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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to call inlaws 'mum' and 'dad'

88 replies

lazycoconutree · 16/12/2012 14:36

that's it really...
I don't have the best relationship with inlaws but it's not too bad either.
But I won't call mil mum, she isn't my mum and I feel only my mum deserves that title! Ditto with my dad....!
So I'm wondering what everyone out there calls their inlays?

OP posts:
QuickLookBusy · 16/12/2012 15:12

I already had a Mum and a Step Mum (who I also called mum). When MIl asked me to call her Mum, it felt very wrong. I told her that I already had 2 mums to contend with and that was enough. She took it in good humour and I just call her by her name.

I think it's a generational thing. My parents all called their PILs Mum and Dad, so I suppose it isn't that unreasonable that they would ask.

Hobbitation · 16/12/2012 15:12

I put Granny and Grandpa and their names now in cards. I call them by their first names. My parents called their inlaws mum and dad, but it was more common then.

neverquitesure · 16/12/2012 15:13

My MIL asked if I would call her Mum as she did with her own MIL. She is a lovely woman and regards me as an extra daughter but I do struggle with it.

So I tend to call her by her first name but do use Mum affectionately on occasion to show her how highly I regard her. It does feel akward though if I'm honest, but she's worth the effort.

Original poster
lazycoconutree · 16/12/2012 15:14

Fil is fine being called by his first name!
I've not actually called Mil anything for 12 odd years and it did get much easier once dcs came along as I could refer to her as granny!
But recently and with increasing frequency mil keeps referring to herself as 'mummy' which I'm finding really strange! I only have one mum and she gave birth to me and is very very special. Mil is well just that!
So releived to know I'm not the odd one out!

OP posts:
PinkFairyTaleOfNewYork · 16/12/2012 15:30

My cousins wife calls his parents mum and dad I find it very strange I call my PILs by their name when I am being nice Grin

toddlerama · 16/12/2012 15:37

FiL and his new wife (so Step MiL) wanted to be called mum and dad and when I said I wasn't comfortable with it, cut all contact! When DH didn't want to call Step MiL "mum" (he was 19 when they got married...) he was kicked out of the house and had to live in a caravan! Some people get really, really arsey about not being everyone's parents apparently.

SantaWearsGreen · 16/12/2012 15:38

Makes me cringe a lot. I wouldn't dream of it.

MrsMelons · 16/12/2012 15:39

My mum was 17 when she met my dad and once they were married she called them mum and dad. Her parents were not particularly nice so I don't think she thought anything of it - also I think it was the done thing then, my grandparents were in their 40's when they had my dad so were quite old.

I don't know anyone that does that now.

EverybodysSnowyEyed · 16/12/2012 15:40

I know a few people who do call their in laws mum and dad, but they are foreign and don't call their own parents that, so I guess it isn't that weird for them as the names don't hold any significant meaning

Dh and I call our respective in laws by their first names.

LaCiccolina · 16/12/2012 15:42

When I got on well with mine it was m2 and f2.

Now it's Christian names only. 10yrs and various bonkers shenanigans later.

My advice? Don't stray from where feels right. U will regret it, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow but one day......

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 16/12/2012 15:45

First names for me.

My parents called one set "mum and dad" and the other set "mother and father" - could you do something like this?

thegreylady · 16/12/2012 15:46

I always used first names for in laws and that was 45 years ago.

juneybean · 16/12/2012 15:46

My parents do it -shrugs-

FredFredGeorge · 16/12/2012 15:49

My MIL wrote "from Mum and Dad (or Wilma and Barney if you'd prefer)" on my birthday card (I have yet to convince them of the fact I don't want cards - it was on the only one I received!) So I'm sure some do, I only ever talk to them either as their first names when there's just us, or as their names as GPs when DD is part of the conversation.

I do think it's a bit strange, but it's certainly not unique. Just do what is comfortable for you though. Maybe not "Snotface" though?

Original poster
lazycoconutree · 16/12/2012 15:50

It doesn't 'feel' right to call anyone except my mum.....mum! So it's not about to happen. I just don't think I could make myself say it!
But I just wanted to know what the consensus out there was.
Dh is not in the least bothered!
I guess I'll just continue to nod and smile and ignore like I have been

OP posts:
Original poster
lazycoconutree · 16/12/2012 15:52

Rofl at snot face! I would love to see mil face if I did call her that!!

OP posts:
Mintberry · 16/12/2012 15:57

I quite like my PIL so I wouldn't mind too much, I'd probably be flattered they thought of me that way. It would be a bit odd though at first, and I can't see them doing it anyway!

MrsFlibble · 16/12/2012 15:57

My best mate calls her DP's Mum, "Other Mother" and she responds to it.

WinkyWinkola · 16/12/2012 16:02

The thing is 'mum' has such powerful connotations of unconditional love for a child. My pil do not love me unconditionally. In fact, I don't think they even like me that much since I refuse to indulge them in the emotional blackmail games they like to play. So if I had called them mum and dad, it would ring pretty hollow now.

Original poster
lazycoconutree · 16/12/2012 16:06

Exactly Winky. My mum has been there for me always. That's not to say that we haven't had our ups and downs. But my relationship with my mum is 'real'.
Where as my mil is in my life because of dh and dc, not because we have a deep and meaningful relationship.

OP posts:
MikeOxardInTheSnow · 16/12/2012 16:15

My mum called my dad's parents mum and dad. It was lovely. Even after my parents divorced they were still called that. My mil prefers to be called her first name, even by her own children, so she certainly isn't inviting me to call her mum.

Horsemad · 16/12/2012 16:45

We got married 3 weeks before Xmas & my MIL wrote on my presents 'to my new daughter' (she only has sons) She did call her MIL mum.

Freaked me out! I have never called her mum - would feel totally wrong. First names here all the way...

Alisvolatpropiis · 16/12/2012 16:46

My mum called my Dads parents Mum and Dad when they were married but has never called my Step Dads parents Mum and Dad. It must have felt right at the time. She still calls my Nanna Mum,despite have split from my Dad 15 years ago.

I don't think it's weird either way as a result,it's just whatever everyone is comfortable with.

Lavenderhoney · 16/12/2012 16:50

I call mine by their first names. Thinking about it, my dm avoided calling her mil anything in her presence:) plenty behind closed doors though, and to my dad she was " your mother"!

diddl · 16/12/2012 16:56

I don´t call them anything.

I never have cause to address them.

But if I did, it wouldn´t be Mum & Dad.