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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that the MIL should put our children first instead of her dogs?

70 replies

allotmentgirl82 · 19/12/2012 18:55

Background:
MIL lives in Spain with her 6 dogs. Two of the dogs were given to her as guard dogs- (she lives all alone, 15 mins walk from the nearest village-up a dirt track), she rescued two dogs that had been dumped by the road and the other two are puppies (the guard dog is the mum).
MIL moved to Spain 5 yrs ago. We have visited once (money is tight), she has never been back to visit us.
I gave birth to our daughter in July this year- MIL said she would come and visit in August. She still hasn't come over. I offered to pay for her ticket, but she said no as she has no one to look after her dogs- she has plenty of friends but won't ask them.
I'm upset she is putting the bloody dogs before her grandchildren.

OP posts:

Feckthehalls · 19/12/2012 20:40

what I meant was you are not unreasonable to be pissed off ( everything to do with dogs pisses me off ) but you are being unreasonable to expect HER to put your child before her dogs.

Because she is mad dog lady

NapaCab · 19/12/2012 20:47

YANBU - she obviously isn't that interested in seeing your daughter, since it's been almost six months and she hasn't done anything about it. Not that there's anything wrong with that: maybe she does care more for her 6 dogs than her (first?) grandchild. There are people out there who are that fanatical about their pets. I can't fathom it personally as surely there are dog hotels or a friend who could dog-sit for her for a few days but she obviously doesn't want to do that.

I would just move on and stop thinking about it. She's made her priorities clear so just leave it at that. I wouldn't bother making the effort to visit her or anything, especially with a young baby. You have your priorities, she has hers and never the twain shall it seems so just forget about it. It's her loss.

Original poster

allotmentgirl82 · 20/12/2012 16:09

have just found out from OH that the dogs had a fight and MIL had to split them up and got bitten badly.
She got sacked from her job 3 weeks ago, so has no money.
We have sent her £200 to buy and get the bites treated at the hospital, and she has spent the money on the dogs food- its costs 30 euros a week to feed them all!
I am worried about my MIL, she is depressed and cries on the phone when we ring her (every other day).
to a pp- our passports have run out-it will cost nearly £400 before we buy flights/hotel etc something we cannot afford especially as im on mat leave.

OP posts:

Original poster

allotmentgirl82 · 20/12/2012 16:18

NapaCab- our daughter is her 4th grandchild. We have two boys and BIL has a daughter too.
BIL is annoyed with her too- he wants her to come home.
MIL moved there when FIL died. She lived with us whilst her house sold, then bought a house out there and has lived there ever since. BIL says he feels abandoned sometimes, and obviously misses her so much.
MIL left her dog with us when she moved to Spain as she didn't want to take him with her!
We are dog owners too- so we know you can't just up and leave them on their own. We put our dog in kennels when we go on holiday.
I suppose i'm just disappointed that she hasn't seen the kids in ages. The kids don't ask or talk about her anymore :(
I grew up 30 miles away from my grandparents but we saw them every saturday, i'm just sad my our children not to have that bond with her

OP posts:

Original poster

allotmentgirl82 · 20/12/2012 16:36

SamSmalaidh- we have 3 children aged 10,8 and 5 months.
She can't pay for flights as she has no job. She was working- cash in hand- but got sacked because she took a day off sick. We are sending money to her so she can buy food and pay for electricity.

OP posts:

atacareercrossroads · 20/12/2012 16:49

I understand why she wouldnt want to ask her friends, its a big responsibility, so what do you suggest she do op?

KEDB · 20/12/2012 17:02

I appreciate how disappointed you must feel that MIL isn't able to visit. I had a similar problem with my own mother not visiting for over 6mths even though she only lived 1.5 hours away by car yet passed by every two months en route to a holiday home she and my father own. Their excuse? Because they have a cat they take with them in the car and it couldn't be left in the car in order to even come in for a cup of tea, even though I offered it could come in to the house. However, we now have a dog and I realise how much harder that is to leave with anyone. I can't imagine having six as it would prevent me doing anything. Perhaps you can come to a financial agreement whereby you somehow share the cost of your visit?

valiumredhead · 20/12/2012 17:03

It's a big favour to ask a friend to look after six dogs - they aren't like cats where you can just pop in and feed them.

whyno · 20/12/2012 17:10

Oh God I have this too. My mum and sister, will never visit us and I can't help but take it personally, especially on my DS's behalf! We visit them all the time and it's really hard not to let it upset me.

