To be bloody fuming with SonIL's family over selfish xmas arrangements

[azarragye]

This could be long, sorry.

Basically this year it's DD1's husband's family's turn to host Christmas, we alternate between me doing it and SonIL's parents doing it, their turn this year. In previous years, it would be DD1 going to SonIL's with DGD, myself and DS, DD2 would go to her DP's that year and then she and DP would come to mine the year I hosted Christmas if that makes sense. DD2 and DP don't have any children, DD2 sadly found out earlier this year she can't have them due to a medical condition. DS is grown up but much younger than the DDs and single, so tends to spend Christmas with me and DD1, either at SonIL's parents or mine. Hope that makes sense so far!

DD2 and DP separated a few months ago very messily, exP became nasty once it was confirmed that DD2 couldn't have children and it ended badly. DD2 is suffering the effects of this, no official diognosis as I can't get her to the doctors but DD1, DS and I are worried about her, we're keeping an eye on it.

Since the separation, DD2 has been made legal guardian of a friend's daughter for various complicated reasons, she hasn't adopted her but this is the long-term aim, depending to a point on what happens in the next few months/year. I've been quite heavily involved with the little girl since DD2 is now effectively a single parent and she's a real sweetheart, fits in perfectly. DD2 was invited to SonIL's parents for Christmas as she obviously won't be going to exP's. DD1 asked her DP (SonIL) if her DD (friend's little girl, not official yet but going to be the easiest way to refer to her) could come too, he said that was fine.

Earlier in the month SonIL's father was taken ill with appendicitis and rushed to hospital, he's been back at home 5 days now and still recovering, it's a slow process due to his age but he's expected to make a full recovery. I offered to take over Christmas this year but SonIL's mother said no, she would be fine to do it at hers as long as we all helped out, which I was fine with as that's what happens anyway, if I end up doing more than usual at hers this year then that's fine, I don't mind at all.

So SonIL's mother has phoned today to say that she's thought about it, and actually she's happy to have the usual lot from my DD1's side of the family over and DD2, but not DD2's DD because she's 'not family.' I was absolutely furious, began explaining to her that actually she is, at which point she said she had to go and put the phone down on me So now wondering how on earth to play this one! Advice would be much appreciated.

Have Xmas at yours for ds, dd2 and the little one. I would just say to the other family that as you obviously cannot leave the child home alone you will have to pull out. Be nice about it and leave them to it.

Gold are you the other MIL?

Doesn't matter what you think is "normal," Gold. This is what the OP's family/inlaws have done and presumably it has worked very well previously.

Is your dd2 foster child the only child going? If so I think your sons in laws have just realised that doing Christmas, especially with a child around a presumly unchild proof house, after the fil being ill is just to much for them. I guess it depends on how old this child is though. They shouldn't just be excluding the child though, I think that's mean, they need to be honest with you. Just do Christmas round yours instead, inviting the in laws if they want to. I think you need to be the better person in this and show an united front that this child is part of your family. Where are they expecting her to go anyway?

I understand what you're saying Gold, but it doesn't come near to being a decent enough reason to exclude a child in those circumstances.

She had a way out, she chose not to take it. And she has apparently said she won't have the little girl there because she's not family, not because she can't cope. Whether or not she has told the truth about that is neither here nor there, as what she actually said is unforgivable. It sounds like it could be adoption prejudice at play which sadly happens in some families.

The fact is, if this really was a case of not being able to face catering for a large amount of people, there is no logic in simply disinviting a child. It just doesn't make sense.

If you want to see the silver lining in this, OP, it's that you have found out what a horror this woman is before you have to spend Christmas with her again. I feel extremely sorry for your DD having this woman as a MIL.

Gold I cannot have sympathy for a woman who has excluded a child from a family Christmas with the justification she's "not family," no matter what her circumstances.

I wouldn't ring her
Just tell dd1 that you'll have the family round hers

Fairyegg, I think the OP's DD1 has a child who is also going.

Did the MIL suggest what the foster DD was to do while her guardian was at MIL's?!

Sorry, I honestly can not see how having one little girl there makes any difference! She won't eat much, and what she does eat would probably have been cooked anyhow!

I had surgery on Tuesday, I am doing Christmas dinner! The OP isn't asking the elderley man to cook the meal, no doubt with all those adults there, they would have pitched in! The woman is being a mean spirited old hag! All this "she's not family" business might bite her really hard on the arse one day!

i agree mrselletow

i have never once seen empty dishes after xmas dinner. there is always leftover food. unless the woman has meal planned right down to exact portions then there is likely to be enough food and it wont be extra cooking involved. literally setting ine more plate, knife and fork on the table. if it is about the extra food then all she had to do was ask OP to bring extra with her. she ahs already asked her to help out so i would imagine she isn't too shy to ask for her to chip in with food. and if she was then how come she isn't to shy to say the child isn't family? i know which i'd feel worse about doing.

