Because I am so hurt about my thoughtless Christmas presents?

[Befevered]

Oh I am trying not to be shallow and I've been fighting it every 5 minutes when I want to burst into tears but its winning.

So long story short, I've already opened my Christmas presents from my significant other. We're both women in case this gets confusing as to why I'm upset at getting a power tool!

For the first time in 7 years we will be apart this Christmas. Her family have been through a tough time this year so she's gone to be with them in one end of the country and I'm with my family who have also had a rough 2012 in the opposite end of the country. It was either split up for Christmas and get a few precious days together before we go back to work, or spend the full 10 days travelling from one end of the UK to the other and back to London. That's not an exaggeration either. They are almost at the very ends of the UK.

Anyway, we exchanged gifts last night. I spoil her every year because she bloody well deserves it. She works so hard all year so I want her to feel super special at Christmas. I start planning what I want to give her in August. madness I know but I earn a tenth of what she does so I have to plan and save, not just for her but for our families and friends too. I take care of all the present planning and buying for both sides.

Back to last night. I could't wait for her to open hers. She had a big pile of big, medium and small expense presents. Everything had meaning. Everything was for HER, none of it was for the house or the car or the bike etc. it was all her. I walked from one side of the city and back at least 3 times in a month looking for just the right type of gadgety thing she wanted. She got clothes, Apple stuff, toiletries, books etc etc

As she was opening hers I started on mine. In order I got socks, 2 jumpers (a size too small) for work wear, a power washer for the patio, a Kindle, slippers and a drill. Yes, I got a drill and a power washer for Christmas. I have to say I was absolutely gutted. I cried in the loo this morning and I'm welling up now at the thoughtlessness of it all except the Kindle. I should point out the only reason I got the Kindle was because I sent her the link and asked if she thought it would be any good because I was going to upgrade my old one.

A drill.

And a power washer.

They are both house presents. They're not for me. I need a new purse (current one literally fell apart in Nov), earrings (my only "good" pair were stolen), cosmetics, toiletries, shoes, winter jacket to name a few. She knows all this. She told me not to buy anything so close to Christmas to give her options. I didn't. I have worn out my shoes they're so old, I froze last month when the weather was really bad because I held off on buying the winter coat to give her "options".

And then I get a drill and a power washer. She could't even be bothered to find out what size jumper I wear. They have to go back so yay, I get £30 credit for M&S at least. I don't know what she was thinking with the slippers. I ready have a pair that I bought myself that I love. The ones she bought are just a much cheaper version of my own.

This isn't about money. I can't stress that enough. This is about not a single minutes thought going in to what I would like for me. Nobody buys me anything for just me. It's either a joint gift or a house gift. I had hoped after several years of bad gifts things would get a bit better but this year was the worst and most thoughtless.

Maybe I'm not asking if I'm being unreasonable. Maybe I just needed to get it out.

You're going to have to tell her this has upset you, and why. At the moment she's approaching present buying like an insensitive bloke, and buying things for you as if you were an insensitive bloke, whereas the pair of you are actually supposed to be three dimensional women in a loving female relationship.

I would also ask her to clarify what she meant when she said don't buy anything because Christmas is coming up. If I were to say this, I would mean luxury items (e.g. earrings). It wouldn't occur to me to buy someone a winter coat or other necessity without them being there (i.e. not a surprise!).

Not everyone thinks the same way about buying gifts - we all show our love in different ways.

I used to get het up about this until I read the book "Love Languages" which explains how there are different ways of expressing love in a relationship and we need to be able to identify our partners " language". It sounds like gifts are a huge thing for you but not your partner - I recommend reading the book.

Bit of blurb from the book:-

Chapman's Five Emotional Love Languages:

Words of Affirmation
This is when you say how nice your spouse looks, or how great the dinner tasted. These words will also build your mate's self image and confidence.

Quality Time
Some spouses believe that being together, doing things together and focusing in on one another is the best way to show love. If this is your partner's love language, turn off the TV now and then and give one another some undivided attention.

Gifts
It is universal in human cultures to give gifts. They don't have to be expensive to send a powerful message of love. Spouses who forget a birthday or anniversary or who never give gifts to someone who truly enjoys gift giving will find themselves with a spouse who feels neglected and unloved.

Acts of Service
Discovering how you can best do something for your spouse will require time and creativity. These acts of service like vacuuming, hanging a bird feeder, planting a garden, etc., need to be done with joy in order to be perceived as a gift of love.

Physical Touch
Sometimes just stroking your spouse's back, holding hands, or a peck on the cheek will fulfill this need.

