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Original poster

To be livid at being given charity

55 replies

BoyMeetsWorld · 25/12/2012 18:38

So my DM turns up tonight for Christmas dinner. There's a looooong history between DM & I and she has many Certified issues, which I won't even go into here.

But tonight's latest - she turns up with an absolutely humongous box. Tells me to open it & it's full to brim with v expensive food and drink - from biscuits to pâté, wine to chutneys. Easily £300 worth, minimum.

She then tells me 'Father Such and Such has donated it' to us, because we've been having a bad time lately.

Bit of background...a)I had a miscarriage last week. I am a very private person and wanted nobody to know, not even family. DM only knows because I started MC'ing whilst she was staying over. B)she is currently living with a religious woman she met via the Internet. She left my DSD & has 'found god'. Last time she did this when I was 12, she became a member of a religious cult. (I kid you not).

So Father of this church that I have never met in my life has donated this massive hamper because she told him about my mc. They've all been praying for us (I am not religious & not happy about this). The hamper was meant for the homeless, but came to us because of what she'd told them. DH & I are both relatively high earners & don't need charity.

I hate the fact random people know something so personal & are giving us charity. I'm livid with her....& DH to be honest who agreed its morally wrong but wouldn't send it back as he wanted the things in it Confused

OP posts:
CabbageLeaves · 25/12/2012 18:41

Why not tell her it makes you unhappy/uncomfortable?

jessjessjess · 25/12/2012 18:41

Hmm. I think it's unreasonable to share your personal info but you should just accept it gracefully.

Pantomimedam · 25/12/2012 18:41

no, I'd be furious too. Sorry to hear about your miscarriage, btw.

ImperialBlether · 25/12/2012 18:42

I'd say you have two choices:

a) eat it all and enjoy it in the spirit in which it was intended
b) give it away to a homeless shelter and buy your DH some pate of his own

I know what you mean about it being charity, but surely charity isn't always a bad thing to receive? Do you ever give any money to charity? If so, do you think less of the recipients?

Obviously they would be aware via your mum that you could afford to buy it for yourself, but they thought you were having such a rough time that they wanted to treat you. That was kind, wasn't it?

I know your mum shouldn't have told anyone, but she did and tbh people do do that when something has happened to someone they love.

Witchety · 25/12/2012 18:46

Charities have a lot to give... You are prob doing them a favour taking it from them. Bet they are over run with 'stuff'

I was homeless once... In a hostel with 4 dc. It was a steady stream of items from peole who meant well and wanted to do some good. Really... There was a lot of charity

expatinscotland · 25/12/2012 18:47

Give it away then.

covermyfacefromthesun · 25/12/2012 18:51

I'm really sorry to hear about your MC.

But you sound so incredibly ungrateful. They gave you this hamper because you are going through a bad time, not because they pity you or think you are too poor.

Don't think of it as charity. Think of it as a gesture of goodwill.

LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake · 25/12/2012 18:56

I'd be pleased at the sentiment and the idea that people were thinking of me.

But I'd be embarrassed at the gift when I already had plenty so I'd give it away.

Sirzy · 25/12/2012 19:00

It was done out of kindness.

Your mother may have needed to talk to someone about the fact you miscarried and a vicar for a lot of people is the obvious choice.

MsElleTow · 25/12/2012 19:06

You sound so very, very ungrateful!

Gumby · 25/12/2012 19:08

Take it to a homeless shelter tomorrow

MagicHouse · 25/12/2012 19:12

Actually I would be incomfortable that it had been put together for the homeless, but then given to me. I'd also be suspicious as to whether there were any expectations if you accept it. I would be tempted to accept very graciously, then (maybe in a phonecall) say that while you appreciate the sentiment, you feel too uncomfortable taking something that had been meant for people who are homeless and that you have donated it to charity.
As for people knowing your private business, not nice, but some people deal with things differently and in talking about your MC your mum probably didn't mean any harm.

TheCortanaThatStoleChristmas · 25/12/2012 19:15

OP doesn't sound ungrateful to me, she sounds like someone very grateful for what she has already who would like to see donations like this made to the intended people, the homeless who would really appreciate it. Sounds selfless if anything.

Sorry that you've had a tough time OP, if you don't want to upset your DM I'd pass it on rather than send it back. Homeless shelter, women's refuge, so many good places. Your DH can buy his own chutney, he agrees it's morally wrong and I doubt either of you would enjoy the contents knowing it was originally intended for the less fortunate.

