Do I need to locate a grip? MIL ISSUES

[Heelsicantwalkin]

DS is 8 months and always been on the small side (5th centile). He had weight gain issues for the first few weeks relating to BF issues, but following this line for past 7months, neither DH nor I are big so I know it's just his size and not in the least concerned.

He eats well, feeds himself brilliantly and we have lots of stews, fish, pasta, yoghurts etc. Not averse to the odd sweet treat once or twice a week. However, MIL is obsessed with the idea that I need to fatten him up. She won't stop telling me how I should be giving him more biscuits and chocolate as it didn't do hers any harm (that's true, they're all healthy enough) and squash in his beaker with every meal. I've politely explained that I really just want him to have water for now and only occasional treats, but she won't shut up! She's now implying that I have 'issues' about food (I don't, am pretty relaxed actually, but my diet has never been great or terribly varied and just want DS to develop better habits)

I'm angry as just heard she took DH aside on Christmas Day and told him to encourage me to add more treats to DS diet as she has concerns about his weight. Like I am starving the boy. Jesus Christ!!

Just so I'm not drip feeding, I will add that MIL has form on feeding related issues - I had to stop BF early on and she was horrified and made me feel terrible, didn't stop banging on about how awful formula was and the terrible effects it would have on DS!! (Bizarre given how BF was affecting his weight gain, which she is now so obsessed with!) I felt useless and guilty enough as it was and her interfering had me in floods of tears on an almost daily basis.

I'm sitting here in tears again. Just feel so undermined and bullied. DH says am overreacting and just ignore. Am I?

Avoid seeing MIL for a while and if she asks tell her why.
Why do so many DHs on Mumsnet support their mothers in preference to their wives/partners? I just don't get it.

No, YANBU. Your DH needs to man up and your MIL needs to shut up.

Most of you are telling me IANBU and DH is being unfair, but that's the complete opposite response to what I am getting in RL. My own mother is tonight telling me I am overreacting and I should leave DH alone, that she doesn't mean anything by it and I should just accept it (this could be in part because she agrees with MIL about treats!) she's told me I should be grateful to have such a great DH, as he is getting up early with DS this morning (never mind I was up with him from 4am yesterday) and 'most men wouldn't do that"

I am probably being over sensitive about it, I'm sure some people could just laugh it off and carry on doing what they are doing but I just feel I am trying so hard to be the best mum I can be, and it is just hurtful to be told I am doing it all wrong. DM said I need to lighten up.

Heels No mother likes having her parenting picked at, especially behind her back, so no your not over reacting, if it upsets you, and tbh, it would grate on my nerves, then DH should tell his DM to drop it, or if he wont then you should.

You need to firm up and tell your husband that the constant picking is unfair and if he doesnt stand up for you then he can go join them.

You should be grateful to have a husband who.... parents his own child?!

Tell your DH from me that he should be pulling his mum up over this. You are not overreacting and he should be sticking up for you. If your HV is not concerned, then your MIL shouldn't be interferring.

Your DH, meanwhile, needs to grow up. From your earlier post, here are my answers. Feel freee to show them to your DH:

-that I'm being over the top not at all, as frequently offering unsolicited advice (that isn't even healthy) is rude
-that I'm being a bitch getting annoyed with him, as it is not his fault and I should just laugh it off you are not being a bitch. It is his fault because he should have respected your feelings and pulled his mum up on this before now
-that in fact it was me who was rude to his DM (as I dared to say once to her that evening - smiling - 'I'm her mum so I'm afraid we do things my way') this was not rude, just a reminder that she is not the parent of the child
-that I'm not allowed to say anything to his DM about it as it is my problem not hers it is her problem, and your DH needs to realise that and do something about it. Oh and he should realise that you can say something about it and he'll have to live with the consequences

You sound like you're doing a good job with your DS. His diet sounds great.

The reason you are getting conflicting advice from MN and your mum/MIL is the diffence between the generations. it was considered healthy for babies to be fat bonny in their day; it isn't now.

It was considered ok to give them a few sweet treats then, as there was not such a lot of it (in everything) like there is now.

It was a big deal if the father actually got off his arse to look afer the dc then; it is normal now. (and a good thing too)

Times have changed, your MIL and your DH need to face that.

As the aunt of a 27lb 8 month old, a big baby brings a whole host of other problems; "Why yes, I said I need the 2yr+ size for an 8 month old, what of it?". When the in-laws starts to poke their nose in they're reminded they had their turn to parent, now it's someone else's job.

Thank you all, especially fryone

DH has apologised and promised to have a word.

Just heard she also tried to put gravy on DS's Christmas dinner portion as 'It'll be good for him and his stuff looks really bland'. When DH intervened and told her gravy was too salty, she told him he was talking rubbish

I am the least precious mother ever wrt diets but no way to juice for an 8 month old. They don't need chocolate and baby biscuts very rarely. And salty gravy, no!!

Wrote a post and lost it..

Glad your DH has apologised, and I hope my posts didn't come across too harshly. I dashed it off as DD needed the laptop for a bit.

I think captainmummy made a good point about changes in advice and I think your MIL may be well meaning but needs to consider this.

YABU to get depressed and tearful rather than angry. Find your inner battleaxe (not suggesting you engineer some awful Gotterdaemmerung confrontation, just mentally rend MIL limb from limb then shrug off her barbs)!

I don't see this kind of interfering and undermining behaviour as well-meaning at all, I see it as a control issue. MIL wants stuff done her way, either as validation as you suggested OP, or because she is just like that, or she has genuine concerns/anxietites that are running away with her/whatever.

It is probably continuing because your DH is giving mixed signals. He agrees with you, but is far too accommodating of MIL's digs. Time for someone to tell her firmly, confidently and politely you disagree with her feeding ideas, she should please stop going on about them and take a step back generally.

My mother can do this sometimes-gets an idea about the grandchildren and then bangs on about it forever, but she honestly does mean well and does at least stop nagging you about it when she is asked to.