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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at women not coming to dept dinner because they have to feed their men

76 replies

lecce · 20/12/2012 05:35

As a department we are going to the school production tonight and for a meal first. Three of the 6 of us are not coming to the meal because they are bringing partners to the show (why?? Dh would rather have his teeth pulled ) and these men will need their dinner first .

One of the women is considerably older than the rest of us, one is my age and the other is in her twenties, ffs! The two younger ones have form and are always talking about how helpless their men are and would never eat if they (the women) didn't cook! Once, the one in her 20s had forgotten about an after-school meeting and had to frantically phone around her family who live nearby to find another woman who would cook the bloke's tea!

AIBU to find it depressing that people still live like this and to find it rude that they will not attend the dept 'do'? ingated the Secret Santa and I think it's a shame that these gits won't be handed out at the meal but in a rush at break-time. Hod has bought our show tickets and another gift for each of us and I know she is disappointed - I don't know, it just seems to be a snub!

Before anyone starts I do like these women (especially the yougest, actually) and we get on welll as a department. I just struggle to understand this mindset.

OP posts:

YouSeveredHead · 20/12/2012 05:41

Well maybe they struggle to understand yours. If they are happy I don't see what the problem is.

MammaTJ · 20/12/2012 05:41

Just to clarify, this is a school production and you are staff rather than parents of children in the production?

EmmaBemma · 20/12/2012 05:42

Maybe they're just looking for an excuse to get out of the department dinner. I'm sure if they really wanted to come, their men would be able to subsist on a takeaway/something warmed up from the freezer, even if they really can't cook.

AmbrosiaCreamedMice · 20/12/2012 05:42

Are you a teacher?

Original poster

lecce · 20/12/2012 05:45

Yes, we are all teachers at a secondary school. The oldest woman is our dept TA.

Emma I thought that but we really do get on - we usually meet up over the summer, for example, and these women really are always on about their helpless men. I think they'd rather just go with their men and, yes, I know it's their choice but I do find it rude.

OP posts:

NervousReindeer · 20/12/2012 05:48

Men would order a take out if the women really wanted to go or they would go to the pub ect.. There's plenty they can do to get dinner without cooking so I think it's an excuse to get out of it I'm afraid

MammaTJ · 20/12/2012 05:59

I agree, they just don't want to go!

stookiesackhouse · 20/12/2012 06:08

Yanbu.

I think they are being rude. This is the one time of year they could make an effort with colleagues. Dinner wouldn't kill them.

Some people are selfish and just don't like a switch from their routine or to put themselves out at all.

fenix · 20/12/2012 06:08

If they don't want to go, fair enough, but it's pretty poor form to hide behind their partner's stomachs as an excuse not to go... these are grown women, surely it's not so hard to say, "I'll give it a miss, but you have fun".

The picture you paint does suggest they are the type of women who feign eye-rolls and exasperated sighs over their partner's helplessness, as though having a incompetent or lazy partner were something to be proud of. I've only ever seen this used to make themselves feel important and indispensable, can we call them partner martyrs?

Ultimately, I think most people would struggle to live with a slob who can't feed themselves or turn on a washing machine - for me, all respect would die and I'd be resentful as hell. There's nothing unsexier than an oversized manchild (or female equivalent) that won't fend for himself. Sooo, it's likely a case of them exaggerating their partner's abilities as a way of boosting themselves and feeling needed and special, as pathetic as that is.

TheNebulousBoojum · 20/12/2012 06:10

I've always found it odd how many women treat their OH as if they were dependent on their mummy skills, but then it's often the same women whoa re happy in gender-defined roles that mean they don't have to do anything traditionally seen as a male thing. Horses for courses.
Teaching is also a demanding job, run largely on guilt, living up to other people's expectations and having to placate those with unreasonable requests a lot of the time, so maybe they find it easier to run around after their men rather than deal with any sulks and tantrums.
Yes it is depressing, it's why I've hidden the relationships boards on here. My response would normally be WTF? WHY?

rumbelina · 20/12/2012 06:11

It's a shit excuse. If I wanted to get out of going to something I could think of a much better excuse than 'my husband is an idiot'

ohfunnyFRANKENface · 20/12/2012 06:16

That is weird.