Determining Your Own Love Language
Since you may be speaking what you need, you can discover your own love language by asking yourself these questions:

How do I express love to others?
What do I complain about the most?
What do I request most often?

Befeverd, ignore strumpetpumpkin - what a nasty post.

My DH bought me a blender and a teasmaid one year, among some other equally impersonal bits. I tried to pretend I wasn't gutted but he could tell so we ended up having a light hearted and civilised chat about it. Fast forward a year and I unwrapped a lovely designer handbag which I had been eyeing up for ages. Talk to her but don't do it while you are upset. She undoubtedly didn't mean to upset you.

I feel like I've been given a right slap down to earth. I went on my usual morning online newspaper safari and there are lots of picture of the funerals of those children and adults that were killed in Sandy Hook. I need to shut the hell up, get over myself and be very grateful we're both healthy and get to see our families at Christmas.

I still can't bring myself to even try and imagine the pain those families are going through, people who would have already been hiding the presents those kids will never get to open.

And here I am bitching about a drill.

OP dont beat yourself up

FWIW my XH always bought me expensive, lovely gifts but didnt do a single other thing listed in the language of love post above and indeed in hindsight I can see he didnt love me

I don't think it's the powerwasher that's the roblem. The problem is much deeper with the state of your relationship. You feel she doesn't love you like she used to - that's not good. Dh and I have been married for 15 years. Your realtionship changes of course but I know I love as much as I did when we married and I know he loves me. It's a basic thing that should run very, very deep.

I know how you feel, an ex BF bought me six glasses for Christmas... glasses, what did he think he was drinking from? Rather nice cut glass wine glasses, in my cupboard not the nasty ones he had bought... like you I told him that if I needed stuff for the house, I would buy it. Once I had explained this, he understood... so speak to her and take the things back and get things that you would like for you.

I think the shootings and the presents are of a different order, and if the latter upsets you because you are worried about the relationship, then that's fine. Utimately you miss what you used to have, and you think this is indicative of its loss. The way forward is to have the big conversation, tell her that you think this shows she's not as into you as previously. See what she has to say. Really listen to her. Then decide if you need to move onto or whether the relationship still has some mileage.

Is this your first Christmas/present occasion together? If yes then she just needs educating. If no and this hasn't happened in the past then I'd be a bit concerned.

I was astonished to discover that when they were together my DP and his ex bought something for the house on VALENTINE'S DAY! Like a new iron and ironing board. 'To Share'. Worked for them.

Why not set up an Amazon gift list or something similar and e mail it to her next time

I've got my DP a drill this year

I feel your pain - one year I mentioned to DH that I had seen a black kettle I really liked. I got it for Christmas. Um, bad choice.

BUT what is interesting is that you sent her a link to the Kindle - and she got it for you. So the one gift you are happy with is the one you mentioned. Maybe she just needs guidance in what to get.

I often do this with DH - either send a link to something on line, or rip a page out of a magazine with a note saying "this might be good for Christmas/birthday". Then it magically appears. I think only twice in almost 20 years have I been surprised with a good gift - my eternity ring and Tiffany's necklace, although with both of those I got to chose what I wanted it was his idea.

I am rubbish at buying surprise presents for people unless I know that they like exactly the same things as I do. I also find present buying a chore. I wouldn't dream of buying anyone clothes or footwear because getting the right size is so important. I would welcome a new power washer as ours is broken. I like getting household gifts as well, so I must be odd. For my birthday I got a new food mixer and a new set of saucepans. I like cooking and I enjoy using good quality equipment to cook with.

I think you need to make it clear at Christmas and birthday time what sort of gifts you would like and what is unacceptable. If you have never said what you don't like no-one is going to know.

I think relationships are about more then grand gestures. It is not Christmas, Valentines Days, Anniversaries, Brithdays that make the relationship, it is the things that your partner does to show love to you every day.

We feel pressured by society to make some days extra special, and go all out, but we should be trying to make every day special, instead of being forced to buy things, we should be spontaneous when we see something we know the other person will like, or when we get inspiration to buy something, or when we see they need something and just buy it out of love. We shouldnt have to wait for an occassion to give gifts.

I see your points about 'presents for the house' (unless maybe DIY is your hobby), but it sounds like she got you lots of other stuff as well, including more personal presents. That's way more than DH and I ever get for each other, we usually just exchange a little token gift. Big piles of presents are for children IMO (and so is crying over not getting what you wanted).

