To feel humiliated at being accused of shoplifting?

[kunoichi]

Yesterday I popped into a Tesco express for a couple of bits with my baby son.

I was carrying the little one in my arms and had my handbag on the other shoulder. Took my basket to the till and started checking out. Asked if there were paypoint facilities to top up my gas card. Everything was fine.

Then suddenly a female security guard leaned over and asked if there was anything I'd forgotten to pay for. I said no, not unless my little one had just grabbed some sweets from in front of the till. I checked his hands, found nothing and again said there was nothing I'd forgotten.

The security guard asked if I was sure. I said yes, of course. At this point people in the queue behind me were starting to mutter (and there were quite a few people in the shop around me). The security guard then told me this was my last chance and was I sure I didn't have a febreeze air freshener with me. I replied no, I hadn't even been on the cleaning aisle, I'd only got bread milk and coffee.

A young lad in tesco uniform asked the security guard if she wanted him to get a colleague (assuming the manager or another security guard) to which she said yes. By now I was really freaked out. I had my baby in my arms and everyone in the store thought I was a thief. I said look I'll show you, emptied my pockets, took off my coat and opened my bag on the counter so she (and everyone else) could see that I had nothing to hide.

Finally the security guard said "right, you can go now". No apology (at first) despite being heartbroken by this time at feeling so humiliated. I paid for my stuff and rushed to the car, dreading a hand on my shoulder as I walked out, though luckily that didn't happen.

I was still sobbing after driving home. OH asked what had happened and immediately called the store. He spoke to the manager and asked for the security guard to come on the phone to apologise to me personally.

Indeed she did apologise profusely, explaining that there was a group of women in the store, known to security, who were moving things around and I'd been mistaken for one of them.

While I'm grateful for finally getting the apology I needed, I'm still very upset about it. Shouldn't security be absolutely certain before accusing someone, especially in such a public and humiliating manner? I had been nowhere near any febreeze products. The only thing which I'd picked up and put back on the shelf (instead of in my basket) was a magazine I'd checked the price of.

Of course shoplifters should be apprehended and prosecuted, but I won't be going back to that store ever again. I would have liked an apology straight away, in front of all those people who probably now think I'm a thief who got away with it. Has anyone else had an experience like this?

YANBU. But I've heard about things like this happening in Tesco before - they seem to have form. In your position I would stop shopping at Tesco and suggest to your friends they stop shopping at Tesco too.

Agree with viva re the correct procedure for stopping someone.

I would be taking this way further op.

Yanbu.

YANBU - they didn't follow what appears to be the standard procedure and in doing so made you feel publicly humiliated.

Complain. Lots.

It does sound upsetting. I do know that women with babies/prams are considered more worthy of suspicion than those without. My baby once stole a rather nice towel he pulled it into his stroller without me noticing. I didn't realise until I stopped at a cafe. I took it back and the shop staff chortled with delight, it was a v naice store, bit I remember feeling highly embarrassed.

Similar happened to me at Morrisons, only with a cashier rather than a security guard. Thing is I actually had accidentally half-inched a jar of coffee. I don't recall exactly how I managed to do it but I'd nipped in for a couple of things and not bothered with a basket, only to end up picking up more bits than I'd expected.

Anyway, they were fine. I was mortified, they gave me a gentle ribbing, all done and dusted.

I'd be much happier to 'prove' my innocence in front of everybody like you did than to be quietly taken away in which case everybody would assume i was guilty.

I think you are reasonable to have found it a bit embarassing but you should not be humiliated... they were wrong, and seen to be wrong by everybody around.

That sounds dreadful. I was treated quite badly in waitrose once, by the till lady and security- my card was a bit worn and wouldn't work, and they accused me of not having money to pay ( true, I had no cash on me, just a cc) and said in front of the whole queue loudly asked me why I shopped there as I had no money and then wanted ID to prove I was who it was my card. I left with no shopping and in tears. The manager called me and sent me a massive bunch of flowers, but I never went back there. I used to go in nearly everyday, so it was even more ridiculous.

