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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask how other mums WOH?

97 replies

fuzzypicklehead · 20/12/2012 14:07

So as I was getting ready for work this morning, DD2 asked me for a cuddle...

whereupon she was copiously sick all over me. Cue the usual frantic conversation with DH about which of us was going to try to get the day off and stay home with her, followed by further scrambling to sort out something for tomorrow since she won't be allowed back to the childminders until after Christmas now.

Last week it was DD1 off school with ear infections in both ears.

And then you have the days when the childminder is sick, so you can't send the kids. And weeks where the childminder has annual leave, so you can't send the kids. And school/nursery holidays. And childminder family funerals when you can't send the kids.

When the hell do I actually get to go to work?

I don't book annual leave and I drag myself in to work when I'm dying of the plague to avoid letting people down... and yet it feels like a constant battle to get out of the house and earn a living. I just want to be able to afford food!

My DH just tells me "that's what you get for having kids". Is he right? Is this what it's like for all working parents?

OP posts:
WeWilsonAMerryChristmas · 20/12/2012 14:42

Nursery rather than cm for sure, that was one of the major factors in our decision when I went back to work.
GPs for emergency cover
Ability to work from home in an emergency.

Allegrogirl · 20/12/2012 14:43

We use a nursery instead of CM for this very reason. It's next to where I work.

DD1 is in reception and has a CM who's neighbour is also a CM so they cover each other for holidays. CM only has school age children so can have more children in her care. I also have friends that I can swap children with if necessary.

Lucky to have my parents close by in a tight squeeze. DH and I have shared the odd day with one going on early and swapping at lunchtime with other staying late to minimise time lost at the office. I work 3.5 days so potentially I can swap my hours around too.

My DDs get the usual coughs and colds but they are very rarely properly ill.

I do constantly dread a proper illness coming up as even though I work for the NHS with family friendly policies my boss is not supportive.

sieglinde · 20/12/2012 14:43

Yep to most of the above, but essentially you do have to suck up a career demerit or two or five. It's crucial that you and your partner take turns. STRICT turns, unless one of you has a vital something. YY you must keep going when sick yourself so you can take time off when they are.

Few nurseries will accept a sick child; OTOH, nannies and childminders themselves get sick. We eventually dumped the lot and worked four days each. Yes, 4 + 4 equals eight, but it worked out ok.

DON'T give up. It DOES get easier when they get older and can be left alone at least for a morning... not necessarily as in alone in the house, but reading etc while you work.

MrsChristmasBungle · 20/12/2012 14:45

I use a nursery rather than childminder too. DD is 3.5 and I've never had a day off work because of her illness yet. She's never had more than a slight sniffle - so far!

Original poster
fuzzypicklehead · 20/12/2012 14:50

It would be easier if DH took equal responsibility. He does take some leave to help out, but is really arsey about it because he "doesn't want me to take advantage". Hmm

OP posts:
InfiniteFairylights · 20/12/2012 14:53

I feel your pain, fuzzypicklehead. I am a single mum and I work school hours so that I don't have to pay for a child minder. It all works perfectly until DD is ill, but since September, I have used 4 days holiday on DD being ill, worked 2 Saturdays, (when DD is at her Dad's) to make up my hours and lost another couple of days pay, because I've run out of holidays.
It's not easy is it?

Dahlen · 20/12/2012 15:08

I sympathise. It's very, very hard. It does get better the older they get though.

TeamBacon · 20/12/2012 15:54

Doesn't want to take advantage of what?

AndBingoWasHisNameOh · 20/12/2012 15:56

We have a nanny. Not perfect as you're stuffed if they get sick but the baby gets sick far more often.

Angry at you "taking advantage" but asking him to look after his own children.

orangeberries · 20/12/2012 16:03

We have 4 children - all under 8 - and I don't find it as stressful as you because:

1 - I can work from home
2 - DH can work from home
3 - No family at all to help but we do take equal responsibility
4 - Use a nursery
5 - Work 3 days

I am not saying it is easy but it does mean that if a child is sick I can still work (from home) and it doesn't always fall to me. Sounds like you need to sort out your DH's attitude first and foremost!!!

twolittlemonkeys · 20/12/2012 16:09

TBH this is one of the reasons I am only just now going back to work (DC are 6 and 4 so both at school). We do not have parents or even any close friends nearby who could help with childcare in an emergency. That said, DH's boss is very supportive and unlike many childless employers errs on the side of 'I have no idea what it's like to have kids but your family comes first so take the time you need' (which was wonderful as he didn't have to take A/L when I was miscarrying and in hospital)

Fortunately the job I've been offered is school hours so DH and I will juggle our A/L to cover school holidays (using holiday clubs over the summer as necessary) and my boss says that when I start, I can install the programs I use at work on my home computer enabling me to work from home if the kids are ill rather than take A/L in term time. I consider myself very lucky to have found this job and if I hadn't found a really flexible job, I wouldn't have been able to consider going back to work.

