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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask FIL not to do jobs in our house?

54 replies

HoratiaLovesBabyJesus · 19/12/2012 08:35

Sometimes FIL and MIL look after our DCs in our house. We are probably up to half a dozen times, compared to the many times they have done so in their own house.

When they do so, FIL always without fail finds a job that needs doing but isn't remotely urgent and does it. We then get a lecture about not having done it ourselves.

I find this terribly rude. It isn't his house so it isn't his business. Jobs like brushing the patio do not affect the health or well-being of his grandsons, whereas ignoring them instead of playing with them just might.

WIBU to ask him not to do so, but to "relax and enjoy the DCs" or similar? Failing that, WIBU to pull out the old "Did you mean to be so rude?" if he does this once again?

OP posts:

AngryGnome · 19/12/2012 09:28

My Dad does this, as does my FIL and BIL. It's great! I think they just feel like spare parts as my mum, MIL and SIL always take charge of playing with DS.

I can see why you are annoyed if he lectures you about it, but maybe it is just his way of explaining (clumsily) why he has done it.

Maybe you could ask him to do something that actually needs doing? If he is a handy sort of bloke, he will probably appreciate feeling that he can do something that helps - and then you can sit back and appreicate the fruits of his labour. I have new plug sockets, light fittings, hardwood flooring, replastered walls and ceilings, skirting boards, new radiators fitted I am not a slave master honestly it's great, so kind of them and I am always very grateful to them!

Original poster

HoratiaLovesBabyJesus · 19/12/2012 09:32

Oh dear. It seems IABU.

In fact, it seems my undisclosed ishooos with him more generally have coloured my opinion here.

I like the idea of giving him a useful to-do list, but since mine currently reads "do laundry; wrap Christmas presents; sort out toy box" I can't, and the more urgent DIY jobs require turning off the water and the electricity (suboptimal after dusk in December).

Thank you for showing me a more charitable view of what he thinks he is doing. To us it feels more like "the Rules are hopeless at keeping a house and need constant nagging direction/assistance".

If I know he is coming over then it stresses me out so much as I start noticing jobs that need doing and stuff that needs cleaning and rush around like crazy trying to do it so he doesn't.

Oh dear, definitely this. Speaking of which, must clean the oven.

OP posts:

lottiegarbanzo · 19/12/2012 09:34

Also depends if you wanted to do the jobs yourselves, or do them a particular way.

Gardening is a potential issue here. Mil loves gardening and has a large one of her own. She offers us plants, helps sometimes and this is really helpful. It gives us a common interest too. But, there's been a risk of overstepping and just doing things, which I was planning to do differently. I've always wanted a garden and had ideas for it but not had one until a couple of years go. I'm open to advice on how but know what I want to do. It's a massive pleasure for me and I do not want my garden to become her second garden. So that sort of 'I know better than you and will just sort this out' activity would really grate.

ChristmasKnackers · 19/12/2012 09:41

I guess i'm just terribly lazy. We have a large garden and with out Mum/Dads help when they are babysitting, we couldn't cope with it.

I do sometimes feel that they think we can't cope, but then I remember that they are retired and I have two children under 3!

GnocchiGnocchiWhosThere · 19/12/2012 09:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FryOneFatChristmasTurkey · 19/12/2012 09:42

Horatia I can understand why you feel it such an irritation, but as others have said, if you can channel it into something useful he may not notice other stuff he might ordinarily grumble about.

Years ago, MIL was like this with me, and once rearranged my kitchen cupboards. Luckily now she's much older, she's not so sprightly (and the chemo is making her tired) so I can just sit her down with a cuppa now, no having to hunt for something she'd moved.

AngryGnome · 19/12/2012 09:54

You don't necessarily need to give him hugely urgent things to do - just things to keep the house and garden ticking over. Sometimes, asking them to do low priority jobs is actually really helpful, because you know you would never get round to them yourself

Original poster

HoratiaLovesBabyJesus · 19/12/2012 10:04

I will have a good think. I feel that hinting or asking about a particular job (eyes front hedge with annoyance) would be taken the wrong way, though, and that part of his thought process is that he likes to find things we haven't noticed/thought of. In our old flat he was incapable of sitting down until he had criticised something (eg dirty windows the day before the windowcleaners were due) so I think we are oversensitive.

I am deliberately using "I feel" as I know this is a perception thing, not necessarily real!

FIL believes housework is women's work. If he mentions mess, I feel it is a direct criticism of me specifically even if it is DH's only-just-shed coat or only-just-finished coffee cup. And that's the foundation of my sensitivity I think.

OP posts:

babybythesea · 19/12/2012 10:09

My grandad is exactly the same when he comes to stay.
He is 94, so we have the added fun of him not really accepting that he is not physically up to doing some of the things he wants to.
For 94, he is amazing, but I worry about him as he doesn't seem to see that he is much more frail now than he was 10 years ago - I can see it in how he starts to walk awkwardly for example, but you can't say anything because he gets cross. And because his sight is going a bit, some of the jobs aren't always done that well.
So, we have a list of jobs that he can do and that won't tax him too much.
If we don't do this, he does crazy things. Like coming home once last year to find him balancing on a narrow windowsill, outside, only a downstairs one but still a drop onto concrete, to clean the window. I love that he is still so active and 'with it' but that was a scary moment, trying to get him down without him falling. Much easier to divert his attention with "I'd love it if you could do x,y,z as we just haven't had the time" and choose the things that need doing that he can physically cope with and that won't be a disaster if they don't get done that well.

wordfactory · 19/12/2012 10:25

The lecture is irritating.

