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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let dd go to a birthday party, as a punishment?

64 replies

IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog · 21/12/2012 20:17

Feel really mean but she's been very naughty and in the heat of it I've told her she can't go. She's six.

Basically she's taken a pair of scissors to her little sister and hacked off half her hair. Dd2 had beautiful hair and now she looks as though she's been scalped. She really does look awful. The only way you could hide it would be to give her a number two all over.

I told her that as a punishment she can't go to her classmates birthday party tomorrow. I don't think she believed me so there will be an almighty tantrum tomorrow if she doesn't go.

I could probably explain why I might let her go, if I have to. If its really unfair to not let her go then I will think of some way to let her go. Perhaps find a more suitable punishment or something. But should I keep her at home? Is it a suitable punishment or AIBU?

OP posts:
LynetteScavo · 21/12/2012 21:52

I was ready to post YABU...but hell no! She needs stop this hair cutting business.

No party, but buy her a girls world for Christmas to let her chop it's hair instead.

Maybe no party was not the best punishment, but you've said it now, and need to show her you actually mean it.

And most 6yo's can access scissors in the home....most don't cut siblings hair....too often!

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/12/2012 21:55

"I told her that as a punishment she can't go to her classmates birthday party tomorrow. I don't think she believed me so there will be an almighty tantrum tomorrow if she doesn't go."
You told her what her punishment was going to be, you need to follow through. And if she tantrums, so be it. Letting her go to the party will be making a rod for your own back.

steppemum · 21/12/2012 21:55

I think you need to separate the awful feeling of her going ballistic from the decision you have made as a parent. Not easy, but necessary. Some parenting choices that are good and right and have good long term effects, are hard to do in the short term.

It is OK to stick to your guns and follow through, and it does work. You are not the meanest parent, you are a parent who knows that your daughter needs boundaries and consistancy. You are giving her a gift when you give her that. She just doesn't know it!

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/12/2012 21:57

"It was awful and I felt like the meanest parent ever. Like I do now."
Toughen up, woman! Being a parent is not a popularity contest. It's not about how you feel, but about what she learns.

Original poster
IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog · 21/12/2012 22:06

Aww thanks WhereYouLeftIt

Dh will go spare. At least he'll be here tomorrow to back me up. He's out this evening, he doesn't know yet.

OP posts:
wineandroses · 21/12/2012 22:08

Definitely go through with this as a punishment otherwise she won't believe you next time. Also, she is old enough to know how wrong it is to cut a younger child's hair - I'll bet you she would be horrified at the idea of someone chopping at her hair! Is she jealous of her sister's hair?

BarbarianMum · 21/12/2012 22:17

Definitely go through with it. You can however sympathise with her over how upset she feels and reassure her that you are 'sure she will make a better decision next time.'

The punishment is missing the party. Try and stay calm and firm when she kicks off about it or you may just add fuel to the fire voice of bitter experience

Then after tomorrow forgive, forget and enjoy Christmas. Good luck!

Original poster
IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog · 21/12/2012 22:18

Dunno. She's never said so.

Looks I'm going to have to go through with it then. Was kind of hoping everyone would say AWBU! I am going to have to toughen up aren't I?

OP posts:
Original poster
IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog · 21/12/2012 22:23

Thanks BarbarianMum. I love your name.

OP posts:
oldpeculiar · 21/12/2012 22:23

Yabu because it is very bad manners to the birthday child and their family.Also I don't get this 'once you have said a punishment, you have to follow through with that same punishment or else the world will implode' What is that teaching your Dc apart from pig-headedness! When you make a mistake admit it and choose a more appropriate punishment
Besides cutting hair is something all kids do at sometime either to themself or someone else.It's not done in malice

Tallgiraffe · 21/12/2012 22:31

Out of interest, does your daughter that did the cutting also have beautiful hair? Only asking because when I was little my brother was considered the favoured could-do-no-wrong one and my DM was always going on about his beautiful hair. I cut some of his off once so she would stop going on about it (small child logic). I had /still have boring hair!

YANBU to follow through with punishment though.