Spuddybean · 20/12/2012 16:11

This is why i wont be able to go back to work. No family or friends nearby, not a family friendly employer and DP works away often/commutes 2 hrs each way when he is here - so could never help out with any pick ups or drop offs.

It is so depressingly sad that it is that hard.

forevergreek · 20/12/2012 16:12

A nanny will work when children are sick and unless they are dying themselves they will usually turn up

Spuddybean · 20/12/2012 16:13

oh sorry missed second page - i don't understand what your DP means 'take advantage'? Does he mean by asking him to help out with his children? Because that's odd isn't it?

scottishmummy · 20/12/2012 16:21

is your girl okay?I work with other parents and if I'm off they support
can you do any work at home on laptop?Work sometimes a juggle but worth it
but crucially need both parents pull weight,your dh isn't pulling his weight

Narked · 20/12/2012 16:21

If you have a suitable job and a good employer they'll be flexible about you working from home for the day. I'm always confused by how few companies and individual bosses are open to this. If you know you have an employee with a good work ethic, with mobiles, email and a laptop/tablet you can do most office work from home. You can phone/video conference into meetings and often get more done without (adult) people interupting you,

Narked · 20/12/2012 16:23

It's really easy to look busy, so having someone in the office is no guarantee they're actually working hard.

neriberi · 20/12/2012 16:32

Its exactly as pmcblonde said! Apart from my company isn't family friendly as such but they do understand that emergencies happen and as long as my work gets done (by me and not dumped on someone else) there's a fair bit of give and take to be had. I also get up stupidly early so that I'm showered, dressed and fed before any of the house wake up which helps for some odd reason.

MulledWineAndScully · 20/12/2012 16:33

I can empathise, OP.

We both work full time, no family around whatsoever (we're northerners living down south)... My DH is a self-employed tradesman and won't let customers down. So it's always me taking days off when DD or the CM is ill. CM is ill (or one of her teenage children is, so she can't have DD...) at least one day a month. That's 12 days annual leave of my 25 right there.

I am starting to get massively hacked off with it now and contemplating a change in childcare arrangements (after a particularly harrowing week this week, can you tell?). We looked into nurseries when I first RTW but they are a) not as convenient location-wise and b) massively more expensive. There is a cheap and convenient nursery right outside the gates of my work but they only take them 9-3. I am considering this might be a better option when I return from the next bout of maternity leave.

Because in all honesty we are barely coping with having one child and working FT, so having two I would almost never be at work and be taking special unpaid leave left right and centre.

My boss is fantastic and has no problem with me dropping everything if I need to (my company is pretty family friendly) but I don't because I don't want to take the mick.... and plus there are always murmurs from other staff about "women with children nggggggyyyyahhh" etc which I'd rather just not have directed at me.

BluelightsAndSirens · 20/12/2012 16:34

It is a struggle as like you we have no family support but as my lovely boss said it should be viewed as the childcare years Smile every year that goes by we are getting closer to not having to pay for childcare, I work 9.30 till 2.30 5 days a week so although full time week only part time hours.

I agree with nursery over CM due to illness and holidays etc

MammaTJ · 20/12/2012 16:39

My DP works days, I work nights. The only thing that happens if a DC is ill is I go without sleep during the day but then SAHM would go without sleep with a poorly child as does my DP when I am at work.

Inebriatededna · 20/12/2012 16:41

I am a childminder and would like to make a few points , I and most childminders I know take maximum 3 weeks annual leave , not a lot to cover especially for 2 parent families with around 5 weeks annual leave each . We have to abide by ofsted regulations regarding not having children who have been sick for 48 hours in the same way nurseries do but will often have children with colds and temperatures who would not be allowed to nursery and I for one would have to be very ill to take a day off sick knowing I would be letting down 4/5 families and most times other childminder friends would cover me as they would for those very inconvenient funerals I have to attend .
Lastly I strongly beleive that continuity of care comes from handing your child to the same person every day not a string of nursery workers.

whois · 20/12/2012 16:43

YY you must keep going when sick yourself so you can take time off when they are

That is fucking selfish bullshit. The amount of threads on here "aunts x came round and gave my pfb a cold, she is a cow" and you are totally happy to go into work and infect everyone there.

Seriously, and people wonder why women with children get a bad rep at work.

scottishmummy · 20/12/2012 16:46

lol can't leave that gross inaccuracy unchallenged nursery don't have a string if workers.
they have key workers and steady core of staff.all known to parent and children
nursery way more reliable than cm,as it doesn't solely depend upon 1person

sleepyhead · 20/12/2012 16:50

I can work from home if need be. This only really works if the child is either:

a) in bed asleep sick, or on sofa dozing sick or
b) old enough to amuse themselves if they're only off school for infection control purposes

Luckily my work is fairly flexible so I can work in the evenings if need be.

I try not to do more than one day in a row like this though and am lucky that I can call on my parents if need be (50 miles away), and also dh works shifts so often only need to find cover for an afternoon here and there for us both to be able to go to work as normal.