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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let dd go to a birthday party, as a punishment?

64 replies

IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog · 21/12/2012 20:17

Feel really mean but she's been very naughty and in the heat of it I've told her she can't go. She's six.

Basically she's taken a pair of scissors to her little sister and hacked off half her hair. Dd2 had beautiful hair and now she looks as though she's been scalped. She really does look awful. The only way you could hide it would be to give her a number two all over.

I told her that as a punishment she can't go to her classmates birthday party tomorrow. I don't think she believed me so there will be an almighty tantrum tomorrow if she doesn't go.

I could probably explain why I might let her go, if I have to. If its really unfair to not let her go then I will think of some way to let her go. Perhaps find a more suitable punishment or something. But should I keep her at home? Is it a suitable punishment or AIBU?

OP posts:
Primrose123 · 21/12/2012 20:23

I think you should stick by what you said, as long as there are plenty of other children going, and it doesn't affect the birthday child. Perhaps drop the present off in the morning and apologise in advance?

Is she normally reasonably well-behaved, or is this a common thing? If it's a one-off and she's very sorry, I might be tempted to let her go, but she does need some sort of consequence for what she did.

RedHelenB · 21/12/2012 20:25

How old is dd? I think hacking hair is something most kids do & isn't meant to be naughty. I remember dd1 did n't learn her lesson & did it twice!!!! If she is older than 5 or 6 YANBU if younger I would let her go personally.

WeAreSix · 21/12/2012 20:27

I've done it... Given fair warning, behaviour continues, warning reminded & then privilege removed.

I would stick by what you've said, and explain to her calmly yet firmly why she cannot go. Cutting someone's hair is inexcusable and she is old enough to understand consequences.

DIYapprentice · 21/12/2012 20:29

Problem is, you're possibly punishing another child by her not going to a party, if it is a small one.

I think her punishment should be something which she alone suffers. But... as you have already said it, if it is a larger party I would stick with it as the punishment.

MuddlingMackem · 21/12/2012 20:30

Usually I would say that YABVU as this is a punishment that also punishes the innocent birthday child.

However, I can see that for this particular offence you want something that really brings home how serious it is, so I would have to say that in this particular instance YW only be a little bit U, and if I was the birthday child's parent I would support your stance.

HollyBerryBush · 21/12/2012 20:30

How did a 6yo get hold of a pair of scissors?

Original poster
IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog · 21/12/2012 20:31

There's lots of other kids going and I would ring the mum and apologise and drop the present off later.

She has actually got form for this, that's the annoying thing. She did this once before and got an almighty bollocking for it then.

I just put it down to a long last day at school, lots going on, excitement over Christmas, etc. She's normally quite sensible and then she'll go and do something bafflingly stupid. Well, like a normal six year old guess.

Feel soooo mean though. Feel like crying. She'll be so upset tomorrow and I just feel like the moment has gone now, she'll have forgotten about it and then won't be able to go to the party. But then I suppose that's the point, isn't it? To make her understand the consequences.

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 21/12/2012 20:33

As long as its not a small party and your child is not an important guest. Also,if the hosts have has to pay for her to get in, you must pay.

Original poster
IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog · 21/12/2012 20:35

She climbed up the cupboard in my bathroom and found my nail scissors. Obviously need to lock my bedroom now.

OP posts:
FellowshipOfFestiveFellows · 21/12/2012 20:37

I did this to my dd. She had a parents evening which didn't go well. So we told her if she was naughty at home and school in the 3 days before the party, she wouldn't go.
Well, she was a right cow, pushing and pushing, and, on the morning of the party, she kicked me in the shin and screamed. So, I banned her from going.
Felt awful after but now, anytime she tries it on, I mention that I banned her before for being a cow and I will do it again. It works.

BarbaraWoodlouse · 21/12/2012 20:37

As someone who's in the middle of finalising numbers for a "pay per child" type of party, I initially thought, no that's not fair on the party holder.

However, that's a pretty heinous thing to do at 6, especially for a 2nd time Shock. I think missing the party is probably exactly the sort of punishment that fits the bill, and still gives you time to forgive and forget before Christmas.