ReallyTired · 21/12/2012 22:35

A six year old should be safe with sissors and not cut other children's hair. Children of that age have access to sissors at school. It hard situation to think what a natural consequence would be. Cutting another child's hair is beyond nasty, especially as its the second time. Does she have any money for christmas that could be used to pay for your dd2 hair cut?

It is right that she is being SERIOUSLY punished. Its not the punishment that I would have chosen, but I think you need to go through with it. I hope its a big party and that your daughter's absence will not be notiable. I have to admit I am struggling to suggest a more suitable punishment.

If your daughter throws a tantrum about the party then put her in the room.

apostrophethesnowman · 21/12/2012 22:38

YANBU especially if this is the second time she's done it.

Original poster
IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog · 21/12/2012 22:41

If there was no party I'm not sure what I would have said TBH. it probably wouldn't have been as harsh as that.

OP posts:
Startail · 21/12/2012 23:08

Normally I'm very soft hearted about stopping children going to things or removing privilege s. I tend to shout and dole out one sharp smack for things the child knows were going too far and then get on with life.

and before the anti smacking brigade wake up, I should say I do this because it is what I preferred as a child I hated long lectures, which was my Fathers other punishment. I would have truly resented being prevented going out.

However, cutting her sisters hair was very silly and will affect her sister for ages, having to miss the party she will remember.

threesocksfullofchocs · 21/12/2012 23:09

yabu
why punish the child who's party it is.

Whatdoiknowanyway · 21/12/2012 23:11

My friend did this to her DD for my daughter's party. 17 years ago but I still remember how disappointed my child was that her friend didn't turn up. Problem with this is you are punishing another child for your child's behaviour.

Viviennemary · 21/12/2012 23:21

This is a difficult one. At first I thought ah poor little soul let her go to the party. And then when I read she had done this before then I thought well she needs to be taught in some way that this is just not on. And from your post it's not as if she has just snipped a few strands. No I think you should stick by your decision. She shouldn't go.

nametakenagain · 21/12/2012 23:23

Yanbu, epecially as you've said it won't affect the birthday child. And yes you should stick to your promises, or you lose credibility.

Obviously that means it's our responsibility as adults not to make stupid threats that cant be carried out for one reason or another.

Original poster
IloveChristmasandsodoesmydog · 22/12/2012 00:36

I know. Only make threats you can follow through.

Really hope her friend doesn't mind her not turning up.

OP posts:
PiccadillyCervix · 22/12/2012 00:41

Do not go back on this, she's got to learn

nannyof3 · 22/12/2012 01:09

Stick with what u said

SolidGoldFrankensteinandmurgh · 22/12/2012 01:14

It's only hair. It will grow back. Unless you are really sure that it was done out of malice (as opposed to playfulness), then this is too heavy a punishment.

CoolaYuleA · 22/12/2012 01:26

YANBU - she did it before and the "almighty bollocking" she got that time clearly wasn't enough to stop her doing it again, so if bollockings don't work the only option left is a punishment.

I think not being allowed to go to the party is the right one. Particularly after you later said:

"And I had a similar thing a while back when she'd been naughty and I cancelled the trip to the park. She kept following me round the house saying 'but we are still going really aren't we mummy?' When she realised that we weren't she went ballistic."

Your DD doesn't believe that you will follow through - that's why she kept saying "but we are still going really aren't we mummy". She went ballistic because she was upset and angry - she was shocked that you stuck to your word. That implies you may need to do it more - so that when you give an "almighty bollocking" she may listen, understand that if she repeats there will be a consequence and not do it again.

You aren't mean - kids need rules and boundaries. They need to learn that there are consequences to actions. She needs to learn to behave in an acceptable manner, telling her not to do it didn't work - unless you want her to ignore you again you need to follow this through.

CoolaYuleA · 22/12/2012 01:29

solid yes it's only hair - but that doesn't mean she should be allowed to chop off other people's because she feels like it, with no consequences. If she does it to someone else's child there will be hell to pay (and possible financial implications).

She did it before and was firmly told not to do it again. She did it again. Not even sure that the actual act matters - the point is she deliberately did something she knew was wrong, and IMO that is something that needs to be addressed firmly.