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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I need to locate a grip? MIL ISSUES

62 replies

Heelsicantwalkin · 26/12/2012 15:54

DS is 8 months and always been on the small side (5th centile). He had weight gain issues for the first few weeks relating to BF issues, but following this line for past 7months, neither DH nor I are big so I know it's just his size and not in the least concerned.

He eats well, feeds himself brilliantly and we have lots of stews, fish, pasta, yoghurts etc. Not averse to the odd sweet treat once or twice a week. However, MIL is obsessed with the idea that I need to fatten him up. She won't stop telling me how I should be giving him more biscuits and chocolate as it didn't do hers any harm (that's true, they're all healthy enough) and squash in his beaker with every meal. I've politely explained that I really just want him to have water for now and only occasional treats, but she won't shut up! She's now implying that I have 'issues' about food (I don't, am pretty relaxed actually, but my diet has never been great or terribly varied and just want DS to develop better habits)

I'm angry as just heard she took DH aside on Christmas Day and told him to encourage me to add more treats to DS diet as she has concerns about his weight. Like I am starving the boy. Jesus Christ!!

Just so I'm not drip feeding, I will add that MIL has form on feeding related issues - I had to stop BF early on and she was horrified and made me feel terrible, didn't stop banging on about how awful formula was and the terrible effects it would have on DS!! (Bizarre given how BF was affecting his weight gain, which she is now so obsessed with!) I felt useless and guilty enough as it was and her interfering had me in floods of tears on an almost daily basis.

I'm sitting here in tears again. Just feel so undermined and bullied. DH says am overreacting and just ignore. Am I?

OP posts:

Tee2072 · 26/12/2012 16:51

Either nod and smile or ignore or speak up and tell her to back off.

I personally like the speaking up option.

MrsFlibble · 26/12/2012 16:54

YANBU, i assume the health visitors have said hes healthy. tell your DH to support you, because it makes you feel like a bad mother, of which your not.

My DD is 5 and shes tall and slim, shes not a big eater, and she'll only eat what she needs too, shes healthy so i dont push her to eat.

Talk to your hubby about this and stand firm.

Inertia · 26/12/2012 16:56

You don't need a grip , your MIL is being VVU.

An 8mo doesn't need squash at all. Dilute fruit juice would be a bit better, but the best option is water or milk to drink plus fresh fruit and veg to eat. You need to protect teeth as well as consider weight.

We were always advised that the best way to maintain sensible weight gain for a baby is to ensure they eat a balanced range of food, using full fat dairy products - just as you are doing. Fats from things like avocado and fish are much better than biscuits .Presumably you also give him the appropriate amount of a suitable type of formula for his age, as he'll still get most calories from milk.

Your DH needs to start standing up to her. And you can too - it's ok to tell her that health advice is different these days.

IneedAsockamnesty · 26/12/2012 17:03

Yanbu.

All my kids have the same type of diet that your trying to do, they will actively pick water or milk over sugar laden drinks and decent food over crap, I have kids ranging from 9 months to 20 years and not one has any unhealthy eating habits.

I have someone in my life who obsesses feeding kids sweets and crap would offer coke to drink as anything else is "rubbish tasting". Their children who are now 30 and 26 have shocking eating habits and health issues they refuse everything apart from McDonalds or roasts with no veg at all and covered in ketchup,chocolate yogurts, coco pops and tea with 5 sugars in ( the younger one only has 4 sugars). They also are vile pandered to entitled lazy people.

The mother is often heard saying "my kids had xyz it never did them any harm" last time she said it to me I kinda exploded and yelled " yes it fucking did you stupid bitch,your youngest child can't control his bowel and has no fucking teeth left"

Original poster

Heelsicantwalkin · 26/12/2012 20:04

Ok I've explained to DH how upset it made me. He has said
-that I'm being over the top
-that I'm being a bitch getting annoyed with him, as it is not his fault and I should just laugh it off
-that in fact it was me who was rude to his DM (as I dared to say once to her that evening - smiling - 'I'm her mum so I'm afraid we do things my way')
-that I'm not allowed to say anything to his DM about it as it is my problem not hers

OP posts:

Inertia · 26/12/2012 20:11

Your husband's attitude stinks.

Your husband's family are bullying you - he should be putting you and the baby first. Is he scared of his mother ?

How long do you have to put up with this for ?

You are absolutely right to do what's best for your baby rather than what keeps MiL happy. Do you have a sling with you to make it easier to keep your baby close.

CailinDana · 26/12/2012 20:17

Your DH is being a twat.

JollyOldChristmas · 26/12/2012 20:21

DS is 20mo. He has had fruit juice once (yesterday). He usually drinks water or milk.

Your DH is being a twat, but you are feeling a bit more attacked than you should. Please just ignore anything she says about fattening him up in future. Do not take it personally.

Coralanne · 26/12/2012 20:27

An month old doesn't need any treats at all.

You sound as though you are going really well with DS. No wonder us MILs have a bad reputation on MN.

