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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give ds one of his hoped for presents because his behaviour has been awful?

70 replies

Feelingunfestive · 22/12/2012 16:47

Ds is 3.6. He has always been difficult but the last few weeks he has just been pushing the boundaries all the time. He does something and then says sorry and thinks that's ok. I've tried time outs, removing toys, removing tv time, naughty step, working towards rewards, giving stickers etc and not much makes any difference. He is just difficult, stubborn and extremely extremely aggressive. In fact he is getting more aggressive all the time. Extremely rough and aggressive play which has hasn't learnt from anywhere, he just seems to be programmed to do it.
This afternoon he broke a Christmas ornament at my parent's house despite being told not to play with it, threw his shoes at me, smacked my dad (his grandad) and lay on the floor and screamed with temper when told not to bounce on the sofa.
I just don't know what to do with him. I don't especially like him and just worry he is going to be one of "those" kids. Always in trouble at school, no friends as everyone fed up of him pushing and snatching. He is huge for his age as well which doesn't help as he isn't aware of his own strength.

I feel like cancelling Christmas tbh, which is unreasonable I know. I honestly feel like taking down the tree and saying Santa isn't coming because of your behaviour. I won't, because I know logically it would be over the top, but I'd like to. Instead I am thinking about holding back one of this main gifts from Santa that he has asked for (he could have it at his birthday instead) because I do feel that he doesn't really deserve to be rewarded at Christmas time when his behaviour has been so awful. Wibu to do that? He'd still have other stuff but surely he is now old enough to understand consequences.

OP posts:
DoesntTurkeyNSproutSoupDragOn · 22/12/2012 16:51

At his age, no I probably wouldn't. I also have a Challenging Child and have been seriously tempted to withhold presents.

I don't think he'd make the connection between the hoped for gift and his behaviour. Unless he has been promised the gift, he doesn't know it was coming and thus won't realise he is being punished.

DoesntTurkeyNSproutSoupDragOn · 22/12/2012 16:52

Have you asked in the parenting topic for suggestions on how to manage his behaviour or things to try to improve it?

helpyourself · 22/12/2012 16:53

Bad idea. Have you already made the connection between Santa and being good?
He's probably overtired and overexcited, calm it all down, enjoy Christmas and expect good behaviour on your own terms not as a tool for bribery.

LIZS · 22/12/2012 16:53

yabu but only because he won't associate his bad behaviour today with being deprived of a gift on Tuesday. If he doesn't know he is getting it he won't feel the impact anyway.

Talk to his preschool and ask if he needs stronger boundaries which you can agree and work to the same reward system or if it is beyond the nrom for his age and perhaps needs a referral if only to rule out udnerlyign issues..

MrsKeithRichards · 22/12/2012 16:53

You're trying to much I'd say, pick on technique and stick to it.

helpyourself · 22/12/2012 16:55

This age and this time of year are really hard. Get out as much as possible, out fresh air out, not sitting in gps house out!

Original poster
Feelingunfestive · 22/12/2012 16:57

I've tried these things over quite a while, not all at once. He just isn't bothered.

I will try the behaviour forum, I have posted there before but under a different name. I know he is hyped up and excited which doesn't help but I'm just so fed up of him. Everything is a battle. He's just been lying next to my dh and suddenly out of nowhere wiped his nose on my dh's face and said "ha ha I've wiped snot all over you."
It's just like this all the time. Low level and high level misbehaviour. I know the above sounds funny but when it's constant it gets very very wearing.

OP posts:
Whoknowswhocares · 22/12/2012 16:57

Let him have the toy. Take it away if he misbehaves......keep it (and any other xmas toys) for several days. Then let him earn one back each day with good behaviour

Keep it in sight but out of reach!!Xmas Grin

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 22/12/2012 16:58

YABU. I say that only because he is too young to understand fully. I agree with MrsKeithRichards - stick to one technique.

I would also raise the matter at preschool and get some assistance of some sort from them.

I hope you have a good enough Christmas!

BumpingFuglies · 22/12/2012 16:59

You could do it but it won't make a blind bit of difference at his age. Sympathise with you though x

ViperInTheManger · 22/12/2012 17:00

I think it is only a punishment if he knows that he has "lost" that present and understands why. We managed to get my two to behave by the constant reminder that santa and his helpers were checking who was good and who was naughty for years!

