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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be really pissed off with my mother and wonder how I will be civil to her over Christmas

57 replies

CambridgeBlue · 23/12/2012 15:06

After not feeling especially festive this year I was just beginning to get in the mood until a phone call from my mother this morning. She wanted to get off her chest how she is feeling.

She is upset that her relationship with my 10 year old DD is not as 'special' as it used to be. This is based on the fact that she sent DD a parcel of Xmas bits the other week (not presents, just some paper chains etc to make) and DD didn't phone, email or text to thank her, I did. Then this morning she texted me to tell DD she was pleased for her that Louis won Strictly (DD's a big fan) and again I replied, not DD. That is all this is based on Angry.

My mother is very much someone who will find something to create a scene about if there's no real reason but this has pissed me off so much I don't know how I am going to see her over Christmas without saying something. DH and DD also heard the conversation so DH is now even more anti my mother than usual and DD is rightly feeling like she's been told off unfairly - it was me who suggested replying in the case of the parcel and she didn't even know about this morning's text at first because we were rushing to go out. So of course now my mother has made her relationship with DD uncomfortable herself when it was perfectly fine before.

Our lives are so busy like most people's but I do everything I can to make sure extended family feel wanted and included - we made cards this year even though time was tight because I know how people enjoy receiving them and then my mother has the nerve to question the values I am bringing my DD up with. I am so bloody furious with her and don't know how I will be able to spend Christmas Day at hers without creating a horrible atmosphere for everyone else :( What the bloody hell do I do?

OP posts:
DorsetKnobwithJingleBellsOn · 23/12/2012 16:16

AIBU
YABU
NIANBU there is a back story.

DrGoogleWillSeeYouNow · 23/12/2012 16:17

"AIBU?"

Unanimous YES.

"I don't actually think IABU".

Well why bother asking? Hmm

DorsetKnobwithJingleBellsOn · 23/12/2012 16:18

In this case without the back story, YABU, your DD should have phoned your mother.

TidyDancer · 23/12/2012 16:23

Should've guessed, no one thinks they are being unreasonable.

OP, you were rude, in the wrong, and need to apologise. If you take nothing else from this thread, take that. Please.

Whoknowswhocares · 23/12/2012 16:24

Does it really matter? We all think yabu, you disagree. At the end of the day, it is a minuscule, petty thing to get het up over, regardless of who is right (that goes for your mother too)

For goodness sake, have a Wine, chill out and let it go

everlong · 23/12/2012 16:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nkf · 23/12/2012 16:25

Your mother creates scenes. So do you by the sounds of it. And your daughter should have thanked her grandmother.

everlong · 23/12/2012 16:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CambridgeBlue · 23/12/2012 16:31

Sorry I don't think I should have posted here, it's not fair to expect people to see my point without knowing how much of my mother's unreasonable, controlling and, yes - toxic - behaviour I have had to put up with over the years. It's the fact that she is now trying to bring my DD - who I am trying very hard to bring up in a less emotionally charged manner than I was - into this that winds me up so much.

I was actually hoping for a bit of support but can see it's not going to be forthcoming. I'll think twice before posting in AIBU again when I'm not feeling like dealing with some home truths.

OP posts:
everlong · 23/12/2012 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 23/12/2012 16:36

That's probably wise.

It's very difficult for people who don't know you and don't know the situation. All we have to go on is what you tell us.

If there's a whole backstory that you're unable or unwilling to go into, then of course you're going to get answers based only on what you say. That's clearly not what you need right now.

There is a toxic parents group on here. Thread title is something to do with stately homes. If you're not already on it, I really really advise you to go over there. They are apparently really helpful and it might be a good place for you to open up about the actual problems, not the symptoms, iyswim.

Original poster
CambridgeBlue · 23/12/2012 16:41

I think you are right HEC, this was the wrong place for his. It's just that I tie myself up in knots trying to please my mother and to do all that and still get it wrong really hurts, I just can't bloody win :( I didn't post backstory because I doub anyone's interested (not being a martyr, just not enthralling reading for anyone else). I misjudged my post so sorry for that, think I should head for the Stately Homes thread instead.

OP posts:
Whoknowswhocares · 23/12/2012 16:42

despite her previous bad behaviour, you have chosen to maintain a relationship with her and she is right to expect you to use common courtesy in your dealings with her.
If there are other unresolved issues, then fair enough, deal with them. Just don't stall in the halfway house of having a semi-relationship, but being rude. Tres passive aggressive!