My mum does this. She does a job and then draws my attention to it and explains how she did it and how I should do it in the future.

My reaction depends on how glad I am the job has been done. If it's on my Most Hated List, I smile and nod. If it's a job that I didn't even knew needed to be done...I'm less permissive.

mrsXsweet · 19/12/2012 11:08

My in-laws are like this. They will turn up with paint and say they are going to paint the bathroom; the bathroom doesn't need painting, we haven't asked them to do it and we aren't allowed to choose the colour. They also always turn up with food and I find this really insulting as I would like to be able to host them. I find it infuriating, they treat us like children (we are in our 30's) and the worst thing is that these jobs are then used to blackmail us into doing something as my dh feels he can't turn down a request from them (as they do so much for us... We don't bloody ask them to!).

akaemmafrost · 19/12/2012 11:11

My dad does this my ex FIL does this.

I actually think it is how two men not given to displays of emotion show me and my children love and care and it touches me when they do it. I don't even mind the lecture much.

shuffleballchange · 19/12/2012 11:55

Bless him, just say thanks and ignore the lecture. Words are just that, words. He is doing a job for you so you don't have to

kiwigirl42 · 19/12/2012 12:03

My FIL decided we'd had his branch lopper too long without using it (all of a week IIRC) so came over and absolutely decimated our pear/ apple trees. Really, really cut them down low. I was livid. They have taken 2 years to grow and produce fruit again. He won't be doing that again if he wants to live. It was meant with good intentions though.

seeker · 19/12/2012 12:06

How very dare parent do something helpful for his child!

Crinkle77 · 19/12/2012 12:11

I would not have a go at him for being rude. Could you maybe thank him and when he gives you a lecture just make a jokey comment about being so busy with the kids etc... that you have not had time. Might get him thinking whilst avoiding confrontation

Rosa · 19/12/2012 12:11

Maybe he is trying to be helpful but going the wrong way about it ..Can you not give him a list of things that need doing? When I go to my parents and stay I do things like cleaning the oven, moving furniture and hoovering behind it. Cutting back branches and heaving out brambles as its all things that need doing and are more of a faff for them. SOmetimes I mention it sometimes I just get on with it. DH pressure hosed the entire pathway and also is a meanie with the strimmer. We don't do these things to offend but to help.... ( Mind you we don't tell parents how things should be done !)

Original poster

HoratiaLovesBabyJesus · 19/12/2012 12:34

I actually think it is how men not given to displays of emotion show me and my children love and care and it touches me when they do it.

Oh now that's a lovely way of thinking about it.

DS1 was pestering this morning to be shown how to read a clock ("Not now! Put your shoes on, we are late!") so my plan is to give FIL that job to do. It is a manly orderly (tidy) bonding thing they can do together "to do me a favour, since he was so insistent this morning and I wouldn't have a clue where to start, particularly with DS2 round my legs" and should distract him from the downstairs cistern!

Thanks all. If I don't feel calm about the impending visit, I do feel calmer and that's a big deal for me.

OP posts:

peaceandlovebunny · 19/12/2012 13:23

i think he is rude. tell him not to do it.
if daughter takes the baby up to bed (can take half an hour) i usually tidy the toys in the living room. i think i'm pushing my luck though! if she said she didn't want me to, i'd stop.

Atthewelles · 19/12/2012 13:36

YABU. He's just being a dad and getting involved. Asking him to stop doing jobs will probably hurt his feelings, and for what really? To spare you smiling politely while he 'lectures' you about not sweeping the patio, replacing the broken towel rail or whatever.
It's just called family life.

quoteunquote · 19/12/2012 14:46

write a snagging list of all the jobs little or small that need doing,

put it up somewhere, and tick them off as they get done,

when FiL does something, say in a happy voice ,"brilliant could you tick that off"

then he will know you had noticed the job, and he can feel he is noticed for doing it.

if he notices a job that's not on the list, just ask him to add it.

DontmindifIdo · 19/12/2012 18:07

Fryone - what is it with older generations rearranging kitchens??? It seems so rude, like they are convinced the way they use a kitchen is the only way anyone possibly could.

BlueberryHill · 19/12/2012 18:35

My Dad does this too, although without the lecture. I think because he is my Dad I find it easier to deal with, I do give him a list of jobs (sounds bad doesn't it but he cannot sit still and is really good at DIY - fixed the pushchair when a strut broke and I thought I would need to buy a new one).

My garden would be awful without him, with his help we get compliments on it. He does involved all three children, which I love, they bumble around in the garden digging things up, planting bulbs and it is great. They are developing an interest in gardening because of him. Maybe that would be an idea?

AfterEightMintyy · 19/12/2012 18:40

YANBU! yanbu yanbu yanbu.

This is where I always disagree with the mn collective - no, it is absolutely not ok for the parents of adults to take it upon themselves to do little jobs around the house for said adult children. How horrifically interfering and presumptious is that? Would you let your friends do it? No you would not. Its unacceptable and controlling and intrusive. It would drive me mad if it happened to me.

Mspontipine · 19/12/2012 18:52

send em all round to my house - tons of gardening. ceilings, architraves (??) to be done here

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