I agree, from what you say, you need to find something that works to improve his behaviour but only you know if your son will understand and be motivated by this punishment.

hermioneweasley · 22/12/2012 17:01

At this age it is far too big a gap between the behaviour and Santa coming to make the connection. I'd suggest looking into some parenting techniques if you're not happy with how things are going.

My DS is very active and if we didn't get him out every day he was challenging. Does he get lots of physical activity outside daily?

exoticfruits · 22/12/2012 17:03

As people say- he simply won't get the connection. Why not try parenting classes? I found them very good.

flyingspaghettimonster · 22/12/2012 17:04

You don't especially like him, or the behaviour? :(

I have two boys... First one took three years to get out of the terrible twos. I found it so tough to cope with. Now he is a lovely kid though. Second son is same age as yours. He is also testing boundaries and being more aggressive. A family friend is a child psychiatrist and says it is absolutely normal behaviour at this age though they don't know why. It was previously thought to be an increase in testosterone during growth spurts, but apparently there is no significant increase. So just a new awakening awareness of rules and boundaries and a push for limits and guidance. Just stick to a regular punishment system - time out or no tv or what have you. Keep it the same. I wouldn't use Christmas gift withholding as a punishment personally at that age. You could have Santa write him a letter - I did a poem from Santa one year for.my older boy saying he was on the naughty list and offering ways he could work to make the good list by xmas. Which he did.

MrsMiniversCharlady · 22/12/2012 17:04

He's 3. None of the behaviour you've described sounds unusual from a child of this age, particularly at this time of year. I can well imagine one of mine doing the nose-wiping thing at that age. They key IMO is to keep them busy, distraction from bad behaviour, plenty of early nights and managing your own expectations of what is realistic to expect from a child of this age.

My eldest was a complete nightmare at that age, seriously used to drive me up the wall, reduced me to tears on a regular basis Sad I look back and just wish I'd chilled out a bit. He's 13 now and lovely (I expect he'll revert to toddler behaviour in the next year or two Grin)

shellyf · 22/12/2012 17:05

If you"don't especially like him" I think you really need to seek some RL support.Try GP or Health Visitor.

Whoknowswhocares · 22/12/2012 17:10

Oh I well remember feeling I didn't especially like my boys after a fraught day!

Go in and look at him once he's asleep. If you still don't like him then maybe you ought to chat with someone, but if you are anything like I was, it's a stress reaction and you will feel differently when he's angelicly peaceful

strumpetpumpkin · 22/12/2012 17:12

hes too young. None of those things are big deals. Ofc you need to be consistent so he knows its wrong, but dont take it so personally. Hes just being his age, which is very young.

Smudging · 22/12/2012 17:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

insancerre · 22/12/2012 17:25

Try some positive parenting techniques- 'catch' him being good and praise him for it and try to ignore the bad behaviour.
Praise him for doing something before he actually does it- 'thank you for being a good boy and picking up your toys'
spend some time together, even if it is only 30 minutes a week, just you and him where he gets your undivided attention and do something fun together
make sure he gets to go outside every day- physical activity outside really will help with some of his energy- he sounds a bit like a coiled spring Grin
and remember, it's his behaviour you don't like, not him
good luck

MulledPinot · 22/12/2012 17:25

It's Christmas. Give him the toy FFS.

If you don't, you are being utterly cuntish.

Allonsy · 22/12/2012 17:26

Op when you have a very difficult child feeling like you dont very much like them is normal, i feel like that often with ds1 but of course i love him to bits. He was very much like your ds at 3 and i was frequently in tears and ds was without your dc's level of speech which made understanding his behaviour even harder. Hes almost 7 now and we now know he has problems with sensory processing which explains a few things, he still finds it hillarious to wipe snot on you and tried licking me in the supermarket earlier! i often feel like running away and crying somewhere.

I also feel like withholding his christmas presents especially after a day like today but of course i would never do it, its christmas after all and ds simply wouldnt get the connection to make it a good consequence.

BerryChristmas · 22/12/2012 17:29

*MulledPinot" - so you reward bad behaviour, do you?

And she's not being 'cuntish' - she is just desperate. Stop being personal to the OP.

MulledPinot · 22/12/2012 17:31

It was my opinion.

HTH.

BerryChristmas · 22/12/2012 17:35

HTH ?? No, it doesn't help the OP at all.