5hounds · 20/12/2012 17:35

I have 5dogs, I couldn't leave them. My neighbour has 2, we look after each others when needed but only for the day. Mine are rescues and all have there individual problems, my neighbour is the only person I trust with them.

amothersplaceisinthewrong · 20/12/2012 17:39

What, she has no money for food and heat and light but keeps 6 dogs???????????

natation · 20/12/2012 17:50

Why are you sending money to someone who chooses to feed 6 dogs but says they have no money for themselves? If you stopped sending your MIL money, she might finally get her priorities right.

natation · 20/12/2012 17:55

Is it worth looking up details of dog refuges? Having read everything OP has written, it's obvious the MIL is not caring for these dogs or herself properly, she needs to give up all but 1 dog perhaps, get herself another legal job, or consider taking in a lodger or selling up. These things really need to be sorted before any visit to see the grandchildren.

GhostShip · 20/12/2012 19:20

hey are animals and are not "companions" as they are animals - they don't talk, they are not family

Speak for yourself, in our family dogs are part of the family and are much more worthy companions then some of the people in this world.

lljkk · 21/12/2012 07:46

I don't think there is much in the way of animal shelters in Spain. Even if culturally they were sympathetic, the country is on its knees economically.

MIL doesn't hardly ever visit because X doesn't like long journeys in the car (we live under 3 hours away & the train service is good as alternative), has sore hips, finds our household too noisy, doesn't like different food or places. And seemingly can't be left on his own for the day. X is FIL, btw. So that's a whole adult who in theory can fend for self, but can't after all.

Original poster

allotmentgirl82 · 05/02/2013 14:24

MIL is returning to the Uk this thursday :)
We have paid for her one way ticket and she will be staying with us.
5 of her dogs have gone to an animal sanctuary- owned by english people- MIL will be sending them donations once she has a job over here.
The other dog- a chihuahua- is living with her neighbour until she goes home

OP posts:

maninawomansworld · 07/02/2013 09:27

Some people really love their animals. TBH I'd put my mutts before most people's kids.

sheeplikessleep · 07/02/2013 09:33

OP - my MIL was the same. YANBU.
Lives about 4 hours drive away. After we travelled loads with DS1, I think MIL expected us to travel to her again with DS2. But he hated his car seat, screamed in it all of the time. I wasn't prepared for him to scream for 4 hours as a newborn.
Bit of a stalemate, but eventually she visited when he was 6 months old. She has 8 cats and 2 dogs and they sorted a housesitter in the end.
I'm pregnant again with DC3 and I know that MIL will wait until we visit her at Christmas, rather than visit us.

Just seen your last post OP - that's good news! Still, I don't blame you for being upset at her reluctance to visit.

My MIL has photos everywhere of her cats and dogs. None of her grandchildren. I'm a bit used to it all now.

Sashapineapple · 07/02/2013 09:37

Glad you/she got it sorted out.
There are lots of dog shelters here because the need is so great. Dogs are often abandoned on the street. It's so sad.
For the future you might want to suggest the 'Mind My House' website. We have friends with dogs and they often have housesitters that also look after the dogs when they go away. It doesn't cost anything because the housesitters are getting free digs. They have used it at least 10+ times and never had a problem.

EssexGurl · 07/02/2013 10:10

My ILs put their holidays before my kids. They have at least 8 weekends away plus a couple of week holidays in the year. They miss birthdays and demand we visit at times to suit them.

So, at least dogs are living breathing things rather than a holiday that can be taken at any time in the year.

But, I still don't think yabu!

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