Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I need to locate a grip? MIL ISSUES

62 replies

Heelsicantwalkin · 26/12/2012 15:54

DS is 8 months and always been on the small side (5th centile). He had weight gain issues for the first few weeks relating to BF issues, but following this line for past 7months, neither DH nor I are big so I know it's just his size and not in the least concerned.

He eats well, feeds himself brilliantly and we have lots of stews, fish, pasta, yoghurts etc. Not averse to the odd sweet treat once or twice a week. However, MIL is obsessed with the idea that I need to fatten him up. She won't stop telling me how I should be giving him more biscuits and chocolate as it didn't do hers any harm (that's true, they're all healthy enough) and squash in his beaker with every meal. I've politely explained that I really just want him to have water for now and only occasional treats, but she won't shut up! She's now implying that I have 'issues' about food (I don't, am pretty relaxed actually, but my diet has never been great or terribly varied and just want DS to develop better habits)

I'm angry as just heard she took DH aside on Christmas Day and told him to encourage me to add more treats to DS diet as she has concerns about his weight. Like I am starving the boy. Jesus Christ!!

Just so I'm not drip feeding, I will add that MIL has form on feeding related issues - I had to stop BF early on and she was horrified and made me feel terrible, didn't stop banging on about how awful formula was and the terrible effects it would have on DS!! (Bizarre given how BF was affecting his weight gain, which she is now so obsessed with!) I felt useless and guilty enough as it was and her interfering had me in floods of tears on an almost daily basis.

I'm sitting here in tears again. Just feel so undermined and bullied. DH says am overreacting and just ignore. Am I?

OP posts:
CailinDana · 26/12/2012 15:57

No you are not overreacting and your DH needs to stop being such a twat and stand up for you. Being harrangued constantly about something to do with your children is very very wearing and your MIL needs to be told to wind her neck in, fast.

You are totally right about feeding your DS decent food and restricting treats, especially at his very young age.

Does your DH have form for dismissing your feelings?

slatternlymother · 26/12/2012 15:59

YANBU.

I don't know what to suggest, but you definitely don't need to get a grip. Your DH sounds like he really understands how this is affecting you.

MsElleTow · 26/12/2012 15:59

YANBU to be upset at all, and she should stop going on at you! Your DH should have told her to mind her own business IMO! You know your DS is eating well, you don't have to give him loads of crap if you don't want to.

Ignore her, you sound like you are doing great.

ZebraInHiding · 26/12/2012 16:01

Yanbu. Ignore her.

Tortington · 26/12/2012 16:02

tell her to shut her fucking mouth or do one.

You have the power here - you have her son - you have her grandson

just tell her to shut the fuck up its non of her business - once you stand up for yourself - she will back the fuck off

NothingIsAsBadAsItSeems · 26/12/2012 16:04

I think you're being a bit precious in regards to only letting your DS have water. Juice (Not fruit shoots) is fine. My DS loves orange juice and ribena my mum used to sneak him some until I caught her and told her it was fine and that we'd been giving him it for ages...

NothingIsAsBadAsItSeems · 26/12/2012 16:06

YANBU about the treats though

Original poster
Heelsicantwalkin · 26/12/2012 16:07

NothingIs- he has had fruit juice (the Heinz ones) at my mums as she buys it, and I wouldn't give a toss if MIL gave her a beaker of Ribena or whatever at hers - not precious or controlling at all. But for the majority of meals at home, I think getting used to drinking water is a good habit to get into so we are encouraging it.

OP posts:
Yama · 26/12/2012 16:08

YANBU

Do not allow her to bully you. You are right about this issue. Speak up. Treats and squash for an 8 month old. No chance.

maddening · 26/12/2012 16:11

Yanbu - he is 8mths old - your dh needs to have a v firm word.

Original poster
Heelsicantwalkin · 26/12/2012 16:12

Cailin - yes where MIL is concerned, he does. He is wonderful but didn't stand up to her about the BF issue and I became quite depressed. He's wonderful in all other aspects, but not this

OP posts:
soupmaker · 26/12/2012 16:12

Hi Heels. You are not overreacting. Whilst you might want to tell your MIL to fuck off, that's not really going to help I suspect. You are quite right to feed and water your child as you and your DH see fit. Ignore your MIL and her nonsense, hard as it is to do so. You sound like you are doing a fantastic job on the food front, its a real joy to have DC who eat well, so rejoice that you don't have a fussy eater for now! Tell MIL that you have seen your HV and there are no concerns about your DS's weight and that indeed you were complimented on his diet. Hopefully that will shut her up. I didn't let my DD eat lots of chocolate and biscuits at 8 months, either, although now at nearly 5, she eats plenty!

OxfordBags · 26/12/2012 16:14

YANBU. You sound very sensible and relaxed about food, SHE sounds like she is the one with issues around food. In fact, next time she starts this bullshit, politely point out to her "You say that I have problems around food, but I am perfectly relaxed and confident about the diet my child has, whereas youare incessently fussing and worrying. If anyone has an issue about his food, it's not me... ".