I wouldn't have been humiliated, but I would have been mortified (and angry). Are they even allowed to accuse you of stealing before you leave the store property? Here (Canada) the person cannot be apprehended unless they actually leave the store.

Complain and complain loudly. The security guard had absolutely had no right to do what she did. Selection, concealment, and exiting without paying, needs to happen before anyone can be accused of shoplifting.

To do it all at the tills, just because of a case of mistaken identity, well I would be incensed.

I would take this this further TBH as they have procedures to follow and very clearly are choosing not to follow them and are in effect letting their security be judge, jury and executioner.

I would post on their facebook and twitter if they have one and explain what happened and ask them to clarify if this was correct procedure to humiliate you in front of other shoppers. They won't like that!

My SIL was treated very shabbily by Tesco a few months ago. She went and did her shop and on the way out of the car park she pulled into their garage to fill up her car. About 4 hours later the doorbell rang and she was confronted by two police officers standing on her doorstep. Seeing as DB and DN had gone out in the car she immediately began to panic. Once they had calmed her down and assured her that they weren't there to give bad news, one of them asked her if there was something she had forgotten to do that day. It transpires that someone had drove off without paying from the pump she used. The garage had reported it as being SIL and the police traced her from the car reg. Luckily my SIL still had the receipt.

DB went ballistic and Tesco ended up sending SIL a huge bunch of flowers and a £50 voucher. Still doesn't excuse the way they went about things. None of our family have shopped there since.

YANBU. That is appalling. I would go back there and make a huge fuss, that staff member should have to answer to her managers for her poor behaviour.

And I disagree with UserError, even if you were suspected of being a regular shoplifter they should have apologised immediately when they realised that you weren't stealing anything.

How awful OP, I can understand why you were so upset. It's good that you got an apology though.

I thought they had to wait until you are leaving the store to stop you. Technically, you aren't stealing anything until you have actually left the store with it. My GM was a store detective (years ago, so granted things may have changed since then) and she has some stories to tell. The one which I feel for the most is the student she followed round whilst he was stealing a Christmas dinner for 1 on Christmas eve. He had a huge overcoat was was stuffing a whole meal under there. She did speak to him before he left the store and had officially stolen stuff though and persuaded him to take the stuff back.

Ahh that's awful OP. Maybe the security guard was new and was trying to prove herself? Either way, totally unacceptable to do that to someone in front of a queue of people.

I got gripped up by a massive male security guard as I was walking out of Homebase once, bearing in mind I'm 5'2" and mousey, because I was holding my sleeve.
I was with my brother who made a massive scene and demanded that the manager was brought down and the security guard apologised to me yadda yadda. I wasn't really fussed. It probably did look like I'd stolen something, but apparently they're not supposed to touch you? Who knew.

Thank you all for your comments. I don't intend to take it any further though, the security guard did apologise after my OH called which reassured me that she didn't think I was "a thief who got away with it", I only wish the the real thief could have been apprehended at the scene so everyone else in the shop knew for sure too.

Of course I understand that shop security need to be vigilant. I can't stand shoplifters, especially having worked in shops myself in the past. Mostly what bothers me now is making sure it never happens again. That wasn't the first time I'd been mistaken for a shoplifter and publicly accused.

The other time was about a decade ago when I popped into a clothes shop for a peek around while waiting for a bus. I didn't buy anything and walked out to wait at the bus stop, just outside. A moment later, a burly bloke from the shop shouted and spun me round by my shoulder, demanding that I show him inside my coat. At first I thought he was trying to mug me, then realised he thought I'd stolen something from the shop. I was wearing a long black coat, and took it off completely to show there was nothing hidden inside.

At this he sneered and said I'd gotten away with it this time, but was banned from the shop. Infuriated I ran after him back to the shop demanding an apology at which the manager pointed out the mistaken identity - he'd told the employee that a dark-skinned lady wearing a long coat (who was at that time standing across the road, amused at the situation) was the thief he'd seen, not the blonde lady wearing a black coat (me).

