Because I am so hurt about my thoughtless Christmas presents?

[Befevered]

Oh I am trying not to be shallow and I've been fighting it every 5 minutes when I want to burst into tears but its winning.

So long story short, I've already opened my Christmas presents from my significant other. We're both women in case this gets confusing as to why I'm upset at getting a power tool!

For the first time in 7 years we will be apart this Christmas. Her family have been through a tough time this year so she's gone to be with them in one end of the country and I'm with my family who have also had a rough 2012 in the opposite end of the country. It was either split up for Christmas and get a few precious days together before we go back to work, or spend the full 10 days travelling from one end of the UK to the other and back to London. That's not an exaggeration either. They are almost at the very ends of the UK.

Anyway, we exchanged gifts last night. I spoil her every year because she bloody well deserves it. She works so hard all year so I want her to feel super special at Christmas. I start planning what I want to give her in August. madness I know but I earn a tenth of what she does so I have to plan and save, not just for her but for our families and friends too. I take care of all the present planning and buying for both sides.

Back to last night. I could't wait for her to open hers. She had a big pile of big, medium and small expense presents. Everything had meaning. Everything was for HER, none of it was for the house or the car or the bike etc. it was all her. I walked from one side of the city and back at least 3 times in a month looking for just the right type of gadgety thing she wanted. She got clothes, Apple stuff, toiletries, books etc etc

As she was opening hers I started on mine. In order I got socks, 2 jumpers (a size too small) for work wear, a power washer for the patio, a Kindle, slippers and a drill. Yes, I got a drill and a power washer for Christmas. I have to say I was absolutely gutted. I cried in the loo this morning and I'm welling up now at the thoughtlessness of it all except the Kindle. I should point out the only reason I got the Kindle was because I sent her the link and asked if she thought it would be any good because I was going to upgrade my old one.

A drill.

And a power washer.

They are both house presents. They're not for me. I need a new purse (current one literally fell apart in Nov), earrings (my only "good" pair were stolen), cosmetics, toiletries, shoes, winter jacket to name a few. She knows all this. She told me not to buy anything so close to Christmas to give her options. I didn't. I have worn out my shoes they're so old, I froze last month when the weather was really bad because I held off on buying the winter coat to give her "options".

And then I get a drill and a power washer. She could't even be bothered to find out what size jumper I wear. They have to go back so yay, I get £30 credit for M&S at least. I don't know what she was thinking with the slippers. I ready have a pair that I bought myself that I love. The ones she bought are just a much cheaper version of my own.

This isn't about money. I can't stress that enough. This is about not a single minutes thought going in to what I would like for me. Nobody buys me anything for just me. It's either a joint gift or a house gift. I had hoped after several years of bad gifts things would get a bit better but this year was the worst and most thoughtless.

Maybe I'm not asking if I'm being unreasonable. Maybe I just needed to get it out.

There are other ways to show how much you care for someone than buying the right gift. Too much pressure

But as someone who got a super king duvet set for her 40th, I know where you are coming from. My bed is King size

I'd be thrilled with a power washer but Dh won't buy things like that coz his mates wife divorced him after receiving a set of saucepans one year was she mad? they were expensive copper bottomed ones.

Dh and I do a list of things we would like too. I sometimes put kitchen things on because I love baking and the list is also used when our parents ask what we would like.

It's much more satisfying getting something you want even if you know what it is. We still do 'off list' items. But only when we know its something the other person will love.

Next year suggest a list for birthdays and when it works, casually mention you should perhaps do the same for Christmas.

It does sound like she can't do gifts, but you have a big thing about gifts, find them very important, and want there to be "lots" - a big pile. She knows this, loves you and wants to reciprocate with the numbers of presents as well as the thought. For her the thought is incredibly hard though, she can't do it well, so she struggled with a lot of stress to live up and fell short. Rather than appreciate the aim you've just been put out and I think for that YABU

Or she's an arse of course, but you'd know that from outside the present giving - if she doesn't give many presents to the rest of the people she buys for, then you know she's really making an effort for you.

A drill or a pressure washer is a perfectly acceptable gift for a lot of people (I have my DW a tool as her only present last year...) but if you don't want house presents then you have to tell her. She'll probably still get you crap gifts, enjoy the other things she brings to your life.

