Because I am so hurt about my thoughtless Christmas presents?

[Befevered]

Oh I am trying not to be shallow and I've been fighting it every 5 minutes when I want to burst into tears but its winning.

So long story short, I've already opened my Christmas presents from my significant other. We're both women in case this gets confusing as to why I'm upset at getting a power tool!

For the first time in 7 years we will be apart this Christmas. Her family have been through a tough time this year so she's gone to be with them in one end of the country and I'm with my family who have also had a rough 2012 in the opposite end of the country. It was either split up for Christmas and get a few precious days together before we go back to work, or spend the full 10 days travelling from one end of the UK to the other and back to London. That's not an exaggeration either. They are almost at the very ends of the UK.

Anyway, we exchanged gifts last night. I spoil her every year because she bloody well deserves it. She works so hard all year so I want her to feel super special at Christmas. I start planning what I want to give her in August. madness I know but I earn a tenth of what she does so I have to plan and save, not just for her but for our families and friends too. I take care of all the present planning and buying for both sides.

Back to last night. I could't wait for her to open hers. She had a big pile of big, medium and small expense presents. Everything had meaning. Everything was for HER, none of it was for the house or the car or the bike etc. it was all her. I walked from one side of the city and back at least 3 times in a month looking for just the right type of gadgety thing she wanted. She got clothes, Apple stuff, toiletries, books etc etc

As she was opening hers I started on mine. In order I got socks, 2 jumpers (a size too small) for work wear, a power washer for the patio, a Kindle, slippers and a drill. Yes, I got a drill and a power washer for Christmas. I have to say I was absolutely gutted. I cried in the loo this morning and I'm welling up now at the thoughtlessness of it all except the Kindle. I should point out the only reason I got the Kindle was because I sent her the link and asked if she thought it would be any good because I was going to upgrade my old one.

A drill.

And a power washer.

They are both house presents. They're not for me. I need a new purse (current one literally fell apart in Nov), earrings (my only "good" pair were stolen), cosmetics, toiletries, shoes, winter jacket to name a few. She knows all this. She told me not to buy anything so close to Christmas to give her options. I didn't. I have worn out my shoes they're so old, I froze last month when the weather was really bad because I held off on buying the winter coat to give her "options".

And then I get a drill and a power washer. She could't even be bothered to find out what size jumper I wear. They have to go back so yay, I get £30 credit for M&S at least. I don't know what she was thinking with the slippers. I ready have a pair that I bought myself that I love. The ones she bought are just a much cheaper version of my own.

This isn't about money. I can't stress that enough. This is about not a single minutes thought going in to what I would like for me. Nobody buys me anything for just me. It's either a joint gift or a house gift. I had hoped after several years of bad gifts things would get a bit better but this year was the worst and most thoughtless.

Maybe I'm not asking if I'm being unreasonable. Maybe I just needed to get it out.

My husband is wonderful but has no clue whatsoever about presents, I have bought my own from him and given them to him to wrap up this year. He gets so hurt when he gets it wrong.

I'd be more concerned about your comment that you "know" she doesn't love you like she used to. Sounds like it's time for a talk- it may well be painful, but this doesn't sound like it's really working for you at the moment.

I request power tools as presents from my dad. It's something he is interested in, therefore will put thought and effort in (when left to his own devices I get a cheque or jewellery that isn't my style as he doesn't really know me that well). Having said that, DH is useless around the house, so the drill was definitely for me!

Feeling the rubbish at presents thing though. My DH thinks a suitable gift is something he would like i.e. anything with wires but agree with many posters, doesn't mean he loves me any less.

omg I would love a pressure washer. It is the Kindle which would make me cry I love books. But a drill? A fucking drill? Get it on ebay and buy something fabulous with the cash. She will never notice that you haven't drilled holes in anything because she didn't even notice you have been crying in the loo.

Ah, I see it is about more than the presents.

That is a bit different.

DH is very thoughtful in other ways and we use gift giving 'opportunities' to get the bits and pieces we need for around the house as when I want something I just go get it.

So a drill and a power washer would have been just fine (well not the drill we have a flash one ), but I do need a decent socket wrench.

A pressure washer though, that would be awesome - as would a leaf vac (wonders if it is too late to get DH one for Christmas...)

Life is so much easier with some good tools. I am always so shocked when people don't have at least a hammer and screwdriver set, would annoy the fuck out of me.