So I got my apology in front of everyone, the guy ran after the real thief, but I was still shook up and have never been to that shop since.

Perhaps this previous incident made me feel all the worse about what happened on Saturday. That and feeling concerned that carrying my little one in my arms made me suspect. Or wearing a big coat that day.

I always thought they couldnt say anything instore as you could still pay for it.I thought they had to wait till you got outside.

I remember once when i worked in tesco the security guard came over and basically accusing the women of taking stickers off one thing and putting them on something else.It was towels that were reduced.She was trying to tell him that they were reduced i was doing the same.He wouldnt listen so i brought him down to where they were and showed him,well he went red and started saying sorry.So i told the women if she wanted to go further i would say waht happened.
He was a prick and i was glad he was brought down a peg or two.

I got falsely accused of nicking some baby clothes at a jumble sale once, now that's humiliating!!! Just because the daft old bint at the table couldn't do her job properly. It was quite soon after having twins and I was still in the post giving birth hormonal stage, I was devastated by it. So have lots of sympathy from me.

Oh, I got accused of swapping tickets as well. I'd forgotten about that.

I'd picked up some shoes in TK Maxx which were reduced, there was a sticker on the sole which had started peeling away. I was standing in the queue for the till fiddling with the loose edge of the sticker in a day dream and a security guard marched up to me an accused me of switching stickers. A lady a couple of people behind me in the queue had also picked up the shoes and tried to remonstrate with him, but he wouldn't have a bar of it and accused us of being in cahoots. The manager got called and the security guard was made to apologise.

OP, I would be so upset and humiliated if this happened to me, I would urge you to take it further if possible, it might stop it happening to some other poor person Actually, if this happened in my local Tesco, I would be devastated, because there is always some one i know in there, and the staff are friends of friends etc, it is a small town, and gossip would spread like wild fire.

Don't forget ladies, they cannot stop or detain you if they suspect you, only if they actually see you commit a crime. Only a police officer can stop you on suspicion or to prevent a crime being committed. And only a police officer can search you.

I'm a stubborn bugger and know my rights. Not because I do anything wrong but because I'm often suspected on account of my dodgy appearing behaviour. I have AS so often zone out as I'm deciding what to buy, which apparantly looks like I'm checking if I'm being observed

You are right, there should have been an apology and explanation there and then, also in front of all the other people. It was unprofessional, maybe they should have politely asked to have a private word.

I would probably write a letter to the store explaining what you did above, despite the 'late' apology on the phone, just to get it out of my system.

OP, I would have kicked off quite substantially and made them laboriously go through every single procedure known to man if they had pulled this on me, but I am quite scary when displeased.

Come out with me next time you want to go shopping and I will be your wing man and deal with the store security Gestapo for you while you browse in peace

In principle, could the OP sue for slander (I realise she most probably wouldn't, but could you?)

I would've been outraged and demanded an apology at the time I think, although difficult to do with a baby in your arms. IME Tesco are pretty bad for the obvious security stalking. I stopped going to an Express one near me because every time I went in their with my baby, the security man seemed to be shopping with me. I took my business to Sainsburys across the road which has better quality food anyway IME.

Recently, in M&S I returned a coat which I had had for 4 days because it had come undone at the arm seam and 3 buttons had fallen off. The lady on returns was really surly and accused me of doing it myself. She moved around the desk to ask her supervisor if she should return my money to me or credit. This was supposed to be a discreet conversation but I heard her tell her boss she thought it was deliberate. The boss said, 'yes I know but it is not worth it'. I ended up telling them I'd heard their conversation and I didn't like being accused of conning them. I thought a coat should last longer than 4 days. They said I was the first to complain about this coat and it was a very popular coat so again implying I had deliberately ruined the coat I wanted to exchange. I then noticed security was hovering right behind me just because I had dared to object to their rude attitude. He then proceeded to follow me around the shop until I had got a new one.

I told my MIL who recently returned some trousers to the same store as the stitching had gone after about a weeks wear of them. They said the exact same line to her, 'these are very popular, know one else has returned them or complained'.