Sorry not an Aibu but I am desperate and about to walk out on my children

[laluna]

Sorry - I just need help. I have just totally lost it with DS 6 and DD 11. I smacked DS, yelled, told them I am ashamed of them and made them put their Xmas presents outside for the dust man. They are just push push push, take everything for granted and I can't discipline them. I know they are normal but I hate their behaviour. My husband works away and I feel we get the whole thing wrong because we are not a united front because when he is here, I am usually at work. I don't know what to do. Feel so ashamed and guilty but I feel I need to regain some control. I just don't want to be a mum any more.

We all make mistakes. We're only human.

What set this off tonight?

First thing to do is regain control of the situation.

Tell them that you're sorry for 'losing it' but they have to go to their room and you'll speak to them when you're calmer.

Then go have a cup of tea/wine/irn bru (it's amazing!)

You don't want to be like this, and you don't have to be. We're all tempted though at times so don't feel alone x

It's OK. I've had the urge to run screaming out of the door before now too. Nobody tells you it gets like this when you leave hospital with your beautiful cherub cheeked babies.

Every parent has a breaking point. It's no bad thing to let your children know they have gone too far and that you are human.

OP it sounds like you need to find some space and calm down. I hope you don't think I'm patronising. I'm not. But until you regain calm and control you will continue to feel as you do. Try sitting on the bed for five minutes and breathing deeply. You have young children in your care, I know it can oft be hard.

I'm sorry you feel so bad. Don't focus on how bad things are its a sure way to feel worse about it. Do you have family or close friends nearby you can talk to? Is this something that has built up or is it the stress that us usual at this time of year. Imo you should talk to the kids and apologise for how you acted (if im reading right and you're not happy with it) but explain why ut happened. I like to think they can be involved in their own behaviour and how to change certain things about it. You should also talk to your dh and explain how you're feeling its not good to keep it to yourself (obviously you've posted here so will help but not ad good as rl help) xx

I don't have children this age, but didn't want to read and run. My DD is almost 2, and spends an enormous amount of time pushing boundaries - I think it's what they're meant to do, and I like / hope to think that they only do it with us (i.e. their parents) because they are safe in the knowledge that we love them and won't stop loving them. It's clear from your post that you do love them - if you didn't, you wouldn't have been upset by their behaviour.

I think if you all have a little time out (only say 5 - 10 mins) to calm down, they'll probably realise they pushed Mum a bit far, and you'll remember that you do enjoy being a mum, and you don't want to leave them. It must also be terribly hard having your DH working away - I know I disagree with mine often enough and we're both here, although working.

Alternatively, when they've gone to sleep (if not done so already), get the presents back in and talk to them more calmly tomorrow when you're not all three of you frazzled by the end of term / pending Christmas / DH being away.

Is there anyone else that could talk to them with / for you? A close friend or family member maybe? Someone a bit removed from the equation, who can look at the situation from arms length.

Am definitely rambling now, but hopefully some of these thoughts will help.

and we have all been there, just take a moment, breathe, and soon you will be back to yourself.

every so often my 3 DCs are the spawn of the devil and I am the evil parent! Next minute they are baby angels and nominating me (in their own words) for Mum of the year.

Yes, I agree with NatashaBee - Get the presents back in.

first go and make you self a cup of tea (or wine) and sit down.

It is the run up to christmas and most parents a frazzled. Next say sorry and explain to your children that you had a bad moment of judgement.

Then you and DH need to sit down and agree on what punishment to give to the children when there are not behaving and stick to it.

I normally find when you get a grip of your own emotions the DC's behaviour. improves. When I'm stressed and tetchy they pick up on it and act out. Try and put everything into perspective. They are kids, they think the world revolves around them.

Get the presents back in, sit down and have a heart to heart chat.

Hey, we have all felt like this at some point (I know I have - many times) but you just need to take a deep breath, sit down and be alone to get some perspective.

I have always wondered how mothers can up and leave their families but that was before I had kids of my own! I have been so close to it in the past.

I feel like I don't know my eldest sometimes. You try your best to bring them up the best way you can, and they betray you by lying and misbehaving so much. You know what though, kids will be kids and you're doing a good job so don't beat yourself up for losing it. We're all human. We all get our buttons pushed. Are they asleep now or can you go and talk to them?

Also agree its good to show you're only human and everyone has a tipping point

Combination if things - DS messing about at bedtime,lied, just snapped cos spent the whole day doing jobs and things for them and they can't even be arsed to pick up dirty clothes, all dd wants to do is watch telly. I just let her asI can't stand the battle. Also DS is a bad nail biter - DH has been checking his nails and been explaining that its important he stops because if many threadworm visits and norovirus doing the rounds. (I support this) but DH threatened to take his presents away if it continued and today he has bitten them all down. Felt I had to follow through.......... God this is so trivial but why won't they ever do as they are told without a battle?

