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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask FIL not to do jobs in our house?

54 replies

HoratiaLovesBabyJesus · 19/12/2012 08:35

Sometimes FIL and MIL look after our DCs in our house. We are probably up to half a dozen times, compared to the many times they have done so in their own house.

When they do so, FIL always without fail finds a job that needs doing but isn't remotely urgent and does it. We then get a lecture about not having done it ourselves.

I find this terribly rude. It isn't his house so it isn't his business. Jobs like brushing the patio do not affect the health or well-being of his grandsons, whereas ignoring them instead of playing with them just might.

WIBU to ask him not to do so, but to "relax and enjoy the DCs" or similar? Failing that, WIBU to pull out the old "Did you mean to be so rude?" if he does this once again?

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 19/12/2012 08:37

Don't be mean. Lots of grandfathers don't know how to occupy themselves while their wives are happily busy with grandchildren. Say a huge "thank you" with a beaming smile and take it with good grace. He isn't doing any harm!

fluffyraggies · 19/12/2012 08:38

It's probably well meant, but would annoy me as well.

I would say its for your DP to tackle though as it's his dad

zlist · 19/12/2012 08:39

If they are both there then I can understand why he finds a job to do.
What is rude is pointing it out to you and telling you off for not doing it.

jamaisjedors · 19/12/2012 08:40

If it's only half a dozen times I would grit your teeth and ignore.

MIL once came to stay and said "why don't you just weed around those trees? It'd only take 5 minutes". She spent an afternoon doing it.

She came back 2 weeks later and it had all grown back!

She comes from a part of the world where you weed once at the start of the summer and that's it.

I didn't say "I told you so" but I think the older generation conveniently forget how busy you are with small children and how those "little" jobs just don't get done.

SugaricePlumFairy · 19/12/2012 08:40

I would be irritated about the lecture afterwards and probably would say something along the lines of 'We're not worried about these things so neither should you be ' with a 'meh' shrug of the shoulders and then make a cuppa.

He's not a fixer is he, has a go and makes it ten times worse?

usualsuspect3 · 19/12/2012 08:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 19/12/2012 08:41

I would say it depends on the job tbh.

Brushing the patio-so what??

But he shouldn´t be lecturing about it.

jamaisjedors · 19/12/2012 08:42

And I agree that FIL/fathers often need "jobs" to do in someone else's house - they are not used to sitting and doing nothing!

Could they get the children involved? Or maybe they do?

I find it excruciating hard-going doing jobs with the DCs but to my parents/PIL it's more of a novelty and they have more patience and the DC love doing stuff like that with them - my mum gardens with the DC for example.

Whoknowswhocares · 19/12/2012 08:43

So they are looking after the DC's as a favour to you? Then he does a few extra bits to help you out which you acknowledge need doing as an additional favour?

The poor bloke is trying to be nice. You are being unreasonable, ungrateful and mean

malteserzz · 19/12/2012 08:44

Let it go he's just trying to be helpful maybe you could ask him to do a little job next time that really needs doing

susanann · 19/12/2012 08:46

I guess hes trying to be helpful/useful but its rude to have a moan at you about not having done it. Either take the kids to their place or say something. Maybe make a joke about it so its not confrontational. If that doesnt work then you may just have to politely say that you dont appreciate his comments.

AuntAlexandra · 19/12/2012 08:46

Ah my (lovely) FIL has a similar habit, He takes things apart - small appliances, old watches etc - and tinkers with all the bits and bobs then tells us "That should run better for you now". They never do because there was nothing wrong with them in the first place! Because he's such a great Dad and Grandad we let him get on with pottering but it is a little bit irritating!

Lonecatwithkitten · 19/12/2012 08:47

They need to feel helpful is the answer. I tend to have a couple of little jobs for my Dad lined up now. I say oh if you have a chance I would be grateful if you would....
Last time it was picking up the dog poos in the garden which having not been home in daylight (dog comes to work) for several weeks had reached epic proportions. He was delighted to do a job that helped. Disclaimer he has 4 dogs so cleaning up after my one is no problem.

Dogsmom · 19/12/2012 08:47

I think it's really kind of him and saves you a job, some grandads prefer to potter around doing jobs than to sit watching kids, doesn't mean they love them any less.

Bonsoir · 19/12/2012 08:53

Moaning that you haven't done it is his (slightly maladroit) way of justifying having done the job to keep himself busy.

Next time he does it, thank him profusely and then ask him whether he would mind doing xxx job (that you really want doing!). He'll probably be delighted to be appreciated!

poocatcherchampion · 19/12/2012 08:53

I think it's lovely too, although I might try to diffuse the annoying lecture by being effusive in my thanks before he got a chance. Agree the maybe line up a few jobs too to manage the situation.

