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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that the MIL should put our children first instead of her dogs?

70 replies

allotmentgirl82 · 19/12/2012 18:55

Background:
MIL lives in Spain with her 6 dogs. Two of the dogs were given to her as guard dogs- (she lives all alone, 15 mins walk from the nearest village-up a dirt track), she rescued two dogs that had been dumped by the road and the other two are puppies (the guard dog is the mum).
MIL moved to Spain 5 yrs ago. We have visited once (money is tight), she has never been back to visit us.
I gave birth to our daughter in July this year- MIL said she would come and visit in August. She still hasn't come over. I offered to pay for her ticket, but she said no as she has no one to look after her dogs- she has plenty of friends but won't ask them.
I'm upset she is putting the bloody dogs before her grandchildren.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 19/12/2012 18:58

I'm not a dog person at all but my mum has 3 and is just like your mum. She actually won't leave them more than 2 hours alone so won't even come on days out with us!

Anyway... I do understand why you're upset but looking after 6 dogs is a massive ask of anybody.. I'd imagine she doesn't feel comfortable asking her friends after all. Even if they said yes I'd doubt they'd provide a level of care your mum would feel content with.

Could you save a bit more and then visit her on a holiday type situation ?

HazleNutt · 19/12/2012 19:00

why don't you go over instead? It's actually not easy to find someone to take care of 6 dogs, especially if she lives in a remote and not easily accessible place.

Dannilion · 19/12/2012 19:01

YABU

LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake · 19/12/2012 19:01

If I'd suddenly found myself looking after 6 dogs I wouldn't leave them either.

In fact I now have an elderly dog and 3 elderly cats I can't leave now.

LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake · 19/12/2012 19:03

I wonder who you expect to look after them? They are her companions now day to day if she lives remotely.

chrismissymoomoomee · 19/12/2012 19:03

YABU what do you expect her to do with them?

MrsTerrysChocolateOrange · 19/12/2012 19:04

Dogs are a massive responsibility and not one to take lightly. She is not BU to make sure they are cared for. It sucks for you though and I understand why you feel sad about this.

Spuddybean · 19/12/2012 19:06

what do you think she should do with them while she visits?

Pandemoniaa · 19/12/2012 19:06

I also understand why you are upset but looking after 6 dogs is quite a big ask. My dm lived on a small farm in Ireland and the difficulty of getting her animals looked after meant it was much harder for her to visit us. She wasn't putting her animals before her gc, but she wasn't prepared to leave them untended either. I expect your dm feels similarly.

If you can afford to pay for her ticket, why not go yourself?

scurryfunge · 19/12/2012 19:06

I can see why you are upset but she can't just abandon the dogs.

Witchety · 19/12/2012 19:07

Yabu!!

GhostShip · 19/12/2012 19:10

YABU.

What should she do, leave them to fend for themselves?

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 19/12/2012 19:10

I'd be upset too, but she's tied herself down quite firmly. I can't imagine it will be easy for her to find someone to take all 6 dogs while she travels. This is why we've stuck to one dog which we can afford to board.

PartridgeInASpicyPearTree · 19/12/2012 19:10

YABU - she is being a responsible owner. Really, what is she supposed to do with her dogs? It would be a huge ask of anyone to take six dogs and it's not fair to expect her to ask this of friends. I'm not sure what boarding options there are in Spain but here to board six would cost a small fortune.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 19/12/2012 19:12

YANBU.
This really makes me crazy. My parents have dogs and of course they need to be looked after properly when they're away but there's always some reason why the dog sitter isn't appropriate - so expensive! (But they think it's okay to drop eight grand US on flights to the US for the four of us) - or a kennel won't work, or they are feeling a bit poorly, or or or...I've heard it all over the years.

Animals tie people down massively - we didn't have one for years for this reason. It is annoying to feel like the MIL prioritised getting a dog and in her case half a dozen dogs which would restrict her so much. Honestly to he people who say: Can't you visit them? That's what you will find yourself doing and it's bloody annoying year in and year out.

If people want to do this dont' complain when others can't come as well, won't put their animal commitments first.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 19/12/2012 19:15

Yes it's expensive to have someone look after so many animals but the point is in your calculation of whether it's worth it to you to take that step most people would like to think that a person factored that cost in when they made the decision. NOt took the view, my son and his family can ALWAYS come to me. It's one of the considerations to weigh up when you make that move.

MakeItALarge · 19/12/2012 19:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairylea · 19/12/2012 19:17

The thing is, people who have dogs like my mum and like the mum of the op, wouldn't be happy putting them in kennels because to them that would be like putting their children in kennels. And unless a friend was to actually move in with the dogs (someone did this for my mum when she was in hospital, and it's a huge massive ask of anyone) then it won't be good enough.

Like other posters, I would never have dogs for the sheer responsibility of them.

TidyDancer · 19/12/2012 19:18

YABU. Your MIL has a responsibility towards her dogs and she is being sensible about it. You'd want to worry more if she was willing to leave them at the drop of a hat. Is that what you'd like her to do?

Tbh, your post comes across as quite rude about her and the dogs.

GhostShip · 19/12/2012 19:18

ladyharriet so what do you suggest these people do then, not have pets in case precious people don't like that they can't jump up and visit at their beck and call?

ethelb · 19/12/2012 19:19

Does she need a house sitter? I am comfortable around dogs and could happily spend some time in Spain in a house 15 mins up a dirt track. Would pay flights and food for bed!

We are a naice professional couple, 20s, no kids.

(serious post btw)

Spuddybean · 19/12/2012 19:19

My parents have dogs - they love them. But because DP is allergic, it means we can't visit them and they can't visit us with the dogs. So would have to kennel them. This means they can't visit often and now as we are moving abroad they wont be able to visit us and we can't come back and stay with them.

But they enjoy having their dogs and get day to day companionship. It would be unfair of me to suggest they do not have pets so we can see each other once or twice per year.

So because they have dogs they wont see their gcs very much.

LadyHarrietdeSpook · 19/12/2012 19:22

You can't have it all.

Apparently the MIL can't have six dogs and leave Spain to visit family members. I would frankly be disappointed if my mother had done that, had made the decision to get all the dogs but didn't have a solution in mind that would enable her to come and visit me from time to time. This is what we did before we got our pet, made sure we had solutions as we have family commitments abroad and need to travel.

I can't see why other people don't do the same frankly IF they care about also being able to visit people, and not just expect people to come to them, which is effectively prioritising a commitment they haven't made themselves.

GhostShip · 19/12/2012 19:23

My mum openly says that without her dog she would have committed suicide. He's been her companion when me and my brothers couldn't be there. She bloody loves that dog.

If she moved, and it meant either me going to her or her leaving Harley (which she wouldn't do anyway) I'd go and not complain in the slightest. I owe that dog a lot! :o

bradywasmyfavouritewiseman · 19/12/2012 19:23

Its not always the cost of boarding. Some people don't want to.
my pils only visit us for an hour at a time. Because of their dogs.

I don't went to be tied down like that so I haven't got one.

Op yabu, she isn't choosing the dogs over your children. She has a lifestyle and it is not conducive to visiting the UK. Just like your lifestyle stops you visiting her.

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