to ask how other mums WOH?

[fuzzypicklehead]

So as I was getting ready for work this morning, DD2 asked me for a cuddle...

whereupon she was copiously sick all over me. Cue the usual frantic conversation with DH about which of us was going to try to get the day off and stay home with her, followed by further scrambling to sort out something for tomorrow since she won't be allowed back to the childminders until after Christmas now.

Last week it was DD1 off school with ear infections in both ears.

And then you have the days when the childminder is sick, so you can't send the kids. And weeks where the childminder has annual leave, so you can't send the kids. And school/nursery holidays. And childminder family funerals when you can't send the kids.

When the hell do I actually get to go to work?

I don't book annual leave and I drag myself in to work when I'm dying of the plague to avoid letting people down... and yet it feels like a constant battle to get out of the house and earn a living. I just want to be able to afford food!

My DH just tells me "that's what you get for having kids". Is he right? Is this what it's like for all working parents?

I couldn't work outside the home without our nanny, for one thing I am out 12 hours a day and no nursery or childminder near here opens late enough. Even if they did I don't like the thought of my babies being out of the house for such a long day. Also as I have 12 mo twins its actually cheaper to have a nanny then two nursery places.

The main risk is if our nanny is ill but in the 6 months she's worked for us she hasn't taken a day off sick. And if she were I would work from home as I bring my laptop home every night and can log in remotely. No family within 250 miles, and DH does 14 hour days so he's not much use either!

Its doable without a nanny, support network of friends and family and flexi working as DH and I both work. We have to take it in turns to take the days off but have managed and DS is now 10. Its not been that hard bar a week of chickenpox in the early years. Certainy hasnt stopped either of us from working.

I don't mean to imply that my childminder takes the piss--she really doesn't. Being pretty much the only one in the village, she takes kids early in the morning, does the school run for the older ones, and gets them after school as well. But using a childminder does (for us) mean putting all our eggs in one basket, so when it goes wrong it's a real pain in the arse.

I do work from home when I can, but the bulk of my work requires being physically present. (Quite often lone working, so infecting others isn't really an issue) And the venue isn't consistent, so it's hard to choose a nursery on that basis.

As for DH, don't get me started. I try not to post about him because the sheer volume of LTB's would quite possibly break Mumsnet. (incidentally, his nickname is LTB. He doesn't know why.)

Dh probably takes more time off work than me to look after sick dc. He can work from home more easily. Sometimes we do a half day each as we both work fairly close to home.

As a fully grown adult he takes his fair share of responsibility. He doesn't feel judged at work for using his entitlement to look after his own children.

With our eldest, we can use gp's and my sister if they are available. Ds is still too young (at 2) to leave with them though. It also involves a fair old journey for them.

I don't see how dragging yourself in when I'll yourself aids the situation tbh. Sick leave is a different thing to "time off to look after dependants" surely?

At my work there's an unofficial rule that you can take 15 days a year self certified sick. I wouldn't dream of 'spending' any of it on child sickness, that's not what it's for. I take annual leave when my daughter is ill, or use TOIL, or try to work from home in the evening when DH is home. Am I being precious about this? I tend to be a bit black and white about things.

My CM took 2 weeks in August, is having 2 weeks at Xmas, and has had 5 days off sick since we started with her in the Summer. That's my entire leave allowance in half the year. My mum came down for one of the weeks in August but I hate asking her to do that. I'm trying to forward plan for next year by carrying over as much leave as I can and... well... getting pregnant again has helped. I can't keep doing that indefinitely though!

My two have been at nursery all along - it only shuts between Xmas and new year which means that both DH and I have sufficient annual leave to cover any sickness. It does shut for snow though.

Both our employers are fine with us taking short notice annual leave and now that DS2 is nearly 3, it's possible to get the odd bit done from home whilst nursing. Like rubyroo, we alternate pick ups and drop offs so often if the illness only comes out in the morning, it's whoever is at home who covers - if it's D&V and we know that it'll be a couple of days, we do diary bargaining to split the days up. When DS1 got chicken pox, we shipped in MIL and alternated working from home - she can't lift but can entertain kids! So managed about six hours during the day and caught up a couple in the evenings.

Now DS1 is with a childminder after school and holidays, things may change a bit.

But... If we didn't share it, had to cover other closures eg funerals, couldn't work from home and couldn't get extra help for prolonged sickness, it would be harder. And sharing it is the key factor making it easier. If you don't share, it's clear that your partner considers your job less important than his, and that will also be clear to your employer, giving you less job security, I would think - if your salary is necessary to your family's well being, your DH might want to give that some thought.

I don't think a childminder who can be ill and takes annual leave etc if suitable childcare unless you have family locally to help - need to use nursery which only is a problem if your kids ill. However childminder often cheaper, and more flexible so can see attraction.

FWIW I couldn't work without a nanny, because I don't have family help and have 3 children - she covers kids sickness / school closure etc and my employers wouldn't be happy with days off at short notice as no one else can cover for me as no one else in the company has my skill set. I have 2 kids at school and one at a nursery - but I accept that need a well paid job for this. I hope that once my youngest starts school we can get an au pair instead (I only work 3 days a week) so it would only be to cover the after school and holidays and illness.

