry a smoker ?

SugarMouse1 · 27/12/2012 19:29

YABVU.

So will you throw your children out if they smoke when they get older?

BTW, he is an adult and you can't dictate to him what he can and can't do. You sound really controlling and even abusive. Don't you think that you have some habits that he doesn't like or that annoy him? Presumably you are perfect.

He's probably just to scared to tell you, lol!

KellyEllyChristmasBelly · 27/12/2012 22:44

Have you buggered off OP?

Damash12 · 27/12/2012 22:57

I think you could have simply titled this thread " I want to leave husband" I think that is the bottom line, smoking or not. However, I see your point... He must know how much you hate it and the problems it would cause... There is a case if respect for you in here. I am an ex smoker and many many time could reach for a cig but I know how difficult it was and how much I wanted to stop so not worth putting myself through it again. We all make choices.

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