To feel completely suffocated?

[alisunshine29]

My baby is almost 7 months, DD1 is 5 and OH works away. DD2 is EBF and attached to me literally about 23 hours a day, maybe more. I can't have a shower without her crying the entire time, everything else I do one handed. She'll go in her Jumperoo for 5 mins at best, she'll play with toys but only with me right there. I thought it'd get better once she could sit unaided, but it hasn't. She cries with anyone but me. I am desperate to spend some time with DD1/OH but it's impossible. If OH is home, I still do everything for the kids as otherwise DD2 screams the house down making DD1 feel guilty for spending time with me. Once DD1 is in bed, DD2 will only sleep on me so OH and I feel nervous to talk/have TV too loud in case we wake her. It's ridiculous. We long to be able to cuddle/have sex but the longest DD2 will go down for before realising I'm not there is 10 mins. I co-slept with DD1 and loved it but DD2 wants to feed literally all night, I cannot move without her stirring and latching on again. In the day she'll only sleep on me or if walking in carrier/pushchair - the second I stop she wakes. I just want to be able to have time with DD1/OH, have a bath, read, just have a wee bit of time away from DD2 without her being utterly miserable. AIBU?

I wouldn't stop breastfeeding in the hope of having a less attached baby though - especially not with a OH who works away. Having breastfeeding as one tool along with others for settling dd (and dealing with her when she was ill!) was so important to me as a single parent. But that's just my experience not saying you shouldn't consider it!

I'm not going to stop breastfeeding, but even if I did want to - she will not take a bottle! So from peoples experience, would a 7 month old be likely to take to a dummy? I'm really not going to leave her to cry at night, as much as I appreciate it may have worked for you and your advice is well-intended, it just isn't something I'm prepared to do. DD1 didn't sleep through the night til she was 3.5 years old and not once did I leave her to cry, so I certainly am not going to do so at 7 months. I just hoped DD2 might be easier!

sounds like an awful situation. I sympathise. But I think you must tell your OH how stressed etc you are. It must be hard enough that youre virtually a lone parent, let alone to have a clingy baby. My kids were on solids at that age. I think maybe you should wean DD , it may not be easy but persist. How on earth are you going to go back to work in Feb if you dont get this sorted? Good Luck

I have one of those. DD has been a velcro baby since birth, and it is just unbelievably suffocating and exhausting. I also got so completely fucking worn out of hearing well meaning but ultimately useless advice. 'Just put her on a bottle'... well duh -don't you think I have tried? Or the implication that because I wasn't enjoying literally having my baby on me 24 hours a day, that somehow that made me a crap mum.

I loved her, but I resented her - I just needed 10 minutes to have a shower, or a shit, or just BREATHE on my own without carrying her or hearing her scream. I needed space from her to be able to miss her!

I just want to let you know that it does, slowly, get better. DD started eating little bits of food, and I started leaving her with her Dad for regular periods so I could spend time with my boys. She gradually took to him, and would sit with him, I just couldn't be in the house at the time! Now she is one things are much better. She goes down at 7, and wakes about 10 when I go in with her. She goes to her Dad and Grandparents and is much happier overall.

Just remember you do need to make time for yourself even if she does yell. Your DH needs to pull his finger out too, and you need to communicate to him exactly how hard things are for you at night - its not his fault he doesn't know what goes on when he's asleep - you need to let him know how hard it is.

When DH would come home, or early in the morning he would take her and I would go out for a 15 minute walk alone. It was sanity saving.

Good luck!

Why do you keep asking if she will take a dummy? Get one and try it! I think you hit the nail on the head in your post when you said your eldest didnt sleep through till she was 3.5 and you never left her to cry. Sorry if this sounds nasty, but youve got to break this cycle. Your child is controlling you. Sometimes you have to use "tough love". She will soon learn that you wont come running every time, just as shes learnt that she only has to scream to get your undivided attention. Try a dummy, it may work. Hope you get this sorted

Oh I really feel for you. My son was like this. It was equally beautiful and torturous.

He finally took a dummy at I think seven months or something like that. Before that he would fire it across the room. It was a lifesaver. Some babies need the comfort of constant sucking rather than milk. I know you may not be too keen on the idea, but it's not good for you to be so stressed. And a dummy doesn't have to be forever. Just that transition when they learn to be without physical contact all the time.

Also, have you tried a sling or baby wrap? I found that if I put him in the sling pressed to my chest, it was easier to get him to take the dummy. Then at least you have your hands free and you can go for a walk round the shops.

This will pass. I know it's so so so exhausting and emotionally draining. But it will pass and you will have a little toddler running around and playing happily by themselves.

Why bother posting when you dont want to take anyone's advice? A 7 month baby wont take a bottle-your not trying hard enough. Stop offering the boob every 2 minutes and she will soon take one.