Actually, guidelines recommend that children don't have even watered down juice until they are aged one, and ribena, squashes, etc., are really bad for adults and children; full of sweeteners and other nasties.

soupmaker · 26/12/2012 16:15

Can you talk to your DH about how your MIL is making you feel and explain that you need him to support you?

CailinDana · 26/12/2012 16:15

Then I think you need to have a serious chat with him and really hammer home how important this is because as time goes on this sort of thing is likely to get worse. He needs to back you up at the very least but ideally he should be having a word with her and telling her to back off.

wallypops · 26/12/2012 16:16

YANBU My child minder told me I was precious and ridiculous to say no sugar for at least a year. However, as I provided all the food I got my own way. Do what you want but I would say to your DH either he puts his mum back in her box or you do it - and then you'll both have to deal with the consequences.

CailinDana · 26/12/2012 16:17

It wouldn't be any harm to strongly hint to MIL too that if she doesn't stop commenting on food/drinks that you might have to cut down the time she spends with DS. That usually works IME.

BTW I agree with others that I wouldn't give Ribena to anyone - that stuff is disgusting.

BettySuarez · 26/12/2012 16:18

nothingis the juice issue is hardly the point Angry

The point is that the OP has a MIL who is constantly undermining her (as you have just done yourself)

WildRumpus · 26/12/2012 16:18

YANBU - my oldest didn't taste squash until she was nearly 2.5 and is still only allowed chocolate on special occasions (aged 5) It's not good for them - far better to fill up on nutritious food than empty calories. My baby is only a month or so younger than yours and still only eating fruit, veg, rice and yoghurt but mainly milk.

mrslaughan · 26/12/2012 16:26

YANBU - she needs to butt out, she's given her opinion, and it is not one you are chosing to follow - BTW I am completely with you - he is only 8months - no way mine were allowed squash or chocolate at that age - it is utterly horrifying she would suggest it.

I would politely suggest to your dh, that he tells her, that you are both aware of her opinion, she has made it quite clear, she is welcome to express her opinion once, but that going on about it, is going to cause problems. If he is not prepared to do this, you will have to draw "a line in the sand", and she may not take it so well from you!

I am sorry - but she sounds like an interfering bully.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 26/12/2012 16:36

YANBU and it's easy for your DH to tell you to "ignore it"- it doesn't sound like he is the one being made to feel shit. Maybe a relative of yours should be summoned to give him a hard time about his parenting, see if it's easy to ignore then? Xmas Hmm

Your MIL is a moron if she thinks sweets, chocolates and juice is the way to "fatten the baby up". Unless a HCP has told you there is concerns about your DS's weight go on doing what you're doing. I was told to try to bulk up my DS earlier this year. A healthy balanced diet was strongly reccomended as well as adding full fat milk, cheese and yogurt to meals. The HV even made sure I was aware that trying to fatten the baby up with sweets, chocolate etc was a very bad idea, not that I would have done this anyway!

Original poster
Heelsicantwalkin · 26/12/2012 16:40

Thank you all. I wonder if a lot of it is her own insecurity coming through - I really feel that the people who insist the most that you raise your children just like they do/did just want to reassure themselves that they are doing/did it right. If I try to see things like this I do feel slightly more charitable towards her but it still grates.

OP posts:
ipswichwitch · 26/12/2012 16:45

I've had similar issues with interfering ILs and DSs diet. First it was bf (too often, too long, needs formula top ups etc), then food (wean early, use jars of food, give juice etc). DS is 14 months and just under 0.4 centile. He was prem, only 4lb 5 at birth, and we are all fairly little so don't expect him to be a particularly large child anyway.

Luckily DH is supportive and regularly tells them to back off, but it gets very wearing. I'm at the point of nodding and ignoring as its easier and frankly I get on with doing whatever we feel is right anyway.

Your DH needs to be on board with this and you are not overreacting. This is your DS, and ILs need to respect your decisions and not ride roughshod over your feelings. It's hard enough being a parent without others criticising you an making you feel worthless

DesperatelySeekingSedatives · 26/12/2012 16:47

"I really feel that the people who insist the most that you raise your children just like they do/did just want to reassure themselves that they are doing/did it right."

^ yep that makes sense. My mum's forever banging on about "well such and such never did you and your sister any harm!" Yeah doesn't mean its ok though!

captainmummy · 26/12/2012 16:49

I had the same, OP with my ds1 (he's now 20!) - my own mother told me that I was depriving him, by not allowing chocolate until he was 1 - at his birthday party. (because 'he will know'!)

But this is the mother who thought a hankie tied in a twist with sugar inside was a suitable dummy.

Ridiculous. Your baby. Your rules.

Swipe left for the next trending thread