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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel humiliated at being accused of shoplifting?

86 replies

kunoichi · 17/12/2012 00:25

Yesterday I popped into a Tesco express for a couple of bits with my baby son.

I was carrying the little one in my arms and had my handbag on the other shoulder. Took my basket to the till and started checking out. Asked if there were paypoint facilities to top up my gas card. Everything was fine.

Then suddenly a female security guard leaned over and asked if there was anything I'd forgotten to pay for. I said no, not unless my little one had just grabbed some sweets from in front of the till. I checked his hands, found nothing and again said there was nothing I'd forgotten.

The security guard asked if I was sure. I said yes, of course. At this point people in the queue behind me were starting to mutter (and there were quite a few people in the shop around me). The security guard then told me this was my last chance and was I sure I didn't have a febreeze air freshener with me. I replied no, I hadn't even been on the cleaning aisle, I'd only got bread milk and coffee.

A young lad in tesco uniform asked the security guard if she wanted him to get a colleague (assuming the manager or another security guard) to which she said yes. By now I was really freaked out. I had my baby in my arms and everyone in the store thought I was a thief. I said look I'll show you, emptied my pockets, took off my coat and opened my bag on the counter so she (and everyone else) could see that I had nothing to hide.

Finally the security guard said "right, you can go now". No apology (at first) despite being heartbroken by this time at feeling so humiliated. I paid for my stuff and rushed to the car, dreading a hand on my shoulder as I walked out, though luckily that didn't happen.

I was still sobbing after driving home. OH asked what had happened and immediately called the store. He spoke to the manager and asked for the security guard to come on the phone to apologise to me personally.

Indeed she did apologise profusely, explaining that there was a group of women in the store, known to security, who were moving things around and I'd been mistaken for one of them.

While I'm grateful for finally getting the apology I needed, I'm still very upset about it. Shouldn't security be absolutely certain before accusing someone, especially in such a public and humiliating manner? I had been nowhere near any febreeze products. The only thing which I'd picked up and put back on the shelf (instead of in my basket) was a magazine I'd checked the price of.

Of course shoplifters should be apprehended and prosecuted, but I won't be going back to that store ever again. I would have liked an apology straight away, in front of all those people who probably now think I'm a thief who got away with it. Has anyone else had an experience like this?

OP posts:
MrsKeithRichards · 17/12/2012 00:27

Yanbu for being upset at the time but don't dwell on it. Mistakes will happen, you got an apology.

LauriesFairyonthetreeeatsCake · 17/12/2012 00:28

Sorry for what you went through.

Fwiw, if I'd seen you do all that I would have assumed you were not shoplifting - you have no reason to feel humiliated.

dobby2001 · 17/12/2012 00:28

Thats horrible and I didnt want to read and not post. I have been followed around a store when a teenager but not when older, so no experience, but I would expect that like you, I would feel the same and not want to ever return to the shop.

Alambil · 17/12/2012 00:30

I don't think I'd feel humiliated - confused, perhaps though!

I think I'd say "no - look" and open my bag etc there and then... why do you feel so humiliated? You had nothing to hide... people were probably muttering about "ffs, why can't they move over there to do this" instead of "ooho look, a MUM who STEALS - what a Bad Person"

PumpkinPositive · 17/12/2012 00:30

I think I'd be more offended that they thought I'd tea leafed a Febreeze air freshner of all things! I mean, if you're gonna steal...

(Sorry, I know that's not much help!) A bit surprised at the specificity of what they thought you'd taken.

UserError · 17/12/2012 00:31

YANBU for being upset but YABU for expecting an apology straight away. If you were mistaken for someone known to security who has form for stealing, they probably just though 'Ah, she's managed to ditch it this time before we caught up with her'. If I were a security guard, I don't think I'd be apologising to someone I knew was a shoplifter - even if they didn't have the goods on them this time.

Of course, this person WASN'T you, it was a mistake, but I can see why you weren't offered an apology straight away. Doesn't mean I agree with it, but I can see why.

LucieMay · 17/12/2012 00:33

Febreze air freshener? Bit weird... Hmm

firawla · 17/12/2012 00:34

Can sympathise with you OP this happened to me and my sister (in a different shop though) when we were teenagers and really is quite a horrible feeling, must have been worse for u by the fact u were there with your baby and in front of so many people. A belated apology is not really enough tbh although thinking back i think me and my sis didnt even get an apology!!! Shock

ilovesooty · 17/12/2012 00:38

As I work in criminal justice and know the consequences if you end up arrested for acquisitive crime, I'd be really upset in your position.

You were never going to get an apology at the time, but I'm not surprised you never want to go back there. I don't think they should have investigated you so publicly either. I hope you're feeling a bit better now.

kunoichi · 17/12/2012 00:41

UserError, your explanation does kind of make sense. I've worked in shops before (a few years back now) and got terribly angry whenever I'd experienced shoplifters. I was very upset though and an apology before I left would have been much appreciated to let me know of the mistaken identity.

LucieMay and PumpkinPositive - I can only assume someone elsedid steal the febreeze thing and security mistook me for that person. I hope they did catch whoever did it.

