To be bloody fuming with SonIL's family over selfish xmas arrangements

[azarragye]

This could be long, sorry.

Basically this year it's DD1's husband's family's turn to host Christmas, we alternate between me doing it and SonIL's parents doing it, their turn this year. In previous years, it would be DD1 going to SonIL's with DGD, myself and DS, DD2 would go to her DP's that year and then she and DP would come to mine the year I hosted Christmas if that makes sense. DD2 and DP don't have any children, DD2 sadly found out earlier this year she can't have them due to a medical condition. DS is grown up but much younger than the DDs and single, so tends to spend Christmas with me and DD1, either at SonIL's parents or mine. Hope that makes sense so far!

DD2 and DP separated a few months ago very messily, exP became nasty once it was confirmed that DD2 couldn't have children and it ended badly. DD2 is suffering the effects of this, no official diognosis as I can't get her to the doctors but DD1, DS and I are worried about her, we're keeping an eye on it.

Since the separation, DD2 has been made legal guardian of a friend's daughter for various complicated reasons, she hasn't adopted her but this is the long-term aim, depending to a point on what happens in the next few months/year. I've been quite heavily involved with the little girl since DD2 is now effectively a single parent and she's a real sweetheart, fits in perfectly. DD2 was invited to SonIL's parents for Christmas as she obviously won't be going to exP's. DD1 asked her DP (SonIL) if her DD (friend's little girl, not official yet but going to be the easiest way to refer to her) could come too, he said that was fine.

Earlier in the month SonIL's father was taken ill with appendicitis and rushed to hospital, he's been back at home 5 days now and still recovering, it's a slow process due to his age but he's expected to make a full recovery. I offered to take over Christmas this year but SonIL's mother said no, she would be fine to do it at hers as long as we all helped out, which I was fine with as that's what happens anyway, if I end up doing more than usual at hers this year then that's fine, I don't mind at all.

So SonIL's mother has phoned today to say that she's thought about it, and actually she's happy to have the usual lot from my DD1's side of the family over and DD2, but not DD2's DD because she's 'not family.' I was absolutely furious, began explaining to her that actually she is, at which point she said she had to go and put the phone down on me So now wondering how on earth to play this one! Advice would be much appreciated.

Just a hunch but was it her suggestion that you all spend Xmas together at alternate houses? I wonder if she is one of "those" mothers but had found a clever way of having her son every year without having to share him?

She doesnt like sharing does she?

SonIL's mother apparently doesn't understand why I can't just send DD2 and her DD to DD2's dad's if I feel so strongly She and DD1 have been very close up until now, so she knows full well how worried we are about DD2 at the moment anyway, she knows I'm not about to send them off to her dad's (as good a dad as he is he doesn't see an awful lot of DD2 and doesn't know him so I'd rather be there if she needs me, IYSWIM).

Oh the fireworks are going to be awful Shipwrecked. But worth it

SonIL's mother apparently doesn't understand why I can't just send DD2 and her DD to DD2's dad's if I feel so strongly

In other words, SonIL's mother cant understand why you wont do exactly what she wants.

SonIL's mother has declared that DD2 is clearly only looking after this little girl out of desperation to have a child of her own, she can't get pregnant so she's going to make do with someone elses

That has got to the be one of the most disgusting things i've ever heard.

I'd like to be there if MIL said that to adoptive parents, it wouldnt be pretty, have a nice xmas without the toxic people.

It?s lovely your DD1 and SIL are being supportive.
Have a good Christmas - and try not to worry about repercussions as you?ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

Yup, adoption prejudice and as if that were not ugly enough, infertility prejudice as well. How awful suddenly to see such an unpleasant side of someone you presumably felt you knew and liked. It's all going to rebound on MIL though, isn't it?

I'm glad SonIL and DD1 are being supportive, and I wish you all a very good Christmas.

SonIL's mother apparently doesn't understand why I can't just send DD2 and her DD to DD2's dad's if I feel so strongly

But it is none of her business- it is not for her to organise your family for you!!! Glad that everyone has told her to get stuffed and they are all coming to you. I reckon you will have a much better time.

