To not give ds one of his hoped for presents because his behaviour has been awful?

[Feelingunfestive]

Ds is 3.6. He has always been difficult but the last few weeks he has just been pushing the boundaries all the time. He does something and then says sorry and thinks that's ok. I've tried time outs, removing toys, removing tv time, naughty step, working towards rewards, giving stickers etc and not much makes any difference. He is just difficult, stubborn and extremely extremely aggressive. In fact he is getting more aggressive all the time. Extremely rough and aggressive play which has hasn't learnt from anywhere, he just seems to be programmed to do it.
This afternoon he broke a Christmas ornament at my parent's house despite being told not to play with it, threw his shoes at me, smacked my dad (his grandad) and lay on the floor and screamed with temper when told not to bounce on the sofa.
I just don't know what to do with him. I don't especially like him and just worry he is going to be one of "those" kids. Always in trouble at school, no friends as everyone fed up of him pushing and snatching. He is huge for his age as well which doesn't help as he isn't aware of his own strength.

I feel like cancelling Christmas tbh, which is unreasonable I know. I honestly feel like taking down the tree and saying Santa isn't coming because of your behaviour. I won't, because I know logically it would be over the top, but I'd like to. Instead I am thinking about holding back one of this main gifts from Santa that he has asked for (he could have it at his birthday instead) because I do feel that he doesn't really deserve to be rewarded at Christmas time when his behaviour has been so awful. Wibu to do that? He'd still have other stuff but surely he is now old enough to understand consequences.

When he wants to play imaginatively, is he happy to go with the flow or is he dictating play with you? Does he play imaginatively with other children?

How is his empathy? You say he understands things are wrong to do and apologises. Is it that he doesn't grasp how his behaviour makes others feel? That's usually what makes other kids stop - they care about the other people's feelings.

He sounds a lot like my DS. The large vocab, not a good sleeper, demanding and full on, easily overstimulated in certain environments, meltdowns when other kids enjoying place/activity, gets on better with adults, little interest in peers at nursery, not as fussed with toys, food issues, took a LONG time to settle in nursery.

Have you considered the possibility of ODD?

www.netdoctor.co.uk/adhd/oppositionaldefiantdisorders.htm

I tried him twice and he was hysterical when I fetched him. Making himself sick hysterical. Then he started to get hysterical about going to nursery in case he had to have lunch so I dropped it back and fetch him earlier. He has started to now eat snack at least which is progress so I may try again now he is more settled. At first hr wouldn't even touch the plate at snack time. Now he will eat the fruit or yoghurt or whatever it is.
He panics that he will get into trouble if he doesn't eat something and winds himself up.

He plays well with friend's children who he has known a while but finds large groups of children overwhelming so either withdraws or becomes manic.

I think empathy is generally good, certainly it is when talking about how characters feels in stories and if his own friends are sad for any reason he wil
Hug them and try and give them a toy or something to cheer them up.

He dictates the imaginary play and won't adapt it very easily from his chosen scenario. Somedays he takes on a role and stays in it all day. Today he's been a baby giraffe and has been eating leaves. He has refused to eat any meat because giraffes are "herbivores"

I had wondered about ODD but don't know much about it. Except it involves the child wanting to control everything, which does apply.

He is very determined and unbelievably competitive. Unbelievably. And very easily frustrated if something isn't perfect or how he wanted it to be.

your has your ds "calmed down" now for want of a better phrase??

It's hard, but there is a testosterone surge boys go through around age 4, and maybe this is what's happening here. Do your best to dissociate the boy from the behaviour, be as constant as you can with him, and of that means having a private cry once you've got him to bed then I'm sure we've all done that

But Christmas is Christmas, and this it's probably the first he'll remember into adulthood, as permanent memories form from about 3 or so. So give yourself a break, give him the present he wanted, and then if he's horrible you've got something to threaten temporary removal of that he might just take notice of...

His dad has NEVER in 3.6 years done the bedtime/bath time? Wtaf???????

Why not? Sounds like you need a break. You need to make DH to take his share of the trials of parenthood!

ODD fits DS2 to a tee. I think there was only one criteria he didn't meet. It did change how I view him a bit (ie not just a brat!)

I know what you mean about not liking him. Sometimes I don't like DS2. I do love him to bits though, there is a difference between the two.

He is nearly 12 now and things have improved although they are not perfect. No punishment/reward technique ever worked with him either: he seemed determined to prove that he didn't care.

Ignore the "cuntish" comment. Only one person is showing unhelpful cuntish behaviour there.

I think there are a few problems going on here OP. The first is that you're tired and stressed. That would make it difficult to deal with the most compliant child. Is there any possibility of your DH or anyone else taking over at least part of the day/night to give you a break? Does your DH work long hours?