I have a nanny, and if she is ever ill my work has a scheme whereby I'm entitled to five days per year of free emergency nanny cover via a care provider they outsource to. I don't know how I'd manage without the emergency five days!

wheredid that sounds like a good scheme. Is it a big company? Might mention it to our HR director...

Can I say a big, big thank you to all the parents on here who do NOT just go ahead and send their child into school/nursery when they are ill? Plenty of parents round our way seem to send their kids to school when they were sick 2 hours earlier, or are actually running a fever.

Makes my blood boil. I have largely sacrificed a career I love because we have no other backup when the kids get sick, and I just consider it my duty as a parent and a citizen to care forms sick child and not to spread the germs.

Totally agree building, I'm currently at home although unwell myself with one of my 3 because she is coughing and sneezing and looking all tired and not with it.

I am lucky that my boss recognises my hard work and comitment so in return allows me to be flexible when needed and that DH and I share that responsibility but when I see children at nursery or out side the school gate and you can see from their faces that they are poorly it makes me really cross because not only do I feel really sorry for the poor child I can't help think oh great another opportunity to pass the bug onto DD.

I don't think an adult should have to be off work with a cold incase they spread the germs but I do think some people need to think about their personal hygiene habits when fostering a cough and cold and sharing kitchen utensils, phones, keyboards etc.

I've seen people sneeze into their hands, wipe them on the seat cover and continue typing or someone feeling under the weather answering someone else's phone to take a message.

Catch it, bin it, kill it ffs.

I have several friends who are CMs and they all help each other out. If one of them needs time off due to being sick or whatever then the others will take the mindees if they can. Obviously sometimes it's unavoidable that they have to let the parents down because the other CMs are all up to their numbers, but it's a lot less than it would be if they didn't help each other out.

I left my old job and move to be near Grandparents for this very reason OP. It was really hard to cope before - I never realised that having 2 children and working would be so challenging.
Now I'm lucky enough to have Grandparents for emergencies and a much more family friendly employer.
Good to hear on here that it gets easier as they get older.

Hi ceeveebee, I work for a big company yes, and the service provider is Myfamilycare.co.uk - I used my full allocation for 2012, had two different nannies, both were very different people but both good, OFSTED registered etc as you would expect. My employer pays upfront rather than me having to pay and then expense it, which is a bonus, and if I had used all my days I would still be able to use the service, it would just be for my own account.

They also I believe provide care for individuals who have a caring role for their parents, if the parents' usual carer falls through, or if a parent is just discharged from hospital and requires additional care in the day, so it's not just for kids. I think they're filling a niche, and will be successful as long as quality of provision and reliability remains high - I've been quite impressed so far.

I'm a single parent who works full time so I half the time off available to me that couples have (dad doesn't see him). I make it work because I have no choice but to work to support my son and I refuse to rely on benefits to bring him up. I see working as a necessity in my position.

I've noticed that people in the UK will often take days off sick with illnesses that we would have worked with in the States. We didn't get sick pay and workplaces had much better measures to avoid cross-contamination, so if you physically could work then you did. So I probably beat myself up a bit too much when I have to be off.

Luckily I have a job where I can sometimes bring the kids with me if the childminder is poorly. It's much more stressful for me, but they love it.

I have used cm, nursery and a nanny. Of these the cm was by far the most reliable. The nursery would have nothing to do with dcs with slight temp/heavy cold and TBH I wouldn't have wanted them in that environment when under the weather. The cm would give them a sofa day much as I would have done and was very happy to administer calpol if necessary. (It helped that she had a helper who would go on the school run for her).

My nanny regularly called in sick with a cold. In 2years the cm didn't' have a single day sick and would arrange cover for her A/L.

Also goes without saying DH covered 50% of sick days (he still does) IMO anything else is not acceptable.

You're right alark. Either parent may have a job where it is hard to stay off without inconveniencing other people.

But the OP asked how everyone else manages to work full time with kids and for a lot of people - like me - it does involve my DH sharing the time off.

Neither of us works as a doctor/nurse etc so it is fair we share it. At some times, we would both let down others if we were off so the other parent takes that into account and steps in.

I suspect neither of our employers would be particularly happy if only one of us had the burden of all the time off - we work in a very competitive industry where lots of people work for free all the time so we have to bear that in mind.

Luckily we don't have the skills to benefit society so we can generally share the time off. Obviously other people have different arrangements but this is the way we do it.

if we need to be off it comes down to who has biggest priority to be in
as you said quite some things cant cancel,its not as easy as take turns 50:50
good parenting is negotiation and balance

I think LTB DH may have invoked some bad karma in this case by giving me such a hard time about having to go to work on Thursday. (I was relieving a person from a waking night shift and I knew I was the only person who could cover or the poor guy would have had to work round the clock)

So after making me feel generally crap for going in to work Thursday, I prepared to take DD2 in to work with me on Friday. Not ideal, but manageable. But then LTB DH developed a dental abcess and had to take off work to see emergency dentist. After which, I merrily skipped off to work leaving DD2 to nurse her poor ailing daddy...