I'm sorry you're upset, but tbh I'm having a difficult time empathising with the problem. Maybe it's more about the general state of your relationship and the feeling that she doesn't show you as much care and consideration as you do her?

Sometime this afternoon dh will propose a trip to local, jam-packed shopping centre. He will then ask me to tell him what I want for christmas. I have learned over the years not to bother too much about gifts for him, I spend time over others but just get him the computer game or similar I know he'd like. That why I'm not disappointed about yet another dvd or not-my-taste top.
It matters more if other areas of the relationship are bad - if it's only gift giving that is a disappointment you could cope with that, I hope?
Meant to say, attitude to present giving can be linked to how your own family was - dh's family very disinterested in birthdays, my family threw parties for us.

yabu. FFS you got a kindle, slippers, jumpers...all lovely. I'm getting a cheap bracelet this year. It's all we can afford and I chose it as DH is a bit crap at choosing...I'm really pleased he's gone out and got it and wrapped it. YABVU.

My dh keeps telling me that the bike I bought at the end of August was my main present so he has just done me a stocking this year ...

I fell out with my best friend after a lot of thoughtlessness topped off by a spectacularly thoughtless Xmas...

We had always put a lot of thought and effort into Christmas and generally into our friendship (friends for 10 years) it was never a money thing until suddenly she decided that the more expensive the gift was indicated how much a person loved her and started slagging off the gifts/effort made by others...I started to pull away from her at this point as my DH had been made redundant and felt she was not being particularly sensitive harping on about how embarrassing it is to try and be grateful for a cheap gift when you feel it is a slap in the face etc

Anyway...it got the the Christmas of 2010 and we were only just getting back on our feet and I was still blindly looking to my 'friend' as my closest friend and decided to buy her something that she would love that was not cheap....I got her a large bottle of her favourite perfume, a CD of a band we had been to see together that I knew she had wanted but didn't have and a DVD that I knew she would love...quite generic prezzies I agree but ones she would definitely love and get enjoyment out of...she bought me a gift set that had the label on (£3) and a pair of primark slipper socks...they were £2 as I had already bought some for myself for Xmas eve... The gift set was vile...something you would maybe buy for an old relative you don't like...I felt so hurt that she would openly slag off people who had the nerve to spend so little on her as it shows they don't care about her enough etc and she spend £5 on her supposed best friend...

All very trivial I know but after a lot of moaning that I put my DH and DD ahead of our friendship and going to fancy expensive restaurants to please her and eating a salad as I couldn't afford more it was like a veil had been lifted and I realised how much she actually valued me...I haven't seen her since 2nd jan 2011...

Now I'm not saying to now see your DP but maybe if you spoke up and said how much this upsets you then it will sort things out before it gets too far to fix....

some of you come across as avaricious,controlled.if you don't get given correct present
leaving lists/instructions of present you want?how vulgar.accept what your given graciously
get off your backside spend your own money on what you need want,rather than waiting in a partner to benevolently gift item you

I'm with you - I put a huge amount of thought into gifts and I'm hurt if I get a thoughtless present. My DH is in the "leave it to the last minute then panic" brigade. He'll often spend a lot of money on something I really don't want. The thing which often hurts is that he'll be asking me a few days before my birthday/Christmas what I want, and I'm thinking "what I want is for you to have given this some thought weeks ago".
I have given him wish lists but its' not the same, gifts should be something they've noticed you need, something they know you'll love or a lovely surprise. I gave a very specific request for my birthday which would have involved some effort on his part to arrange, and didn't get it. Makes me but he is in all other ways a great partner so just have to accept he doesn't attach the same importance to getting it right.

Befe - there are always people worse off than we are, pretty much no matter what. You can't look at life like that. You are entitled to feel loved and secure in your relationship and right now you don't - this has manifested itself in your Christmas gifts. You say 'I know she doesn't love me as much as she used to' - that's a bloody awful way to feel :(

I think that it would be good to use the time apart to think about your relationship - can it be good again or are you flogging a dead horse? You both have to want it - do you? Does she? If you know that she doesn't - then maybe you should take the bull by the horns and talk to her about splitting up - there is no point in prolonging a relationship that is in it's death throws, there really isn't. If, on the other hand, you do both really really want to be together - you need to talk because right now, it's not working for you - you are NOT happy :(

Big hugs
x

Thing is, you asked for and was given a Kindle. That's your main gift. I do'nt buy DH a selection of things, that's just adding to the pressure.

Perhaps for your birthday say "Would you like some ideas of things i'd like for my birthday or do you want to get surprises?" If she says "surprises" go out and buy coat and shoes and anything else you need/want yourself.