To be really pissed off with my mother and wonder how I will be civil to her over Christmas

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After not feeling especially festive this year I was just beginning to get in the mood until a phone call from my mother this morning. She wanted to get off her chest how she is feeling.

She is upset that her relationship with my 10 year old DD is not as 'special' as it used to be. This is based on the fact that she sent DD a parcel of Xmas bits the other week (not presents, just some paper chains etc to make) and DD didn't phone, email or text to thank her, I did. Then this morning she texted me to tell DD she was pleased for her that Louis won Strictly (DD's a big fan) and again I replied, not DD. That is all this is based on .

My mother is very much someone who will find something to create a scene about if there's no real reason but this has pissed me off so much I don't know how I am going to see her over Christmas without saying something. DH and DD also heard the conversation so DH is now even more anti my mother than usual and DD is rightly feeling like she's been told off unfairly - it was me who suggested replying in the case of the parcel and she didn't even know about this morning's text at first because we were rushing to go out. So of course now my mother has made her relationship with DD uncomfortable herself when it was perfectly fine before.

Our lives are so busy like most people's but I do everything I can to make sure extended family feel wanted and included - we made cards this year even though time was tight because I know how people enjoy receiving them and then my mother has the nerve to question the values I am bringing my DD up with. I am so bloody furious with her and don't know how I will be able to spend Christmas Day at hers without creating a horrible atmosphere for everyone else :( What the bloody hell do I do?

I think you are being unreasonable. The "bits" which you call "just paper chains etc" were a nice, thoughtful thing and your DD is quite old enough to call her Gran herself to say thank you.

You should have asked DD to call her Gran.

The text thing...I doubt your Mother would have said anything if she'd been thanked for the parcel. You're overreacting about this and tbh I feel for your Mother.

Hmmm. No real suggestions but I do think your DD (dependant on age - but if she's watching SCD, then I'm thinking she's old enough) should have been the one to call to day thank you for the parcel.

But saying her relationship with DD is no longer 'special' seems a bit OTT.

stay home?
say "oh for goodness sake mother, how old are you?" and do a face?
say "oh shut up you stupid old bat, you are full of shit"?
say nothing and foam and gnash inwardly whilst feeling martyred all day?
laugh about it now and get over it and let it go and tell DD to do the same, after reassuring her that "nanna is a bit fraught dotty so take no notice"?

I have to say that I would have got my DD to send the thank you texts but I don't think she is being very reasonable. If she feels that her relationship with DD is suffering for some reason she is the adult and she needs to work out why and sort it. Is everything always about her or is she having a bad time for some reason?

I think you are probably best just moving on and pretending the conversation didn't happen.

I think you're making this more serious than it needs to be. Your mum did a thoughtful thing re the parcel. Your dd should have said thank you.

Sorry but lots of oldpeople take manners very seriously - my very easy going MIL is very hurt by the kids not sending thanl you cards or even just phoning to say thank you and although your mother has overreacted your daughter sounds like a rude little madam not to even bother texting, which takes no effort whatsoever.

And this may sound harsh but you are not helping her by replying to your others texts in place of your daughter - she is old enough to do it herself - unless she is just severley ill mannered.

Er yeah, sorry, I think you're the one in the wrong here.

I'm not a fan of thank you notes, but I am of phonecalls. This should've come from your DD.

Why didn't you ask her to phone her GM?

In your DM's shoes, I don't think I would've said anything about the so-called special relationship, but she was right to say something.

I'm sorry, but I think you've been rude and I would apologise if I was you. This isn't your DD's fault or your DM's and they are the ones that seem to be suffering for it.

Well, your daughter is getting older and won't always be GM's dear little GD. Point out to DD that GM will be huffy if she doesn't thank her then leave it to your DD.

Putting yourself out to include distant rellies sounds like a demand too many. You have busy lives, fit them in if it suits, send the odd card, note or make the odd phone call. There will come a time when you have more time and DD can sort her own stuff, so stop wearing yourself out jugging balls jus now.

