To be really pissed off with my mother and wonder how I will be civil to her over Christmas

[CambridgeBlue]

After not feeling especially festive this year I was just beginning to get in the mood until a phone call from my mother this morning. She wanted to get off her chest how she is feeling.

She is upset that her relationship with my 10 year old DD is not as 'special' as it used to be. This is based on the fact that she sent DD a parcel of Xmas bits the other week (not presents, just some paper chains etc to make) and DD didn't phone, email or text to thank her, I did. Then this morning she texted me to tell DD she was pleased for her that Louis won Strictly (DD's a big fan) and again I replied, not DD. That is all this is based on .

My mother is very much someone who will find something to create a scene about if there's no real reason but this has pissed me off so much I don't know how I am going to see her over Christmas without saying something. DH and DD also heard the conversation so DH is now even more anti my mother than usual and DD is rightly feeling like she's been told off unfairly - it was me who suggested replying in the case of the parcel and she didn't even know about this morning's text at first because we were rushing to go out. So of course now my mother has made her relationship with DD uncomfortable herself when it was perfectly fine before.

Our lives are so busy like most people's but I do everything I can to make sure extended family feel wanted and included - we made cards this year even though time was tight because I know how people enjoy receiving them and then my mother has the nerve to question the values I am bringing my DD up with. I am so bloody furious with her and don't know how I will be able to spend Christmas Day at hers without creating a horrible atmosphere for everyone else :( What the bloody hell do I do?

Just because she has behaved 'toxically' in the past or even presently, doesn't make every action toxic.

She did something nice, thinking your DD would like it. She didn't get the sense that she did.

My DDs phone Nanny and Grandad every morning. It takes two minutes, doesn't cost anything.

After reading your first post, and before reading your other posts, I was just about to post to say that I thought there must be more background to your relationship than this.

I suspect, from reading this, that she is very controlling. A 10 year old child will not be as adoring of their grandparent as a three year old. I feel for you OP - like most of us, I expect you are rushed off your feet and just trying to keep everyone happy and everything ticking over smoothly before Christmas.

YABU Your daughter should have thanked her grandmother herself. It's just good manners.

You're also rude, in my opinion, for classing your own mother as extended family. How are you going to feel if your daughter does that to you?

My mother, RIP, was certainly never part of extended family to me. I don't think I'm unusual in that regard.

I think you should hide the thread now, staying on it wont do you any good at all.

The stately homes thread will be much better for you.

I hope you sort something out re Christmas Day and that you have a lovely time < Mulled of course x

YANBU

In my experience the people who make such a fuss about receiving formal 'thank yous' for every little thing do tend to be rather less than perfect in sending their own 'thank yous'

apostrophe, I dont think that considering the DM as extended family is so very unusual once one has partner & children of one's own. You dont feel like that which is fine but others do. It isnt rude, just different from your view.

namingofparts I actually don't know anyone who would think that way. I really don't.

Your parents, in my opinion, will always be close family. In my experience.

Your children will always be close family - even when grown up. In my experience.

Your partner may not be. In my experience.

Your opinion and experience, apostrophe, I have lived with my DH longer than I lived with my parents. All families are different. Some are close and some are not.

IMO the GM's was a massive over-reaction. GM sent a box of stuff and received a thank you. The text was only sent this morning and GM wants an instant response. Not everyone runs their life by text. Demanding that texts get an instant response is a bit grabby.

Perhaps I am behind the times but I dont check my phone for texts every day five minutes.