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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to keep dc away from MIL - not usual MIL type stuff WWYD? LOOONG

58 replies

NcNcNcNc · 21/12/2012 20:16

MIL has a on/off again partner of 5 years. DH and I don't really know him, probably met him 10 times. They now live together. I've only known MIL for 6 years myself so don't know her well either.

Over last 12 months MIL has been part of our lives, seeing the dc every couple of weeks or so. About 3 months ago she brought her partner with her and when they took our youngest dd (3) out for the day they did it together - no problem. This has probably happened 3 times. MIL asks to have dd rather than us asking her iyswim.

Last time it turned out they'd bathed dd and MIL's partner was in the bathroom during this. I said to DH privately that it must not happen again. I'm not seeing 'peeeedos' round every corner, I just don't think its appropriate for a man I hardly know to be bathing my dd or in the room. DH agrees. There is a history of child abuse in their family, the abuser is no longer alive but we are all probably extra sensitive due to this.

Week ago my eldest dd (8) said she didn't want to go out with them again because they 'shouted' at her and also told her to stop cuddling her sister (the 3 year old) as she (3 yr old) was too old for cuddles She doesn't want to see them again even if we stay with her.

Today we mentioned to the youngest dd that she was going to grannies on monday and she screamed no. We said 'you love granny blah blah' and she kept on saying no she didn't want to go, that she didn't like granny or x, her partner. Really strange. She has said she'll only go if we stay with her. She's 3 so hard to get to what is driving this.

So WWYD? AIBU to keep them away? Should I...

Mention the bathing thing and that its a not to happen again? How?
Tell them that eldest dd doesnt want to see them due to 'shouting'?
Tell them that youngest dd doesnt want to see them either?

I can't see this ending very well. Should say I'm not suggesting any sexual abuse has taken place at all, the bathing thing is a separate issue really, just makes me think MIL's judgement isn't good. I do wonder if they've been shouted at though, smacked maybe??

OP posts:

Pendipidy · 21/12/2012 20:19

why do they have to go out with them without you? why don't you spend the day together?

maddening · 21/12/2012 20:21

With that reaction I would not send them alone at all. As for how to tackle it I don't think there's an easy way.

You do need to speak to Dm to ask if there is any reason for this reaction - give her a chance to respond.

RedHelenB · 21/12/2012 20:22

Just let MIL come to yours for the next time & see what happens then. Maybe ask MIL if they had behaved themselves last time & take it from there? I know when ds was about 3 he had been told off by the babysitter & she was really upset cos dds leapt to his defence and made her feel terrible!( though he did need to be told off) She told me all about it though

maddening · 21/12/2012 20:22

Also - who was the abuser in your family? Was dm subjected to abuse?

PomBearWithAnOFRS · 21/12/2012 20:27

Is your relationship, and your DHs relationship with his mother such that you couldn't bear to lose it? If so you'll have to decide together exactly what you are prepared to allow/not allow regarding your children and spell it out, and trust MiL and her partner to abide by your rules, and be prepared for the consequences if she kicks off/disagrees/makes a fuss etc.
If you aren't bothered, then tell her she isn't taking any of your children anywhere again, and if she wants to see them she (with or without partner as you prefer) can come and visit them at your house, by arrangement, and you and/or DH will be there.
Is it actually worth the slightest risk that "anything" from worst nightmare to hardly anything bar a raised voice has happened? you may well never know exactly what, if anything, has, but now that flags are raised, you need to decide what you will do, how much you trust MiL and her partner, and what you are prepared to allow/risk for your DC.

diddl · 21/12/2012 20:28

I´d not be sending them either.

It could be the cuddling thing or that older sister has encouraged her to not want to go.

Either way, if neither of them want to, it´s a no brainer imo.

It´s an odd thing, isn´t it?

After 17yrs I still barely know my FIL.

When my PFB was born, I´d not seen much of him.

And yet no eyelids would be batted at him being in the bathroom-for the fact that he is related to his GC!

SugaricePlumFairy · 21/12/2012 20:28

If your children show such a strong objection coupled with your own insecurities learned as a child then cancel unsupervised visits.

Don't send them.

SavoyCabbage · 21/12/2012 20:28

Who was the abuser? Was it her husband?

I think for the foreseeable future you should see them (or her) on your terms. At your house or somewhere with you.

My mother has never taken my dds or my sisters out for the day without us or had them overnight. She is a wonderful mother and grandmother but it's never come up really. We always have done things together.

orchidee · 21/12/2012 20:30

You say that you don't know your MIL or her partner well, so your partner should do the talking on behalf of both of you.

If neither of your children are comfortable when alone with their GPs then put a stop to it. This may be a good time of year as your rountine's likely to change over the coming weeks anyway. Whether you need to have a full discussion or just stop arranging these days out with the GPs is uncertain, but it'd be usual at this time if year to socialise as a family. How do things seem when you're all there?

Definitely put a stop to the bathing if you're not comfortable, and don't couch it as "I know we're being silly but..." It's not up for due unison so don't invite one. (Advice for your partner since he'll be having that conversation, it's his mum.)