Sometimes losing it is a huge wake-up call to the kids.
We all do it at some time or another.

"I am sorry that I over reacted but your behaviour was disgraceful and I am very very disappointed with you. We will discuss this tomorrow but right now you are to go to bed with no messing about"

Btw, it is very late for a 6 year old to be up and pushing a bit for the older one, are they buggering about (I can sing that song, my 7 year old can be a nightmare) or are they always up this late? I find that tiredness makes them much worse, so we have regular bedtimes of half seven for the 7 and 8 yr old and 8:15 for the 11 year old. It does help, if only because they are out of my way if they are playing up and I can shut the door and ignore them!

I agree you need an immediate plan here.

DCs - tell them you are sorry but things are tough for you right now and they are to go to bed and you will talk nicely in the morning.

Presents - get them in before the rain arrives ffs. Place under your bed.

Future - good advice up there ^. And get your OH to reinforce that you^ are in charge when he is away. (And vice versa? Are you really so different with parenting styles?)

Take care. x

dear me. you are n o r m a l. you should have heard my then next door neighbour screaming at her three as she bathed them ready for bed every night (in the 1980s). screaming. night after night. and she was a wonderful mother. i mean that.

recover the presents from the bin, even if you don't tell the children yet. you wouldn't want to spend the money again.

get the children into bed, or their rooms (you don't want another fight) and have a brew.

after your cuppa, think about what you do want from your children, in the way of behaviour.
write it down.
spend tomorrow thinking it through.
tomorrow night, think about how you're going to get it. think supernanny - though for me, i'd never be arsed with star charts. but clear boundaries, expected behaviours, 'punishments' which are meaningful in that they let the child know they have done wrong but can come back from there...

write it down.
when your ready, explain it calmly and firmly to your children. they'll try it on. stick to your guns.

you're doing this on your own because you parent on your own.
when your husband is around, explain to him and tell him you expect his support. he might try to undermine you. if so, privately pull him up on that. you have to do the childcare, you make the rules.

you can do it. you brought them this far.
good luck

Do you have any support, anyone you can call when your husband is away.

I do feel for you because I find parenting so hard but at least my DH comes home each evening and I can have a moan/cry.

I too feel I have no control over my eldest who is 5. She never listens, demands things of me constantly, monopolises my attention and when my two are awake, I put my own life and needs totally on hold. At least mine go to bed early!

Are your two fighting a lot at the moment? Presumably you are all getting very tired now if they are still at school- or has term finished for you?

Don't break up til Friday. They are vile to each other.

I wouldn't talk to them now, everyone's tired and upset. If they're not asleep already send them to bed. Tomorrow you can talk to them more rationally but they're only kids in the end so what you say often doesn't register.

Right now you need to go easy on yourself, parenting can be very very hard and you haven't done anything wrong. Nail biting can be a deeply ingrained habit so it will take a while to break.

If it helps I came home from work exhausted and dh was immediately in my face about the teens not tidying up after themselves, despite being at home all day.told him to talk to them so he let rip, they responded, it all escalated ....dd1 slammed into the bedroom, dd2 flounced out and Dcs burst into tears. I hadn't even taken my coat off!

Because they know you get so stressed, you wont want to argue.

There are things you can try, like "Assumed compliance", like if you want DD to pick up her dirty clothes, its "DD, go and get your dirty washing thanks", if she doesnt respond telly goes off, if she wants to fight you, turn your back and walk away.

Dont do things if they dont ask nicely,

Make them responsible for their own things, they are old enough.

I would try the if you dont do it my way you get nothing responses, i do with my daughter and it works, "If you want this, then you will do this" and say it in a firm control, "Mummy means business voice"

Also look out in your local area for parenting classes, they worked well for me.

Re the nail biting - he won't just stop with threats. I know. I still bite my nails and I am a grown up who actually hates her own nails, but I do it subconsciously and most of time don't know I have done it til too late. It is a pointless battle which you won't win with threats. Encourage him and support him to stop, provide stop and grow etc. but threats won't work.

You have to pick your battles - and tbh that is one you can't win like this.

Go and get the presents.

If they are awake, go and say sorry to the children for losing it, but also explain a little as to why you lost it. Give them a hug, tell them you love them and tomorrow you all, them included, start again.

Try a system of rewards. Praise all good behaviour. To start with do this big time - make a show of it even. With time, you can relax and let it become more normal.

tTe 11yo is old enough for being more grown up - go down the route of responsibilities and rewards/grown up rights perhaps?