OP posts:
ravenAK · 17/12/2012 00:50

I think I'd've been fairly outraged, tbh.

'No, I don't have anything here that I wasn't planning to pay for. Would you like me to pay for my shopping, or would you like me to leave the basket here, & when I walk out of your store to pick the same items up at Sainsbury's, do feel free to stop me & we'll both wait for the police to come & establish that I haven't nicked a febreeze.'

Even supposing you had been planning some sort of nasty air freshener heist, don't you need to have left the store for them to apprehend you?

I'd say they owe you an enormous apology.

TheQueensChristmasDinner · 17/12/2012 00:54

Thankfully, no experience of this but YANBU and I would have gone batshit right there and then and probably made a fool of myself. I understand why you feel upset.

EllenParsons · 17/12/2012 00:57

Yanbu. I'm glad you got an apology but don't blame you for being upset. I know kind of how you feel. I was accused of shoplifting in body shop when I was about 15 or so because they said it was suspicious that I was picking up small things like lipgloss to smell and they thought I was shoving them up my coat sleeves! Confused The shop assistant followed me into another shop and had a go at me there, they never even apologised! I still feel a bit pissed off thinking back to that now! I'm sure people in the shop who saw what happened will not all think you were stealing though based on what you said it sounds like an obvious cock up!

fiftelement · 17/12/2012 00:58

jesus, that's terrible, next time, don't hold it, just deal with it, let it go and see who you really are

peaceandlovebunny · 17/12/2012 07:11

they do this to me at asda. i go in every day (when i'm not laid low with norovirus). they have really poor customer service!

WynkenBlynkenandNod · 17/12/2012 07:17

I'd be very upset too. DD and I were clearly being followed by the store detective in Tesco recently and that felt bad enough. Being confronted must have been horrible.

I guess it is important to try and move on though as you haven't done anything wrong.

HollyBerryBush · 17/12/2012 07:22

They can only ask, you don't have to comply. They can't apprehend you, or block your exit, or lay hands on you. I'd make them call the police if they were that antsy, but then, I like wasting jobsworths time. They'd get a bigger bollocking from the police for time wasting.

kirrinIsland · 17/12/2012 07:29

A friend of mine works in a clothes store and she told me they are taught to regard all shoppers with prams as potential shoplifters! So don't be too surprised if you think you are being followed - it is apparently a common method so they look out for it.

Not what happened here though - YANBU. I would have felt the same. Glad you got an apology, albeit a bit late.

MegBusset · 17/12/2012 07:35

I had this in Tesco too. I was pg at the time and ended up in floods of tears, all my shopping bags emptied at the counter in front of a big crowd, the security manager was AWFUL to me, really rude and refused to apologise after getting it wrong. Anyway DH demanded to see the manager who confirmed that security shouldn't have stopped us; according to store policy THREE things have to be WITNESSED by staff before they can stop you:

  1. You take the product off the shelf
  2. You go through the checkout without paying for them
  3. You attempt to leave the store without paying for them.

Unless they see you do ALL of these things they should not apprehend you. I got a written letter of apology and a huge bunch of flowers and the security manager was sent for retraining.

Bananapickle · 17/12/2012 07:47

YANBU - for me it was the public way it was done. Surely they could have waited for you to step away from the checkout and then pull you to one side. It still wouldn't be nice but at least it would remove SOME of the humiliation factor. I would be tempted to write to Tesco head office and explain you won't be shopping there again...see what they say/do about it.

VivaLeBeaver · 17/12/2012 07:52

I used to work in retail security a long time ago. We were always told that we had to see someone take an item and hide it in their bag/pram/coat. We had to observe them every second after that to make sure they didn't dump the item.

Some people would lose their nerve and chuck whatever it was under a rack of clothing.

They could only be stopped as they were crossing the doorway to go out.

If we failed on any of those things then the chances were we might be sued for defamation of character. If the person we stopped didn't have a stolen item on them, or if they were still in the shop.

Sounds like your security guard didn't do things properly.

Fakebook · 17/12/2012 08:11

people were probably muttering about "ffs, why can't they move over there to do this" instead of "ooho look, a MUM who STEALS - what a Bad Person

No actually, I would HAVE thought "ooh look a mum stealing".

I THINK the security guard was very wrong to do this. Innocent until proven guilty. I can understand your embarrassment OP.

LadyKinbote · 17/12/2012 08:27

DH was once shopping with DD in her pram when a security guard approached him and said in an aggressive tone "can I help you sir?". DH said no thank you and continued shopping. Security guard continued to follow him. In the end, DH stopped, showed the security guard his warrant card and explained to him the correct way to deal with suspected shoplifters! They left him alone after that.

Whistlingwaves · 17/12/2012 09:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

freddiefrog · 17/12/2012 09:28

Lots of sympathy here too

It happened to me back in the summer. I was in a shop with a friend who was taking forever and I was wandering around bored to tears when I was approached by a security guard and searched. They'd seen me wandering around aimlessly on cctv and assumed I was up to no good.

It was right in the doorway in front of everyone coming in and out, it was so embarrassing. They did apologise though

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