Maybe you need to drop hints the size of elephants. Agree you shouldn't have to.

It sounds like you're a very thoughtful present buyer. Some people just aren't.

Last year my dh got me a text book for a course I was doing for work. Proper disappointing but the baby (now 3 months old) made up for it ;)

It saddens me that you go without to provide an adult with presents you seem unable to fully afford. Your need for warm dry clothing, shoes and a coat far outweigh a big pile of presents for an adult.

I don't buy into this "maybe she's not good at presents" chain of thought. She sounds selfish and happy to let you go without basics, warm dry shoes even though by your omission the major wage earner. Think in the new year you need to sit down and have a serious talk about money and budgeting for clothes etc.

She does sound a bit rubbish tbh but a list might be a good idea. I can thoroughly recommend an Amazon wish list (you can add non-Amazon stuff). My husband and in-laws find it extremely easy to buy me stuff, they still get to choose which item but I will always get something I want. I do ensure I do a good edit/add in October.

I'd be upset too. Presents should show that you have thought about the recipient. If the OP's partner had thought about her at all, she would have bought her a coat or winter shoes.

This relationship doesn't sound very equal to me. I don't understand couples where one person earns a lot and has a good standard of living and the other one is walking around with broken shoes! I know some people prefer separate finances, but there should imo, be sharing of the wealth, so that you both have the same standard of living. With that in mind, I think your dp has been selfish and thoughtless and not just at Christmas (unless she has tried to share and you have refused the offer).

I think you need to talk about this and explain that you want presents that show thought for you, not just something for the house and i also think you need to scale back and stop going without essentials, just to pay for things that your partner could easily buy herself. You can still show thought, without bankrupting yourself in the meantime.

If you don't have expectations, you won't be let down. It sounds like she never has been any good at thinking of great presents, and she probably won't change that.

Just go buy yourself the things you want/need, and don't go around without a coat or shoes again expecting someone else to get them. Those are necessities, so get them for yourself no matter what she says about it being close to Christmas. That is just wrong for you to be going without things you need.

You could also ask if she'd mind if you returned the drill and power washer and got a coat and shoes.

Why don't you share money? is my first thought, and I'm surprised it hasn't already been discussed. With M/F relationships with unequal earnings it always gets discussed. Do you live together? I am assuming so.

DH is very good at presents so long as he is given a very specific list. It does take the magic out of it 90% of the time, but it is better than continual disappointment.

Sometimes the richer partner doesn't get the poorer partner's anxieties about money. Sometimes rich people forget about the cost of things because they don't have to consider it.

Does DP know you were suffering without coat and boots? or did you hide it so she wouldn't feel bad?

I also think your reaction is not all about presents. The only Christmas I spent away from DH once we were living together I was a wreck. It just felt wrong.

I could not live with someone who martyred themselves to this extent. Why on earth would you go without shoes and a coat but buy someone multiple expensive gifts?

i really feel for you, yes a kindle is great but you told her you wanted it. ive told my DP (who has never failed with.presents yet) do not buy me any household items or appliances as a gift unless i ask for them. i wouldnt buy them for him so i dont want them... if the house needs it one of us will buy it. think you need to have a similar talk but try not to dwell on it.

I think it's befevered's own fault if she chooses to spend her money on gifts rather than a much needed coat and new shoes, tbh. She sounds bad with money (as am I- have a million presents and haven't bought any food basics yet and running out of money. Foolish and my own fault.) befevered's dp probably doesn't realise for a second that she has made this choice. I try and keep an eye on whether my children's shoes need replacing but I expect my partner to see to his own as a semi functioning adult and have no idea about the state of his clothes/shoes/wardrobe. I just assume that he replaces things as needed. I would be very peeved if he spent lots of money on presents for me when he needed essentials for himself tbh, and even more cross if he then blamed me for his lack of essentials because I was the recipient of unasked for presents bought by him. I think you sound quite young, befevered? Like maybe you don't do the boring budgeting stuff in life yet? And love to splurge on the fun stuff like Christmas. Maybe dp is just a bit more sensible/grown up? If so she can be my role model! I am way too old to be this bad with money...

Some people put lots of thought and analyse presents, plan it like a military op.

Others just buy stuff.

