Sorry not an Aibu but I am desperate and about to walk out on my children

[laluna]

Sorry - I just need help. I have just totally lost it with DS 6 and DD 11. I smacked DS, yelled, told them I am ashamed of them and made them put their Xmas presents outside for the dust man. They are just push push push, take everything for granted and I can't discipline them. I know they are normal but I hate their behaviour. My husband works away and I feel we get the whole thing wrong because we are not a united front because when he is here, I am usually at work. I don't know what to do. Feel so ashamed and guilty but I feel I need to regain some control. I just don't want to be a mum any more.

Oh gosh.

Bit of cold air on your face or whatever helps.

really sorry you are having such a tough time, and it must be v v hard if your DH issues threats like the nail-biting one, and then leaves and leaves you with it.

Get the presents back in.

My Mum lost it with my brother and I a couple of times, i can remember her disappearing from the hosue fo a long time, saying she was taking all our presents to some other family. We were just bemused, and a bit alarmed.

For now, just try and de-tense yourself and breathe.

Later, see if you can step back and look at the point it all escalates and look for different thngs to do before the red mist descends.

And the poor child cannot stop nail biting under threat of punishment, it just won't work. It's an anxiety habit.

Good luck, get rest, don't put too much pressure on yourself.

We've all been there. This time of year for a lot us me is hell! (Not so much now mine are almost adults). Your 6 y o will be wound up like a coiled spring waiting to go off because of Christmas. We are all supposed to be happy smiley people, with immaculate houses, homemade presents, baking done, everything waiting for the 25th! Well it ain't like that! We still have the stresses and strains of everyday life to deal with!

Bring the presents in. Get DD to make a cuppa, put DS to bed. Buy some of that nail biting stuff from Amazon, it might be here by Thursday if you order it on Prime Delivery. Put your feet up, find something funny on the tele. Get an early night and get up tomorrow remembering it is a new day!

I'm 37 and I still bite my nails.

Whoooooaaaaaaaaahhhhh.

Stop. Think. Have a cup of tea.

Right, now, you and your dh need to sit down together and make a list of things to work on - you make a list each and then discuss them together. You pick three things for each child, and work on those, ignoring as much as you can of everything else.

You also introduce a no violence/no insults/no taunting/no arguing rule. If either one riles up or hits the other you turn off all electronics and send them both, instantly, to their rooms. They will fight you at first, but eventually they will give up. They are allowed out 15 minutes after they give up.

It will take a few days, but they will realise that you mean business and stop arguing. Really they will, when they realise that you won't referee, take sides or give them attention.

Finally, be nice to yourself. Have a break. Do something nice for you.

Would it make you feel better to hear that I yelled at my nearly-4yo dd and sent her to bed without dinner for biting her 6yo brother hard enough to leave a bright purple bruise? (disclaimer - she fell asleep for about an hour then came down and had dinner)

I lost it with her because the 7month old ds has been grumpy all day with teething; 8yo ds has been in trouble at school for retaliating against another boy who punched him; 6yo ds is the most forgetful child you ever met (not his fault, currently being assessed for ASD). None of these things were her fault, but when she hurt ds2, I didn't respond rationally and constructively. I called her a horrible little monster and told her to go away.

My point is that everyone loses it from time to time. What differentiates between those who are bad parents and those who are frazzled good parents, is the ability to recognise that you've acted in a way you're not proud of and wish that you had handled it differently. The fact that you're posting here for advice shows that you are in the latter group.

Firstly, go and bring the presents inside. I promise you will feel ten times worse if they are rained on or stolen.

Then have a cup of tea.

If the kids are still up, use Bogeyface's excellent line: "I am sorry that I over reacted but your behaviour was disgraceful and I am very very disappointed with you. We will discuss this tomorrow but right now you are to go to bed with no messing about".

Then have another cup of tea (probably decaf this time).

Tomorrow, talk to them. Explain to them that their behaviour is upsetting you and that you want to have a lovely, calm house where everyone pitches in. You are a team, especially when their Dad is away and it takes everyone working together to keep the house neat and tidy and everybody happy. The kids are old enough to understand that (it's the sort of approach that gets through to my lot) and talking to them like mini adults may be more effective than taking the authoritarian role at them.

I'm waiting for some advice on the nail biting. Re TV set a time after school or home work and stick to it depending on behaviour. If you can, record their favourite programmes and use as bribe to get good behaviour and tasks done. I got mine addicted to chapter books so the threat of no time to read the next chapter if she plays up at bed time works wonder.

I'd tell your dh not to make empty threats unless he's seriously going to follow them through. I can't seriously believe he was going to withdraw all their presents over nail biting. Sanctions imo need to be realistic and achievable. Your dc will receive their presents and your Dp will have effectively undermined himself.
I hope you manage to make up with them and can work with your dh as a more united front. And have a nice cuppa op, parenting is bloody hard work.

Small point but I don't think a 6yo has the self-control to give up biting his nails overnight. Can you put Stop N Gro on his fingers?

Advice on nailbiting:

1. Ignore it and they will grow out of it.

1. If they don't, never mind, they will be an adult with short nails. So what.

1. Let them take up guitar as a teenager and they will want long nails on their right hand. They will still bite their left hand nails, and will look very odd, but you will have half succeeded.

I've been there too - mine are 7 and 11 and I'm disgusted with my 11 year olds behaviour and attitude fairly often

I'd go and get the presents in, take 5 minutes out with a cup of tea/glass of wine/bar of chocolate, then go and find them, apologise for losing it and start again tomorrow.