To have three in one dpt is unfortunate- perhaps they feel their partner's incompetence is normalised by seeing it in their friends too?

I'd grumble too.

Food tech dpt?

Marzipanface · 20/12/2012 06:23

It is a crap excuse.
There is no way I would miss out on a meal in order to cook for my DH. He can sort himself out because he is a GROWN UP.

Surely they can't be serious? Perhaps it is just an excuse. As for the woman ringing around to find someone to cook... unbelievable!

Fairylea · 20/12/2012 06:25

Extremely odd excuse if it is an excuse. I'm a sahm and my dh could cook if necessary! Even a ready meal in the microwave surely?!!

TheNebulousBoojum · 20/12/2012 06:30

If an adult can't feed themselves, and there are no additional circumstances such as disability or illness, that is a major problem that is the responsibility of that adult to solve. Not any one else's.

ClaudiaSchiffer · 20/12/2012 06:31

YANBU

Notch it up in the "people are pathetic" column.

I would be pissed of too, I can't bear leechy men who leechy leech of stupid co-dependent women.

They can make some toast can't they? If not then they can starve.

Astelia · 20/12/2012 06:34

I think they have made up the (pathetic) excuses as they don't want to go.

I am a teacher and I think a dept meal followed by a school production does sound a bit grim. Having to pay for a meal out where you can't even have a drink as you will then be on duty at school is not my idea of fun.

Do the secret Santa thing at break time with some mince pies. Let everyone plan their own evenings and getting to the play.

I am guessing it is a female-only department?

Astelia · 20/12/2012 06:39

PS the woman ringing round to find someone to cook for her DH only has herself to blame if she enables his feebleness. Is she that desperate to be needed? The man might not have wanted any help- every man I know would be embarrassed to be run around after like this.

poachedeggs · 20/12/2012 06:39

Oh I know all about this. My mum does it. She'll always have to dash home, can't stop, better get back, haven't fed your father. She's genuinely resentful about it but she's never encouraged any effort on his part, or expressed to him that she doesn't want to cook all the time. She just uses it so she can play the martyr.

Of course since she's obsessively done this for almost forty years my dad is a shit cook which perpetuates the whole tedious cycle.

I'd suggest you tell them to woman the fuck up and stop acting like 50s housewives. It's embarrassing and ridiculous.

Can you tell I haven't had much sleep?!

SoldeInvierno · 20/12/2012 06:43

Maybe they can't afford going out for another dinner and they are using their husbands as an excuse. I hope it is that, anyway.

Original poster

lecce · 20/12/2012 06:44

We're not food tech, we are the English department - which somehow makes it worse, imo!

Yes, I guess they really don't want to go, though I really don't get why . I suppose it does sound grim but it's really not, honest. It is a talent show and we are a close-knit school and love seeing the kids perform. Also, members of staff take part which is always a laugh and chance for a bitch.

Meanies .

OP posts:

BelleDameSousMistletoe · 20/12/2012 06:52

poachedeggs I think I love you! My thoughts exactly.

Talk about perpetuation of stereotypical gender roles! And these women are teachers?

TheNebulousBoojum · 20/12/2012 06:55

'Talk about perpetuation of stereotypical gender roles! And these women are teachers?'

Yes.

'Teaching is also a demanding job, run largely on guilt, living up to other people's expectations and having to placate those with unreasonable requests a lot of the time, so maybe they find it easier to run around after their men rather than deal with any sulks and tantrums.'

whistlestopcafe · 20/12/2012 06:55

YANBU. I know a few people like this. Pathetic.

SomersetONeil · 20/12/2012 06:56

B-b-but - even if it is an excuse, it's such a cringeworthily embarrassing excuse...! I mean, people might actually believe you, that you have such a doofus buffoon of a useless husband, and that was as good as you could get for yourself...?!? People are willing to openly admit this about their men, or even use it as an excuse??! I don't believe it.

The mind boggles.

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