How old is DD2? Is she upset?

(Holly, my 6 just after Christmas DD has access to scissors if she needs them for craft etc. They could easily cut hair. I don't think that's inappropriate. )

lljkk · 21/12/2012 20:38

I did this to DS when he was in y1, for general stroppiness. Such a stupid idea, more of a punishment to me than to him.

  1. He didn't really mind, didn't even like the birthday boy that much or care about the party venue.

  2. It was the last party he got invited to for 17 months.

eightytwenty · 21/12/2012 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog · 21/12/2012 20:43

It's a party at home and AFAIK there's lots of kids going.

BarbaraWoodlouse you are welcome to join me on my irresponsible parenting bench. We'll commiserate together.

God I feel so mean.

OP posts:
thebody · 21/12/2012 20:45

No you are right. This is very naughty, imagine if she had done this to a friends child!!! Good job it was yours.

It's so hard sticking to your word and punishing your kids but its called being a responsible and great parent.

On the up side maybe she will go into the hairdressing business, open loads of shops and be a successful businesswoman.

And it's a great family story isn't it...

Beamur · 21/12/2012 20:46

YANBU
It's not an unreasonable punishment. She knows it's wrong and has obviously sought out the scissors - so there also some premeditation!
The only downside to this punishment is that you may have to deal with her being at home, cross and upset at the loss of the party. But, I would always say to follow through with a reprimand.

steppemum · 21/12/2012 20:47

I normally say stick by what you have said. But I do think it is OK to swap punishments sometimes. So you can say you have been thinking about it and it isn't fair to birthday girl so instead you will xxxx. make sure there is a consequence though, so she knows she hasnt been let off.

I would be annoyed too, but all my kids have had haircutting moment, and so did I as a kid. Dd2 chopped a huge hunk off the top of her head last summer, it is just now long enough to fit into a bobble again. Fortunately it only showed from the back. My friend went out and left kids with au pair and cam ebakc to find ds had given dd a hair cut with scissors, about a no.2 all over, truly dreadful, the thing was it was a joint effort, she encouraged him!

Beamur · 21/12/2012 20:47

Holly - my 5 yr old has access to craft scissors too (she has also trimmed her own hair with them)

PandaNot · 21/12/2012 20:49

YANBU. I do think it's ok for six year olds to have access to scissors though, they're old enough to know what to use them for by then.

steppemum · 21/12/2012 20:51

sorry, took a long time to write and hadn't seen you update posts. If she has form, I would ditch the party. I think you sometimes need to make it very clear you will follow through

as to scissors - why would a 6 year old NOT have access to scissors???? Mine are 5, 7 and 10, and they have proper scissors in their craft drawer. dd2 has been able to use proper scissors since she was 3 (under supervision) and is now allowed to get them out when she needs them.

crazygracieuk · 21/12/2012 20:52

If you brave it out this time, she will freak out but she will learn to take your word seriously.

If you give in, she will assume that you will give in on other occasions and you will make things tougher for yourself.

BarbarianMum · 21/12/2012 20:55

YANBU - esp. for a second offense! Time to get the message through once and for all.

Mine have had free access to scissors since the age of 3 - perfectly reasonable imo. They have never cut hair but being boys w. short hair I guess it would both be less fun and less of a disaster if they did.

Chin up OP. One day you will look back at the 2012 Christmas photos and laugh!

Original poster
IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog · 21/12/2012 21:46

She got shouted at well and truly, and sent straight to bed without a story, which was a punishment in itself. And I had a similar thing a while back when she'd been naughty and I cancelled the trip to the park. She kept following me round the house saying 'but we are still going really aren't we mummy?' When she realised that we weren't she went ballistic. It was awful and I felt like the meanest parent ever. Like I do now.

OP posts:
maddening · 21/12/2012 21:49

When I was nearly 5 I was playing hairdressers with my 2 year old sister - I was sent to my room as punishment. The hairdresser said I had done a good job - all one length and not too drastic.

It depends if it was done with malice imo.

maddening · 21/12/2012 21:50

Ps now that you've said it you have to go through with it really.