I don't understand why you daughter didn't send a thank you or reply to her text? Sorry, but I can sort of see your mothers point of view. Don't let it ruin Christmas though, it's not worth it.

Do?
Suck it up and apologise. The present was for your DD and she is old enough to phone to have a chat and say 'Thank you'. If there was time for you to do it, you could have given the phone to DD.
I agree none of this is DD's fault. Why did you put yourself in the middle?

The 'special relationship' is a bit OTT but I'd have been hurt too - and I don't consider me 'extended family' to DCs and DGCs. I consider me close family. And so do they.

Daughter should've said thanks for paper chains.

Yanbu re this mornings text to your phone.

Your dd should have said thank you for the gifts and responded to the dancing thing and you should have encouraged made her do this. Yabu and I'm not surprised your dm is hurt.

Your DD is old enough to have said thank you. It was rude not to. Sadly, 10 year olds are a little self absorbed (I know, I have one) so a gentle nudge occasionally should help. Ask DD to phone her GM so that it won't be awkward over Christmas. And try to avoid her overhearing you and DH moaning about your mum, that's disrespectful.

YABU on the first one but why didnt she just text DD directly about SCD ?

Blimey. I thought you were going to regale us a with a tale of toxic parentage then.

OP it's Christmas. I myself will find it hard to be civil to my own mother this Christmas, but that's because of years of fucked up-ness and childhood emotional abuse. Get some perspective, and I mean this kindly.

I often thank people on behalf of my children. I don't think that's rude - I view us as one unit so as long as one of us has said thank you, then I've generally considered that to be good enough.

Often I will get my dc to ring up GPs, but it's just as likely that I would do it because they are my children. It's not like the OP didn't acknowledge it.

Your daughter could save the day by telephoning her DGM now and having a lovely chat :) and everything will be fine.

Sorry, I think your Mum has a point, both item and text were specifically for your DD, would it have killed her to answer?

I agree, you should have asked your DD to ring/text your DM to say thank you.
My 13 year old DS rang his DN last night to say thank you for his card and money even though myself and DH had said thank you when we saw them.

Although I think your dd should have thanked your mother herself I also think it would be fair to point out to your mother the your dd is getting older and that of course their relationship is going to change as dd will take on more social and educational responsibilities.

My own grandmother was very demanding on her relationship with my cousin who happened to live close to her and would pop in on the way home after school everyday.

However, as exams, revision and boys entered my cousins life she wasn't always able to visit everyday, although did go at least once a week. This did not go down well with my grandmother at all until my dad (cousin's uncle) pointed out how lucky grandma actually was.

If I were you I would prepare your mum for the changes that are going to happen in her relationship with your dd now as things could get very chilly.

Thanks all, there is much more to this than what's happened today so I don't actually think IABU but can see how it may appear if you don't know the back story which I won't post as it'd be pretty dull for anyone else.

My DD has beautiful manners and is certainly not a rude little madam, I don't think there was any need for that. The reason she didn't thank in person is because I said I would. I don't like her texting too much - she's getting a bit obsessed with her phone so I encourage her to keep it switched off at home. She wouldn't dream of not saying thank you herself normally.

I stand by what I think which is that my mother is just looking for something to be in a strop about as usual but I am pissed off that it seems to be my turn to be on the receiving end. However I did ask so I'll take your replies on board and try and see it from her point of view.

I'm afraid I think that, although your mum may be being a bit dramatic about it, she's basically right.

She sent your daughter something - your daughter should have said thanks.

She clearly is trying to keep good communication with your daughter - texts about stupid things like tv programmes aren't actually about tv programmes - they're about communication. In this case, communication with her granddaughter. It's about the relationship. It's got nothing to do with the programme. You replying was missing the whole point.

So I think that rather than being cross, you should calm down and see that your daughter should have called her herself and texted her back.

X-post.

Well, as you say, we can only go on what you write, so if there's a massive backstory that totally changes everything, but we don't know about it, we obviously can't factor it in and just have to take it at face value.