To be bloody fuming with SonIL's family over selfish xmas arrangements

[azarragye]

This could be long, sorry.

Basically this year it's DD1's husband's family's turn to host Christmas, we alternate between me doing it and SonIL's parents doing it, their turn this year. In previous years, it would be DD1 going to SonIL's with DGD, myself and DS, DD2 would go to her DP's that year and then she and DP would come to mine the year I hosted Christmas if that makes sense. DD2 and DP don't have any children, DD2 sadly found out earlier this year she can't have them due to a medical condition. DS is grown up but much younger than the DDs and single, so tends to spend Christmas with me and DD1, either at SonIL's parents or mine. Hope that makes sense so far!

DD2 and DP separated a few months ago very messily, exP became nasty once it was confirmed that DD2 couldn't have children and it ended badly. DD2 is suffering the effects of this, no official diognosis as I can't get her to the doctors but DD1, DS and I are worried about her, we're keeping an eye on it.

Since the separation, DD2 has been made legal guardian of a friend's daughter for various complicated reasons, she hasn't adopted her but this is the long-term aim, depending to a point on what happens in the next few months/year. I've been quite heavily involved with the little girl since DD2 is now effectively a single parent and she's a real sweetheart, fits in perfectly. DD2 was invited to SonIL's parents for Christmas as she obviously won't be going to exP's. DD1 asked her DP (SonIL) if her DD (friend's little girl, not official yet but going to be the easiest way to refer to her) could come too, he said that was fine.

Earlier in the month SonIL's father was taken ill with appendicitis and rushed to hospital, he's been back at home 5 days now and still recovering, it's a slow process due to his age but he's expected to make a full recovery. I offered to take over Christmas this year but SonIL's mother said no, she would be fine to do it at hers as long as we all helped out, which I was fine with as that's what happens anyway, if I end up doing more than usual at hers this year then that's fine, I don't mind at all.

So SonIL's mother has phoned today to say that she's thought about it, and actually she's happy to have the usual lot from my DD1's side of the family over and DD2, but not DD2's DD because she's 'not family.' I was absolutely furious, began explaining to her that actually she is, at which point she said she had to go and put the phone down on me So now wondering how on earth to play this one! Advice would be much appreciated.

"where else does she think the little one can go"

erm, her parents?

I reckon she excluded the child because she could use the excuse "not family", whereas she could not find an excuse to exclude the other addition (dd2) that OP asked her to include. Too proud to say "sorry, it is too much for me".

I'd have my own Christmas at home with DD2 and the child and let the other adults decide what to do and where to go without pressure.
I'm also being very dim, but I don't get the massively out of pocket bit? Surely you just eat up the food over however many days if you don't host a big Christmas lunch and you were expecting to?
Our January menus can be very odd as a consequence, but no food is wasted.

Where's the OP?

I agree santa.

No child would be away from their birth family at Xmas without good reason, even if it is as simple as illness.

Gold you are assuming a level of stupidity on the part of the MIL that you think she thinks that the child is just tagging along for something to do.

I could never exclude a child at Christmas, family or not, and she sounds utterly vile to even consider it. And as for your excuse of her not knowing how to univite the adults is laughable. Far easier to say "it's a bit out of hand and I dont think FIL will cope after his op, so can we just have DD1 and her DP this year?"

No one would have an issue with that, but uninviting a child that has nowhere else to go is just disgusting and I wouldnt have the woman in my house ever again.

It is horribly unkind to exclude this poor little child. But maybe it is time the Christmas invitation arrangements were complete re-organised. And made much less complicated.

I can have a lot of sympathy for an older woman, a bit wobbly herself after her husband's surgery feeling that the Christmas entertaining is getting too much. But to uninvite a child is a miserable response - given all the help that is being offered it's not even a necessary response.

And given that it is extraordinarily odd for a child not to spend Christmas with her/his own parents, how blinkered must the MIL be not to think that there is some painful backstory. I mean really, how many people randomly take their friend's children away from the child's family to somewhere else for Christmas?! And even if the MIL doesn't know the backstory why not ask her own son and DIL?

You said DD1 asked SonIL not her MIL - is it possible SonIL has only just mentioned to his DM that the little girl would be there also?

Blimey. What complicated Christmas arrangements. What are you dong going to the other inlaws? Are you in an episode of Gavin and Stacey? Have your own Christmas, OP. Illness and operations can be overwhelming and all-consuming for elderly folk. Bow out graciously. They will thank you for it.

Thank you so much everyone for your responses, just having a read through and then I'll try and answer your questions. Sorry, I know it is very complicated!

It isn't complicated though. 2 families brought together by marriage. You are just extending the guest list from one fmaily goes to one to both sets of parents, children, grandchildren celebrate together.