The second problem is that you have a fixed idea about how your DS should be and he doesn't fit with that idea which is causing constant conflict between the two of you. Even a child that young, especially one as bright as your DS, will instinctively know that they don't "fit".

He sounds like a complicated character but a lot of what you describe seems like genuine difficulties with dealing with the world rather than "naughtiness." You need to work on accepting him for how he is, and accommodating his problems rather than getting angry about them. Don't pigeonhole him as a "difficult child" - he is just as wonderful and lovely as any other child, he just struggles a bit with everyday life, the same as he would if had any other difficulty such as a physical disability. If he had a sight impairment, for example, you would factor that into how you relate to him and wouldn't expect behaviour beyond his abilities. He doesn't have a sight impairment, he has problems dealing with boundaries, he has food issues and he has sleep problems. That would be hard for a grown adult to deal with but for 3 year old child it's near impossible - he needs a lot of support from you. Ok, he isn't perfect, but no person is. Some children need extra help to get through difficult years. He will hit an age where the world suits him better and he will improve, but in the meantime please be so careful not to put him a certain "naughty" box that he can never escape from. There are plenty of adults who are still seen by their parents as "difficult" despite being nothing of the sort and I strongly believe it starts like this - there is a prolonged period of difficulty and the parents sort of shuts down and pushes the child out (which seems to be happening with you as you are ending up not liking your own son) and they never get back from it.

Oh, now the rest of the thread's turned up (refresh on this app's a bit rubbish) yes, I'd agree he sounds more intelligent than most, and that might go with the problem with unfamiliar groups he has.

Tell us something cute about him - I'm sure you've got a few stories

He's 3 FFS!
And you don't particularly like him?
As for the snot on your DH's face, that wasn't bad behaviour , it was just a little one having a sense of humour.
Look forward to all the silly poo and snot jokes, 3 year old boys and older think that's funny, bless them.
He sounds like a normal child to me.

I see brightness has been mentioned. DS2 is incredibly bright (school reports, SATS and secondary entrance exams support this). However, he is emotionally immature although this has obviously improved with time. He does not handle disappointment well. When he was younger, the disparity between intelligence and emotional maturity did not go well together.

Ok, have just read entire thread and here is my tuppenceworth. Though someone else might have touched on it but seems not.

OP you say he always says 'sorry'. In my experience many parrntscare keen to teach their children to say sorry, which if done properly is absolutely great. Often however chikdrrb dies something, parent says ' say sorry'. Child learns he/she can do anything they please as long as they say sorry.

The bit that is often forgotten ( and I'm not saying you have, just something ibthink about) is teaching the child what sorry actually means. I.e 'I feel bad that I did that and I won't do it again'

At 3 i'm not sure he understand sorryand naybe you can help him to more understand what it means and when it is appropriate to say it. Sorry if you already do this.

Does your DH do rough housing with him? This is very important for little boys. Physical play with boundaries so he learns how to control himself and get energy out.

Doesn't work if it's mum - has to be male apparently (my ds is similar to yours - I was given the advice by my preschool)

We use timeout for severe transgressions. It has to be a very strict technique - a warning. Then timeout if he does it again - I tell him why he's in timeout and how long for. Then when time is up, ask him why and ask him what he should do instead. If he doesn't know, I tell him and all done.

You sound very negative about him - it will create a cycle - you act negative ("don't do this, leave it, stop it"), he reacts negatively and so on. I do it when I'm fed up. If I make a real effort to be positive - tell ds what he should do, give him tasks and praise him - it becomes easier. Takes effort and tongue biting but it works.

Also check he can hear you. Get to his level and keep it simple. They genuinely cannot hear you sometimes as too focused on something else.

Get him outside in all weather. I only stay in for thunderstorms otherwise we get out every day.

My ds is 3.4 and a lovely but incredible energetic boy. However when we channel it and get it right, he is such a joy I could explode.

Part of it, for me, is accepting that he needs to run about and let of steam, scream and shout. If he gets that he will sit still and behave beautiful when necessary.

He just sounds like a normal 3 year old boy. Really normal. The episodes you describe sound just par for the course at that age. The snot episode just sounds hilarious. Its the sort of think my dd does we just find it really funny (and believe me we have the slapping/headbutting etc episodes as well)
The issue seems to be that you aren't coping at all. Do you have family that can help you? Is it worth seeing your GP? Its very sad that you don't feel like you like your ds, and if he's picking up on that, which he probably is, that will affect his behaviour as well.
You sound as though you think he should be sat quietly reading Proust. And its really sad that you are thinking of not giving him a xmas present. He's 3 FFS.
The parenting classes sound like a good idea, are there any close by you could go to?