TheAccidentalExhibitionist · 25/12/2012 19:20

I think posters are being harsh on you.
I was terribly upset when family members talked to other people about my miscarriage. They are incredibly private experiences, not to be openly discussed without your permission.
It's misguided of your DM but I can see she and the others in the church meant well. I would have felt patronised in your situation.
I think it's an excellent suggestion from above to donate it to a homeless shelter. That was its original destination, this way it's simply being delivered by you instead of them.
So sorry about your MC, be gentle on yourself.

DeltaUniformDeltaEcho · 25/12/2012 19:21

I don't think it's about being ungrateful - OP do you worry that your mother has been laying it on a bit thick with the church? You sound worried about exactly what they have been told.

I don't blame you for feeling uncomfortable about this. I would give it to charity in your shoes.

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 25/12/2012 19:21

I think it is hard for you to separate out how you feel at others knowing your private issues, and how the people who chose to donate feel about you. It is kindness from strangers, meant to bring a smile to someone who is having a horrible time. It's a gift, and for religious people surely that's what Xmas is about. It's not a sign of contempt, or them being intrusive (they don't know how you feel about privacy, do they?). Charity means love, maybe you need a wee bit of that at the moment (I have been there; it sucks).
Your dm on the other hand, does sound rather strange!

weblette · 25/12/2012 19:26

OP forgive me if I'm wrong but what seems to be upsetting about the whole thing is that she's made a massive issue to the degree where the priest is involved where it's not about her, it's about you.

You are grieving and dealing with your MC as you feel right, she's broadcasting it to all and sundry.

I can see exactly why you're upset and yes I bet there are lots of other people in the parish this would have really helped.

Does she have form for this sort of thing?

ItsIgginningToLookALotLikeXmas · 25/12/2012 19:29

Miscarriages are private but I've never been sure if that is a good thing. I think it makes it harder when your grief is unacknowledged. The family have suffered a loss too - you didn't want to tell your dm but unavoidably she knows, so has her own emotions to deal with. (Nothing to what you're feeling, in case you think I mean that).

lisad123 · 25/12/2012 19:37

Well tomorrow take it to the shelter, I have never seen a expensive hamper for the house less, it's pretty useless to most of them, from what you have said is in there.
I was sent a beautiful hamper one year after an awful year, but still didn't want to think I should need it, because there is always someone worse off.

You have two choices, accept it in the kindness it was given or tell your mil that you don't feel it's appropriate to accept and take it to the nurses at hospital tomorrow.

Original poster
BoyMeetsWorld · 25/12/2012 19:49

Thanks all. I'd certainly not like to think I'm being ungrateful - I in no way hold this against the church - they don't even know me & were doubtless just trying to be kind.

But yes I'm v uncomfortable with what they've been told to make them do this. DM is unfortunately a compulsive liar and attention seeker Hmm . I'm embarrassed & uncomfortable about people I don't even know praying about something so very personal. & I'm uncomfortable having something that was meant for somebody else. I am also worried if there is a 'hidden catch' - she's v v pushy about religion & unfortunately the people she associates with are often similar although in this case they may not be at all.

I did think the contents were v odd for someone homeless. I couldn't give it back on the spot as DS was stood watching on with interest though I did make it v clear I was unhappy about it. I think you're right that best thing is to give sections of it away ASAP.

OP posts:
lisad123 · 25/12/2012 19:53

I would take it to the hospital that took care of you when mc

Sirzy · 25/12/2012 19:54

How do you know it was meant for the homeless?

pigletmania · 25/12/2012 19:59

I would use it in te spirt tat it's intended but would be very annoyed that DM has divulged personal information to strangers. NB mupy mum has done this wen I had my miscarriages. I had te whole if te local Baptist church praying for me. Her friend who I hardly know phones up and offerd me advice on how to prevent a miscarriage in the future Hmm

TheNebulousBoojum · 25/12/2012 20:08

Your mother has behaved very badly, the church community hasn't.
So you need to set some more, clear boundaries with her, and put some distance between you both emotional and physical.
Your DH sounds very insensitive, you should redonate the food to the church through the minister or give it to your local foodbank or shelter. If you don't need it, others do and that's why the congregation donated it in the first place.

Somebodysomewhere · 25/12/2012 20:18

I dont think you are being ungrateful at all. You have been given an expensive gift that you dont need/want that could have gone to someone who really needed it.

Personally i would donate it or most of it anywayWink