Not once have I spent Christmas with my parents. It is a pretty big deal for a child not to be "at home" then.

All the adults going have chipped in financially as we do every year, including DD2 who doesn't normally go to SonIL's parents.

The added complication is that myself, DD1 and SonIL and their 2DCs, DD2 and DS have all already opted out of annual drinks and nibbles at SonIL's parents on Christmas Eve as it's DD2's little girl's birthday- we're going out for the day to do family stuff with her :) So SonIL's mother is already put out with us over that, not going for Christmas could well be the last straw. But obviously DD2 and I won't be going as her little girl isn't welcome.

SonIL's mother has declared we have two options:
A) DD2's little girl goes to her bio mother's/bio family's (NOT an option)
or B) she goes to my DC's dad's (we are divorced but still friends) TBH his family would probably welcome DD2's little girl with open arms, but she barely knows him let alone his family, and DD2 would feel awful about the two of them imposing on him at the last minute.

So not really options at all! Still working through the thread :)

I think that the MIL is stressed and is looking for a reason not to host Christmas. The fact that she was so rude to you suggest that she almost wants to create problems so that she will not have to host Chritmas. I would tread carefully and would get your sonil to speak to her.

Quint - I do understand the point you are making, but as the person who does the vast majority of the Christmas food, I don't think that excluding this little girl, or even the little girl and the OP's dd2, will actually make any noticeable difference in the amount of work that the hostess will have to do.

And it sounds as if the OP and her dd1's in-laws know each other well enough for them to say to the OP, 'Look, I am really struggling at the moment, what with dh's convalescence and all the work for Christmas - and the extra guests are the final straw - could you help by doing X, Y orZ? Or could we make different arrangements this year? So sorry to do this at such short notice.'

If she's doing chrustmas eve drinks and nibbles as well as the big day, it sure doesn't sound like she's some frail old lady struggling under the strain of it all.

Her dictatorial "you have two options" for the sake of not hosting one small girl us also very unfriendly.

I therefore conclude that a) YANBU, b) MIL is a cunt, c) you should host your own Christmas and let your dd1 and SIL know that they're free to attend if they wish, d) ask the cunt MIL to refund your chippings in and e) not worry a jot about the jointage of her nose. What a fucking bitch!

Sounds like she is punishing the little girl for "ruining" her Xmas Eve by uninviting her.

She sounds like an utter bitch and I would be letting her know exactly what I thought of her.

DD1 and SonIL and their 2DCs, DD2 and DS have all already opted out of annual drinks and nibbles at SonIL's parents on Christmas Eve as it's DD2's little girl's birthday- we're going out for the day to do family stuff with her

Is this why she is against the DC being there - as her birthday has messed up the plans?

I'm not sure if you should be bothered by the last straw - my and DH family met once at the wedding - ask vaguely about each other out of politeness and it affects no-one adversely.

I think hosting Christmas at your house is the way to go? but talk to your DD1 first as she is the one who might have to take the brunt of things as they are her ILs.

X-post Sugar, she sounds vile, to punish a little girl who has already had a traumatic time for having the temerity to have been born on the day of her annual "drinks and nibbles" party! Which btw, sounds fecking joyless, anything that has the word "nibbles" attached to it will not be good ime :o

Gold SonIL's parents have known DD2 and her DD were coming since October, plus 2 family members on their side who normally go to theirs when they're hosting are going elsewhere this year at the last minute, so they would actually be catering for less than they planned even if they have DD2's daughter. The arrangement we have with myself and DS going to theirs and then them coming to ours the next year has been going for 6 years, so not as if they weren't planning for it. SonIL's mother is well aware of the background with DD2's daughter and knows she will not be going back to her bio family in the forseeable future.

SonIL isn't impressed.

Two other children going, SonIL and DD1's DCs, aged 3 and 7 months. DD2's DD is 7, she sees a lot of the younger ones and is really good with them. So having DD2's DD really isn't a problem

Will you be asking for a refund Aza? :o

oooh...evil thought....perhaps you could fake a homemade card from your DD2's DD to the outlaws wishing them a merry Xmas with lots of love and kisses?

Well it's difficult to know what is going on. But this woman just sounds as if she doesn't like change. I am being charitable! I don't think there is any other solution but to make your own decision and stay at home with your DD2 the little girl and your son and whoever else wants to join you. This Christmas business does get out of hand. I've heard quite a bit of this who goes where and who doesn't go over the years.

I think you should get the last 2 posts deleted. It is a very unusual name and it would be vv easy for the MIL/birth family to find this thread.

Have reported for you.

You might want to think about asking MN to remove her name OP. it's beautiful but unusual, and it maybe shouldn't be posted on an Internet forum as big as this.

Ok, Yanbu. The fact that other young children will be their finalises it for me.