To be livid at being given charity

[BoyMeetsWorld]

So my DM turns up tonight for Christmas dinner. There's a looooong history between DM & I and she has many Certified issues, which I won't even go into here.

But tonight's latest - she turns up with an absolutely humongous box. Tells me to open it & it's full to brim with v expensive food and drink - from biscuits to pâté, wine to chutneys. Easily £300 worth, minimum.

She then tells me 'Father Such and Such has donated it' to us, because we've been having a bad time lately.

Bit of background...a)I had a miscarriage last week. I am a very private person and wanted nobody to know, not even family. DM only knows because I started MC'ing whilst she was staying over. B)she is currently living with a religious woman she met via the Internet. She left my DSD & has 'found god'. Last time she did this when I was 12, she became a member of a religious cult. (I kid you not).

So Father of this church that I have never met in my life has donated this massive hamper because she told him about my mc. They've all been praying for us (I am not religious & not happy about this). The hamper was meant for the homeless, but came to us because of what she'd told them. DH & I are both relatively high earners & don't need charity.

I hate the fact random people know something so personal & are giving us charity. I'm livid with her....& DH to be honest who agreed its morally wrong but wouldn't send it back as he wanted the things in it

Is your mother well off? Is there any chance that she bought the hamper but for whatever reasonwas worried you wouldnt accept it from her so made up this story?

It just seems really odd that a church would put together a hamper of food for needy people then decide to give it to people who dont need it.

You sound a little ungrateful.

Accept it thankfully, and donate to a shelter tomorrow.

Do with it what you will.

But please think before donating any alcoholic contents to a homeless shelter - many are "dry" due to the high number of homeless alcoholics (I've volunteered twice, we never accepted gifts of alcohol, no matter how kindly meant).

This does not sound like a hamper you'd get from any Church I know.

I'd agree with donating what you can from it.
And replace used items, as well as alcoholic items.

I am recovering from a miscarriage is understand the need for privacy and how things which would not normally bother you have the potential to cause heartbreak .

I am sure the present came with good intentions, donate it on if you feel uncomfortable .

Someone gave me a hamper when I was signed off work , she did not know about the miscarriage but knew I was ill. I was chuffed and thought my income was irrelevant. But I suppose that is different because she paid for it rather than it being a charity.

Not sure why people are calling you ungrateful, seems to me like you are being suspicious not ungrateful and rightly so.

The story sounds like a complete fabrication. No proper charity would assemble luxury goods for `the homeless' and then pass them on to the relative of a supporter. Either
a) she bought you the stuff
b) she manipulated a priest into giving this stuff to her for you
or
c) the church is some fringe religious organization that has a lot of money to be used manipulating people by presenting them with expensive gifts.

You should explain to her that you are very grateful for her and the `vicars' gesture but that your conscience would not allow you to accept when others are more needy. Ask her to redonate them, and say that if she won't you will drive to a homeless shelter or similar and donate them yourself.

I get where you are coming from - lots of people use other people's misery to gain attention and sympathy for themselves, it's not an unusual trait. So sorry about your MC, can understand why you feel very protective over the information and a need for privacy. YANBU to be annoyed with your Mum but I'm guessing she has history in this area. The whole God thing is tricky, my DM is religious and prays for me all the time even though I'm a passionate atheist! Which is just about fine but I'd hate it if she started sharing my worries with a prayer group - that is a step too far and I'd have to tell her that.

I can't imagine any church I know of donating something like that.

The more I think about it, the items in it don't make sense. Venison, Champagne, best Vodka etc. my first thought when I saw it was why would a church be condoning gifts of vodka???

Also, a month or so ago the 'father' of this church gave her a laptop. For no reason.

It's all rather worrying

WHAT?

At the risk of offending you, I'd think it slightly more plausible that she 'borrowed' the laptop and hamper.

Go to the Father of the Church, and explain that you are high earners so are unworthy recipients of this kindness. Offer to pay for it, or give it back so someone else who needs it gets it.

It'll either have been a genuine gift from the Church, or he'll be alerted to your mother's shenanigans. You could also mention how generous he is giving her a laptop....

Which church is it? I'm feeling all religious, suddenly.

Sorry to hear about your mc.

If your DH would rather keep the hamper, and you feel guilty for keeping it, why don't you donate some items to a charity local to you? It could be food, blankets, clothes, money... Asking the charity what they might like may also be an idea.

Gets weirder. After extensive googling we believe weve tracked said hamper back to a food bank, meant for those considered 'most at need'. One of the main team leaders is this vicar guy. Who it also transpires is recently engaged to 'his soulmate'....who I have good reason to believe us my mother. Give me strength: not only has she ditched DSD & run off with a vicar: they're nicking me stuff from the local needy to try and win me round. Mind boggling.

Sorry, DSF I guess. & yes - will be making donations ASAP. Plus possibly alerting said food bank.

That's beyond bizarre :o

God thats disgusting of them. Give it back to the food bank and report the cheeky sod.

Sounds like a situation where they can't thieve cash but can spend the food bank's money on 'groceries'?

Why your DM decided you would be a good recipient for stolen goodies is a whole other question.

Oh gosh, sounds dodgy. Could a call to the Foodbank be in order after Christmas? Personally, I'd probably use or pass on the perishables and donate the other stuff to a shelter or Foodbank. The food sounds very odd compared to what our local Foodbank distributes.

If she's a compulsive liar it is quite possible the hamper doesn't come from a charity at all.

Oh heck this gets better. I bet there's never a dull moment with you dm around?

I'd give it back to the food bank and also mention how I'd come across it (via vicar) A lot of people would put trust in this man.

I did wonder that deckswabber - it would be v typical of DM to do something nice because of my MC like getting me something but then ruin the whole thing by 'embelleshing' it with some crazy story. But, like I say, we actually seem to have tracked it back to this guy & his food bank project. Maybe it was the donated stuff that couldn't be given to the homeless because it was too inappropriate???

How about you keep the contents, and donate a reasonable sum of money to a homeless charity instead? Probably more useful to them than the hamper anyway.

That's your conscience clear.

Then, to find out what's happening with your mum and ths dodgy vicar!