Sometimes we all need a good scream and shout, our kids need to see we're only human and in the case of my 2, mummy losing the plot generally jolts them into realising how awful they're being briefly , we all hug and apologise and peace reigns

And am I the only person to admit that I learned to quite like the taste of StopNGro?

Argh, the nail-biting is not an easy one. I've struggled with it my whole life and I'm now older than I like to admit to.

And I hate biting my nails. I've managed to quit on a few occasions, but it never lasts long and I always go back to it. Sometimes I find myself doing it without even realising it.

Its really very, very difficult to stop for some people.

MaryChristmazEverybody

No you're not!

50 year old nail biter here Shaming and punishing won't stop it, it's a nervous habit and not done intentionally for most people. Leave it alone.
Just try to get him not to bite them down so they hurt, that makes it easier to keep them trimmed really short.
With the Dd you really need to switch off the TV and get some control back, use the TV as a reward, have her write the shows and times down she wants, give her some and make her earn the rest with good behavior, cleaning up clothes, helping with dishes. It's a pain and sometimes takes more time that doing it yourself, but it is time invested in your childs attitude and behavior and will pay off in the future.

Nail biting is not an issue. It really isn't.
How often do you end up smacking them? What kind of incentives/rewards for positive behaviour do you use?

Apparently it's hereditary.

My grandfather, father and two of my brothers have nails bitten right down. As do I, and two of my nephews and my ds2.

Interestingly, ds1 and dd (both adopted) have lovely nails .

I really think you need to rethink your battles!!!

I am a nailbiter and no amount of threats would of stopped me, its a compulsion and often done without me even being aware of it!!!

Please don't make this a battle - you won't win and it will only create more stress!!!

Get yourself a copy of 'how to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk'

I read this with a healthy dose of but have found some of the ideas and techniques really useful.

Please bring their pressies back in - that makes me feel sad.

interesting that its hereditary my mum and dad are both nail biters and sadly so now is my dd. I am however at the moment making a real effort to grow them but it is a real effort!!!

I would calm down, write out a list of rules for each child and then take time to sit down with each of them individually. Tell them that it is not a happy house and you need to work together to make it happy for all of you - be nice but firm that things need to change. Let them talk too and listen (they may give clues as to how you can help them behave better).

Positive parenting courses are supposed to be fab for this age.

Thanks everyone. God how great is it to have the support, knowledge and experience of others. I have never smackedeither of them before. it's just the hygiene thing with the nails more than anything.

Parenting is hard - just a fine line between loving/spoiling/smothering and being authoritarian, setting standards and being strict and mean! Can't win! The presents are in the garage.

Thank goodness for that - I've just seen your post and i now feel 'normal'! I was just about to post too on a similar theme - feeling guilty for shouting/nagging/not doing a good job - son being a pain in the butt, spoilt etc etc - sometimes I feel so guilty as I feel like I don't even 'like him (even though I love him!). My husband is around but to be honest we have different styles of parenting - I'm laid back and probably don't discipline as much as he would like and to me, he's too 'hard on him' sometimes! We re all the same!
I think it's all part of being a parent - they don't come with a rule book and they're a mix of our genes which is good and bad sometimes! Unfortunately they get all of our 'bad bits' we dont like as well as our good qualities.
You've got it doubly hard if you're doing this alone (for the most part) but I'm sure you're a great mum - shouting is normal and yes, we all lose it once in a while too. I'm not a great one to give you advice (in theory I know how to do it - I'm a teacher and it works with the kids at school..... Somehow, though the good ideas/ disipline go out of the window once emotions are involved with our own kids - its not easy!)
Keep going, talk to friends, hubby etc and kids too when you've calmed down.
Good luck, keep smiling x

OP I have not read all of the replies as I am in need of sleep. Do you have family that can support you? I struggled a lot with my own children, they constantly pushed boundaries, and being such a 'people pleaser' my boundaries were so far out they were not even visible with a telescope!

Add to that a total clash of personalities between myself and my son, and my son and my daughter. :( Things have hardly improved even now that they are young adults.

All I am trying to say is do not blame yourself too much. What really counts is that you have posted on MN, you will get heaps of brilliant advice and you should apologise. I have a turbulent relationship with my kids - sometimes - but if I feel I have crossed the line I always apologise and the same with my kids! They dont hesitate, once they have calmed down, to admit they were wrong.

And you have to pick your battles.... ease off on the nail biting. It isnt something you can monitor round the clock.

My mum offered me £10 cash in my hand if I stopped biting my nails as a girl. Despite being the kind of money I only saw on birthdays, I never managed to get the money. I still nag at them now. It really is very very hard not to do it.

Glad you're feeling better laluna. Raising kids can be an exercise in frustration.

I read that by exploding at your kids, you make them feel powerful. Calm, consistent response seems to work best. I used a book called 123 Magic for their techniques. This probably sounds preachy, but if you remember you always have a moment of choice (however short!) in between the provocation and the response, you can start to make different choices. Blowing off steam feels good in the moment, but usually just leaves you feeling horrible and guilty afterwards.

Also, for the age of your kids "the 7 habits of highly effective families" could be good.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow.

You are very normal. Get the presents in. Check on the children, if they are awake apologise, tell them you love them but say this shows why it's important that they do as they are told. If not let them sleep on it and tell them in the morning. Calm yourself down and write down a list of what you want them to change and think about how you want to respond. Others can best advise you on this - I haven't got to this point yet. But most of all at this point remember there isn't a parent on earth who hasn't had a similar response to bad behaviour by their children. Go easy on yourself.