CailinDana · 19/12/2012 08:56

My FIL is the same. He and MIL were looking after DS for a weekend and in the week beforehand he rang me twice (and has never rung before or since) to say he would start stripping the paint from the architraves in the sitting room/kitchen over the weekend. The first time I told him no, we were replacing the architraves so there was no need. Yet he rang again, saying the same thing, two days later. I had to tell him in absolutely no uncertain terms that he was absolutely not to do it. It was ridiculous, he was saying he would do it anyway despite it being a totally pointless job. In the end he painted the kitchen ceiling which was fabulous and I was very grateful for it as it's a job that we'd never have got around to ourselves.

While I do greatly appreciate the jobs he does, it's now got to the stage that he won't actually visit unless there are jobs. He and MIL were due to come down last week but in the end only MIL came as in the five phone calls MIL made before the visit I couldn't come up with any job for FIL to do! What a nutter. I can't figure out whether he doesn't feel welcome unless he does jobs or is at a loose end or what. I don't like him much (despite his DIY skills) so I wasn't too heartbroken about him not coming.

DontmindifIdo · 19/12/2012 08:57

The lecture would annoy me. Avoid them looking after DCs alone in your home then. this is why my Mum has never been left alone in my house after the incident at my DBs where she thought his cupboards needed cleaning out and that his arrangement of his kitchen was all wrong (ie. not exactly like hers). He didn't realised she'd done this until the following morning when in a rush before work the mugs were no longer in the cupboard they always were in and he couldn't find where she'd put the cereal bowls... (this is before we even start on the situation of her insisting things aren't clean unless you've used bleach then bleaching round DB's DP's fish's air pump, letting bleach get in it and then killing all BIL's fish - they restocked and she did the same thing a month later)

She regularly makes pointed comments about how she "can never find anything in your kitchen Don'tmind, it doesn't make sense " - I smile and tell her the mugs are in the same cupboard in my kitchen they have been in for the last 3 years and will always be in. I hide bleach before she arrives because I can't watch her every minute. (I do feel sorry for BIL, he has a MIL from hell in the form of my mum)

She will not be left alone in my house - I have paid for childcare rather than allow this to happen. I figure it's cheaper than a divorce/easier to handle than a big family rift.

Midgetm · 19/12/2012 08:57

Apart from the nagging he sounds lovely. If he likes to keep busy then ask him to do jobs you do want doing. Everyone's a winner. YABU.

BendyBobsBrusselsSprouts · 19/12/2012 09:03

Doing it's ok but lecturing you about it isn't.

He obviously wants to help although the road to hell can be paved with good intentions as they say. It's the making it look like you've been remiss in your own home that's the windup.

Next time you go to theirs, get their vacuum cleaner out and do a bit of tutting about the state of the place.

lottiegarbanzo · 19/12/2012 09:04

Write him a list! Then you'll get the more urgent ones done.

I do understand your irritation, mostly at the lecture. He's operating tunnel vision, focusing only on those things of interest to him. 'We have other priorities at the moment' and repeat.

Does he do a good job? It would be a bigger problem if he was doing things that didn't need doing, or badly.

ChristmasKnackers · 19/12/2012 09:07

My Dad does everything from gardening to actually digging out foundations and putting in a wall.... It used to bother my husband, but now he likes the free labour Xmas Wink

I dont mind, he thinks he's helping out.

BiteTheTopsOffIcedGems · 19/12/2012 09:15

My dad does this too! It does annoy me. If I know he is coming over then it stresses me out so much as I start noticing jobs that need doing and stuff that needs cleaning and rush around like crazy trying to do it so he doesn't.
I am interested to see everyones advice on this one :)

BendyBobsBrusselsSprouts · 19/12/2012 09:17

I've had to tell my mil that I don't want her doing the garden. She was practically insisting over the summer.

We started off me being polite 'oh no need but thanks anyway' 'no really I don't expect you to do that, but what a kind offer' etc and ended up 'MIL DO NOT DO MY GARDENING' and 'LEAVE IT'

It was nice of her to offer but I didn't feel I had any choice in it at one point. And I do think there was a liklihood that it'd get turned round in the end to 'look at all that gardening I had to do for you'.

whois · 19/12/2012 09:19

Your being mean.

My dad does this. I smile and thank him (even tho pressur washing the unused yard is the lowest priority job)

They like to be busy and helpful I think!

Also, when you live somewhere you get used to the problems/jobs and when someone else comes in they think those jobs are pretty obvious/urgent!