You're DH definitely has to grow some and at least tell his mum that DS is doing very well, that he has regular health checks and everyone is very happy wih his progress.

Alisvolatpropiis · 26/12/2012 20:29

YANBU.

She's being far too interfering. The way you are feeding your DS sounds just fine. I can't see her problem at all!

Coralanne · 26/12/2012 20:29

8 month old

cees · 26/12/2012 20:39

YANBU

Your husband needs to open his eyes and grow a pair.

EthelredOnAGoodDay · 26/12/2012 20:41

We've had similar issues OP, although DD is and always has been really tall and average weight. She didn't have any chocolate til she was one and v limited juice til she was two. She's three now and will, if given a choice, pick v dilute juice over water, but her intake of sweets/choc/junk food is v v limited. This has caused quite a few sneery comments from ILs about her essentially being deprived of treats, but I have just had to stick to my guns, with support from my DH. Conments in our case mainly come from MIL who would let her GCs live on cakes and chocolate, and BIL who lets his two boys eat cake, chocolate,sweets and crisps every day (at 2yrs and 4 years old) and sees no link to the fact that they are bouncing off the ceiling most of the time...
I think you are exactly right in your approach and your DH should stop being such a bloody drip. YADNBU.

PiccadillyCervix · 26/12/2012 20:43

Your MIL with all due respect needs to shut the fuck up. And really your dh should be the one to tell her this. If he won't this onus falls on you. It will sounds better coming from him though.. so maybe let him know he needs to do it soon as coming from you it may cause real issues.

Explain to your MIL how a centile chart works and that some children need to be at the bottom of the chart. And that if all the babies [ut on weight they would just change the chart and then pretty soon the world would be full of massively fat babies trying to keep up. Then tell her to fuck off

Chottie · 26/12/2012 20:44

You sound a loving caring mum who gives her child a very balanced and varied diet. I agree regarding water drinks too. Just carry on and ignore your MiL completely

PiccadillyCervix · 26/12/2012 20:45

Sorry just saw your last post. If your dh calls you a bitch and you put up with it... that's your problem.

MIL thinking your baby isn't fat enough doesn't really compete. Sort it now so in 20 years time you aren't wacthing your little ds call his girlfriend a bitch

naturalbaby · 26/12/2012 20:51

Olympic athletes don't stuff themselves with sugar and over processed foods. Tell your MIL if she wants the best for your DS then he should be eating more natural foods rather than artificial chemicals.

BlackAffronted · 26/12/2012 20:55

YANBU. Im a pretty laid backparent, but no way would I allow an 8 month old to drink squash or ribena

Your DH is dick, he shoudl be behind you 100%!

HollyBerryBush · 26/12/2012 21:30

The baby has two parents - perhaps DH approves of his mothers style of parenting and would like to introduce some of the ideas he grew up with. Just a thought as he is an equal parent.

YellowDinosaur · 26/12/2012 21:34

What piccadillycervix said about the centile chart.

But agree with the poster who says your dh attitude to you is more of a problem...

Inertia · 26/12/2012 21:36

Just realised that I've got my threads mixed up - apologies (hence why the sling is a bit unecessary here). Sorry about the confusion.

Your DH is still way out of order for how he spoke to you though.

Original poster

Heelsicantwalkin · 26/12/2012 21:45

Holly sure yes, he's entitled to his input too but he actually says he agrees with the way I'm feeding her and doesn't suggest anything he would like to do differently. And I'm the one cooking for her so it's natural that I set the agenda.

DH is a great husband and not normally so unkind and spineless, am really baffled and upset by this

MIL is the sort of MIL that has to have an opinion on every minute detail of my son's upbringing - whenever she is here it feels like it is more or less constant. Some days I can brush it off and laugh, but yesterday was DS's first Christmas and DH and I had both made such an effort to make everything lovely for ILs so it's hard when she comes into my house and starts dishing out advice

OP posts:

BettySuarez · 26/12/2012 21:46

I think that your immediate problem here is your DH and his utter lack of respect and regard for you.

Iteotwawki · 26/12/2012 21:46

You do need to locate a grip, but the people you need to give it to are your DH and your mil.

Food for thought for your DH (and you're welcome to show him this post) - I had a difference of opinion with his mother over a parenting issue (discipline rather than food) and she got very upset that I stuck to my rules.

She stood in my kitchen crying and shouting and he calmly said "these are our children and this is the way we are choosing to bring them up. I'm sorry if you don't agree with our ideas but we are their parents and this is our decision." Reiterations along a similar theme throughout, calmly but consistently.

Later on - in private, by ourselves - he said to me that he did think his mother may have had a point to some of the things she had said and could we talk / discuss them. However, he had backed me to the hilt during the discussion as he wanted to make sure we presented a united front to everyone including children at all times.

Your DH might want to think about showing you similar levels of respect and support.

sue52 · 26/12/2012 23:04

I would be more concerned about your DH than your MIL. She is irritating but he sounds like an unsupportive dick. Any chance you can show him the responses to your thread?

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