Oh, OP, your posts struck a chord. It is so easy to equate the presents you receive with the love your partner feels for you. I do it all the time. I get upset because I don't get the presents I would truly love. When I feel low it feels like the end of the world and I start thinking that my partner doesn't give a s**t about me, doesn't understand me and doesn't want to spend the time and effort choosing lovely presents in the same way that I do. I over-think and over-think and put all sorts of (damaging) interpretations on his present-buying abilities.

The truth is, I get a lot out of finding the perfect presents for people. My partner doesn't. It isn't always a measure of how much they value you although it is easy to think that way.

It sounds as though you are having a hard time anyway and feeling a bit low which just magnifies the Christmas present issues. You want someone who puts as much energy into present buying as you do. I can understand that. Keep your chin up and remember that maybe in her world she was being thoughtful and was getting it right. When you are feeling a bit more settled have a chat with her about your relationship, your worries and fears. See if this is just about present buying abilities or has a deeper cause.

In the meantime, buy a nice winter coat in the sales and a good pair of shoes for yourself. By meeting our own needs we become a lot less upset about stuff that other people do and nicer people to be with.

Have a peaceful and happy Christmas.

Don't set too much store by it I'd say. Take the too small jumpers and duplicate slippers back and use the money towards a nice winter coat and shoes in the January sales. Take the tools back too if you like but not if actually you do need them as a household. I'd say the Kindle is the main pressie and she just wanted to add a few extras in and misjudged what to get.

I'm just surprised that after seven years together she doesn't know what size jumper to get you.

in seven years sizes may change? thats why she may have got confused?

for my birthday i got a duvet cover.

id have been delighted to have opened half of what you have.

so imo YABU

I know exactly how you feel. My partner and I been together 15 years. I wanted to get her stuff that meant something; things she could use that she wouldn't necessarily get for herself. She's a budding photographer. Needs lots of equipment. Things she wouldn't spring for herself. So everything I got her was along that theme. In return? I got a t-shirt, pair of sweat pants and a pair of socks. Where exactly was the love in that? It was all items you can get from a local bargain bin. I am not a shallow person. I am always the first to say that it's the thought that counts; yet honestly there was no thought in this.

Was interesting to read the bit about emotionally investing in presents as I know its something I do, to the detriment of my sanity. But I was massively depressed to get oven gloves and a set of supermarket wine glasses from my parents this year. And no, I didn't ask for them ! Every year my mother gets me something 'practical' which I find monumentally depressing. So after 3 days of cooking I wake up to ...oven gloves... We are usually too knackered to have people over so 8 cheap wine glasses will just gather dust. ( my parents on the other hand seem to have weekly dinner parties..) It was my birthday recently and I specifically asked for something as the present issue comes up every year. Showed them the picture, where to get it from - but no - instead I got a version that might sit well in their house but looks shit in mine. I can't help but think its a control thing as they have done it every since I was a child ( one year my mum took me clothes shopping - put me in clothes that she knew I hated as I was in tears when I put them on and then wrapped them up for me to open on Christmas morning).
Every year I bust a gut to find them personal things despite being told eg this year - 'oh just get me loo roll'. Needless to say they were delighted with what I gave them, and it wasn't blinkin loo roll!
I asked them to get my DD something off her wish list to make it easier on them, they said they had a bought her the chemistry set so DP and I ruled it out of our gifts despite it being the main thing she wanted, Xmas morning she opens a soap making kit - no its not the same bloody thing!!
And my high maintenance sister who year on year gives us all hell if we buy the wrong thing (partly why I have kept my own mouth shut all of these years ) bought me a jug. Again. That's three years in a row. And while she has no kids and earns three times as much as me , still gave me some freebies that she gets with her job - anti wrinkle cream made me feel particularly special .
aggh - rant over. Maybe I should ask for a therapist next year.

I'm rubbish at presents, both having the ideas and finding the time. So we do lists. I buy from the list so dp gets few surprises, I think she'd rather surprises. She thinks my lists are boring (lots of kitchen stuff), so buys me a bunch of random stuff instead that sits unused in a cupboard. Thankfully we work in other ways.

I'd feel a lot of pressure if dp started present buying in August. In the kindest possible way, I wonder if you went a bit ott to compensate for your worries about your relationship? I have known couples do this.