Some people are prejudiced about adoptees unfortunately - there's another thread about it on the board just now. So what you do now will kind of set the tone for the rest of that wee girl's life within your family.

Call your dd1 and tell her that as the dd is now not invited, of course you, dd2, her dd and your DS are having Christmas at home. No need to make a fuss or song and dance, but you need to establish the adopted dd's position in your family now. She is your family and anyone who can't accept that can fuck off to the far side of fuck.

And get to Asda!

Or maybe the OP should not have put the hostess in this position by first asking for ONE more guest to be included, and then another guest? The final guest may be a child, but MIL might think the little girl could spend Christmas with her own mum, and she might not know the circumstances.

I dont think the MIL is cruel at all. Thoughtless maybe, but not cruel. I think she is between a rock and a hard place, with her elderly husband recovering.

It might have been her "out" when op suggested she could host Christmas, but she might not have realized

1. That her husband would take so long to recover
2. That she would be expected to host for one more adult than normal
3. That she would be expected to also host another child.

I am sorry, but she has my sympathy.

I think MIL has just been hit by the realisation of what she is taking on, bearing in mind the recovering husbands, and panicked.
Is she aware of the exact situation that DD2 is in and that the little girl has nowhere else to go? Saying she is not family is not on but she might have the impression that the little girl has her own family to go to.

All depends on how much MIL really knows about DD2's situation and if she said it in spite or if it was just a desperate (ill thought out) excuse.

I would wager all the people making excuses for the hostess are off the mark; she doesn't want the child there because she is being fostered. And she won't want her there even when she's adopted. My DD is adopted and members of my family (thankfully only a couple) have made it clear she's not considered family.

Fuck 'em (first time I've sworn on MN

OP - I wouldn't kick off about this, I'd just arrange to have a lovely Xmas at home with your DD2, her DD and your DS. Hopefully next year you'll be joined by DD1 and her DP - and the little girl will officially be your granddaughter.

Like I said, I understand what you're saying Gold, but that woman won't get an ounce of sympathy from me in light of the fact that she verbalised the idea of excluding a child because she's 'not family'.

Bloody disgusting.

I am sorry, but I think that to the MIL this is just any child, a child who could spend Christmas with her own parents! I am guessing the MIL does not realize what is going on. I may be wrong.

IF the MIL knows that this child will soon be adopted by DD2 because her own mum is not coping/dying/a dopehead or whatever, THEN she is in the wrong to exclude her. But, not if she just thinks that dd2 is taking the piss dragging along her friends daughter.

Don't you think that the MIL should know that the child would be going to her "real mother's" for Christmas if she could and the fact she will be with the OP's family is because she can't?

Is this a reverse AIBU?

If she's overwhelmed she can ask for help. If its too much she could have uninvited the dd2, but she didnt. She uninvited a child.

JustFab, I dont know.

But how is MIL to know? MIL does not really know dd2, though, does she, as dd2 does not normally spend Christmas with them? To her dd2 might be a stranger, and she might not consider the set up too much. I think I too might find it too much to include a stranger in my family Christmas, and toe my hands even more if I am asked if this stranger could bring her friends daughter. She might just not understand the full scenario here.

ooh, maybe the other MIL planned this knowing that OP, her DD2 and the young DD would pull out so she had fewer to cater for.

She doesn't have mine, of all the options to choose, she chose to say the CHILD could not come? Bizarre. Extra adults are a lot more trouble than a child. She'd be bettter to say soryy actually she just can't cope with it all this year if that is the real problem but tbh, it doesn't sound like that is the problem.

If I was the op, I'd speak to the dd and the SonIL and see what they make of it and let the sonIL maybe take it up with his mum.

I suppose it depends how the good the relatuionships are. But you probably need to plan on making your own christmas

She might just find Christmas too much, and with the set back of nursing her elderly husband after surgery, and catering for two more might be too much.

When my dh had his appendix out a few years ago, he took months to be himself again, and he is a fit and healthy young man.

When I had my appendix out, it took several weeks before I could even walk straight, let alone lift anything. And I was just 19, and very fit and strong.

It does sound like DD1's MIL has a lot on her plate and maybe she just can't cope with so many people.

But to exclude a child is cruel, and to announce this three days before Christmas is stupid - where else does she think this little one can go?

YANBU.

What do your DD1 and her DP think?

i think if someone asked me if they could bring along a child that wasn't theirs to xmas dinner i'd think there would be a pretty good reason the child wasn't at their own house/with their own parents for xmas dinner. it's not as if it's tagging along for a day out shopping.