Original poster

NcNcNcNc · 21/12/2012 20:31

Maddening - I think we should speak to MIL to give her a chance to 'explain' if you like but DH is terrified of upsetting her. I think it would start WW3 but needs to be done.

Abuser was DH's grandfather (not MIL's father, her FIL), abused DH's sister when she was 2. MIL found out 6 years back, that's what really worries me is that after finding out that, wouldn't you be even more careful?

Is it weird that I didn't want this man bathing my dd, or would it freak out most people?

Red - I think DH is going to take youngest dd over at weekend and stay, try to judge things by whether she runs up and hugs them etc

Pend - they've always asked can they have youngest dd for the day, so can they take her shopping, or to play centres etc, DH and I would be at work and the invite was just to dd.

OP posts:

orchidee · 21/12/2012 20:32

Oh and 3 year olds being too old for cuddles? How depressing is it that people actually believe that. And say it to a young child.

SantasENormaSnob · 21/12/2012 20:33

I wouldn't send them.

MrsFlibble · 21/12/2012 20:33

I wouldnt send them either, shouted at for cuddling her sister, too old for cuddles, what kind of bullshit is that? also for a 3 yr to scream in such a way at just a mention, it'd give me reason not to send DC's to MIL.

pingu2209 · 21/12/2012 20:34

You could say to MIL that they girls are tired and over excited in the lead up to Christmas or then the aftermath of Christmas etc. Buy yourself time and try to work out what has happened.

orchidee · 21/12/2012 20:39

I think DH is going to take youngest dd over at weekend and stay, try to judge things by whether she runs up and hugs them etc

I don't think you can read much into that. A 3yo will likely do what she thinks she's supposed to.
1 - unless you're there to see her reaction yourself, is your partner likely to give a true account? From what you've said, he wants this to blow over.
2 - Why would thus start ww3? Somethings wrong if a GP would get angry rather than concerned about her poor GD.
3 - It sounds like given the choice of MIL or DDs being upset, your partner would protect MIL from being upset. Do you think that's true?

Marcheline · 21/12/2012 20:39

OP it seems really strange to me, I think I would be inclined to stop all unsupervised contact and ideally try to make sure thatboth you and your DH are present when MILand partner next see your DCs. It's much better if you can both be there, so that afterwards youcan discuss how it went and sort of bounce ideas off each other. DH and
I often find that it's the best way of processing things to do with DD.

I think you should go with you gut instinct.

diddl · 21/12/2012 20:43

Also no unsupervised contact would be the thing for me for the forseeable future.

Something has upset them, you may never find out what.

I´d just be making sure that they weren´t put in that position again.

Was just the youngest bathed?

If so, where was the other?

AndABigBirdInaPearTree · 21/12/2012 20:44

I think I would say that the girls like it best when they get to have all their family together and have asked if we they could spend time with all of us.

TeeElfOnTeeShelf · 21/12/2012 20:47

Listen to your children. Do not make them go.

If you want to speak to MIL about it, do so. But please please please do not force your daughters to go. Whatever their reason, and they obviously have one, just accept it.

Tortington · 21/12/2012 20:47

instincts are usually right - i think this man bathing your dd was poor judgement - nowt untoward happened but yes - poor judgement.

the coddles thing - i think there needs to be some context - children do tend to have a narrow view and it could have been that your oldest was unintentionally hurting the youngest and it was an excuse given to spare feelings or - anything really - it needs context.

however all that said - if you don't feel 'right' about it all and your 'spidey' sense is going over time - then just put a stop to it

WhereYouLeftIt · 21/12/2012 20:48

"DH is terrified of upsetting her."
That doesn't sound good either. Why terrified? And what kind of terrified? Terrified of hurting her feelings because he loves her so much? Terrified of her reaction because he's scared of her?

ChasedByBees · 21/12/2012 20:48

I'd be very uncomfortable with anyone I don't know well (male or female) bathing my DC without me knowing and there being a good reason. Why did they bathe her at all?

I'd be wary and probably stop unsupervised access. It's really weird that they're telling your children off for cuddling. Even without the other stuff that would annoy me enough to stop them going alone. I wouldn't want those kind of weird messages about affection being passed on.

Doingakatereddy · 21/12/2012 20:49

Children have a way of telling you things that is not always clear as an adult. Your Dd's do not want to be alone with mil & partner DO NOT make them go alone. Please

lechatnoir · 21/12/2012 20:52

Leaving the bathing issue aside as I struggle to see an issue with this unless you have reason not to trust him/her, I think your DH should have a chat with his mum and explain that the DC have suddenly started saying they don't want to visit & ask if anything happened to scare them last time they visited, did they get told off or hurt etc.

orchidee · 21/12/2012 20:52

Also- about the previous abuse. It sounds like some years ago DH's sister may have been screaming that she didn't want to visit her GP and your MIL ignored that. Your MIL doesn't seem to care about your DD's emotions, that would be enough reason for me to only do supervised visits.

What's your SIL's relationship with her mum like now? Any idea why the abuse was mentioned 6y ago? Does she have any children, and if so, what contact do they have with MIL? Are there any other young children in the family other than yours?

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