Sorry if I sound harsh but in case you havent heard there really are NO medals for being a mummy martyr...

I think as well that a lot of people don't understand what it's like to have a baby like this. My son did not cry when he was put down - he screamed like he was being murdered.

Listening to that was worse than anything.

That is just not true Amothersruin - some babies just DON'T take bottles. DS1 & DS2 both did but DD just won't. I hardly lack parenting experience, or experience in getting a baby to take a bottle, but she just won't.

Each baby is unique, so there is no blanket 'do this and this will happen'.

If they are hungry enough they will take a bottle. Remove the mother from the baby so they cant smell milk and baby will start to take bottle. Even if it didnt then at 7 months can be on solids but I think op doesnt want to hear that....

That is just RUBBISH! DD went a whole day and half a night when I had to go away and wouldn't take a drop of EBM or formula.

I had this a bit with dd although nowhere near as bad. Total angel baby until 6 months so I always dealt with her at night because dh had to work the next day and it was pretty easy. Then at 6 / 7 months she started teething and stopped sleeping. And because dh had never dealt with her in the night she found him completely unacceptable. So I carried on doing it all. One day I calmly and master of factly told dh that if dd seemed to be screaming even more than usual in the night (he'd long moved into the spare room) he'd have to get up and deal with herbecause I'd be at the bottom of the stairs with a broken neck.

He slowly started helping then but truthfully it nearly destroyed my 10 year marriage.

One book I found was called something like "the complete baby sleep solution". Unlike Gina Ford, the Baby Whisperer and all the rest of them she doesn't say "you must do x, y, z and do it exactly and if you change their nappy at 10:02 rather than 10:00 then it will all fall apart" she gives a load of solutions and says you do whichever work for you and you want to do. There was no perfect solution but it slowly got better.

Actually at 7 months I wouldn't bother with a bottle, try a sippy cup. OP if this really is driving you nuts you have to be strong and take some control of the situation . Easier said than done when you are exhausted.

One thingI didn't say is that dd was my only child and nowhere near as bad and I spent my days thinking of ways of hurting myself. I have no idea how you are doing so well!

Sorry but I still diagree with you Nooby but then I am of the firm belief that so-called "velcro" babies are made and not born....

MY DD was like this, and my DS similar too. Have you ruled out medical problems? My DD had acid reflux and was feeding non stop to stop the pain of it - medication sorted her out. It will get better. Keep doing the odd hour at a time away. Also - you do what you're happy with. I had all sorts of people telling me to leave her to cry. Maybe it would have helped. I just couldn't do it. It was hard having her clinging to me all day long, but I don't regret that. She's 6 now. And gorgeous. And pretty independent!

Exhaustion inertia - just being too damn worn out to be able to think about, let alone put into practise and new ideas that will involve getting any less sleep/rest than you are already.

DD hadn't had milk for 6 hours at 3 months and still wouldn't take a bottle - it isn't through not being hungry, she just refuses them. So Amothersruin, I would take some advice if there was any better offered than screw your baby, leave her to scream. I do have a sling which she loves, am just wary of trying a dummy in case that falls out and has to keep being replaced in night - feel likes it's replacing one bad habit with another.

Explain then how I had 2 non-velcro babies, followed by one? If anything DD should have been the most independent of them all.

Are you are basically saying there is no such thing as a high needs baby? That all babies that need a higher level of attachment are created and not born?

She won't take a cup either so far.

Actually OP lots of people have offered lots of advice that doesn't involve leaving your DD to scream, you clearly aren't interested. If all you want is a pity party then say so but you did ask for advice.

I can only tell you my experience Nooby-I had 2 great babies-both excellent sleepers. Then I had dc3. Now by other peoples standards he was an ok sleeper but in comparison to the other 2 he was a monkey. I firmly believe this is because I was too tired/lazy to implement the kind of routines I had with the other 2. So yes I did "create" the problem.

Anyhoo we are getting side tracked from op-are you listening to any of the advice people are giving op?...

Amothersruin - perhaps you were 'fortunate' enough to have children who didn't care where you were or who was caring for them, but I'd take my velcro baby over that option any day. My 5 yr old is the most independent child I know so if I have to ride the velcro stage with DD2 that's fine, itr's just more difficult when it's a subsequent child.

So what other advice is there, other than leave her to scream? Spell it out, please. Give her a bottle - she won't take one. Leave her with DH - he's hardly ever here. What is it I'm ignoring?

I'm afraid I just wouldn't be able to stand this family set up. My DD was a very difficult baby and cried a lot. Some nights I lost count of the number of times she woke up. But I still did leave her with people for a couple of hours. Otherwise I would have got completely mad. I agree with the people who say you won't get a medal for all this she'll only settle for me. Of course there are high needs babies but martyrs are just not helping themselves.