HECTheHallsWithRowsAndFolly · 23/12/2012 16:44

No need to apologise. It sounds like you really do need to join the stately homes thread though. I know they are a fantastic support to one another and you know you can post all the details and really let it all out.

ArielTheBahHumbugMermaid · 23/12/2012 16:44

Ah Cambridge, it's amazing how mothers can affect us into our 30s and 40s. I hope you get the support you're looking for xx

Original poster
CambridgeBlue · 23/12/2012 16:48

I've chosen to maintain a relationship with her Who because she's my mother. Clearly there are issues but I don't really want to address them over the turkey which is why I am so annoyed that she chose to raise this 2 days before sodding Christmas. But it seems I am the one creating a scene - oh well Confused

OP posts:
nkf · 23/12/2012 17:04

The stately homes thread sounds like a good place. Sorry you didn't get the support you wanted. As you said, a misplaced post. Best wishes.

leeloo1 · 23/12/2012 17:12

I can see where you're coming from and I'm sorry your mum's upset you in this way over something so petty. Is she on her own? If so perhaps she's been stewing over the thank you's not coming from your DD, whereas if she'd had a partner to reason with talk to her and suggest she was grateful for the responses she did get.

As galling as it is to back down, if you want to have a nice family Christmas then perhaps its worth calling her to apologise for DD not calling her to thank her in person and say its because she's been busy and isn't a reflection on their relationship - that she was grateful but knew you'd rung on her behalf? IYSWIM.

FWIW my FIL rang last night to say he 'was sorry that I'd clearly been so deeply uncomfortable' with him and my DH having a chat together (they had had a chat after a family get together. Our car was blocking in some other rellies who needed to leave, I'd gone in to ask DH if we were leaving, as he'd said we were, but as they were clearly in the middle of something I came out again and said perhaps we should leave them to it for a bit... but step-MIL had wound him up about it all - and said other, nicer rellies and her had discussed it and agreed I wasn't happy about it. :( I was left feeling 'wtf did I do?' I don't find PIL easy company (to say the least), but had done my best to facilitate a nice easy gathering, then get rung up and told off. I'm ashamed to say I had a big cry about it all, but its more about the whole difficult situation than that one phonecall (which is what I think, OP, you're saying too?!).

Families are so hard sometimes! Good luck with whatever you decide to do and well done for trying to ensure your DD isn't caught up in all the tension and high drama of it all.

Waspie · 23/12/2012 17:21

your mum sounds rather like mine CambridgeBlue. Mine always gets dramatic and becomes a victim near Christmas. Other times too, but always at Christmas. Must be something in the water.

I understand your worry that your mother is starting to try and involve your daughter in her dramas. I worry similarly that my mum will try it on my son when he's a bit older (he's 5 yo) and I'm preparing in advance.

I'm so cynical and bitter that I have a week booked out in my calendar to deal with my mother's Xmas histrionics! I do respond with "don't be so childish mother" which just makes her sulk, but I just don't care anymore.

I hope you can get support on the stately homes thread.

Best wishes.

Loveweekends10 · 23/12/2012 17:24

No sorry YABU I always get my kids to ring their granny and say thanks however small a gift they are given. If they didn't then I would expect her to be upset. We are also busy but it's basic manners.

aquashiv · 23/12/2012 19:38

Your dd should thank your Mother I would go with the calling her option.
It sounds as if its YOU making the mountain out of a mole hill.

HumphreyCobbler · 23/12/2012 19:55

well I think that your Mother is making a mountain out of a molehill and I thought that from your initial post.

If she had a problem with not receiving a thank you from your dd she could have mentioned this in a reasonable way. "Hey Dgd, did you like the present I sent?

So two interactions that have not gone as MIL has wished and she phones up and gives you grief about it, questioning your parenting values? It sounds very annoying and over the top.

I also think you should thank people for presents received, but I wouldn't expect all this hand wringing over one missing thank you.

MardyArsedMidlander · 23/12/2012 19:59

I have to say that a 10 year old not texting thanks because they have 'social and educational' responsibilities is stretching it a little Xmas Hmm

You know that old saying about a stopped clock being right twice a day? Despite the back story unfortunately this time your mother is right.

AfterEightMintyy · 23/12/2012 19:59

And people say "what harm does it do if people post everything in aibu?".

Xmas Hmm
mercibucket · 23/12/2012 20:21

I get it, op

She's a drama queen, and xmas is an ideal time to create a big drama. She texted you, you replied on your dd's behalf. No big deal. Yes, your dd should have phoned to say thanks, but why make a big deal about it to you and make it all about her?