Sorry not an Aibu but I am desperate and about to walk out on my children

[laluna]

Sorry - I just need help. I have just totally lost it with DS 6 and DD 11. I smacked DS, yelled, told them I am ashamed of them and made them put their Xmas presents outside for the dust man. They are just push push push, take everything for granted and I can't discipline them. I know they are normal but I hate their behaviour. My husband works away and I feel we get the whole thing wrong because we are not a united front because when he is here, I am usually at work. I don't know what to do. Feel so ashamed and guilty but I feel I need to regain some control. I just don't want to be a mum any more.

I have started a points system which helps to eliminate some shouting. They start off with 100 points. If they're good, I add to that. If they're naughty I take away. What they have at the end of the week is what they get pocket money, eg. 100 points = £1. My kids have responded quite well to this, mine are 9,6,4 and 19 months. ( I dont do it with the 19 monther)I did sticker charts for a bit but couldn't keep it going. eg I would say, if you help to set the table/sort washing/tidy up you can get 20 points, or whatever you want to give. I keep it quite low cos we have 4 and they're happy with that amount at the moment.try it though, if it works for yours it will save a lot of shouting any good behavior can be rewarded also.

Glad to hear you are feeling calmer OP. If you've never smacked them before then you are doing really well and you sound like a very caring Mum. I felt awful the two times I smacked ds but he seemed to brush it off very quickly. There is quite a significant age gap - a pre-teen DD and a still very young DS so probably requires two different approaches.

Don't beat yourself up laluna. Most of us have been there too. :)

Short term : get the presents back (I hope you don't live on a busy thoroughfare!). If your kids are still awake, go and say sorry and give them a big hug. I don't think you need to say anything more than "I'm sorry I lost my temper. I really shouldn't have done that. I have got your presents back, because although you were naughty, you weren't that naughty. We can talk about it more later, but now you need to go to sleep. I love you". If they're asleep already, you can say this tomorrow.

Please don't leave them: one total angry-mum-meltdown in 6 or 11 years is not going to do them much harm, and they'll have forgotten all about it before very long; but they'd be devastated if you went.

Tomorrow: go and do something nice for you - something that will relax you, make you laugh and/or make you happy. You sound desperately stressed and I think you need a break. You won't get a chance once the kids break up, so get in there, quick! Talk to your DH. You need a conversation about how you get some more support: a regular break when he's home, and something like 'telephone back-up' when he's away. Ask your kids if they want to talk about what happened, but don't push it.

In a few days : Personally (and I think I'm probably going against the grain here) I wouldn't talk to them about their behaviour today/tomorrow, because I think that will be heard (however hard you try) as "You were bad, so I lost my temper and hit you", which is not what you want to say. If you leave your conversation about behaviour, rewards, sanctions, etc. for a few days (you could maybe introduce new 'holiday rules' on Friday) then you can keep the two issues separate - your stress management/support, and their behaviour - which is fairer, clearer and more useful. Other people have given lots of practical suggestions...

Good luck! :)

Glad you are feeling better, kids will sometimes make you think you are losing your mind and make you second guess yourself. You are normal, we've all lost it at some point I'm pretty sure. Be nice to yourself and your kids.

laluna, if you are worried about hygiene and nails and worms, you need tight underpants or a onesie at night. It's much more effective. Because children will put their hands in their mouths whether they are nail-biting or not, so stopping nail-biting won't stop scratching/worms/hygiene issues.

Sucked my thumbs , fingers , bit my nails, got thread worms a few times but its easily treatable and hardly ever had or have tummy bugs; these filthy habits build resistance if you ask me and well worth the price of an occasional childhood scratchy bum :-)
Seriously hope you're feeling better soon op.

Make them earn their screen time. Tidy bedroom equals 15 mins screen time, being polite to sibling equals 15 mins screen time, doing what has been asked first time (all day) equals 15 mins, getting ready for school without nagging 15 mins, doing their rota jobs 15 mins etc etc. Put the telly/computer on last thing and allow them all their earnt screen time.

Also I agree, you must do something nice for yourself everyday.

Everyone feels overwhelmed sometimes. It's really hard being a parent and we all make mistakes and say things we shouldn't. For now, get the kids to sleep, get the presents in and make a cup of tea.
Have a wee think about whether things are getting on top of you more than usual or more than they should. Are you feeling less able to cope in general? It might be a good idea to see your GP for a chat. You might just be a bit down and stressed, but equally you might be depressed and need a bit more help. I know that I felt really relieved when I first was able to admit that I wasn't coping and needed some help to get through it.
Have a unmumsnetty hug manly punch on the shoulder.