To feel completely suffocated?

[alisunshine29]

My baby is almost 7 months, DD1 is 5 and OH works away. DD2 is EBF and attached to me literally about 23 hours a day, maybe more. I can't have a shower without her crying the entire time, everything else I do one handed. She'll go in her Jumperoo for 5 mins at best, she'll play with toys but only with me right there. I thought it'd get better once she could sit unaided, but it hasn't. She cries with anyone but me. I am desperate to spend some time with DD1/OH but it's impossible. If OH is home, I still do everything for the kids as otherwise DD2 screams the house down making DD1 feel guilty for spending time with me. Once DD1 is in bed, DD2 will only sleep on me so OH and I feel nervous to talk/have TV too loud in case we wake her. It's ridiculous. We long to be able to cuddle/have sex but the longest DD2 will go down for before realising I'm not there is 10 mins. I co-slept with DD1 and loved it but DD2 wants to feed literally all night, I cannot move without her stirring and latching on again. In the day she'll only sleep on me or if walking in carrier/pushchair - the second I stop she wakes. I just want to be able to have time with DD1/OH, have a bath, read, just have a wee bit of time away from DD2 without her being utterly miserable. AIBU?

Hi, I just wanted to add some words of support.
I think that this needs tackling, but slowly. I would start by trying to space feeds, if she cries, soothe her and offer food and water like others are saying.
You might find she starts to eat solids.
After set feeds are established it might be a good idea to get used to being held by DH, so he can spend important time with her, and DD1 gets some of your attention. Maybe start of by leaving the house for 5 mins (so you get used to it as much as her).
I think leaving her to cry by herself is not what I'd be willing to do personally, but certainly don't feel guilty about taking your shower.

It's about everyone's needs in a family and they all need to be balanced. My dd was a bit like this at seven months. Co-sleeping stopped working for us at this age as both of mine were wrigglers. I used controlled crying to shift them to a cot which led them sleeping 10-12 hours at night. Once both of my children stopped having night feeds they were both happier during the day (so was I) and ate solids better too. Another thing that helped is taking both kids for walks and focusing on the older one and having a good chat while baby napped in the carrier or pushchair. My whole family was much happier once we were all getting enough sleep at night and I wasn't breastfeeding constantly.

My dd was like this too and it's utterly physically and emotionally draining if you're the only one she wants.

Though I do agree that you need to make some changes, accept that dd2 might find the change difficult but that she'll fundamentally be okay.

First up, speak with your dh re leaving dd2 with him for a couple of hours one weekend. It's likely that he's not feeling very confident about it but work out how he'll can do it ie take out in buggy if she really won't stop crying.

What you do at night is up to you. You've got plenty of advice on here already. Other peoples' stories of 'oh I just patted her and she fell asleep' aren't necessarily that useful (I think I posted the same about dd until ds arrived.....) though worth getting a number of perspectives to help you decide an action plan.

Good luck!

Bless you, DD was a high needs baby (to steal a Dr Sears phrase!) and pretty much as you describe. She didn't really settle being put down until she was able to crawl. She would scream until she vomited and then that was an extra job to do.

Have you looked at the Dr Sears stuff? It is all in 'huggy speak' but if you can cut through the sanctamony (sp and is that a word?) there is some good advice on his site. We also found the no cry sleep solution really helped too.

It is easy to say let them cry and stop letting the baby control you but unless you have a truely relentless child it is hard to understand. For DD's first year I don't think I got more than 3 hours sleep a night, I don't know how you are doing it with 2 children.

One thing I do agree with is when your DH is there he needs to step up. Yes your DD will be upset to begin with but it is ok for her to cry when being comforted by her Dad, she'll get used to him.

Hi op, ds was like this but I've been v glad he is pfb!

He got easier when he started crawling (8-9 months), he stopped needing to be on me constantly and started amusing himself independently (aka getting in trouble).

He was and is a hard weaner and a boob monster. He didn't take to solids til well into 10th month and bottle refused until the week before I went back to work [hmmm] so I can appreciate how frustrating it is to get advice like has worked for some pp's like stop her feeding and fill her up on solids - nope, not happening til I'm ready mum and stop pushing it if you value your sanity, I'll do it when I'm ready.

We put ds in his own cot and did gradual retreat with him over 2 weeks of hell naps were hardest to get him settling in his cot for. There's a great thread in sleep 'what worked for us, op called nectarina.

There's also a v helpful thread in sleep for mums of high needs babies like your dd, please check it out!

Sorry can't link from phone, hth and you're doing great.

Oh gawd, this is my DS too. In terms of the night-feeding, anyway - he is reasonably happy to play by himself for a bit during the day so I do get some time with DD, but he is still EBF and refusing any food at nearly 8 months!! Maybe I need to get tough too!

Hi again,just wanted to say that I didn't mean to let baby cry,I can't do that either,find it heartbreaking.but you can absolutely cut the day feeds,up the solids and pass some of the settling over to you dh.i didn't mean to imply it will be easy,it probably won't,but the long term benefits should
Outweigh the negatives.best of luck

I agree with noisy

You could be describing my dd5 who is now 10 months.After the first 4 I was patting myself on the back they were easy babies who slept well from 6:30-6:30 by 8 months. Then dd came along and my world was turned upside down .
She was at 8 months constantly near me, feeding a lot, crying if put down and would not sleep in her cot at all.
I started getting her to sleep next to me on the bed at 6:30 (easy took 5 mins she loves a hug!) then before she was too deeply asleep transferring her to the cot. At first she would wake every ten minutes so it was hard (luckily browsing mumsnet on my phone while she drifted off didnt disturb her!) but gradually the time she stayed in her cot got longer and now she will sleeo from 6:30-9ish which at least gives me a little tine alone with the older children and dh.
For some reason she wakes up at 9 totally wide awake as though its morning but she does go off again around 10. Some nights she starts in her cot at ten others we co sleep all night but neither dh or I mind that at this point.
Her feeds I just stopped offering one at a time and offering yogurts or beakers of water instead. She still has 2/3 feeds a day 2 smaller ones and one big one at 6:30 but its a huge improvment on what ir was. I would stay take things slowly but do start some sort of "management " of it as you sound at the end of your tether.