If both your families have had tough years so far apart, this has presumably been a lot of strain on you both, which can mean you have less energy for each other. Can you have an honest talk about the relationship, but not berate her about the presents? Instead, accept she has been crap at presents for several years, and gently suggests you give her a list for your birthday?

Lucythejuggler...I know exactly what you mean.

I got so fed up of family buying me presents that I would never want in a million years that I set a price limit for us all...£10. That means none of us waste a huge amount of money on stuff. Doesn't solve the problem of rubbish presents but at least means that I don't spend a fortune on thoughtful gifts which is totally unreciprocated. I know it isn't about money but it used to upset me that I would stretch myself financially to buy people lovely, thoughtful gifts and get a fridge magnet of The London Eye in return.

I have also started to make sure I buy the things I really want for myself. Can't rely on other people to get me what I want. It is upsetting sometimes...I would love someone to be thoughtful and listen to what I say during the year, just as I do for them. Not so. People just buy me what THEY want to buy...I'm not sure I actually feature at all in their choices.

On the brighter side, charities do well out of me.

I feel exactly the same so excuse me whilst I hijack your thread in order that I may also vent. I've spend thousands on my DH over the years. Holiday to far east, loads of Christmas and birthday pressies. I do this because I feel he deserves to be spoilt. He works hard and has also worked hard to help build a lovely home. Last Christmas I bought him an iPad. He was 'umming and erring' for ages whether or not he could justify spending out on something like this for himself after he bought himself a MacBook. I thought 'hell, why not' and bought the iPad for him for last year's Christmas, I was also pregnant and he loved it as was extremely grateful. I've now had our gorgeous DD and thought he would get me something really special to mark my first Christmas as a mummy. I spent loads on DD pressies and have bought her clothes and toys since she's been born, even though I'm on SMP and using savings. DH did not buy anything for DD but that's ok as he's pretty crappy at these things but then got silently annoyed that he wasn't actually contributing. I honestly thought he would get me a lovely piece of jewellery. I've pointed out things I would really like, such as a pretty nursing bra, and undies etc as fed up wearing my granny knickers and frumpy nursing bras. I thought as he has been doing lots of overtime on days that I'd rather spend as a family that this would fund something extra special for Christmas, especially after getting him a wow-wee pressie last year.

I got a hair dryer.
Hairbrush.
Keyring
Frame with a picture of DD and me (was thoughtful but prob got this because I've done the same for grandparents)

I know I am going to sound ungrateful but I am just so hurt and upset. I'm gutted. Even his mum received beautiful earrings from him as I pointed them out as a lovely gift in a jewellers.

You know what? He's going to get fuck all from me next year and I'm going to treat myself to some nice undies and a necklace in the sales.

Ah Milkwagon, I am so sorry you are upset. I do empathise. You have no option but to treat yourself. Make it something really nice. I've been waiting years for a piece of jewellery...nothing yet. I don't want to have to send my DH a link to the pair of earrings I like and apply pressure. I want a bit of initiative, spontaneity and to be listened to. Throughout the year I occasionally say to him 'If you get stuck for a present, you could always buy me a voucher for a manicure somewhere' yet when it comes to Christmas or birthdays he says I am difficult to buy for. How hard is it for him to find out where I could have a manicure? He can find the most obscure stuff for his hobbies but it seems that using initiative to find my Christmas present is way too difficult. Worse still, he always says he is broke when it comes to my birthday...shortly after Christmas...why? My birthday is on exactly the same day each year...it doesn't move like the full moon.

I listen to him when he says what he likes so, when it comes to Christmas I know what to get him. Why on earth can't other people do the same? And I don't buy the 'I'm crap at buying presents' card that DH comes out with either. It is laziness and a lack of listening skills. It is reluctance to go into a shop that is out of their comfort zone such as a jewellers or cosmetic counter or lingerie department because they feel self-conscious and think the assistants will laugh at them. Ridiculous. I think a lot of men just want their partners to take over most Christmas responsibilities and by being rubbish, that is exactly what happens.

Hairbrush indeed.

so it's the fact your relationship is on the rocks too? as you say you think this xmas may be your last and she doesn't love you like she did.

so it's the fact your relationship is on the rocks too?

Yes. On all these millions of present threads it's never just about the gift and the OP is insecure about the relationship anyway.