To be annoyed at women not coming to dept dinner because they have to feed their men

[lecce]

As a department we are going to the school production tonight and for a meal first. Three of the 6 of us are not coming to the meal because they are bringing partners to the show (why?? Dh would rather have his teeth pulled ) and these men will need their dinner first .

One of the women is considerably older than the rest of us, one is my age and the other is in her twenties, ffs! The two younger ones have form and are always talking about how helpless their men are and would never eat if they (the women) didn't cook! Once, the one in her 20s had forgotten about an after-school meeting and had to frantically phone around her family who live nearby to find another woman who would cook the bloke's tea!

AIBU to find it depressing that people still live like this and to find it rude that they will not attend the dept 'do'? ingated the Secret Santa and I think it's a shame that these gits won't be handed out at the meal but in a rush at break-time. Hod has bought our show tickets and another gift for each of us and I know she is disappointed - I don't know, it just seems to be a snub!

Before anyone starts I do like these women (especially the yougest, actually) and we get on welll as a department. I just struggle to understand this mindset.

I didn't go on my works Christmas do, because I didn't want to. I'm not miserable, I love Xmas. But I spend enough time with my work colleagues and prefer to spend my spare time with my friends and family.

I can see why they felt like they needed an excuse, you sound like someone who would pewter them to come. It is a crap excuse though

Hmm . . . I think there are two questions here.
AYBU to be annoyed/perplexed at men who "can't cook their own dinner" ? No, I don't think so.

But the colleagues not wanting to come on a departmental meal before the show because their partners are coming to the show with them and they want to eat with them? I think that's nice, and perfectly understandable. In fact, in your shoes I'd be a bit pissed off that MY DH would "rather have his teeth pulled out" than go to see a show at my school. Sounds like the other DHs are being supportive of their wives in way yours isn't.

Love 'Woman the fuck up'!

YANBU, its tedious, although I too suspect its an excuse I hate going to work dos that I don't want to go to

There's a guy I work with who's married to a teacher. If his wife is working late and so won't be doing dinner at the usual time my colleague will go to a cafe for a proper cooked lunch rather than have his usual sandwich.

Which always leaves me wondering what his wife is going to eat when she comes back late, tired and starving from an extra-long day at work. I somehow doubt my colleague would have done her anything. She probably had to start making a late supper as soon as she gets through the door

I think it is just an excuse- the best they could come up with- they simply don't want to go. In the unlikely even that their DP couldn't cook they only need to leave something to heat up.

Balloonslayer Bollocks, sorry, but bollocks. I know you can only comment on what you've read but the fact is my dh will be 16 miles away where we live, with our dc - the other people are all more local to the school. But he would not want to come if we lived next door with no dc, and I don't blame him. I love going because I know the kids so it's fab to see them on stage performing. Seeing random kids I don't know performing wouldn't do it for me and I can quite see why dh wouldn't want to come.

It's a work thing and I'm not too sure why some people have to come with partners at all, tbh. it spoils the dynamic of the group and means that they just talk to their partner rather than the rest of us - mostly. I think it's nice to socialise a little bit with colleagues at the end of a busy term, rather than sit with your partner, but hey...

I would not/have not perstered anyone to go - that's why I'm on here having a rant instead .

I do find it hard to respect people who run around after their men in this way, I really do and, though I get that in this case they may be using it as a handy excuse, I we do hear a lot of the same sort of talk all year round - it is a sign of how they live .

I don't think heating it up would be an option - lots of talk has gone on about how they can't do beans on toast, broke the microwave last time he tried to use it, really would starve if cooking wasn't done.

Sadly, I expect that the same women don't let their DCs loose in the kitchen and are spreading helplessness to the next generation.

I know, exotic. the two younger women don't have dc and the older of these two doesn't want them. However, the younger one does and I really worry about how her life would be if dc did come along. She seriously does everything to home and her job is stressful and time-consumng. Her dp is in casual, manual work so she is really the breadwinner and I can just see her having to return to work AND still being expected to do everything at home too .

snorbs that's really sad.

They probably feel sorry for you because your HDTV doesn't want to come...

I also would make up some shit excuse to not go for a dept dinner, I spend enough time with work colleagues, and much prefer spending time with my own family.

Dh obv. Not HDTV stupid iPad/fat fingers combo!

They don't want to go and don't want to be nagged to death to go.

Why anyone wants to go out with people they work with 8-10 hours a day is beyond me.

Ridiculous excuse, even the most dizzy and vague person can make themselves some toast or order a takeaway. I agree with other posters, they just cba.