Glad you've agreed to host. From now on, I think you have to reduce these people's contact with your family, your "soon-to-be-GDD" doesn't need people like this in her life, sounds like she's already had a lot to deal with, you need to help protect her from any more shit.

It just disgusts me when some first has a dig at someones infertility (Hope shes not religious, god didnt want you to have children bullshit, ugh)

And then dig at someone for actually doing something that takes a big heart and alot of strength, not everyone could raise someone elses child, DD2 should have admiration and praise for doing it.

OMG it's worse than anyone imagined then!

What a disgusting excuse for a human being that woman is.

OP, I very much hope you have a lovely Christmas with your lovely family. Sounds like you're all good people and are better off away from the toxic influence.

Awful. Glad your other DD is coming to you. As for 'repercussions', they should be something for SonIL (who sounds like she should be leader of North Korea...) to worry about. She's the one who has refused a vulnerable child access to her house to spend Christmas with her new family. Pretty hard to come out of that looking good.

Not just me who though that then MrsFlibble!

I think it's lovely that DD2 has been given the chance to be a parent and she's giving a child a second chance at a loving and supportive family.

Glad to hear that DD1 and SonIL are being supportive too. I hope it doesn't make things too awkward for SonIL with the rest of his family though.

Wow, I'm literally open mouthed at the update. What an awful, spiteful, mean thing to say.

I hope you all have a wonderful, Merry Christmas at yours. And deal with the fall out in the new year

MrsFlibble oh yes, very religious, you can bet we'll be getting that one sooner or later and DD2's fragile at the moment as it is

I just can't understand where all this has come from- guessing it must stem back from the Christmas eve thing.

Good god. What difference does it make to this woman what arrangements re: children DD2 makes ? It's absolutely none of her business and doesn't affect her in any way at all ? Why the hell should she feel so strongly about it ?

Anyway, really pleased to read that you'll have all your family with you this Xmas - hope you have a great time!

Hopefully seeing her family rally around her, and "take her side" as it were will be a boost for her.

What a toxic woman. I feel sorry for SIL's father as he's recovering and will miss out seeing his son and family from his wife's despicable opinion. If she had a problem before when this was arranged months ago, she should have spoken up. Instead she's opted for 3 days before, after you've all given money (will she refund any back?), and hung up on you to make her point. Disgusting. But I bet you're so proud of your DD's and your SIL. Have a wonderful day with your DD's, SIL and GC's

Aza If she ever says that to you or your family, then the reply is God thought DD2 was special and loving, so a child will have a good life with us

Of course its all bullshit, your DD2 was unlucky with a complication, and now is doing an amazing thing by taking in a child, whos gonna get a good life with a loving parent.

MIL can fuck off into a religious, evil, prejudice pit.

My guess it is coming from a deep seated desire to be utterly conventional and to want to avoid anything that might indicate to others that her entire extended family is not 'perfect'.
Are there others coming that she might want to be painting the 'perfect family' picture for and make her want to airbrush out anyone who doesn't fit her bigoted view of what a family should look like?

What is it with some people? My MIL is religious but nearly passed out when I told her DH and I might adopt.

Azzaragye - sounds like you have handled this situation with sensitivity and grace. Please don't underestimate the importance of parents (you in this case) sticking up for their dc.

I am also heartened that the son of such a woman can see right from wrong and is making a stance. The future bodes well for dd2's girl with you lot behind her.

She has been fine all this time as everyone has done what she wanted, the second it didnt go her way she kicked off.

My MIL is exactly like this and as a result, her son (my DH) has not seen or spoken to her in 3 years and wont again he says. You reap what you sow.

Sorry - just read The 'religious' update. Shall I PM some biblical verses supporting adoption for you to throw back in her teeth when the blowout starts!?

I am actually v angry just reading this thread. Just as angry with the GP's in presents for 3 children not the adopted 4th thread. How can anyone be so heartless and vile!

It's nice to be on a thread where the relatives, to a person, have done the right thing in standing up to MIL

What an awful women