It doesn't mean one person loves the other one more or less than the other.

If (like me) you know what you want then email links.

Everyone is different.

I'd prefer to receive what she gave you than what you gave her.

If she doesn't know what you would want, and you are the type to get upset about a gift, then you need to be clearer. Tell her what you would like, and be absolutely clear about it. It worked for the kindle.

Not doing so will lead to surprises and those surprises might not be to your taste.

Yes did she know you had holes in your shoes and a cold coat? Not replacing the shoes was madness because shoes are a silly gift if you can't try them on anyway.

I feel for you a bit because I come from a present-mad household where DM went overboard with thoughtful gifts for everyone and DF gave expensive romantic gifts for DM. DH OTOH has not had a Christmas present from his parents for as long as I've known him (and he never sends them birthday / Mother's Day gifts either) - they're lovely people but they don't do presents for adults. I'm pretty sure they don't buy each other Christmas presents at all.

Unsurprisingly DH is not a present person either. After several years buying and wrapping my own presents he's now got into the routine of buying my favourite (expensive) perfume twice a year, which is lovely, and useful, but frankly I'd kill for some socks, jumpers, a Kindle and a pressure washer. Any woman who's been given a Kindle does not have the right to throw a strop IMO. And pressure washers are great.

Thank you all so much for the replies. You've no idea how much better I feel. Not because many of you are in the same boat but because you know it's not about the things but the thought behind it. It really isn't about the things. I'll get great use out of them both.

I did want to clear something up though. When I said My shoes were worn out it was because I didn't want to buy a new pair so she would be able to go down the easy route and buy me new ones, not that I couldn't. They are Nike Free's, flimsy things but oh so comfortable, and I only use them for walking to the station. It wasn't a case of not being able to afford them because as was rightly pointed out I'd never get to that stage of martyrdom and if I ever did I'd want to be ridiculed mercilessly.

I don't think I'll say anything about Christmas BUT I have a birthday in a few weeks so it would be the perfect start afresh opportunity. She has never been great at gift giving I guess. But saying that her mother is getting a beautiful piece of tapestry from a charity that teaches prisoners how to do tapestry and then makes their work into a cushion etc. Her mother spoke often about the charity so that's where that idea came from. But SHE thought of that thoughtful present. The iPad for her 83 year old Daf because he almost lost both legs this year and got into a lot of Internet stuff. Plus he's never felt he deserved to buy something like that for himself. See, thoughtful.

We've had a few ups and downs this year that has made me doubt if we're actually going to make is the Christmas 2013 together. I'm possibly putting far much stock in this year's presents because I'm worried it will be our last.

So sod it. They're only things. I know she doesn't love me like she used to so the presents are hardly going to thoughtful are they. Now I you'll excuse me I have a porch to power wash and a loose floorboard to sort out.

**The same applied to the coat. I wanted to give her choices to pick something I needed from. A new coat and shoes are top of my Sales list. They're only for the morning commute so don't have to worry about them just yet.

Oh dear. You sound like you're feeling very, very, very insecure in the relationship. Hope things work out for you guys. Good luck.

they sound decent presents to me. I think youre being completely OTT and a bit mean tbh. You werent doing all that special shopping to make her feel good. You were doing it because you wanted her to up her game and spoil you, and any feeling nice about having lovely presents is now completely ruined by you sobbing and crying and being gutted about her gifts that most people would have been delighted with
Nightmare.

I think people give gift they would like to receive.

You might not want a power washer and a drill, but I'm guessing your partner does.

Next year spend less on your partner, and more on yourself.

Yanbu I would be annoyed too, after 7 years she should know what kind of things you like and she even told you not to buy a new coat or shoes, and then bought you a drill? That's just thoughtless IMO.

My oh is the same though, I bought all my own presents this year and asked his mum to wrap them, I told him I wanted him to get me at least one present of his own back and had to force him to come to the shops with me, we went shopping on our own but I'm sure he just bought me shower gel!

Aw befevered, there are clearly other things going on. It sounds like she's not making you feel as loved as she used to - so you were hoping the gifts would.
A chat would be good.

I've got DH a frying pan and a jumper. I'm getting worried now!

Some people ar not that good at gifts, sometimes you have to spell it out to them (dh comes to mind).