Who's nagging them?

it's a shame that some people have such poor relationships with the people they work with.

I don't choose who I work with, I do choose who I live with. Guess who'd I'd rather eat with?

I don't have spare money for eating out and haven't been on a Work Christmas Jolly for many years. This year I could have gone but OH wouldn't have been back form work to look after DS2 on time and I didn't have the extra-extra money for a baby-sitter (and I don't actually know any anyway).

I'm not sure that I'd want to explain to all and sundry about my financial situation to a work colleague who I felt was perpetually judging me, so I might make up an excuse. It wouldn't be "my OH is not capable of buying take-away though.

Maybe your colleagues should have co-ordinated their excuses so they didn't all come out with the same one.

Why does it bother you how other people live? If they are happy feeding their husbands and bringing them to the school production then that's up to them. If its not a problem for them, and the only one who considers it a problem is you, then maybe it's not them that needs to change their attitude.

I'd love my DH to come to our school Nativity. He's heard me banging on about it for the last three weeks, and I like sharing stuff with him. That doesn't mean I have a poor relationship with my colleagues, it means I have a nice relationship with my husband.

I cant bear this too (if it is in fact why they are not.coming rather than their lame excuse). A lady who works with me will do the odd 12-8.30pm shift when her dh is off and she has to make the tea before she leaves at 11am baffling!

Perhaps they can't afford a meal out? There is a recession on you know and Christmas is a very expensive time.

I make loads of excuses to get out of things at work. I see these people every day and like them but don't generally want to spend evenings with them.

I think it's an excuse. Women moan about their men/mil/ kids as its conversation and bit necessarily true..

Your remark about being English teachers is a bit strange? English teachers are just as likely as any other women to be married to useless or even violent twats.. It's not a class or education thing.

I think you sound lovely though op and hope the show is great.

I think a lot if people are missing the point. So what if they can't go. Say they can't make it but don't make out you are a martyr for not going!!

It is like when I have to go away for work and people ask who is looking after DC and are amazed when I say their father?! Who the hell else?

And I am another one who works with great people. I really enjoy a Christmas meal out with them all. Surely if you hate your colleagues you find a new job? I see my DH most nights and am quite pleased with a night or two away! Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that!

I find the attitude 'I see enough of my colleagues at work' strange and pretty mean-spirited.

I spend between forty and fifty hours a week with mine and quite naturally have developed friendships. So I love having the odd night out with them - it's a chance to enjoy each others' company outside a professional capacity. We are well-bonded and work as a really close-knit team.

There are a couple of people who openly state 'I don't do work dos' which is fine, and totally their prerogative. Incidentally they are grumpy, insular and the least team-minded of all of us.

Yanbu. If they didn't want to go they could have used 101 excuses, but they chose to say it was because their husbands need feeding.

FWIW I probably wouldn't eat so will if dp didn't cook most of the time

Isn't it a personal thing, whether you want to spend social time with colleagues or not, in any line of work?

I can totally understand why some of them just would prefer to eat with their partner before coming to a school thing, presumably they want to catch up with them after a day of separation and would feel a bit mean not seeingthem for the evening meal...or they just want to see them...I don't get why this is so selfish or strange?

Maybe that meal together is the only chance they get to talk all day?

People are different and have different priorities. Saying a partner can't cook, well it's a bit lame but it is unlikely that the partner truly couldn't survive alone. It probably just means they enjoy being with their partner for supper and don't see a reason to forfeit that for a school colleague get together.

My sister can't understand why I don't like going travelling, or moving house every year, or going out for meals/to shows/etc etc. She thinks I'm pathetic.

I just feel happier at home. I don't know why. We're different. I admire her outgoing lifestyle and don't criticise it, but for me, being at home is the thing I prefer.

Try and let it go, I'm sure it isn't personal.

I never hear all this miserableness about going to Christmas parties in real life, only on mumsnet! Everyone I've ever worked with enjoys socialising with colleagues, and to be honest it really lessens the strain of our jobs (clinical NHS staff) if we all have a relationship outside of work. OP I don't think they are making excuses, I think they genuine think they are indispensable to their partners and sadly some people like that feeling. If you are all going to the show afterwards then there's no reason for them to make an excuse to get out of dinner. Also agree that's its a bit annoying when people bring partners to work dos as it does change the dynamic having someone there that you don't all know well.

Glad some people can see it my way! I really like these women - we have a great laugh together and, in fact, I am getting to the point where I'm readyish for promotion but one of the things stopping me is the worry that I won't find such nice colleagues elsewhere .

I'm just a bit sad that we're not all going to have a nice meal and giggle together before Christmas.