What noisyday said and you have to try to sort out sleeping away from you

Yes, what noisy said.

Get a really good friend to baby sit for an hour - either leave the house or ask friend to take DD2 out in a pram / car for a bit. You need some space! I am in awe that you haven't cracked up already.

If possible you need someone who understands and can cope with the fact that DD2 will possibly cry for the whole time you are away, but 7 months is not "tiny" in the same way as a newborn is, unfortunately she needs to start fitting into the rest of the family before you all go mad.

Good luck.

My eldest was like this - I only coped as she was my eldest.

YANBU.

Thanks for your replies. Have left her with DH once and he took her out in carrier til she slept which doesn't really solve the problem as can't expect DH to walk the streets for hours any time I need to do anything without baby. DD1 and I go walking the dog with DD2 asleep in carrier so we at least get time to talk. DD2 is only latched on at night - not feeding, just using me as a dummy. She is hungry when she wakes but still not really interested in solids. Don't really like the idea of dummies and not sure if she'd take one for first time at 7 months as someone suggested? Could just start a new problem if she wakes everytime it falls out! For those saying just leave her with DH and let her get used to him, she likes him and will happily play with him if I'm there too but DD1 wouldn't spend time with me like she wants to (i.e reading/painting/baking) if her sister was crying with DH, she says she'll wait as she can't concentrate with DD2 screaming. She isn't resentful at all, it is totally my own guilt at not being able to do things with her. We still paint and bake, just one-handed with DD2 in tow! DH cannot take time off work to help. He has no idea I feel so drained, he thinks we are lucky that DD2 has only really had 2 sleepless nights in 7 months. I agree that we're lucky she's only been up 2 screaming all night, but he doesn't even stir when she's unsettled.

We had a Velcro baby, but she was happy to be held by me as well as DW (as long as milk wasn't what she was after). Your DH is jus going to have to spend more time with her until she's attached to him and he can pick up some of the Velcro duties.

The 'she's tiny' stuff would be more appropriate if the baby was 7 days old, not 7 months. Many mums would be back at work by now, so it can't possibly be normal for a child that age not to be able to be separated from them for more than 10 mins.

On rare occasions that she has been held by DH without crying, rather than making the most of it and spending time with her he follows DD1 and I and then of course DD2 holds arms out to me...

I will be going back to work 2 days per week in Feb which is why I really need a solution.

You do seem to be finding reasons not to implement the suggested solutions though.

There's a lot of good advice here.

i would consider starting her on a bottle at least part time so she can start associating other people with nice comforting stuff.

It sounds like your husband could be more helpful/supportive. I'm not saying he's undermining you on purpose, but maybe through thoughtlessness. Maybe you need to sit down and have a chat about what needs to change and how you're going to tackle it - together. I think you need to be working as a team, it shouldn't be just your problem.

If you refuse to introduce a dummy you will be a human dummy for the forseeable.

Something has to change. It might be worse in the short term, but if its ever to get better you need to make a change.

This isnt normal at all.

She won't take a bottle.

Ephiny - the only reason he sees it as a problem is because sex is rushed...! It was his work Christmas night out last week, he said 'I wish we could just go out and get drunk and go dancing' - I told him that he can, it's only me who can't. DD2 hasn't changed his life at all. Literally the only break I get from her is if I'm driving, my arm and back are killing me from carrying her.

I don't like dummies but would introduce one for night time if it meant she slept on her own - I just didn't think a baby this old would be receptive to one?

What is the worst thing that can happen if you stop breastfeeding her now? I know you don't want to, but I don't think that strongwilled little girl of yours will let you do it part time. It will take a day or two for her to change her habit. That's all. When you think of it like that, it's really worth doing.

As for the controlled crying, I did it - night 1 he cried solidly for an hour, then fell asleep, exhausted. Night 2 he screamed for 20 minutes - almost levitating - then fell asleep. Night 3, he went to bed laughing. And this was a baby who was super glued to me. It helped, I think, that my daughter was in the room with him. She'd been warned what would happen and she told me he'd get fed up of yelling eventually. She had a lamp on and looked at her books while he hovered three inches above his bed, bellowing. My health visitor told me I'd be ill if I didn't sort out his sleep - she was right.

Its worth a shot though. And I mean a proper try. I know its hard when shes crying, but at that age I would be more inclined to try to not give in. The behaviour needs broken somehow.

Liking dummies or not is pretty irrelevant. Are you willing to go insane because you dont like dummies?

Your dd1 sounds wonderful - so considerate of her little sister!

Agree with Ephiny though, your DH needs to do a bit better. DD2 isn't going to get used to settling with him if she doesn't get a chance to. Why can't he walk the streets with her a few times to give you and DD1 an hour or so together? Not hundreds of times, but a couple of times to give DD1 some time without a baby crying while you do something with her? He probably isn't doing the following you so DD2 holds out her arms to you on purpose but if he keeps doing it accidentally then maybe it is best he leaves the house with DD2 or you go somewhere with DD1 while DD2 does learn that he can comfort her the way you can.